Dear Nelly,
Hopefully, you received the letter that was returned? That week, I had 2 letters returned to me for the other one was where I learned that my mother moved to Georgia- if you want her current address, let me know? Though I'm 48 years of age, it is small examples like that (my mother leaving the state without me knowing) that tug at my heart and further leads me to believe that my relations with my mother are more than estranged- practically nonexistent! Life must go on!
I'm working on another picture for your office wall hoping to brighten up the space you spend a lot of your time. Once it's done I'll send it on its way. I figure if I wait for you to write telling me what picture you like I may already be home and I'm not sure if drawing in society is something I'll do. Don't mind my sarcasm for I know you told me from the beginning you wouldn't write as much as I do. Before I forget, Happy Mother's Day! You're not my mother, but all mothers should be recognized for the job that should never end. Most mothers don't let it end, either.
Sometimes I look to write you and there isn't anything to write about for many of my days are unimportant! There is a lot of different monotonous bullshit episodes that go on, so I then think about my past and something clicks. It is the past that is important for it ALL the beginning that makes me who I am today.
Let me tell you a small secret! I believe ALL humans live to meet some goals in life.The desire to meet tomorrow is what you live for, wanting to progress with your career is one thing that keeps you going, wanting to see your children excel,wanting to see the man you love each morning when you awaken, etc. are all things (examples) that make up why you look to meet tomorrow. I want to meet tomorrow because it's another day closer to my (eventual) freedom, but... I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do!!
Of course, I look to work to take my responsibilities, but beyond that I haven't a clue. I know it will be baby steps and I want freedom so badly, but when I think about it getting lost in deep thought? I get a little scared.
I remember back in 1996, I was facilitating an "Alternatives to Violence" seminar that is ran (in-house) by the civilian Quakers. Each year we have a Festival where all inmate facilitators and civilian Quakers have a party that includes dinner and desserts. Most of the civilians are women from early 20s to up into the 80s.
I went and saw about two dozen women who were very friendly hugging us all and after five minutes, I left! I left because I felt out of place with those women and I think of this whenever I think about when I'm released? I wasn't used to being around all those women (about 20 to 24) and wonder what the hell I'll do if I have to go through Penn Station or Grand Central station to get to Long Island? What will those crowds have me thinking. It's easy to think, I'll be happy to get to that stage, but it really does worry me. Maybe if I lived more comfortable in here, not needing anything or support from others, I wouldn't want to leave prison. Crazy,huh?
Of course I love women, but I don't believe it is the first thing (sex) on a convict's mind. How could it be when one has gone so long without it? It isn't my number one priority or desire, but I don't know what is.
I'll probably never find the answer to my question, "why my life has turned outn as it has?" There are so many different theories that aren't always solid, but I'll probably die before I find the answer. It is easy to feel sorry for myself, but just as some want "something" to believe there is a Lord above- I want a reason for why I must live as I have for these 48 years.
I know what I'd like to be doing in life, but I haven't met those goals and wonder if I ever will. One thing I won't lie to myself about- I had many opportunities in the first 18 years of my life to be successful (in life).
Okay, I'll get this in the mail to you and until the next time, take good care.
James
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