Dear Nelly,
At times I feel as if I'm living just to be free! I scratch off each period of time because it brings me that much closer to the possibility of my release. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea of what I'd like to do once I'm free.
I say it no longer matters to me if I live or die, but I'd rather die as a free man! I do truly believe I will have a hand in the way that I die and it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm free. I used to be afraid of dying, but I'm only afraid of whether it will be painful/ painless? That is the only thing I think of now, but I do want my life to mean something to me as well as someone else.
My way of thinking has nothing to do with my emotional state at this particular time for I'm content with my mental state. I tell you this so you don't grow worried. Though I'm not old by any means, but I guess as we do grow older, those are things we think about? We all want to be important to someone and as I sit here and think about it...
Most of my life I never felt important to anyone. Even before my imprisonment and during my childhood, I did not feel that my associates would miss if I was no longer around. I don't know why that is, but I know it reflects upon my personality and how I treated others. I know my social skills were hampered by my punishments at home, so I knew better than to extend myself to others. Why make friends if I knew I could not be a part of that circle for I was always punished.
I wouldn't want people to feel sympathetic,pity, or that woe is me, but it is truth with my life. I often wondered if I could have done things differently as a child or if no matter what I did, I'd be subjected to the way I was treated by my stepfather? I will never know the answer to that, but it is the reason I have difficulties believing in God and that our lives are lived according to his plan!
I am 48 years of age and I do not believe I've done anything in my life that can be looked upon with praise. It is crazy, but I have truly led a worthless existence thus far. I suppose I'd be a prime candidate for a suicide bombing? I say that because I once read how suicide bombers are chosen and most have low self-esteem, but it was said as a joke.
I used to believe that no matter how down and out I was, good would always rear its head. Only lately have I thought that this may not be true with my freedom. I'm living as I am now because I do believe I will be free soon, but what if I'm not?
I'm so happy that things have worked themselves out with my latest misbehaviors for I was that close to accepting prison as my life. I know in the long run it falls upon my own self for 20 years from now Mr.Thieben probably won't be alive and neither will David and Linda. I will be (more than likely) and I'd be more alone then I am now.
I write to share my thoughts with others, but what if I don't have others to do this with? Hopefully I'm released from prison before I find this out!
Remember the movie/ book " The Green Mile"? The man kept growing older and older which was his punishment from God for allowing John Coffee to die! I feel like that character and I'm being punished for all that I did. I can't die for then I could no longer suffer. I truly believe this, but I wish I knew all that I was being punished for? If you didn't see the movie or read the book( by Stephen King) you must for is a great story!!
Have you ever heard of Salt Point, New York? Could you please check this on the Internet. I saw it mentioned somewhere and I'm trying to find out where it is? I would appreciate it.
I think it's in my family's DNA or genes to become estranged from other family members and think nothing of it! I know when my mother was in her 20s and her mother died she stopped talking to her father and sister and to this day (the father must be dead now) she does not talk to one sister. That is a grudge over 50 years old!
My stepfather didn't talk to his own brother for decades before he finally did, but my entire family isn't talking to one another and I think it's crazy. I believe a lot of members of my family will die lonely people. The grudges usually aren't about anything, but when a parent won't talk to their child I'd have to believe this reflects upon their parenting (I guess)?
I know you said family is not as important as people make it out to be and I especially believe this when you allow your thoughts to be dominated in a bad way. I've been alone for so long that I'm use to it, but it doesn't mean that I like it.
I think a lot of my aggression was a learned behavior from my stepfather! I noticed that I was the dominant one with the group I hung around with and my behaviors were the same as my stepfathers. It's a shame when you practice the behaviors that you detest so much. It's not hard to figure out why I didn't have many friends growing up and the ones I did have was sort of bought. Did I tell you this already?
I told you my stepfather used to smoke pot and sniffed cocaine? I'd go in his room and steal some and use it to lure people to my house to hang out and get high. I'm not sure if they wondered why I always wanted to stay in my backyard, but they wouldn't put up much of an argument because I always had the good coke and weed!
I was truly afraid of my stepfather, but I didn't improve with grades/ behavior in school yet I knew it brought me troubles at home. I've had psychologists tell me this was my way, of defying my stepfather, but I don't know if I believe that, but I wasn't stupid so if I did apply myself I know I could have improved on my grades.
Then, when I first begin my sentence and I ran into a problem in prison I reacted in an extreme and violent way hoping to be praised by my stepfather. I knew he'd find out and I wanted him to know I was a man and handled things as he did in an "aggressive" manner. Is that crazy or what? I hated him and I still wanted his praise (which I never seem to get).
Do you know my aunt (my stepfathers brothers wife) was robbed in her house at gunpoint in 1982, and she always thought it was me that robbed her? The person wore a ski mask and knocked on her door and when she answered, he robbed her. She had a feeling it was me and our relationship was already estranged, but that is insane for your aunt to think this about me especially when it is furthest from the truth.
The one aunt I was close to (my mother's sister) stopped writing to me sometime in 2001 or 2002 because she said I wrote her something nasty! It wasn't nasty, I was expressing my opinion in regards to something and she took it the wrong way. I am estranged from family on ALL sides!! I suppose I'm that crazy relative in prison for murder!
Do you know what I really wish? I'd love to be dropped in the middle of the wilderness somewhere and allow me to live off the land! That would truly be the life for me where I could sit in solitude and whittle away on a piece of wood!! I am serious- I'd love that.
I decided that if I'm denied parole in January/ 2014, I'm going to place an ad to meet others. I told you I got married doing this one time before. It's crazy? The last two women I fell in love with have both died in the last five years and both were 50 or younger!!Too young for anyone to die.
I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
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