Dear Nelly,
I'm sorry there has been a lapse in my writing, but some events took place that leave me shaking my head with feelings. Well, I'm not exactly sure, but?
I'm reminded of something you had asked me on our visit on October 26, 2012? You said, what happens if I run into difficulty in society as I do in prison? You were in question as to how it would be handled differently and though it is so hard for me to separate the two worlds, there is certainly a different mind frame for they are both different subcultures.
It such as one's behavior within a church as opposed to a barroom! You know the difference and what is accepted, but the question(s) I'm left to ask myself is how I could explode with such anger when I know the consequences with my future parole appearance.
I got into an explosive argument with an officer because they didn't open my recreation pen on time! I took it to the extreme where I had to be extracted from my cell and eventually taken to solitary confinement where I presently am. Sure, I should be back in my regular cell by the time you get this or soon after, but I now have that blemish on my record when I was doing so well. I smashed my TV and just went ballistic.
You know, I had stopped taking the medication (Prozac) they were giving me and I now question my own self-do I really need it that bad? Was it really helping me? I don't know, but I'm once again taking an increased dosage and then I don't know if I want to mention that to the parole commissioners for what if they wonder what I'd be like if I don't take the medications in society? I don't know, but I'll have it figured out by then (hopefully).
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realize this! If I didn't have the handful of people in society that care about me and place higher standards on me, I might have thrown in the towel and just accepted prison as a way of life. It sounds like I'm giving up the fight, but you really don't know how much easier it would be for me to just accept this.
No, I never told this to anyone, but you and that is because it is with you that I share my thoughts with (mainly)
What I'm trying to do now is to get into a mental health program here that has extensive counseling. In the 80s the office of mental health wanted me to participate in the program and today they tell me I don't fit the criteria! Why, because I'm able to put together a sentence and I'm articulate? Well, I'm in the process of writing people for I know I need help and counseling can't hurt! I'll let you know how it goes with my letter writing campaign.
I never realized that you were teacher with students? I guess I just pictured you in the lab doing your studies, but then I realize you also teach as you do these studies.
You know what really eats away at me? The fact that these C.O.s aren't penalized when they don't do their jobs! They write us up and we suffer, but when we write them up nothing changes, they still go home each and every day. This last episode will probably cost me another two years of my life and what could I do except think about 2016 now? I can't do a damn thing about it!
Mr. Thieben sent me some novels and I'm reading one that I know you'd enjoy! It's called," I Know This Much Is True" by Wally Lamb and it's about identical twins and one is schizophrenic. It is about the trials and tribulations of their lives. It is like 900 pages long, but it's really good. My problem is that I go through books too fast! I've read seven books in the last 10 days! When you are in the cell with nothing else to do it is easy to read a lot. Which reminds me, I'm sending everyone book orders and if there processed that's fine, if not? No big deal. If you want to go online the web address is www.Hamiltonbook.com.
Have you ever heard of " Lord of The Flies? It's a classic that most have read in school and I asked, if you come across, please hold it for me. I never read it and I'd like to.
You never mentioned whether or not you found your residence in Harlem? I'm happy that You Kept Your place in Rocky Point. I suppose I feel this way because of my connection to Rocky Point even though I've not been there in over 30 Years.
Your office sounds nice with great views, it's almost easy to forget that instead of spread out, property size is measured with how far into the sky a building goes. You don't have the same students with you (right)? You must gain a connection with students as well, so is that hard to change as well? What the students in Brookhaven lab are being taught by you- is there someone else that picks up where you left off?
I haven't spoken to David and Linda via the phone yet, but I can't wait for I know they will be excited to tell me what they think of you. I know you didn't mention Father Frank yet, but the last time I heard from him he told me he was a consulant for WCBS radio in regards to the Pope's resignation. I was just happy that you got in touch with David and Linda, they are two wonderful people.
I will definitely resume my writing once again and you will be kept abreast of what's going on with the last episode. Sure, I'll probably get another TV, but I'll wait to see what happens in January.Until then I will do a lot of reading. Something I really haven't done when I had my TV. There are a lot of classic books that I'd like to get to and I will do so now.
Did I tell you that Mr. Thieben and Father Frank are giving me college material to do via the mail? I had suggested to them that I'd like to learn more and they definitely thought it was a good idea. I'm doing history with Mr. Thieben and I haven't yet received anything from Father Frank. I don't care about credits or degrees, I just want to expand my knowledge, I just enjoy learning new things.
I also came in second place here in the prison in a Martin Luther King essay contest. I got a bronze nugget certificate- whoopie doo, right? I just thought what the hell, I'll submit my thoughts. I sent the certificate to be to be placed in my parole folder and the essay to David and Linda. They like receiving stuff like that.
It feels good to write you again and I didn't realize so much time has elapsed. It is like therapy for me to write you, I think I told you this before?
As I once said, if I send you an order form (as I do now) and you don't want to process it, just don't do it. Hell, I'll even take some novels that you and your husband already read. Just throw them in a manila envelope and mail them off (please).
I'll explain more about this present incident in my next letter, but I just wanted to reconnect after that lapse. It is unusual for me, but very common for you to let such a period of time elapse without writing. Anyway I'm back!!
Have you dusted the camera lens off and snapped any photos lately? Do you want anything else drawn? Let me know by sending me a picture of it off the computer, etc.. I like drawing so you aren't putting me out of the way.
I will write more later, so until the next time, take good care.
James
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