Dear Nelly,
I'm really not sure what my fate in the future is, but I know I wish for certain things. Let me tell you about a dilemma I face numerous times every year!
No matter how little one wants to do because they know the end rewards are plentiful (freedom). Well, after all, this is prison and one knows what is expected of them if they don't look to be prey!
It is such as being between a 'rock and a hard place' for you want to be positive for that future reward, but you must live for this moment as well. Right this moment dictates how that path to the future will be.
A lot of times when I know I must make a stance it is as if I'm wishing for the opposites. You see, I want to come out of my cell and do as much damage as possible to the problem that stands before me. Then, another part of me is silently praying to God for him to intervene making anything happen that only he can! In other words, I ask God to intervene in a way where I won't be able to confront my enemy. Not because I'm afraid of the violence, but because I know it puts my future in jeopardy. God usually answers in a positive manner with his intervention and the problem has time to be worked out with diplomacy, while cooler heads prevail.
It is little things like this that keeps the belief of God within my heart. Now, if one asked what about the past when he didn't intervene? I didn't silently call upon him during those times for on each shoulder stood the voice of the devil.
Remember I told you as a child I'd be covered from head to toe with my blanket and every body part that could be crossed (fingers, toes, legs, arms, etc.) was as I silently prayed to God. I prayed that my stepfather wouldn't beat me. Maybe when God didn't answer it was because the punishment fit the mischief!
Anyway, that is my theory on God at this particular time. It is a shame that we usually believe more when good things happen for reasons we're unable to explain?
My correction counselor once again came to see me about a transfer to a medium security prison. These requests are sent from Albany (where the Department of Corrections main campus is) and if nothing at all, it is like I'm silently being praised for good behavior because even though I am in a maximum security prison, my classification is medium security.
Anyway, this time it was for 'preference transfer' meaning I get to pick a particular area of New York State I like to go. Of course, guys from the New York City area request mediums down there, but here is James Morgan's logic.
I told my counselor I'll take any medium for if I'm sent to one I'll be grateful for just that in itself. I also know Albany will not send me to a medium that has a reputation for trouble. These people are far from stupid and they know what they are doing.
In any event, this month is two years without any kind misbehavior. I'm proud of my own accomplishment for I know it's a volatile world where it is easy to get into trouble. Hey, don't even ask how some inmates do 25,30, or more years without any misbehavior! One consonant I find is that it doesn't mean their good behavior is rewarded with the release. That is paroles' inconsistency! I know I always seek answers in my life, but some things are unexplained.
Like Heaven? I once asked Mr. Thieben if he believed in heaven and his answer, "well Jimmy, no one has ever come back to tell me about it!" You see Nelly, if you were to look at statistics there aren't many inmates alive that serve 30 or more years. There are only a handful and a lot have been sentenced to where they have to do 30 years and more. Out of New York State's 50,000+ inmates, less than 100 have 30 or more years in. It isn't nothing to be praised for, but I see it as the opposite to what Mr. Thieben said, "I'll be back to tell many about hell". It just may be my purpose in life- to use- ALL of this as a device/ tool to deter others from this path. I guess we'll see?
I praise you for being able to make out my letters because sometimes when I read over what I wrote, I have problems making it out!!
I sent you a copy of my disciplinary history. Note that it starts in 1989 because this is when the state began using computers! Before that (1984 to 1988) is all written by hand and unfortunately, the state still has record of it.
Okay, I'll let you go for now and until the next time, take good care.
James
Friday, April 26, 2019
Friday, April 12, 2019
May 6,2013
Dear Nelly,
Hopefully, you received the letter that was returned? That week, I had 2 letters returned to me for the other one was where I learned that my mother moved to Georgia- if you want her current address, let me know? Though I'm 48 years of age, it is small examples like that (my mother leaving the state without me knowing) that tug at my heart and further leads me to believe that my relations with my mother are more than estranged- practically nonexistent! Life must go on!
I'm working on another picture for your office wall hoping to brighten up the space you spend a lot of your time. Once it's done I'll send it on its way. I figure if I wait for you to write telling me what picture you like I may already be home and I'm not sure if drawing in society is something I'll do. Don't mind my sarcasm for I know you told me from the beginning you wouldn't write as much as I do. Before I forget, Happy Mother's Day! You're not my mother, but all mothers should be recognized for the job that should never end. Most mothers don't let it end, either.
Sometimes I look to write you and there isn't anything to write about for many of my days are unimportant! There is a lot of different monotonous bullshit episodes that go on, so I then think about my past and something clicks. It is the past that is important for it ALL the beginning that makes me who I am today.
Let me tell you a small secret! I believe ALL humans live to meet some goals in life.The desire to meet tomorrow is what you live for, wanting to progress with your career is one thing that keeps you going, wanting to see your children excel,wanting to see the man you love each morning when you awaken, etc. are all things (examples) that make up why you look to meet tomorrow. I want to meet tomorrow because it's another day closer to my (eventual) freedom, but... I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do!!
Of course, I look to work to take my responsibilities, but beyond that I haven't a clue. I know it will be baby steps and I want freedom so badly, but when I think about it getting lost in deep thought? I get a little scared.
I remember back in 1996, I was facilitating an "Alternatives to Violence" seminar that is ran (in-house) by the civilian Quakers. Each year we have a Festival where all inmate facilitators and civilian Quakers have a party that includes dinner and desserts. Most of the civilians are women from early 20s to up into the 80s.
I went and saw about two dozen women who were very friendly hugging us all and after five minutes, I left! I left because I felt out of place with those women and I think of this whenever I think about when I'm released? I wasn't used to being around all those women (about 20 to 24) and wonder what the hell I'll do if I have to go through Penn Station or Grand Central station to get to Long Island? What will those crowds have me thinking. It's easy to think, I'll be happy to get to that stage, but it really does worry me. Maybe if I lived more comfortable in here, not needing anything or support from others, I wouldn't want to leave prison. Crazy,huh?
Of course I love women, but I don't believe it is the first thing (sex) on a convict's mind. How could it be when one has gone so long without it? It isn't my number one priority or desire, but I don't know what is.
I'll probably never find the answer to my question, "why my life has turned outn as it has?" There are so many different theories that aren't always solid, but I'll probably die before I find the answer. It is easy to feel sorry for myself, but just as some want "something" to believe there is a Lord above- I want a reason for why I must live as I have for these 48 years.
I know what I'd like to be doing in life, but I haven't met those goals and wonder if I ever will. One thing I won't lie to myself about- I had many opportunities in the first 18 years of my life to be successful (in life).
Okay, I'll get this in the mail to you and until the next time, take good care.
James
Hopefully, you received the letter that was returned? That week, I had 2 letters returned to me for the other one was where I learned that my mother moved to Georgia- if you want her current address, let me know? Though I'm 48 years of age, it is small examples like that (my mother leaving the state without me knowing) that tug at my heart and further leads me to believe that my relations with my mother are more than estranged- practically nonexistent! Life must go on!
I'm working on another picture for your office wall hoping to brighten up the space you spend a lot of your time. Once it's done I'll send it on its way. I figure if I wait for you to write telling me what picture you like I may already be home and I'm not sure if drawing in society is something I'll do. Don't mind my sarcasm for I know you told me from the beginning you wouldn't write as much as I do. Before I forget, Happy Mother's Day! You're not my mother, but all mothers should be recognized for the job that should never end. Most mothers don't let it end, either.
Sometimes I look to write you and there isn't anything to write about for many of my days are unimportant! There is a lot of different monotonous bullshit episodes that go on, so I then think about my past and something clicks. It is the past that is important for it ALL the beginning that makes me who I am today.
Let me tell you a small secret! I believe ALL humans live to meet some goals in life.The desire to meet tomorrow is what you live for, wanting to progress with your career is one thing that keeps you going, wanting to see your children excel,wanting to see the man you love each morning when you awaken, etc. are all things (examples) that make up why you look to meet tomorrow. I want to meet tomorrow because it's another day closer to my (eventual) freedom, but... I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do!!
Of course, I look to work to take my responsibilities, but beyond that I haven't a clue. I know it will be baby steps and I want freedom so badly, but when I think about it getting lost in deep thought? I get a little scared.
I remember back in 1996, I was facilitating an "Alternatives to Violence" seminar that is ran (in-house) by the civilian Quakers. Each year we have a Festival where all inmate facilitators and civilian Quakers have a party that includes dinner and desserts. Most of the civilians are women from early 20s to up into the 80s.
I went and saw about two dozen women who were very friendly hugging us all and after five minutes, I left! I left because I felt out of place with those women and I think of this whenever I think about when I'm released? I wasn't used to being around all those women (about 20 to 24) and wonder what the hell I'll do if I have to go through Penn Station or Grand Central station to get to Long Island? What will those crowds have me thinking. It's easy to think, I'll be happy to get to that stage, but it really does worry me. Maybe if I lived more comfortable in here, not needing anything or support from others, I wouldn't want to leave prison. Crazy,huh?
Of course I love women, but I don't believe it is the first thing (sex) on a convict's mind. How could it be when one has gone so long without it? It isn't my number one priority or desire, but I don't know what is.
I'll probably never find the answer to my question, "why my life has turned outn as it has?" There are so many different theories that aren't always solid, but I'll probably die before I find the answer. It is easy to feel sorry for myself, but just as some want "something" to believe there is a Lord above- I want a reason for why I must live as I have for these 48 years.
I know what I'd like to be doing in life, but I haven't met those goals and wonder if I ever will. One thing I won't lie to myself about- I had many opportunities in the first 18 years of my life to be successful (in life).
Okay, I'll get this in the mail to you and until the next time, take good care.
James
April 22,2013
Dear Nelly,
As you can see- the enclosed letter was returned to me and what I gathered by the red ink is that someone doesn't know the departments of psychiatry/ neuroscience- Friedman Brain Institute? Oh yeah, I'm angry and wonder if I could "forgive" the idiot who returned this letter! A few deep breaths and I've decided that if it gets to you this time- I'll let things slide. Wiping the sweat from my brow- I realize I saved myself from another indictment for murder!!
I was reading the April/ 2013 issue of Wired magazine and I saw this article about people "putting out new books themselves, selling digital downloads and print editions through Amazon". Is this sort of what you meant when you made mention of putting my story on the Internet (during our October /2012 visit)?
Let me tell you my feelings about this and then I'd HOPE you'd give it some thought and answer when you get the chance.
Nelly, I don't want to believe my head is swollen, but I know I can write! Not nonfiction, the only facts my writing will contain is that it'll come from my imagination and I believe people will be very interested within what I write. I believe YOU would be interested in what I write, but you're like the other handful of people I write! You're ALL career minded people and it would be a task for you to find the time to sit before a computer to type the chapters in (I suppose that's how it is done). Would you be willing to do this, look into it for me, or do you have any idea of who may do it?? Answer that for me because the person who probably has the most free time (Mr.Thieben) is computer illiterate, does not believe in cell phones, or answering machines and still rides around on a bicycle from 1957!
I do not want our correspondence to ever be a burden to you and maybe this is asking too much of you? One thing you could be sure of Nelly is that I have my big boy pants on so if you tell me "you don't have the time", I'll definitely get over it. It certainly won't linger within my thoughts, leaving a nasty taste in my mouth that my former attorney or stepfather leaves! I promise you that, so please think about it and share your thoughts with me.
Have you ever read anything by Edward Rutherfurd? A great author and if you get a chance pick up London or New York by him and read. I do believe you'd enjoy (them I did).
Everything is going well and though it is 7 1/2 months away, this is when I start preparing for the parole board tidying up the little things, but I feel positive for once because next month is 24 months without a misbehavior report and I do believe this is the LONGEST I've ever gone without a report. I look at it like this, if it isn't 2014, it can't be too much longer after that. I do feel that, so I'll just HOPE for the best and pray that the people I do know are still alive once I'm released! That is the only thing that scares me for I know I can still serve some years if I must, but I'm afraid I have no one once I'm released. I could live alone, but I don't wish to be alone in all aspects of life.
Okay, I'll end this so I could get this in the mail. I hope all is well with you. Until the next time, take good care.
James
As you can see- the enclosed letter was returned to me and what I gathered by the red ink is that someone doesn't know the departments of psychiatry/ neuroscience- Friedman Brain Institute? Oh yeah, I'm angry and wonder if I could "forgive" the idiot who returned this letter! A few deep breaths and I've decided that if it gets to you this time- I'll let things slide. Wiping the sweat from my brow- I realize I saved myself from another indictment for murder!!
I was reading the April/ 2013 issue of Wired magazine and I saw this article about people "putting out new books themselves, selling digital downloads and print editions through Amazon". Is this sort of what you meant when you made mention of putting my story on the Internet (during our October /2012 visit)?
Let me tell you my feelings about this and then I'd HOPE you'd give it some thought and answer when you get the chance.
Nelly, I don't want to believe my head is swollen, but I know I can write! Not nonfiction, the only facts my writing will contain is that it'll come from my imagination and I believe people will be very interested within what I write. I believe YOU would be interested in what I write, but you're like the other handful of people I write! You're ALL career minded people and it would be a task for you to find the time to sit before a computer to type the chapters in (I suppose that's how it is done). Would you be willing to do this, look into it for me, or do you have any idea of who may do it?? Answer that for me because the person who probably has the most free time (Mr.Thieben) is computer illiterate, does not believe in cell phones, or answering machines and still rides around on a bicycle from 1957!
I do not want our correspondence to ever be a burden to you and maybe this is asking too much of you? One thing you could be sure of Nelly is that I have my big boy pants on so if you tell me "you don't have the time", I'll definitely get over it. It certainly won't linger within my thoughts, leaving a nasty taste in my mouth that my former attorney or stepfather leaves! I promise you that, so please think about it and share your thoughts with me.
Have you ever read anything by Edward Rutherfurd? A great author and if you get a chance pick up London or New York by him and read. I do believe you'd enjoy (them I did).
Everything is going well and though it is 7 1/2 months away, this is when I start preparing for the parole board tidying up the little things, but I feel positive for once because next month is 24 months without a misbehavior report and I do believe this is the LONGEST I've ever gone without a report. I look at it like this, if it isn't 2014, it can't be too much longer after that. I do feel that, so I'll just HOPE for the best and pray that the people I do know are still alive once I'm released! That is the only thing that scares me for I know I can still serve some years if I must, but I'm afraid I have no one once I'm released. I could live alone, but I don't wish to be alone in all aspects of life.
Okay, I'll end this so I could get this in the mail. I hope all is well with you. Until the next time, take good care.
James
April 16,2013
Dear Nelly,
At times I feel as if I'm living just to be free! I scratch off each period of time because it brings me that much closer to the possibility of my release. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea of what I'd like to do once I'm free.
I say it no longer matters to me if I live or die, but I'd rather die as a free man! I do truly believe I will have a hand in the way that I die and it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm free. I used to be afraid of dying, but I'm only afraid of whether it will be painful/ painless? That is the only thing I think of now, but I do want my life to mean something to me as well as someone else.
My way of thinking has nothing to do with my emotional state at this particular time for I'm content with my mental state. I tell you this so you don't grow worried. Though I'm not old by any means, but I guess as we do grow older, those are things we think about? We all want to be important to someone and as I sit here and think about it...
Most of my life I never felt important to anyone. Even before my imprisonment and during my childhood, I did not feel that my associates would miss if I was no longer around. I don't know why that is, but I know it reflects upon my personality and how I treated others. I know my social skills were hampered by my punishments at home, so I knew better than to extend myself to others. Why make friends if I knew I could not be a part of that circle for I was always punished.
I wouldn't want people to feel sympathetic,pity, or that woe is me, but it is truth with my life. I often wondered if I could have done things differently as a child or if no matter what I did, I'd be subjected to the way I was treated by my stepfather? I will never know the answer to that, but it is the reason I have difficulties believing in God and that our lives are lived according to his plan!
I am 48 years of age and I do not believe I've done anything in my life that can be looked upon with praise. It is crazy, but I have truly led a worthless existence thus far. I suppose I'd be a prime candidate for a suicide bombing? I say that because I once read how suicide bombers are chosen and most have low self-esteem, but it was said as a joke.
I used to believe that no matter how down and out I was, good would always rear its head. Only lately have I thought that this may not be true with my freedom. I'm living as I am now because I do believe I will be free soon, but what if I'm not?
I'm so happy that things have worked themselves out with my latest misbehaviors for I was that close to accepting prison as my life. I know in the long run it falls upon my own self for 20 years from now Mr.Thieben probably won't be alive and neither will David and Linda. I will be (more than likely) and I'd be more alone then I am now.
I write to share my thoughts with others, but what if I don't have others to do this with? Hopefully I'm released from prison before I find this out!
Remember the movie/ book " The Green Mile"? The man kept growing older and older which was his punishment from God for allowing John Coffee to die! I feel like that character and I'm being punished for all that I did. I can't die for then I could no longer suffer. I truly believe this, but I wish I knew all that I was being punished for? If you didn't see the movie or read the book( by Stephen King) you must for is a great story!!
Have you ever heard of Salt Point, New York? Could you please check this on the Internet. I saw it mentioned somewhere and I'm trying to find out where it is? I would appreciate it.
I think it's in my family's DNA or genes to become estranged from other family members and think nothing of it! I know when my mother was in her 20s and her mother died she stopped talking to her father and sister and to this day (the father must be dead now) she does not talk to one sister. That is a grudge over 50 years old!
My stepfather didn't talk to his own brother for decades before he finally did, but my entire family isn't talking to one another and I think it's crazy. I believe a lot of members of my family will die lonely people. The grudges usually aren't about anything, but when a parent won't talk to their child I'd have to believe this reflects upon their parenting (I guess)?
I know you said family is not as important as people make it out to be and I especially believe this when you allow your thoughts to be dominated in a bad way. I've been alone for so long that I'm use to it, but it doesn't mean that I like it.
I think a lot of my aggression was a learned behavior from my stepfather! I noticed that I was the dominant one with the group I hung around with and my behaviors were the same as my stepfathers. It's a shame when you practice the behaviors that you detest so much. It's not hard to figure out why I didn't have many friends growing up and the ones I did have was sort of bought. Did I tell you this already?
I told you my stepfather used to smoke pot and sniffed cocaine? I'd go in his room and steal some and use it to lure people to my house to hang out and get high. I'm not sure if they wondered why I always wanted to stay in my backyard, but they wouldn't put up much of an argument because I always had the good coke and weed!
I was truly afraid of my stepfather, but I didn't improve with grades/ behavior in school yet I knew it brought me troubles at home. I've had psychologists tell me this was my way, of defying my stepfather, but I don't know if I believe that, but I wasn't stupid so if I did apply myself I know I could have improved on my grades.
Then, when I first begin my sentence and I ran into a problem in prison I reacted in an extreme and violent way hoping to be praised by my stepfather. I knew he'd find out and I wanted him to know I was a man and handled things as he did in an "aggressive" manner. Is that crazy or what? I hated him and I still wanted his praise (which I never seem to get).
Do you know my aunt (my stepfathers brothers wife) was robbed in her house at gunpoint in 1982, and she always thought it was me that robbed her? The person wore a ski mask and knocked on her door and when she answered, he robbed her. She had a feeling it was me and our relationship was already estranged, but that is insane for your aunt to think this about me especially when it is furthest from the truth.
The one aunt I was close to (my mother's sister) stopped writing to me sometime in 2001 or 2002 because she said I wrote her something nasty! It wasn't nasty, I was expressing my opinion in regards to something and she took it the wrong way. I am estranged from family on ALL sides!! I suppose I'm that crazy relative in prison for murder!
Do you know what I really wish? I'd love to be dropped in the middle of the wilderness somewhere and allow me to live off the land! That would truly be the life for me where I could sit in solitude and whittle away on a piece of wood!! I am serious- I'd love that.
I decided that if I'm denied parole in January/ 2014, I'm going to place an ad to meet others. I told you I got married doing this one time before. It's crazy? The last two women I fell in love with have both died in the last five years and both were 50 or younger!!Too young for anyone to die.
I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
At times I feel as if I'm living just to be free! I scratch off each period of time because it brings me that much closer to the possibility of my release. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea of what I'd like to do once I'm free.
I say it no longer matters to me if I live or die, but I'd rather die as a free man! I do truly believe I will have a hand in the way that I die and it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm free. I used to be afraid of dying, but I'm only afraid of whether it will be painful/ painless? That is the only thing I think of now, but I do want my life to mean something to me as well as someone else.
My way of thinking has nothing to do with my emotional state at this particular time for I'm content with my mental state. I tell you this so you don't grow worried. Though I'm not old by any means, but I guess as we do grow older, those are things we think about? We all want to be important to someone and as I sit here and think about it...
Most of my life I never felt important to anyone. Even before my imprisonment and during my childhood, I did not feel that my associates would miss if I was no longer around. I don't know why that is, but I know it reflects upon my personality and how I treated others. I know my social skills were hampered by my punishments at home, so I knew better than to extend myself to others. Why make friends if I knew I could not be a part of that circle for I was always punished.
I wouldn't want people to feel sympathetic,pity, or that woe is me, but it is truth with my life. I often wondered if I could have done things differently as a child or if no matter what I did, I'd be subjected to the way I was treated by my stepfather? I will never know the answer to that, but it is the reason I have difficulties believing in God and that our lives are lived according to his plan!
I am 48 years of age and I do not believe I've done anything in my life that can be looked upon with praise. It is crazy, but I have truly led a worthless existence thus far. I suppose I'd be a prime candidate for a suicide bombing? I say that because I once read how suicide bombers are chosen and most have low self-esteem, but it was said as a joke.
I used to believe that no matter how down and out I was, good would always rear its head. Only lately have I thought that this may not be true with my freedom. I'm living as I am now because I do believe I will be free soon, but what if I'm not?
I'm so happy that things have worked themselves out with my latest misbehaviors for I was that close to accepting prison as my life. I know in the long run it falls upon my own self for 20 years from now Mr.Thieben probably won't be alive and neither will David and Linda. I will be (more than likely) and I'd be more alone then I am now.
I write to share my thoughts with others, but what if I don't have others to do this with? Hopefully I'm released from prison before I find this out!
Remember the movie/ book " The Green Mile"? The man kept growing older and older which was his punishment from God for allowing John Coffee to die! I feel like that character and I'm being punished for all that I did. I can't die for then I could no longer suffer. I truly believe this, but I wish I knew all that I was being punished for? If you didn't see the movie or read the book( by Stephen King) you must for is a great story!!
Have you ever heard of Salt Point, New York? Could you please check this on the Internet. I saw it mentioned somewhere and I'm trying to find out where it is? I would appreciate it.
I think it's in my family's DNA or genes to become estranged from other family members and think nothing of it! I know when my mother was in her 20s and her mother died she stopped talking to her father and sister and to this day (the father must be dead now) she does not talk to one sister. That is a grudge over 50 years old!
My stepfather didn't talk to his own brother for decades before he finally did, but my entire family isn't talking to one another and I think it's crazy. I believe a lot of members of my family will die lonely people. The grudges usually aren't about anything, but when a parent won't talk to their child I'd have to believe this reflects upon their parenting (I guess)?
I know you said family is not as important as people make it out to be and I especially believe this when you allow your thoughts to be dominated in a bad way. I've been alone for so long that I'm use to it, but it doesn't mean that I like it.
I think a lot of my aggression was a learned behavior from my stepfather! I noticed that I was the dominant one with the group I hung around with and my behaviors were the same as my stepfathers. It's a shame when you practice the behaviors that you detest so much. It's not hard to figure out why I didn't have many friends growing up and the ones I did have was sort of bought. Did I tell you this already?
I told you my stepfather used to smoke pot and sniffed cocaine? I'd go in his room and steal some and use it to lure people to my house to hang out and get high. I'm not sure if they wondered why I always wanted to stay in my backyard, but they wouldn't put up much of an argument because I always had the good coke and weed!
I was truly afraid of my stepfather, but I didn't improve with grades/ behavior in school yet I knew it brought me troubles at home. I've had psychologists tell me this was my way, of defying my stepfather, but I don't know if I believe that, but I wasn't stupid so if I did apply myself I know I could have improved on my grades.
Then, when I first begin my sentence and I ran into a problem in prison I reacted in an extreme and violent way hoping to be praised by my stepfather. I knew he'd find out and I wanted him to know I was a man and handled things as he did in an "aggressive" manner. Is that crazy or what? I hated him and I still wanted his praise (which I never seem to get).
Do you know my aunt (my stepfathers brothers wife) was robbed in her house at gunpoint in 1982, and she always thought it was me that robbed her? The person wore a ski mask and knocked on her door and when she answered, he robbed her. She had a feeling it was me and our relationship was already estranged, but that is insane for your aunt to think this about me especially when it is furthest from the truth.
The one aunt I was close to (my mother's sister) stopped writing to me sometime in 2001 or 2002 because she said I wrote her something nasty! It wasn't nasty, I was expressing my opinion in regards to something and she took it the wrong way. I am estranged from family on ALL sides!! I suppose I'm that crazy relative in prison for murder!
Do you know what I really wish? I'd love to be dropped in the middle of the wilderness somewhere and allow me to live off the land! That would truly be the life for me where I could sit in solitude and whittle away on a piece of wood!! I am serious- I'd love that.
I decided that if I'm denied parole in January/ 2014, I'm going to place an ad to meet others. I told you I got married doing this one time before. It's crazy? The last two women I fell in love with have both died in the last five years and both were 50 or younger!!Too young for anyone to die.
I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
April 9,2013
Dear Nelly,
I hope all is well with you once this letter is received? When I was given those reports (that were later dismissed) I was ever so close to accepting prison as my way of life. I was no longer going to think in a positive way and I was no longer going to 'turn the other cheek'. It is so much easier to live in a negative sense then to do good. The reason I bring this up is because I was that close to spending the rest of my life in prison! I bring it up because of the significance of how close I was throwing it ALL in.
I don't want to sound as if I was thinking of quitting on my life, but I'm just trying to point out how difficult it is in prison to stay on a positive path. Well, my streak is still going, I'm ready to mark off two straight years without a misbehavior report (my last report was made of 2011).
I'm just so happy that things worked out for me and it is truly things like this that leads me to believe there is a God that looks down upon me. There was no doubt Nelly, I was guilty as charged on these reports and the ONLY reason they were dismissed is because of a procedural error! You can believe I will watch my 'Ps and Qs' for the next eight months!
I know you and Mr.Thieben feel good about my chances in January /2014 and I just hope the two of you are right.
Again, I speak about it! The consequences for not doing positive is not gaining my freedom. If I didn't have people in my life such as you, Mr.Thieben, David, Linda, and Father Frank I'd have no one in society. It would be so easy then to accept prison as my way of life. It is all about still having HOPE within my heart and as I told you in the past, once one loses that HOPE- it is just so easy to accept this as a way of life. It's so hard to explain, but I was ever so close to throwing it all in, I am just so happy that things worked out.
You don't think it is important to tell about yourself in your letters, but I think it is! In order to get to know someone you must know some things about them. Look, I really don't see us hanging out in the same social groups, but I do see you as a friend that I'd like to stay in touch with once I'm released (as well). I just know friendships are so important especially when there are no strings attached, that is when you know it is a TRUE friendship.
Linda told me she has your phone number so I know she'll call you. She told me she looks forward to talking to you and please still call Father Frank for he is a great man as well. Linda also told me she has everything I've ever written if it could help you in any way. She told me she kept It in case I ever thought about writing my life story. I don't know, once I'm releasing I may just want to forget about these last 30+ years even though I may not be able to! I'd like to be able to use this experience in a positive way to deter others from repeating all that I have in life, sort of like a motivational speaker even though I didn't listen as a young teenager, if just one person listens, then it is worth it to me. I want to work in some capacity at Hope House for Father Frank and I think he'll give me the chance to do so. I mean, he has like 8 or 9 different group homes in the same vicinity and I know he does believe in me.
I have no doubts as far as employment goes for I have a lot of support in that area and the people I know have a lot of connections. Of course, I hope it is January/ 2014, but if it isn't I certainly think it will be the one right after that. I just feel that if I do my part by staying out of trouble, then things will soon work out to my advantage. I mean, it will be over 30 years which I can't believe in itself (myself)!!
Well, I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
I hope all is well with you once this letter is received? When I was given those reports (that were later dismissed) I was ever so close to accepting prison as my way of life. I was no longer going to think in a positive way and I was no longer going to 'turn the other cheek'. It is so much easier to live in a negative sense then to do good. The reason I bring this up is because I was that close to spending the rest of my life in prison! I bring it up because of the significance of how close I was throwing it ALL in.
I don't want to sound as if I was thinking of quitting on my life, but I'm just trying to point out how difficult it is in prison to stay on a positive path. Well, my streak is still going, I'm ready to mark off two straight years without a misbehavior report (my last report was made of 2011).
I'm just so happy that things worked out for me and it is truly things like this that leads me to believe there is a God that looks down upon me. There was no doubt Nelly, I was guilty as charged on these reports and the ONLY reason they were dismissed is because of a procedural error! You can believe I will watch my 'Ps and Qs' for the next eight months!
I know you and Mr.Thieben feel good about my chances in January /2014 and I just hope the two of you are right.
Again, I speak about it! The consequences for not doing positive is not gaining my freedom. If I didn't have people in my life such as you, Mr.Thieben, David, Linda, and Father Frank I'd have no one in society. It would be so easy then to accept prison as my way of life. It is all about still having HOPE within my heart and as I told you in the past, once one loses that HOPE- it is just so easy to accept this as a way of life. It's so hard to explain, but I was ever so close to throwing it all in, I am just so happy that things worked out.
You don't think it is important to tell about yourself in your letters, but I think it is! In order to get to know someone you must know some things about them. Look, I really don't see us hanging out in the same social groups, but I do see you as a friend that I'd like to stay in touch with once I'm released (as well). I just know friendships are so important especially when there are no strings attached, that is when you know it is a TRUE friendship.
Linda told me she has your phone number so I know she'll call you. She told me she looks forward to talking to you and please still call Father Frank for he is a great man as well. Linda also told me she has everything I've ever written if it could help you in any way. She told me she kept It in case I ever thought about writing my life story. I don't know, once I'm releasing I may just want to forget about these last 30+ years even though I may not be able to! I'd like to be able to use this experience in a positive way to deter others from repeating all that I have in life, sort of like a motivational speaker even though I didn't listen as a young teenager, if just one person listens, then it is worth it to me. I want to work in some capacity at Hope House for Father Frank and I think he'll give me the chance to do so. I mean, he has like 8 or 9 different group homes in the same vicinity and I know he does believe in me.
I have no doubts as far as employment goes for I have a lot of support in that area and the people I know have a lot of connections. Of course, I hope it is January/ 2014, but if it isn't I certainly think it will be the one right after that. I just feel that if I do my part by staying out of trouble, then things will soon work out to my advantage. I mean, it will be over 30 years which I can't believe in itself (myself)!!
Well, I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
April 8,2013
Dear Nelly,
Truly I was lucky once again when the misbehavior reports were dismissed due to an error on the part of the administration. I hope this is a sign of good things to come in January/ 2014.
I really can't believe that I put myself in a position to get those reports when I've been trying so hard to watch my behavior, but someone has definitely been watching over me.
I spoke to David and Linda and they told me they found some things I wrote them years ago. Once they send the material to me I will send you the material so you can see my thoughts from then and until now.
I wasn't sure, but I had thought you were going to move to Manhattan and not keep your house in Rocky Point? I know it is a long commute, but is it worth it going from the city to Rocky Point?
I'm going to put together a collage of flowers for your office wall. I know you like flowers so I'll think of something. Even though I got past these misbehavior reports I'm still going to check into getting extensive therapy for it can't hurt and may just help me as a person and for the parole board.
I had told you that I begin doing some college studies with Mr. Thieben and Father Frank? I just want to do things to keep me busy, especially things that will help me in the long run. I'm also doing some algebra that a teacher here has been sending me.
Eventually, I will get a new TV and they cost $149 for a 13 inch flat screen color TV. I'll ask three or four different people to send me $30-$40. That isn't important right now. Have you found any time to snap some pictures? I know there are a lot of interesting sites in the city to take pictures of.
I do like self-help books and I try to take as much possible from each one that I read, but some just seem like the author was interested in making money. I like reading novels as well, especially if it is a good story. It is all about utilizing time and doing things that pass the days away. A good book does just that.
Whether they send me to a less secure prison I'm not, I don't know, but I will continue with a positive frame of mind for I know how important my freedom is.
Well, I just wanted to write you a short letter hoping all is well with you and until the next time, take very good care.
James
Truly I was lucky once again when the misbehavior reports were dismissed due to an error on the part of the administration. I hope this is a sign of good things to come in January/ 2014.
I really can't believe that I put myself in a position to get those reports when I've been trying so hard to watch my behavior, but someone has definitely been watching over me.
I spoke to David and Linda and they told me they found some things I wrote them years ago. Once they send the material to me I will send you the material so you can see my thoughts from then and until now.
I wasn't sure, but I had thought you were going to move to Manhattan and not keep your house in Rocky Point? I know it is a long commute, but is it worth it going from the city to Rocky Point?
I'm going to put together a collage of flowers for your office wall. I know you like flowers so I'll think of something. Even though I got past these misbehavior reports I'm still going to check into getting extensive therapy for it can't hurt and may just help me as a person and for the parole board.
I had told you that I begin doing some college studies with Mr. Thieben and Father Frank? I just want to do things to keep me busy, especially things that will help me in the long run. I'm also doing some algebra that a teacher here has been sending me.
Eventually, I will get a new TV and they cost $149 for a 13 inch flat screen color TV. I'll ask three or four different people to send me $30-$40. That isn't important right now. Have you found any time to snap some pictures? I know there are a lot of interesting sites in the city to take pictures of.
I do like self-help books and I try to take as much possible from each one that I read, but some just seem like the author was interested in making money. I like reading novels as well, especially if it is a good story. It is all about utilizing time and doing things that pass the days away. A good book does just that.
Whether they send me to a less secure prison I'm not, I don't know, but I will continue with a positive frame of mind for I know how important my freedom is.
Well, I just wanted to write you a short letter hoping all is well with you and until the next time, take very good care.
James
April 3,2013
Dear Nelly,
It's times like this that makes me believe there is a God!! All my misbehavior reports were dismissed due to timeliness! The prison messed up on my hearings which means there are still no blemishes on my record for January 2014. I feel so good and now I just have to work on getting a TV!
I'm wanted to write you a quick note giving you the news, so until next time, take good care.
James
It's times like this that makes me believe there is a God!! All my misbehavior reports were dismissed due to timeliness! The prison messed up on my hearings which means there are still no blemishes on my record for January 2014. I feel so good and now I just have to work on getting a TV!
I'm wanted to write you a quick note giving you the news, so until next time, take good care.
James
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