Dear Nelly,
Truly I hope SANDY was no match for you & your husband and the both of you are well? I know the news showed a lot of New Jersey and New York damaged.How are you doing?Now that I met you I feel to be closer as a friend and want you to write more,but…?I don't expect your writing habits to change!!
The only hurricane I can remember being apart of when I was in society was called BELLE!It had to be in the early 70s,but I remember walking around the neighborhood the following day helping those with fallen trees and other debris.It was fun as a child to see the change of the landscape and that is the only hurricane I was in society for.
I know I said this in my last letter and it certainly shows your concern,but my disappointment reaction(s) aren't much different from others.I want you to know that for you seemed to be real concerned about this and I definitely know that there are consequences if I handle my disappointments the wrong way(s).I'm in a prison that should keep me safe & sound and I shouldn't find ANY troubles which is great for January/2014 which is only 14 months away!Remember when I wrote to tell you I was just denied parole for 24 months in January/2012?Time does pass no matter what and soon 2013 will be here.
I wanted to ask you on the visit,but I forgot!Who nominated you for the award from the VILLAGE BEACON RECORD?
Your husband reminds me of Mr.Thieben in one sense.You said your husband takes pictures of people?Mr.Thieben once told me he only goes to shopping centers to study people(he is a sociologist).Oh yeah,I told Father Frank you visited and that you may contact him.You have his number on that letter of his and I know you'll find him to be a great man besides a priest!
I'll get back to expressing my thoughts again,but I just wanted to drop you a short letter.Until the next time,take good care.Useless information for you?I just heard that 40% of people usually stay in/around the neighborhood they grew up in.
James
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Monday, January 28, 2019
October 29,2012
Dear Nelly,
Truly it was an honor to meet you in person!You always try to form a picture in your head of who is on the otherside of the letter and it was so interesting to meet you.It is persons like you that reinforce my beliefs that ones' upbringing doesn't necessarily dictate what/where they will land in life.
Before my imprisonment(that other life of mine)may not had been as difficult as your very own upbringing.I truly admire where you were and where you're today.I have always felt that no matter where we were/are in life or how difficult it may be there is something of use that we can take out of any situation.It may be something we've experienced and it may be ugly,but if we turn it into a positive,it does not always have to be seen as an eye sore or ugly blemish.
Sure,I do grow disappointed with decisions that are made beyond my control,but not in the sense where I'll respond in a negative way.I suppose the frustration is because I'm not sure what else I'm able to do except TIME itself?I can't put a value amount on a person's life,but my remorse today was just as strong as it was 20 years ago.I'm just left to do time and it is HOPE within my heart that leads me to believe I'll one day be able to define my position in life as a person of substance.I just want to be able to mean something to someone else and I truly believe I will one of these days.
Each day,week,month,and year that I live is toward January of 2014,and though I'll be disappointed if I'm not released.I know I can't/won't respond in a way that will jeopardize my chances at a latter parole hearing.
I'm sure I've been guilty of such in my life time,but it disturbs me that people are able to interrupt,make judgments,invade,etc. another's life without any thought whatsoever.I don't only refer to the parole board, I speak about any negative one showers upon another.
I haven't drawn in about 6 years and I know I told you this,but the last time was when Lise passed away.I didn't solely stop because of her death for there was just no one to draw for and it doesn't pay for me to try and sell art in here.In due time I am going to draw you something for your new office.I suppose it will be with a theme of nature and if you're offered thousands just send me a percentage(smile).
It was sad to hear about your friend(Violet)and the passing of her husband.It is said that bwe grow stronger via turmoil but I can't attest to that theory.I just try to meet the following day as best that I could.I just hope that one day she'll be able to find a comfort zone of true happiness.
I know there have been times within my life that I've acted impulsively, but by no means should you think I'll fall flat on my face if parole is denied to me in 2014.I know negative behaviors certainly would not help at all and I do believe I will one day be released from prison.
I have tried to express such in a letter before and I'm writing this only hours after our visit.I do hope you'll return Saturday so I could tell you in person,but just in case?
You don't seem to realize that you corresponding with me is an abundance of wealth to me and while I truly appreciate ALL that you do for me?You're an amazing woman and while I never expected anything from you,my appreciations are forever extended.Being blessed with meeting people like you is when I lean towards believing there is a God and that is the truth.
Don't think it has slipped my mind that you were considerate enough to think ahead with the case study in regards to my parole hearing.By that time you'll have a book full of letters that you could put on the internet.As long as I'm able to write I could never run out of things to tell you.
Let me suggest a book to you that I'd like you to read.It is called,"IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST" written by Norman Mailer and it is the life story of Jack Henry Abbott who hung himself in 2002 in Wende Corr. Fac..I was there,but in a different block.He told the real deal about N.Y. State prisons and I suggest it to give you an idea why I prefer solitude over dealing with nonsense all day.It is truly nonsense and game that I've heard 1000s of times and it disgusts me now.
I don't believe you need me to tell you,but you're truly an AMAZING woman!!During our conversations on our visit I realized ALL the lives you support which is very considerate.From family,to a nanny,a friend that lost a spouse,and my own self!I do try to express my apprciations and I do hope others do as well for you should truly be praised for such.It isn't a small matter and you should certainly praise your ownself as well for you're a good person.Such a good person that when you do relocate your lab to Manhattan that you remember to supply me with an avenue to keep in touch with you.
Was the whole visiting experience what you envisioned in your head?I know a lot of people read things or will see a movie about prison and that is their impression.The media and movies exaggerate things which is why I wonder if it is different than what you imagined?
If it is still the same?The laundromat where you do your clothes(on Broadway)had a backdoor,parking lot,and right out the door is a bench?That is the bench I sat on Christmas morning of 1981.Everything in town was closed and at 7:30am I sat shivering with cold not realizing that would be a day I can't seem to forget as being one of the worst days of my life.I look back to it now and it's almost as if I could see myself at 16 years old sitting there,I could still shudder from the cold and I still recall what the air smelled like.It's crazy how time doesn't seem to change certain places and then other places change so drastically.
I knew it has a reputation for such,but I never had a problem walking through Harlem at 16!It was funny how so many believed I was a cop and if I wasn't with a person of color they wouldn't have been persuaded other wise.
Well Nelly,it was truly great to meet you in person and I thank you for your visit and all you've done for me.Truly it is a blessing and I'm happy I met you.Until the next time,take very good care of yourself.
James
Truly it was an honor to meet you in person!You always try to form a picture in your head of who is on the otherside of the letter and it was so interesting to meet you.It is persons like you that reinforce my beliefs that ones' upbringing doesn't necessarily dictate what/where they will land in life.
Before my imprisonment(that other life of mine)may not had been as difficult as your very own upbringing.I truly admire where you were and where you're today.I have always felt that no matter where we were/are in life or how difficult it may be there is something of use that we can take out of any situation.It may be something we've experienced and it may be ugly,but if we turn it into a positive,it does not always have to be seen as an eye sore or ugly blemish.
Sure,I do grow disappointed with decisions that are made beyond my control,but not in the sense where I'll respond in a negative way.I suppose the frustration is because I'm not sure what else I'm able to do except TIME itself?I can't put a value amount on a person's life,but my remorse today was just as strong as it was 20 years ago.I'm just left to do time and it is HOPE within my heart that leads me to believe I'll one day be able to define my position in life as a person of substance.I just want to be able to mean something to someone else and I truly believe I will one of these days.
Each day,week,month,and year that I live is toward January of 2014,and though I'll be disappointed if I'm not released.I know I can't/won't respond in a way that will jeopardize my chances at a latter parole hearing.
I'm sure I've been guilty of such in my life time,but it disturbs me that people are able to interrupt,make judgments,invade,etc. another's life without any thought whatsoever.I don't only refer to the parole board, I speak about any negative one showers upon another.
I haven't drawn in about 6 years and I know I told you this,but the last time was when Lise passed away.I didn't solely stop because of her death for there was just no one to draw for and it doesn't pay for me to try and sell art in here.In due time I am going to draw you something for your new office.I suppose it will be with a theme of nature and if you're offered thousands just send me a percentage(smile).
It was sad to hear about your friend(Violet)and the passing of her husband.It is said that bwe grow stronger via turmoil but I can't attest to that theory.I just try to meet the following day as best that I could.I just hope that one day she'll be able to find a comfort zone of true happiness.
I know there have been times within my life that I've acted impulsively, but by no means should you think I'll fall flat on my face if parole is denied to me in 2014.I know negative behaviors certainly would not help at all and I do believe I will one day be released from prison.
I have tried to express such in a letter before and I'm writing this only hours after our visit.I do hope you'll return Saturday so I could tell you in person,but just in case?
You don't seem to realize that you corresponding with me is an abundance of wealth to me and while I truly appreciate ALL that you do for me?You're an amazing woman and while I never expected anything from you,my appreciations are forever extended.Being blessed with meeting people like you is when I lean towards believing there is a God and that is the truth.
Don't think it has slipped my mind that you were considerate enough to think ahead with the case study in regards to my parole hearing.By that time you'll have a book full of letters that you could put on the internet.As long as I'm able to write I could never run out of things to tell you.
Let me suggest a book to you that I'd like you to read.It is called,"IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST" written by Norman Mailer and it is the life story of Jack Henry Abbott who hung himself in 2002 in Wende Corr. Fac..I was there,but in a different block.He told the real deal about N.Y. State prisons and I suggest it to give you an idea why I prefer solitude over dealing with nonsense all day.It is truly nonsense and game that I've heard 1000s of times and it disgusts me now.
I don't believe you need me to tell you,but you're truly an AMAZING woman!!During our conversations on our visit I realized ALL the lives you support which is very considerate.From family,to a nanny,a friend that lost a spouse,and my own self!I do try to express my apprciations and I do hope others do as well for you should truly be praised for such.It isn't a small matter and you should certainly praise your ownself as well for you're a good person.Such a good person that when you do relocate your lab to Manhattan that you remember to supply me with an avenue to keep in touch with you.
Was the whole visiting experience what you envisioned in your head?I know a lot of people read things or will see a movie about prison and that is their impression.The media and movies exaggerate things which is why I wonder if it is different than what you imagined?
If it is still the same?The laundromat where you do your clothes(on Broadway)had a backdoor,parking lot,and right out the door is a bench?That is the bench I sat on Christmas morning of 1981.Everything in town was closed and at 7:30am I sat shivering with cold not realizing that would be a day I can't seem to forget as being one of the worst days of my life.I look back to it now and it's almost as if I could see myself at 16 years old sitting there,I could still shudder from the cold and I still recall what the air smelled like.It's crazy how time doesn't seem to change certain places and then other places change so drastically.
I knew it has a reputation for such,but I never had a problem walking through Harlem at 16!It was funny how so many believed I was a cop and if I wasn't with a person of color they wouldn't have been persuaded other wise.
Well Nelly,it was truly great to meet you in person and I thank you for your visit and all you've done for me.Truly it is a blessing and I'm happy I met you.Until the next time,take very good care of yourself.
James
Saturday, January 26, 2019
October 26,2012
Dear Nelly,
Is it not the norm or possibly not in favor of Hollywood's image for I always seem to think the BEFORE image is usually more attractive then the AFTER?You are wondering what the hell I'm talking about?I write about all these diet commercials!I believe the before pictures are usually better and though I get tired of all those types of commercials,I can't seem to turn the channel.I just think people are too caught up with self image.People don't need others to tell them if they are healthy or not.
I probably don't need to say this,but I will and since I try to express myself fully,it won't be in one sentence.
Being "imprisoned" has always made me look to HUMANIZE myself to the outside world.Even if one does not make me feel less,I still try to point out that my crime does not define who I am.Also,I wrote to Mr.Thieben for close to 20 years before I asked him anything about his personal life.
It isn't that I'm afraid,but I guess I feel so privileged to have persons within my life such as Mr.Thieben,Father Frank,David,and Linda that I don't ask too many personal questions because I'm AFRAID to lose the friendships.I'd have to exclude David & Linda for I do know about their families for they opened that part of their lives to me.
I can't think for Nelly(you)so I only guess,assume,wonder,etc. if it is right/wrong,normal/abnormal,etc. for me to ask about your life beyond your laboratory/research?I know I must step outside of my identity as a convict dealing with our friendship for in here it is OUR duty to learn as much as we can about those around us to survive.I don't want to believe I lost my social skills,but most of my socializing has been as an inmate in maximum security prisons.
I suppose I always thought about-I don't put it in a question for I don't know if there is a simple answer-what leads persons to be so genuine and considerate such as YOU,Mr.Thieben,Father Frank,David,and Linda?People like you are what drives me to be a better person and NEVER to view the world as an ugly place.You know how you have people with the mind set,it's me against the world?A lot of prisoners feel this way and I always try to point out to them how many genuine people there are in this world.
It is extra special to a man/woman in prison and my appreciations for persons such as you go so deep that I'd never turn down ANY request you asked of me.It isn't a submissive or obedient mind frame,it is an extension of my appreciations that could never be shown except via that statement up above(2 lines up).It is the truth and unless one spent time in a prison cell,they will never know what it means to have HOPE for it is what keeps me alive.
The reason I enclosed the letter from Father Frank is to show you that I even keep in touch with a former correction officer.He retired years ago,but he worked there when I was first arrested.I was on his gallery and I guess from just normal conversation he has kept in touch with me via Father Frank & Mr.Thieben.He is a security guard at the college they teach at and they are all friends.Anyway,it is people like all of you that keep everything in focus and to know it's not me against the world.
I try to point it out in most of my letters to you and you don't even need to respond to it,but I truly thank you and appreciate all that you have done for me.It really means a lot to me.
Most of the leaves have fallen off the trees outside my window,but I really can't see much further into the trees for there are just too many trees out there.
Well,I'll close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
Is it not the norm or possibly not in favor of Hollywood's image for I always seem to think the BEFORE image is usually more attractive then the AFTER?You are wondering what the hell I'm talking about?I write about all these diet commercials!I believe the before pictures are usually better and though I get tired of all those types of commercials,I can't seem to turn the channel.I just think people are too caught up with self image.People don't need others to tell them if they are healthy or not.
I probably don't need to say this,but I will and since I try to express myself fully,it won't be in one sentence.
Being "imprisoned" has always made me look to HUMANIZE myself to the outside world.Even if one does not make me feel less,I still try to point out that my crime does not define who I am.Also,I wrote to Mr.Thieben for close to 20 years before I asked him anything about his personal life.
It isn't that I'm afraid,but I guess I feel so privileged to have persons within my life such as Mr.Thieben,Father Frank,David,and Linda that I don't ask too many personal questions because I'm AFRAID to lose the friendships.I'd have to exclude David & Linda for I do know about their families for they opened that part of their lives to me.
I can't think for Nelly(you)so I only guess,assume,wonder,etc. if it is right/wrong,normal/abnormal,etc. for me to ask about your life beyond your laboratory/research?I know I must step outside of my identity as a convict dealing with our friendship for in here it is OUR duty to learn as much as we can about those around us to survive.I don't want to believe I lost my social skills,but most of my socializing has been as an inmate in maximum security prisons.
I suppose I always thought about-I don't put it in a question for I don't know if there is a simple answer-what leads persons to be so genuine and considerate such as YOU,Mr.Thieben,Father Frank,David,and Linda?People like you are what drives me to be a better person and NEVER to view the world as an ugly place.You know how you have people with the mind set,it's me against the world?A lot of prisoners feel this way and I always try to point out to them how many genuine people there are in this world.
It is extra special to a man/woman in prison and my appreciations for persons such as you go so deep that I'd never turn down ANY request you asked of me.It isn't a submissive or obedient mind frame,it is an extension of my appreciations that could never be shown except via that statement up above(2 lines up).It is the truth and unless one spent time in a prison cell,they will never know what it means to have HOPE for it is what keeps me alive.
The reason I enclosed the letter from Father Frank is to show you that I even keep in touch with a former correction officer.He retired years ago,but he worked there when I was first arrested.I was on his gallery and I guess from just normal conversation he has kept in touch with me via Father Frank & Mr.Thieben.He is a security guard at the college they teach at and they are all friends.Anyway,it is people like all of you that keep everything in focus and to know it's not me against the world.
I try to point it out in most of my letters to you and you don't even need to respond to it,but I truly thank you and appreciate all that you have done for me.It really means a lot to me.
Most of the leaves have fallen off the trees outside my window,but I really can't see much further into the trees for there are just too many trees out there.
Well,I'll close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
Friday, January 25, 2019
October 24,2012
Dear Nelly,
I'm not sure if I ever gave my theory as to "whenever things seem to be going well,I expect to fall upon my face for that is how it's always been!"
During my sentence I,m not sure I've ever had a stretch of time where I've done so well without misbehavior.I am 7 months shy of 2 years without misbehavior and only one small infraction in three plus years.I know I have to keep this up to better my chances for freedom.
Though this has NOTHING to do with you visiting(nothing stops visits)this facility is on a lock-down.Every maximum security prison gets locked down at least once a year and more if therev are major problems(violence).I think this is just the yearly lock-down.They usually last for no less then 3 days and no more then a week.
What does it mean?It means all inmates are locked in their cells except for visits and emergency medical problems until the entire prison is searched.Sure,the main thing that is looked for is weapons,but this is where extra pillows,sheets,and other items that one doesn't have a facility permit for(radios,T.V.s,headphones,etc.).The worst PART of a facility lock-down?Bologna & cheese sandwiches for the entire week!I do like bologna,but the state gives shitty bologna!
I tell you all of this because your visit will be that much more appreciative.NOW,I'm certainly not preparing to fall upon my face over your visit for if I know Nelly Alia-Klein?It wouldn't be the first time she said she(you) was coming to visit.Truly I'm making a joke that rings true,but I'm smart enough to know this isn't a 30 minute trip like Rocky Point to Port Jefferson.As I tell ALL persons, I know you have much more responsibilities then visiting me, but nevertheless, I do look forward to meeting you.Hopefully, it will be before you receive this letter.
It is 6:05am(Tuesday)and I was just watching the news and I found out something I didn't know?The prison is locked down because there was a group of inmates fighting in the yard and canisters of tear gas were shot into the yard.They said 6 officers were hurt.It still doesn't affect visits so I do hope to see you soon.
As I said before, no one was happy with me when I stopped eating.The prison administration didn't like it and neither did Albany!When I arrived here at Five Points Corr. Fac. my destination was already decided and I was placed in segregation as a punishment.They could never break me if I don't want them to because my mind is to strong for such and as long as I know how to read I will live and breathe.
The reason I don't complain about it is because I know when to leave well enough alone.Sure, I could write it up,but my fear is that they will leave me in solitary confinement much longer.As I said,the positive is that trouble isn't found and this is a good thing for me.I tell you ALL of this because this is why I didn't know there was a problem in population and why we are locked down.
A lot of times they will say officers were hurt,but it is usually a ploy indirectly informing the Governor that it isn't wise to lay off officers or it is a defense after they severly beat the inmates involved.Recently the Governor threatened to lay off officers.It is usually the inmates who are hurt-not officers.
What other things do you research?From determining if a GENE(one has)causes violence to what else?Do you have a boss who tells you what to work on?Will you be doing the same type of things at your job in Manhattan?
As I said, I hope to see you this week,but nevertheless,my letters will keep coming.I'll make this one short and until next time,take good care.
James
I'm not sure if I ever gave my theory as to "whenever things seem to be going well,I expect to fall upon my face for that is how it's always been!"
During my sentence I,m not sure I've ever had a stretch of time where I've done so well without misbehavior.I am 7 months shy of 2 years without misbehavior and only one small infraction in three plus years.I know I have to keep this up to better my chances for freedom.
Though this has NOTHING to do with you visiting(nothing stops visits)this facility is on a lock-down.Every maximum security prison gets locked down at least once a year and more if therev are major problems(violence).I think this is just the yearly lock-down.They usually last for no less then 3 days and no more then a week.
What does it mean?It means all inmates are locked in their cells except for visits and emergency medical problems until the entire prison is searched.Sure,the main thing that is looked for is weapons,but this is where extra pillows,sheets,and other items that one doesn't have a facility permit for(radios,T.V.s,headphones,etc.).The worst PART of a facility lock-down?Bologna & cheese sandwiches for the entire week!I do like bologna,but the state gives shitty bologna!
I tell you all of this because your visit will be that much more appreciative.NOW,I'm certainly not preparing to fall upon my face over your visit for if I know Nelly Alia-Klein?It wouldn't be the first time she said she(you) was coming to visit.Truly I'm making a joke that rings true,but I'm smart enough to know this isn't a 30 minute trip like Rocky Point to Port Jefferson.As I tell ALL persons, I know you have much more responsibilities then visiting me, but nevertheless, I do look forward to meeting you.Hopefully, it will be before you receive this letter.
It is 6:05am(Tuesday)and I was just watching the news and I found out something I didn't know?The prison is locked down because there was a group of inmates fighting in the yard and canisters of tear gas were shot into the yard.They said 6 officers were hurt.It still doesn't affect visits so I do hope to see you soon.
As I said before, no one was happy with me when I stopped eating.The prison administration didn't like it and neither did Albany!When I arrived here at Five Points Corr. Fac. my destination was already decided and I was placed in segregation as a punishment.They could never break me if I don't want them to because my mind is to strong for such and as long as I know how to read I will live and breathe.
The reason I don't complain about it is because I know when to leave well enough alone.Sure, I could write it up,but my fear is that they will leave me in solitary confinement much longer.As I said,the positive is that trouble isn't found and this is a good thing for me.I tell you ALL of this because this is why I didn't know there was a problem in population and why we are locked down.
A lot of times they will say officers were hurt,but it is usually a ploy indirectly informing the Governor that it isn't wise to lay off officers or it is a defense after they severly beat the inmates involved.Recently the Governor threatened to lay off officers.It is usually the inmates who are hurt-not officers.
What other things do you research?From determining if a GENE(one has)causes violence to what else?Do you have a boss who tells you what to work on?Will you be doing the same type of things at your job in Manhattan?
As I said, I hope to see you this week,but nevertheless,my letters will keep coming.I'll make this one short and until next time,take good care.
James
Thursday, January 24, 2019
October 19,2012
Dear Nelly,
I'm sitting here watching you on T.V. at this very moment and these are my thoughts.That machine that takes pictures of the brain?Is it a CATSCAN?I ask this because I see there are some "limitations" on your studies because of my imprisonment.Well,I know for a fact that I had a CATSCAN done in early 2006,in an outside hospital.On May 1,2006,I was hit from behind in the head.My facial bones were broken which was the reason for the catscan.If you had these catscan photos would it help your studies?I'm not sure if the outside hospital keeps those on file or if the prison does,but is this something you want me to look into?
My opinion(s) is that my make-up was due to my environment!I believed this before I met you and believe it even further after watching you on NOVA.
Though I do believe a defense attorney will grasp thin air to give a defendant a proper defense,I don't believe the courts will accept this technology on warrior genes yet.I mean,a defendant can put forth ANY defense,but I'm not sure it will be given much weight yet.I could see it being utilized in presentence reports hoping sentences will be lighter.
I do believe that the warrior gene exist,but as the program suggested,it goes back to one's upbringing(environment).I believe my childhood/early teens were shaped/molded while I lived at home and it erupted when I was thrown out of my house.Without supervision I suppose I exceled in destruction.
I definitely think DNA is one of the best discoveries ever!It helps catch criminals as well as exonerates many.
I started the second grade when I moved to Rocky Point,so I believe I was 7 years old?I think the earliest memory I have of my stepfather was when I was 7 years old and I'm not sure if I told you about it?It was the day we moved to Rocky Point and we were unloading the U-haul truck.I picked up a B.B. gun that I began playing with.Nothing serious,but as a child I picked it up aiming it like I was shooting at something.My stepfather screamed at me and hit me for playing with the B.B. gun.I was made to sit in the room that would be mine.It had nothing in the room so I had to sit on the hardwood floor!The reason I bring this up again is because it is the first memory I have of my stepfather.
I remember when my younger brother was born(I was 5)and the day my mother & father brought him home.I don't remember my stepfather from that day,but I knew it was him driving because he was married to my mother then(so it had to be him).
One day I'd like to ask my sister if she remembers ANY happy memories of him because no matter how much I disliked him,I'd still admit to a happy memory,but I just can't remember one.I don't know why I was thinking this,but I was.
With these short letters I am leaving you time to do other things in your day.I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
I'm sitting here watching you on T.V. at this very moment and these are my thoughts.That machine that takes pictures of the brain?Is it a CATSCAN?I ask this because I see there are some "limitations" on your studies because of my imprisonment.Well,I know for a fact that I had a CATSCAN done in early 2006,in an outside hospital.On May 1,2006,I was hit from behind in the head.My facial bones were broken which was the reason for the catscan.If you had these catscan photos would it help your studies?I'm not sure if the outside hospital keeps those on file or if the prison does,but is this something you want me to look into?
My opinion(s) is that my make-up was due to my environment!I believed this before I met you and believe it even further after watching you on NOVA.
Though I do believe a defense attorney will grasp thin air to give a defendant a proper defense,I don't believe the courts will accept this technology on warrior genes yet.I mean,a defendant can put forth ANY defense,but I'm not sure it will be given much weight yet.I could see it being utilized in presentence reports hoping sentences will be lighter.
I do believe that the warrior gene exist,but as the program suggested,it goes back to one's upbringing(environment).I believe my childhood/early teens were shaped/molded while I lived at home and it erupted when I was thrown out of my house.Without supervision I suppose I exceled in destruction.
I definitely think DNA is one of the best discoveries ever!It helps catch criminals as well as exonerates many.
I started the second grade when I moved to Rocky Point,so I believe I was 7 years old?I think the earliest memory I have of my stepfather was when I was 7 years old and I'm not sure if I told you about it?It was the day we moved to Rocky Point and we were unloading the U-haul truck.I picked up a B.B. gun that I began playing with.Nothing serious,but as a child I picked it up aiming it like I was shooting at something.My stepfather screamed at me and hit me for playing with the B.B. gun.I was made to sit in the room that would be mine.It had nothing in the room so I had to sit on the hardwood floor!The reason I bring this up again is because it is the first memory I have of my stepfather.
I remember when my younger brother was born(I was 5)and the day my mother & father brought him home.I don't remember my stepfather from that day,but I knew it was him driving because he was married to my mother then(so it had to be him).
One day I'd like to ask my sister if she remembers ANY happy memories of him because no matter how much I disliked him,I'd still admit to a happy memory,but I just can't remember one.I don't know why I was thinking this,but I was.
With these short letters I am leaving you time to do other things in your day.I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
October 17,2012
Dear Nelly,
Maybe I'm being ridiculous,but when I was watching the news the other day and messages were being ran across the bottom of the screen...I was expecting to see Dr.Nelly Alia-Klein for winning the Nobel prize!As a scientist,is this something that is ever thought about during your career?
Do you remember when George Pataki was the Governor of New York State?His agenda was being tough on crime and violent felons stayed in prison as long as possible!He made sure of this with the persons he appointed to sit on the parole board.There have been law suits filed for no matter how well one did in prison,if you had a violent crime you shouldn't be expected to be released.
There are still a few commissioners left that Governor Pataki appointed,but their terms will soon run out.They still follow his agenda even though he hasn't been Governor for over 10 years.In any event,there has been a recognized change so it does give violent felons HOPE now.
My main thing is misbehavior for I have ALL my needed programs and I'm doing good on the misbehavior front for I've had one report in the past 3 years and that wasn't anything serious(missing the morning count).January/2014 is right around the corner for years seem to go by quicker as we age.
Do you have any idea when you'll be leaving Brookhaven Lab?Who nominated you for the 2011 woman of the year for that newspaper?I always think of nominating Mr.Thieben,but I don't know if I'm able to put it in 200 words how important he is to me(200 words isn't enough).I always tell him in letters so he does know what he means to me.Sometimes I just feel EVERYBODY should know how great of a man he is.
There are a lot of towns up here named after(I guess)Italian cities and Greek philosophers/mythological creatures.You have Rome,Utica,and then Romulus right in this area.Didn't Romulus have a twin brother in Greek myth?If it wasn't for prison I probably wouldn't have known shit about upstate,New York.
I'll be watching NOVA tonight so my next letter will be what I thought about it.I just wondered if judges will start talking science in their opinions when they sentence people.I'm sure it's something prosecuters do not want to have to deal with for they don't want any excuses as to why people are violent except for the fact that they are just mean,evil people who don't care about others and for that reason they deserve the maximum sentences!
This aggravates me so I'll close for now and will write more later on.Take good care.
James
Maybe I'm being ridiculous,but when I was watching the news the other day and messages were being ran across the bottom of the screen...I was expecting to see Dr.Nelly Alia-Klein for winning the Nobel prize!As a scientist,is this something that is ever thought about during your career?
Do you remember when George Pataki was the Governor of New York State?His agenda was being tough on crime and violent felons stayed in prison as long as possible!He made sure of this with the persons he appointed to sit on the parole board.There have been law suits filed for no matter how well one did in prison,if you had a violent crime you shouldn't be expected to be released.
There are still a few commissioners left that Governor Pataki appointed,but their terms will soon run out.They still follow his agenda even though he hasn't been Governor for over 10 years.In any event,there has been a recognized change so it does give violent felons HOPE now.
My main thing is misbehavior for I have ALL my needed programs and I'm doing good on the misbehavior front for I've had one report in the past 3 years and that wasn't anything serious(missing the morning count).January/2014 is right around the corner for years seem to go by quicker as we age.
Do you have any idea when you'll be leaving Brookhaven Lab?Who nominated you for the 2011 woman of the year for that newspaper?I always think of nominating Mr.Thieben,but I don't know if I'm able to put it in 200 words how important he is to me(200 words isn't enough).I always tell him in letters so he does know what he means to me.Sometimes I just feel EVERYBODY should know how great of a man he is.
There are a lot of towns up here named after(I guess)Italian cities and Greek philosophers/mythological creatures.You have Rome,Utica,and then Romulus right in this area.Didn't Romulus have a twin brother in Greek myth?If it wasn't for prison I probably wouldn't have known shit about upstate,New York.
I'll be watching NOVA tonight so my next letter will be what I thought about it.I just wondered if judges will start talking science in their opinions when they sentence people.I'm sure it's something prosecuters do not want to have to deal with for they don't want any excuses as to why people are violent except for the fact that they are just mean,evil people who don't care about others and for that reason they deserve the maximum sentences!
This aggravates me so I'll close for now and will write more later on.Take good care.
James
Monday, January 14, 2019
October 15,2012
Dear Nelly,
It is so AMAZING that you know "exactly" what I wanted for this poem!Yes,it is exactly how I wanted it band there is only one correction that needs to be made?
In the eighth line down,"wishing your forgotten voice would reappear."You have YOU instead of YOUR.It is so beautiful with the background and it is "exactly" what I had in mind.Truly it is!
Nelly,I really don't think you understand and I've attempted to point it out in my letters over & over.I feel like a child on xmas morning each time I open one of your letters!Your correspondence is MORE then enough for me!I DO NOT need more for it is truly a blessing to me that you do write.I know you're a married woman and I would never cross that line or make you feel uncomfortable.
Writing is more than enough and I've been writing Linda(a married woman)for 24 years!Her writing is more than enough as well and please don't EVER believe I'll expect more from you.You'll never have to read "between the lines" with what I write fot there is no hidden motives or underlying meaning,so your correspondence is MORE than enough!
About your visit?Just call to make sure,but I think you need 2 pieces of I.D.(one has to have your photo)such as your driver's licence,work I.D.,etc..You could visit any day of the week and you put the visiting hours down as 9am-3pm.The best days are Monday thru Friday for on the weekends it is more crowded.Whatever works for you.
NO,the parole board will not know about the hunger strike and if they did?I wouldn't have done it.I do keep ALL good reports I get so they could see them and they do know all the programs I participated in during my sentence.As I said,I only have one minor form of misbehavior in the last 3 years(for over sleeping during the facility count)so things are looking good.I told Mr.Thieben there is a good chance him & I will be having a cup of coffee together in 2014!
Guess what?I just saw the previews for the NOVA episode for Wednesday(the 17th).I will definitely be watching it!
You also might want to give yourself some time to travel here.I mean,if you were to leave your house at 9am you might get here with only 20 minutes to visit.I am not far from Syracuse,so leave yourself some time to get here.
I want to point out to you again,YOU do more than enough for me and it isn't LITTLE things as you point out!What you do is instill HOPE within my heart and that is priceless & immeasurable.Truly that is something I am unable to put in words no matter how well I can write.
I'm going to send Mr.Thieben a copy of the poem for him to hang in his office.I'll tell him I wrote it with Lise in mind and the copy you sent first will go on my wall with your pictures.It reminds me of FOOTPRINTS!Do you know that saying?Jesus is walking on the beach with someone and when the guy wakes up he notices one set of footprints and when he asks Jesus about them,Jesus told him he carried him when he grew weak.It has a lot of meaning and I do believe it's called FOOTPRINTS.
On my part there is no rush on the case study.I'm sure it will get done when you're ready to do so.I do try to write whatever I'm thinking and/or feeling so it will help you as well when you do sit down to write the study.
The other day an inmate was complaining about how these cells are so closed in and the closed in feelings he feels?When I told him how much I like it,he thought I was crazy!It is not about being antisocial for I just like the solitude and silence!It is so nice not having to hear the same old rhetoric.It really does surprise me that you think I need more than just our correspondence?I am a man that has corresponded with Mr.Thieben for 29 years,with David & Linda for 24 years,and Father Frank for decades.Each one of them have instilled a piece of HOPE within my life giving me reason to want to meet the many tomorrows I have met.Believe me,your correspondence means a lot to me and I want you to know this.
I will put an end to this missive and until the next time,take very good care of yourself.
James
It is so AMAZING that you know "exactly" what I wanted for this poem!Yes,it is exactly how I wanted it band there is only one correction that needs to be made?
In the eighth line down,"wishing your forgotten voice would reappear."You have YOU instead of YOUR.It is so beautiful with the background and it is "exactly" what I had in mind.Truly it is!
Nelly,I really don't think you understand and I've attempted to point it out in my letters over & over.I feel like a child on xmas morning each time I open one of your letters!Your correspondence is MORE then enough for me!I DO NOT need more for it is truly a blessing to me that you do write.I know you're a married woman and I would never cross that line or make you feel uncomfortable.
Writing is more than enough and I've been writing Linda(a married woman)for 24 years!Her writing is more than enough as well and please don't EVER believe I'll expect more from you.You'll never have to read "between the lines" with what I write fot there is no hidden motives or underlying meaning,so your correspondence is MORE than enough!
About your visit?Just call to make sure,but I think you need 2 pieces of I.D.(one has to have your photo)such as your driver's licence,work I.D.,etc..You could visit any day of the week and you put the visiting hours down as 9am-3pm.The best days are Monday thru Friday for on the weekends it is more crowded.Whatever works for you.
NO,the parole board will not know about the hunger strike and if they did?I wouldn't have done it.I do keep ALL good reports I get so they could see them and they do know all the programs I participated in during my sentence.As I said,I only have one minor form of misbehavior in the last 3 years(for over sleeping during the facility count)so things are looking good.I told Mr.Thieben there is a good chance him & I will be having a cup of coffee together in 2014!
Guess what?I just saw the previews for the NOVA episode for Wednesday(the 17th).I will definitely be watching it!
You also might want to give yourself some time to travel here.I mean,if you were to leave your house at 9am you might get here with only 20 minutes to visit.I am not far from Syracuse,so leave yourself some time to get here.
I want to point out to you again,YOU do more than enough for me and it isn't LITTLE things as you point out!What you do is instill HOPE within my heart and that is priceless & immeasurable.Truly that is something I am unable to put in words no matter how well I can write.
I'm going to send Mr.Thieben a copy of the poem for him to hang in his office.I'll tell him I wrote it with Lise in mind and the copy you sent first will go on my wall with your pictures.It reminds me of FOOTPRINTS!Do you know that saying?Jesus is walking on the beach with someone and when the guy wakes up he notices one set of footprints and when he asks Jesus about them,Jesus told him he carried him when he grew weak.It has a lot of meaning and I do believe it's called FOOTPRINTS.
On my part there is no rush on the case study.I'm sure it will get done when you're ready to do so.I do try to write whatever I'm thinking and/or feeling so it will help you as well when you do sit down to write the study.
The other day an inmate was complaining about how these cells are so closed in and the closed in feelings he feels?When I told him how much I like it,he thought I was crazy!It is not about being antisocial for I just like the solitude and silence!It is so nice not having to hear the same old rhetoric.It really does surprise me that you think I need more than just our correspondence?I am a man that has corresponded with Mr.Thieben for 29 years,with David & Linda for 24 years,and Father Frank for decades.Each one of them have instilled a piece of HOPE within my life giving me reason to want to meet the many tomorrows I have met.Believe me,your correspondence means a lot to me and I want you to know this.
I will put an end to this missive and until the next time,take very good care of yourself.
James
October 11,2012
Dear Nelly,
Early this morning an officer came to my cell and dropped off a color T.V.(8" flat screen)and told me this is from the Superintendent!They only do things like this when one is right!I knew I was right and it was just a matter of whether or not I'd be treated fairly.
Heres the thing!In my letters to the proper persons in Albany I made underlying threats that it would be no problem for me to repeat my actions from Clinton!!I wouldn't have,but I know you won't tell them(smile).I am just glad that they replaced my T.V. and NO that isn't why this letter is so short!I just know I've given you plenty to read in the last month or so.
I just wanted to let you know this so I will be watching NOVA next week.Until next time,take care.
James
Early this morning an officer came to my cell and dropped off a color T.V.(8" flat screen)and told me this is from the Superintendent!They only do things like this when one is right!I knew I was right and it was just a matter of whether or not I'd be treated fairly.
Heres the thing!In my letters to the proper persons in Albany I made underlying threats that it would be no problem for me to repeat my actions from Clinton!!I wouldn't have,but I know you won't tell them(smile).I am just glad that they replaced my T.V. and NO that isn't why this letter is so short!I just know I've given you plenty to read in the last month or so.
I just wanted to let you know this so I will be watching NOVA next week.Until next time,take care.
James
Friday, January 11, 2019
October 10,2012
Dear Nelly,
I use to think that whenever a conflict arose here in prison I should meet it with the most violence I could put forth.That usually was stabbing the other inmate.Most of it wasn't the disrespect I felt,it was an example for others to know I wasn't a push over.You want that reputation that you won't allow yourself to be abused.I soon realized that it would never stop if one met EVERY conflict with violence.
For instance,my prison number is 84-B-1480!That means I entered the state prison system in 1984 and the B is Elmira Corr. Fac. reception center(A is for Downstate reception center which was for inmates over 21 back then.Ages aren't separated any longer).I was the 1,480th inmate to enter Elmira in 1984!Today most prison numbers are from the 2000s.You know01-B or 02,03 or even 12-B-1980,etc..So all of the inmates today didn't even know I stabbed people in the 80s for these guys weren't even born!Isn't that crazy?You do not see too many inmates with numbers as old as mine.I do not know where the inmates are who also had 15,20, or 25 to life back then.
Sure,a lot are probably dead,in medium security prisons,or they were released.A lot of my respect(today)comes from just the amount of time I have in prison.I guess the amount of years is something most can't phantom.Do you know how long that is?Think of where you were in life 29 years ago?I'm unable to think like that for 29 years ago I was in prison and today I'm in prison!Nothing has really changed,but the dates.I have done some(most of)of the same things 29 years ago that I still do today.The faces,color of the faces are close to being the same.The savagery and all the games people play are the same.Though I know it is not,I still think of society as I left it 29 years ago!How could I expect to know change if I didn't see it.If I left Sarah(a made up name)in 1983 and never saw her in 29 years my brain isn't able to see her so I think of her from the last time I saw her.I know it isn't really like that,but it's the only way I see it.
That is why it is so crazy for me to think I could pick up a pen and write these people as if they are still in the same place as they were 29 years ago.Same place in life and in reality most of them have probably been married for the past 25 years with kids already out of the house.I'm still stuck in 1983!It's crazy and scary to think I may be lost once I step out of prison.I mean,I'll have to tell most people where I've been in the last 30 something years.That is part of relations as you get to know people.Once that is said,than a paranoia sets in where you wonder what they NOW think of you?That is down the road,but I must think of today and tomorrow when it gets here.
This prison is in what is called the Finger Lakes Region and every day the sea gulls wait knowing when the recreation pens will open and they will be fed.All you hear are their chirps(or whatever you call their noise)as the meaner & bolder ones dominate for the pieces of bread thrown out to them.
I'm sure I've given you enough reading to keep you going for a while?It seems as though when I seal a letter I think of something else to say and I begin a new one.I'm grateful that this year seems to be moving along quickly and will be over shortly.Hopefully 2013 will go just as quick!The way I figure it is that I'm only able to give years now for I've all the programs they asked me to do.As I put more & more years under my belt I'd have to figure I'm getting closer to release.Atleast I hope it is this way.
You didn't tell me if you read?I think I'll get this answer from you,"I really don't have time to read with work and all.I take pictures which I love to do!"That is what I think,but taking pictures isn't enough getting away from work even if work is doing something you love.
I have never read in society so I'm only speaking on what I believe would be TRUE!What I know to be true is that reading passes time and it doesn't take a rocket scientist or any other type of scientist to realize how important it is to a prisoner to pass time!I also know reading has broadened my imagination,articulation,conversation,and so much more.What I believe to be true once I'm released?
I think I'll still read for it is so easy to get lost within the pages of a good novel!What I learned about life is that it isn't only the "imprisoned" who look to get lost in something and once the novelty of freedom wears off?I'll want to be lost in something and reading is so creative!OR I should say productive for IDLE time for me is boredom with nothing to do and usually when I'm bored I act on impulse to change boredom as quick as possible-impulsive acts are not always productive and/or positive.
Mr.Thieben ALWAYS reads,but it's usually only nonfiction on historical figures which makes sense since he taught History.He reads about 5 books a week.A lot of times when I ask him to pick me up a book he'll go to his bookstore and asks,"The girls"(as he says)to track the book(s) down and lo & behold!Mr.Thieben will read it that day and then send it to me.Maybe it's to investigate my taste(s) or just something to give him a reason to change his routine.
I use to read NOTHING except true crimes,but it started getting depressing to read about so much evil.The last true crime I read was called BULLY which is about 5 kids who killed another kid they hung around with.I read it after seeing the movie.Sometimes I'll see something and realize what a waste!It is such a waste that I mwant to read more to see where & why it went wrong for their lives to become such a waste(as my own is thus far).I realize the answers are usually the same?
Most of us do things impulsively and we don't think of consequences-not just consequences of punishment,but when violence is involved,the consequences of a victim and the hurtor death caused.Sometimes people aren't affected by the victim's hurt/death.At times,it is justified-when it's your inititive such as a soldier-but when it's not and you do not feel anything?Anyone I ever WANTED to hurt INTENTIONALLY-?Well,they were guilty of something which usually brought hurt to me!If that is or was the case I have no feelings/concerns in regards to their hurt and I'll never feel remorse for such.Thats just it,most in prison who have hurt others during their crime(s) didn't mean to cause the hurt which is why we can feel remorse.If this isn't the case?Then you more than likely belong in prison for you're more than likely an evil son of a bitch!
Well,I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
I use to think that whenever a conflict arose here in prison I should meet it with the most violence I could put forth.That usually was stabbing the other inmate.Most of it wasn't the disrespect I felt,it was an example for others to know I wasn't a push over.You want that reputation that you won't allow yourself to be abused.I soon realized that it would never stop if one met EVERY conflict with violence.
For instance,my prison number is 84-B-1480!That means I entered the state prison system in 1984 and the B is Elmira Corr. Fac. reception center(A is for Downstate reception center which was for inmates over 21 back then.Ages aren't separated any longer).I was the 1,480th inmate to enter Elmira in 1984!Today most prison numbers are from the 2000s.You know01-B or 02,03 or even 12-B-1980,etc..So all of the inmates today didn't even know I stabbed people in the 80s for these guys weren't even born!Isn't that crazy?You do not see too many inmates with numbers as old as mine.I do not know where the inmates are who also had 15,20, or 25 to life back then.
Sure,a lot are probably dead,in medium security prisons,or they were released.A lot of my respect(today)comes from just the amount of time I have in prison.I guess the amount of years is something most can't phantom.Do you know how long that is?Think of where you were in life 29 years ago?I'm unable to think like that for 29 years ago I was in prison and today I'm in prison!Nothing has really changed,but the dates.I have done some(most of)of the same things 29 years ago that I still do today.The faces,color of the faces are close to being the same.The savagery and all the games people play are the same.Though I know it is not,I still think of society as I left it 29 years ago!How could I expect to know change if I didn't see it.If I left Sarah(a made up name)in 1983 and never saw her in 29 years my brain isn't able to see her so I think of her from the last time I saw her.I know it isn't really like that,but it's the only way I see it.
That is why it is so crazy for me to think I could pick up a pen and write these people as if they are still in the same place as they were 29 years ago.Same place in life and in reality most of them have probably been married for the past 25 years with kids already out of the house.I'm still stuck in 1983!It's crazy and scary to think I may be lost once I step out of prison.I mean,I'll have to tell most people where I've been in the last 30 something years.That is part of relations as you get to know people.Once that is said,than a paranoia sets in where you wonder what they NOW think of you?That is down the road,but I must think of today and tomorrow when it gets here.
This prison is in what is called the Finger Lakes Region and every day the sea gulls wait knowing when the recreation pens will open and they will be fed.All you hear are their chirps(or whatever you call their noise)as the meaner & bolder ones dominate for the pieces of bread thrown out to them.
I'm sure I've given you enough reading to keep you going for a while?It seems as though when I seal a letter I think of something else to say and I begin a new one.I'm grateful that this year seems to be moving along quickly and will be over shortly.Hopefully 2013 will go just as quick!The way I figure it is that I'm only able to give years now for I've all the programs they asked me to do.As I put more & more years under my belt I'd have to figure I'm getting closer to release.Atleast I hope it is this way.
You didn't tell me if you read?I think I'll get this answer from you,"I really don't have time to read with work and all.I take pictures which I love to do!"That is what I think,but taking pictures isn't enough getting away from work even if work is doing something you love.
I have never read in society so I'm only speaking on what I believe would be TRUE!What I know to be true is that reading passes time and it doesn't take a rocket scientist or any other type of scientist to realize how important it is to a prisoner to pass time!I also know reading has broadened my imagination,articulation,conversation,and so much more.What I believe to be true once I'm released?
I think I'll still read for it is so easy to get lost within the pages of a good novel!What I learned about life is that it isn't only the "imprisoned" who look to get lost in something and once the novelty of freedom wears off?I'll want to be lost in something and reading is so creative!OR I should say productive for IDLE time for me is boredom with nothing to do and usually when I'm bored I act on impulse to change boredom as quick as possible-impulsive acts are not always productive and/or positive.
Mr.Thieben ALWAYS reads,but it's usually only nonfiction on historical figures which makes sense since he taught History.He reads about 5 books a week.A lot of times when I ask him to pick me up a book he'll go to his bookstore and asks,"The girls"(as he says)to track the book(s) down and lo & behold!Mr.Thieben will read it that day and then send it to me.Maybe it's to investigate my taste(s) or just something to give him a reason to change his routine.
I use to read NOTHING except true crimes,but it started getting depressing to read about so much evil.The last true crime I read was called BULLY which is about 5 kids who killed another kid they hung around with.I read it after seeing the movie.Sometimes I'll see something and realize what a waste!It is such a waste that I mwant to read more to see where & why it went wrong for their lives to become such a waste(as my own is thus far).I realize the answers are usually the same?
Most of us do things impulsively and we don't think of consequences-not just consequences of punishment,but when violence is involved,the consequences of a victim and the hurtor death caused.Sometimes people aren't affected by the victim's hurt/death.At times,it is justified-when it's your inititive such as a soldier-but when it's not and you do not feel anything?Anyone I ever WANTED to hurt INTENTIONALLY-?Well,they were guilty of something which usually brought hurt to me!If that is or was the case I have no feelings/concerns in regards to their hurt and I'll never feel remorse for such.Thats just it,most in prison who have hurt others during their crime(s) didn't mean to cause the hurt which is why we can feel remorse.If this isn't the case?Then you more than likely belong in prison for you're more than likely an evil son of a bitch!
Well,I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
October 8,2012
Dear Nelly,
I think from the moment I walked through the doors in prison my nickname has been "STRETCH".It has never changed in 29 years and some believe it is my real name.The reason I'm saying this is because the block I'm in houses guys(in the cells below)from a drug program called Willard Corr. Fac..If they complete the program they only have to do 6 months in prison.It is ran like boot camp so there are a lot of failures serving their whole sentence for many are not able to follow rules even if it's only for 6 months.
Most of these guys don't have a pot to piss in and all day they call STRETCH because they scraped up a stamp here and a stamp there.I sell them 2 handrolled cigarettes for 1 stamp.I order 2 bags of "cheap" tobacco from a place I've dealt with for years.I get each bag(usually 2 per month)for $4.92 per bag($6.35 shipping)and it comes out to $16.19 total.I get 2-3 hundred stamps per bag(yes 600 stamps-$270.00)for something that only cost me $16.19!!It isn't always stamps,but I will NEVER turn down stamps for I always use them.When Lise was alive I'd send her 1-2 hundred per month so she wouldn't have to buy stamps.
You'd be surprised how crazy the cigarette habit is!I have seen guys sell their wedding bands for a pouch of tobacco that costs $3.20!Yes,three dollars and twenty cents.
I spoke to David & Linda last night and they would really like you to call.
When I first started this sentence I looked at every conflict as a major event and I used every conflict as my way to set an example to follow me throughout my imprisonment!At times,I did not have a piece of metal to make a knife so I used writing pens,pencils,or anything else that I knew would pierce skin.It wasn't ONLY myself that thought this way for jail or prison is known as a violent environment.If you're afraid to fight you certainly have come to the wrong place.
The biggest & best reality T.V. show would be cameras in a prison 24/7 and the producer would be a rich genius!
Though violators of the law are prosecuted,it does not happen every time.
In Clinton Corr. Fac. most stabbings are not prosecuted,yet in Elmira Corr. Fac. every stabbing is prosecuted!In Attica Corr. Fac. I've seen an inmate get 21/3-7 years for murdering another inmate and in Auburn Corr. Fac. I saw a guy with the same type of murder by knife get 25 years to life!Than in Auburn I saw Donald Nash(he killed 3 C.B.S. employees in the early 80s)get 10 years for cutting a guy's head off!Yes,he cut it off because the kid use to harass him.Mr.Nash was in his 60s and the kid was 20-something.In Attica I remember the C.O.s loved to whistle Beatle songs to harass Mark David Chapman.He is the meekest,gentlest looking inmate I think I ever saw he should be grateful every day that he is housed in solitary confinement for his entire sentence.Other inmates would love to make a name for themselves by killing him.A guy with noyhing to lose would certainly become infamous by taking Chapman's life.Now in the 80s-early 90s inmates would kill someone and get a year or two years in solitary confinement.Today you get approximately 10 years in solitary confinement and once your 10 years is up you stay in that cell and now your status is called Administrative Segregation.In other words,technically you're no longer in solitary confinement for discipline reasons,but what does it really matter what title the status is for you're in the same place with no privileges just as the guy next to you who has 10 years solitary confinement.It is a bad way to have to serve a sentence for your could have an inmate in population serving 10 life sentences and he is afforded all privileges where he could get married,conjugal visits,etc. as opposed to an inmate serving 20 years,but he is in solitary confinement under Administrative Segregation and he gets nothing!!This Administrative Segregation became big when Governor George Pataki took office.
When I began my sentence there were about 3 inmates in Administrative Administration in all maximum security prisons,today it has continued after Pataki left office and there are about 30 inmates under that status.In other words,25 years ago you had to be a heavy hitter(very dangerous)as opposed to today where they will put you there at the drop of a hat.In 2006,they tried to do it to me,but it was the first time I refused to eat and after 3 weeks they decided against it!No way would I EVER accept that status unless it was for disciplinary reasons.Today they put guys in it that are JUST suspected of being threats.
The feeding tube was removed from my stmach about 10 minutes ago.No nice way to put it except to say it was literally pulled out.On the end of the tube was a flexible piece of rubber.For a quick second it hurt and felt uncomfortable at the same time!I don't know which one was worse,but I'm fine with a bandage over it.I asked the nurse how come on other parts of the body you need a stitch or two for wounds smaller than this hole,but on the stomach it closes on it's own rather quickly.I'll quote a Phil Collins song,"There was no reply at all."Really,she didn't know!!
From August of '81,when I was thrown out of my house at 16,I lived in Rocky Point above the bar AVENUES which was right there on Prince road across from the big parking lot for HARRY'S bar.I lived upstairs from the bar,then I went and lived with a friend in his basement for about 2 months.I then went to a group home in Stony Brook called Seabury Barn.I was thrown out for trying to hit someone with a baseball bat.Quickly thinking,in no particular order I lived in Medford,Mount Sinai,Port Jefferson,Sound Beach,Sagamore Children's Center(Melville)Kings Park Psychiactric HospitalNorthport,West Virginia,Georgia.If I haven't forgotten any place,that is about it in 27 months.Plus I was in the Suffolk County Jail for 6 2/3 months.I lived in Sound Beach 3 different times and Rocky Point about 5 different times in basements,woods,backseats of cars,on idle trains in Port Jefferson,etc..I probably forgot a place or two-oh yeah,an abandon house in Rocky Point as well.I also stayed in this place for a night,that place,or anywhere else I layed my head as well as Hope House and a run down welfare hotel in East Patchogue.
I remember stealing a car and taking it to Maine because I thought my brother was on an Army base there.When I called my mother and told her my brother wasn't there on that base,she told me the cops are looking for me all over Long Island for stealing the car.She told me to get back to Long Island,lay low,and to call her once I did return.
I drove that car into a wooded area,got out and put my thumb out(hitch hiking).I was picked up right away by a young couple in their mid 20s with two little girls in the backseat with me.During that ride the couple offered for me to come home and live with them!If I didn't have such a homesickness for Rocky Point,who knows what would had become of me if I went with that couple.
Another time I was hitch hiking on 112 going to the Social Services and a black guy driving a tractor trailer picked me up.When he asked me where I was going?I told him where ever he was going.During the ride he offered me to live with his wife and 9 kids.I second guessed myself and returned home again(Rocky Point).I think of these things and wonder what could have been?I could easily make stories up behind them all that would be very interesting,but I'd really wish I took a few of those people up on their offers.You don't know how many nights I slept on the trains in Port Jefferson or in Penn Station in Manhattan.Many times in motel rooms and in the Yaphank motel across from the lake.I stayed there for about 5 weeks in the summer of '82.I met so many people for a few weeks at a time and than I'd disappear in the night with my suitcase because I was drawn back to Rocky Point for that is where my family lived and the town I knew.I picked to live on the streets over comfortable beds.A lot of times I'd sleep in my parent's basement(my stepfather didn't know)or on the boat parked in my yard.
In December of '81, my friend Conrad ran away from home andwas trying to talk me into hitch hiking to Florida with him.I couldn't leave Rocky Point and refused to go.I never saw him again and he was my best friend growing up.I met him in a summer camp and then later when he moved to Rocky Point with his father.I'm sure everybody in Rocky Point knows I was arrested for murder and has no idea what became of me.
In '97 while on a transfer I ran into a kid and his uncle was the one who owned Rocky Point taxi that was on Broadway.They were the green and white taxis and I think they're Keri's taxi(after his daughter who I think owns them now)?Are they still out there?
Anyway,this kid(Joe Marciano)told me everybody in Rocky point thinks I murdered "Calvin" who is/was a black homeless guy who always traveled around on a 10 speed bike with a bottle of vodka.It's crazy to be thought of in that way,but I certainly didn't kill ANYONE except who I'm in prison for now.Tell me that isn't some crazy camp fire folk lore?I guess Calvin left the area and someone generated a crazy rumor,but I assured Joe in '97(he was serving 2 years for dealing cocaine)that I had NO idea what the hell people thought,but I did not kill Calvin.That was 14 years into my sentence and 15 years ago and Joe said to me,"I can't believe you still look exactly the same!"Well that was a few strands of gray hair ago and I definitely didn't wear glasses back than.
In my life whenever something was/is going good it scared/s me for I expect it to soon be followed by doom.I still expect that bfor good doesn't usually stay in my life.
I've no idea what it will be like living with someone upon my release.Everything I've owned in the past 29 years has been within arms reach of my 6 x 9 cell.This cell is bigger,but usually I didn't have to get off my bunk to reach anything.
I'm not institutionalized(I don't think)for if I was released tomorrow and died an hour later,I would be happy I didn't die in prison.I HATE my life!!There is no other way to put it and I just don't know why James William Morgan has had such a difficult life whichis why I don't believe in GOD having a plan for all of us.I didn't do anything major for me to grow up as I have.I speak even before my imprisonment when I was imprisoned in my room;possibly preparing me for a prison(that is ironic).Truly my life has been lived in a room or a prison cell for more then 80% of it!That is crazy,but so true.
Well,I think I have given you enough reading material for a while.I will be back at it again once I sit and get lost in a thought I'd like to share with you.Until next time,take good care.
James
I think from the moment I walked through the doors in prison my nickname has been "STRETCH".It has never changed in 29 years and some believe it is my real name.The reason I'm saying this is because the block I'm in houses guys(in the cells below)from a drug program called Willard Corr. Fac..If they complete the program they only have to do 6 months in prison.It is ran like boot camp so there are a lot of failures serving their whole sentence for many are not able to follow rules even if it's only for 6 months.
Most of these guys don't have a pot to piss in and all day they call STRETCH because they scraped up a stamp here and a stamp there.I sell them 2 handrolled cigarettes for 1 stamp.I order 2 bags of "cheap" tobacco from a place I've dealt with for years.I get each bag(usually 2 per month)for $4.92 per bag($6.35 shipping)and it comes out to $16.19 total.I get 2-3 hundred stamps per bag(yes 600 stamps-$270.00)for something that only cost me $16.19!!It isn't always stamps,but I will NEVER turn down stamps for I always use them.When Lise was alive I'd send her 1-2 hundred per month so she wouldn't have to buy stamps.
You'd be surprised how crazy the cigarette habit is!I have seen guys sell their wedding bands for a pouch of tobacco that costs $3.20!Yes,three dollars and twenty cents.
I spoke to David & Linda last night and they would really like you to call.
When I first started this sentence I looked at every conflict as a major event and I used every conflict as my way to set an example to follow me throughout my imprisonment!At times,I did not have a piece of metal to make a knife so I used writing pens,pencils,or anything else that I knew would pierce skin.It wasn't ONLY myself that thought this way for jail or prison is known as a violent environment.If you're afraid to fight you certainly have come to the wrong place.
The biggest & best reality T.V. show would be cameras in a prison 24/7 and the producer would be a rich genius!
Though violators of the law are prosecuted,it does not happen every time.
In Clinton Corr. Fac. most stabbings are not prosecuted,yet in Elmira Corr. Fac. every stabbing is prosecuted!In Attica Corr. Fac. I've seen an inmate get 21/3-7 years for murdering another inmate and in Auburn Corr. Fac. I saw a guy with the same type of murder by knife get 25 years to life!Than in Auburn I saw Donald Nash(he killed 3 C.B.S. employees in the early 80s)get 10 years for cutting a guy's head off!Yes,he cut it off because the kid use to harass him.Mr.Nash was in his 60s and the kid was 20-something.In Attica I remember the C.O.s loved to whistle Beatle songs to harass Mark David Chapman.He is the meekest,gentlest looking inmate I think I ever saw he should be grateful every day that he is housed in solitary confinement for his entire sentence.Other inmates would love to make a name for themselves by killing him.A guy with noyhing to lose would certainly become infamous by taking Chapman's life.Now in the 80s-early 90s inmates would kill someone and get a year or two years in solitary confinement.Today you get approximately 10 years in solitary confinement and once your 10 years is up you stay in that cell and now your status is called Administrative Segregation.In other words,technically you're no longer in solitary confinement for discipline reasons,but what does it really matter what title the status is for you're in the same place with no privileges just as the guy next to you who has 10 years solitary confinement.It is a bad way to have to serve a sentence for your could have an inmate in population serving 10 life sentences and he is afforded all privileges where he could get married,conjugal visits,etc. as opposed to an inmate serving 20 years,but he is in solitary confinement under Administrative Segregation and he gets nothing!!This Administrative Segregation became big when Governor George Pataki took office.
When I began my sentence there were about 3 inmates in Administrative Administration in all maximum security prisons,today it has continued after Pataki left office and there are about 30 inmates under that status.In other words,25 years ago you had to be a heavy hitter(very dangerous)as opposed to today where they will put you there at the drop of a hat.In 2006,they tried to do it to me,but it was the first time I refused to eat and after 3 weeks they decided against it!No way would I EVER accept that status unless it was for disciplinary reasons.Today they put guys in it that are JUST suspected of being threats.
The feeding tube was removed from my stmach about 10 minutes ago.No nice way to put it except to say it was literally pulled out.On the end of the tube was a flexible piece of rubber.For a quick second it hurt and felt uncomfortable at the same time!I don't know which one was worse,but I'm fine with a bandage over it.I asked the nurse how come on other parts of the body you need a stitch or two for wounds smaller than this hole,but on the stomach it closes on it's own rather quickly.I'll quote a Phil Collins song,"There was no reply at all."Really,she didn't know!!
From August of '81,when I was thrown out of my house at 16,I lived in Rocky Point above the bar AVENUES which was right there on Prince road across from the big parking lot for HARRY'S bar.I lived upstairs from the bar,then I went and lived with a friend in his basement for about 2 months.I then went to a group home in Stony Brook called Seabury Barn.I was thrown out for trying to hit someone with a baseball bat.Quickly thinking,in no particular order I lived in Medford,Mount Sinai,Port Jefferson,Sound Beach,Sagamore Children's Center(Melville)Kings Park Psychiactric HospitalNorthport,West Virginia,Georgia.If I haven't forgotten any place,that is about it in 27 months.Plus I was in the Suffolk County Jail for 6 2/3 months.I lived in Sound Beach 3 different times and Rocky Point about 5 different times in basements,woods,backseats of cars,on idle trains in Port Jefferson,etc..I probably forgot a place or two-oh yeah,an abandon house in Rocky Point as well.I also stayed in this place for a night,that place,or anywhere else I layed my head as well as Hope House and a run down welfare hotel in East Patchogue.
I remember stealing a car and taking it to Maine because I thought my brother was on an Army base there.When I called my mother and told her my brother wasn't there on that base,she told me the cops are looking for me all over Long Island for stealing the car.She told me to get back to Long Island,lay low,and to call her once I did return.
I drove that car into a wooded area,got out and put my thumb out(hitch hiking).I was picked up right away by a young couple in their mid 20s with two little girls in the backseat with me.During that ride the couple offered for me to come home and live with them!If I didn't have such a homesickness for Rocky Point,who knows what would had become of me if I went with that couple.
Another time I was hitch hiking on 112 going to the Social Services and a black guy driving a tractor trailer picked me up.When he asked me where I was going?I told him where ever he was going.During the ride he offered me to live with his wife and 9 kids.I second guessed myself and returned home again(Rocky Point).I think of these things and wonder what could have been?I could easily make stories up behind them all that would be very interesting,but I'd really wish I took a few of those people up on their offers.You don't know how many nights I slept on the trains in Port Jefferson or in Penn Station in Manhattan.Many times in motel rooms and in the Yaphank motel across from the lake.I stayed there for about 5 weeks in the summer of '82.I met so many people for a few weeks at a time and than I'd disappear in the night with my suitcase because I was drawn back to Rocky Point for that is where my family lived and the town I knew.I picked to live on the streets over comfortable beds.A lot of times I'd sleep in my parent's basement(my stepfather didn't know)or on the boat parked in my yard.
In December of '81, my friend Conrad ran away from home andwas trying to talk me into hitch hiking to Florida with him.I couldn't leave Rocky Point and refused to go.I never saw him again and he was my best friend growing up.I met him in a summer camp and then later when he moved to Rocky Point with his father.I'm sure everybody in Rocky Point knows I was arrested for murder and has no idea what became of me.
In '97 while on a transfer I ran into a kid and his uncle was the one who owned Rocky Point taxi that was on Broadway.They were the green and white taxis and I think they're Keri's taxi(after his daughter who I think owns them now)?Are they still out there?
Anyway,this kid(Joe Marciano)told me everybody in Rocky point thinks I murdered "Calvin" who is/was a black homeless guy who always traveled around on a 10 speed bike with a bottle of vodka.It's crazy to be thought of in that way,but I certainly didn't kill ANYONE except who I'm in prison for now.Tell me that isn't some crazy camp fire folk lore?I guess Calvin left the area and someone generated a crazy rumor,but I assured Joe in '97(he was serving 2 years for dealing cocaine)that I had NO idea what the hell people thought,but I did not kill Calvin.That was 14 years into my sentence and 15 years ago and Joe said to me,"I can't believe you still look exactly the same!"Well that was a few strands of gray hair ago and I definitely didn't wear glasses back than.
In my life whenever something was/is going good it scared/s me for I expect it to soon be followed by doom.I still expect that bfor good doesn't usually stay in my life.
I've no idea what it will be like living with someone upon my release.Everything I've owned in the past 29 years has been within arms reach of my 6 x 9 cell.This cell is bigger,but usually I didn't have to get off my bunk to reach anything.
I'm not institutionalized(I don't think)for if I was released tomorrow and died an hour later,I would be happy I didn't die in prison.I HATE my life!!There is no other way to put it and I just don't know why James William Morgan has had such a difficult life whichis why I don't believe in GOD having a plan for all of us.I didn't do anything major for me to grow up as I have.I speak even before my imprisonment when I was imprisoned in my room;possibly preparing me for a prison(that is ironic).Truly my life has been lived in a room or a prison cell for more then 80% of it!That is crazy,but so true.
Well,I think I have given you enough reading material for a while.I will be back at it again once I sit and get lost in a thought I'd like to share with you.Until next time,take good care.
James
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
October 2,2012
Dear Nelly,
I don't know if I hate myself or hate the fact that I let everything around me crumble.There is so much I wish I could go back and change-just let me stop time to realign just moments to change how things have become.My crime is obvious,but maybe I could have been a better son to my stepfather!What if I did do good in school?Would our relationship have turned out different?
We're given the gift of life and along with it we build relations that we know will come to an end.Given life to endure pain.Every day we come closer & closer to our lives ending.It's truly crazy and I know most don't do so,but I wonder if it is really worth the gift of life?
When I talk about death I don't want you to believe I'm on the verge of anything,but why do most people commit suicide?I know I'd want to eliminate all the pain that fills my thoughts daily.I would just love to be able to end it.
The things I sit here and write to you are not just thoughts that all of a sudden flooded my mind.When I awaken in the morning my thoughts begin!As I brush my teeth I'm thinking and as I do everything that I do.I can't escvape all the hurt and it seems like the only solution is death.I'm not afraid to die,I'm afraid of the pain that may come before death.Thats crazy for you'd think what is a few moments/minutes of pain if I know death will follow?If I had the right amount of pills such as "Valium" I definitely wouldn't be here and I'd have no second thoughts at all!
It isn't that I'm sad(over some things I am)it's just the hurt and the blockage that imprisonment imposes.Probably everything that brings me pain in life could be fixed,worked out,and answered if I wasn't in prison.I some times wonder what will come first,my freedom or my 60th birthday.Now,that is some thing I NEVER would have imagined 20 years ago or even in 2000(my first parole board).
Some say suicide is a selfish act for you don't care for those you're leaving behind,but I feel guilty to even think such of Lise for I know she loved her children.
I know no one could ever understand what one thinks sitting in a 6 x 9 cell each and every day while those days turn into years and then decades?I will certainly share it ALL with you Nelly and if you're interested?I will keep writing as long as my mind is sharp enough to put words upon paper.Sure,this letter is shorter than usual,but I can promise you that I will still be breathing tomorrow which means another letter will be started and it will probably be 20 or 30 pages long!Until then,take good care.
James
I don't know if I hate myself or hate the fact that I let everything around me crumble.There is so much I wish I could go back and change-just let me stop time to realign just moments to change how things have become.My crime is obvious,but maybe I could have been a better son to my stepfather!What if I did do good in school?Would our relationship have turned out different?
We're given the gift of life and along with it we build relations that we know will come to an end.Given life to endure pain.Every day we come closer & closer to our lives ending.It's truly crazy and I know most don't do so,but I wonder if it is really worth the gift of life?
When I talk about death I don't want you to believe I'm on the verge of anything,but why do most people commit suicide?I know I'd want to eliminate all the pain that fills my thoughts daily.I would just love to be able to end it.
The things I sit here and write to you are not just thoughts that all of a sudden flooded my mind.When I awaken in the morning my thoughts begin!As I brush my teeth I'm thinking and as I do everything that I do.I can't escvape all the hurt and it seems like the only solution is death.I'm not afraid to die,I'm afraid of the pain that may come before death.Thats crazy for you'd think what is a few moments/minutes of pain if I know death will follow?If I had the right amount of pills such as "Valium" I definitely wouldn't be here and I'd have no second thoughts at all!
It isn't that I'm sad(over some things I am)it's just the hurt and the blockage that imprisonment imposes.Probably everything that brings me pain in life could be fixed,worked out,and answered if I wasn't in prison.I some times wonder what will come first,my freedom or my 60th birthday.Now,that is some thing I NEVER would have imagined 20 years ago or even in 2000(my first parole board).
Some say suicide is a selfish act for you don't care for those you're leaving behind,but I feel guilty to even think such of Lise for I know she loved her children.
I know no one could ever understand what one thinks sitting in a 6 x 9 cell each and every day while those days turn into years and then decades?I will certainly share it ALL with you Nelly and if you're interested?I will keep writing as long as my mind is sharp enough to put words upon paper.Sure,this letter is shorter than usual,but I can promise you that I will still be breathing tomorrow which means another letter will be started and it will probably be 20 or 30 pages long!Until then,take good care.
James
October 2,2012
Dear Nelly,
The writing pens from commissary suck!They may only be 8 cents,but I'd rather pay more for one to last longer.
I think it is human nature to want to leave your niche on life before you exit it.I would think that is what most would want?
I told you that Clinton Corr. Fac.is the third oldest in the state(circa 1845).That is 167 years worth of criminals and I use to sit in my cell and wonder who came before me and I'd lay in bed wondering about them!Were they first time offenders,did they die in prison,etc.?I know the mobster Lucky Luciano paid for the wood that was used to build the pews in the church.This is documented history and whether good or bad,50,75,100,or more years from now someone will read about a man named Lucky Luciano because for whatever reason his niche was documented for all to read.
I believe most of us have something interesting about ourselves to say that others would want to hear.I'm always thinking this when I write.I would think that most of what I write is thrown in the trash as my letters to Lise were.Sometimes I will write so fast a word will be left out and I mention this so you don't think I'm an imbecile!
The letters I write to Mr.Thieben have already been used and read by others.I met Lise because of my writing and a journal of mine that was passed along to you.I have no idea what will happen to the file cabinets of letters Mr.Thieben has of mine?I could "exaggerate" and make up stories behind them where I could see them changing hands and meaning something long after I'm gone.Maybe the case study you do will be the same.
I would have rather made my niche in life in a different way/fashion,but we all must serve a role/purpose.
I'm not sure what journal Mr.Thieben gave you,but I know I sent him one that I began in the late 80s-early 90s that is about the size of a hard cover novel with a ribbon bookmark(is this the one he gave you)?If it is,David & Linda sent me that in the late 80s and I was in Attica Corr. Fac. and I'm not sure where I was when it ended.I think a lot of what I wrote Mr.Thieben in the 80s,90s, and some of the 2000s is written in the same form that I write you;10,15,or 20 page letters that are my catharsis!I'm thrilled that my writings(especially that journal)has touched so many hands and a TRUE love had developed behind them at one time in history.I'd love to think someone would read what I wrote long after I'm dead.I know it is a farfetched thought and scenario,but who knows?I just want what I write to carry on and mean something to someone.I could only imagine the things I've read that occupied my time and in prison THAT is the most important thing to do,occupy time so it doesn't drive you insane!
I'm forever in search of meeting others as I have met you.I don't know if I would had been like this in society,but as a kid I was.I could walk past a house and if there was someone outside of it,I'd make my way to them and strike up a conversation.I do not believe love has left my heart with Lise's death,it has only showed me how beautiful TRUE love is for Lise is the only woman I know I truly loved!I am always on the hunt in meeting others for it means so much to me to carry on relationships with those beyond these walls.
You see Nelly,not to sound conceited,but I know I'm a good person and I could contribute a lot to another's life!It could be a purely friendly relationship with a man or woman and I will always search for such.A TRUE friendship is a blessing as well and Mr.Thieben,David & Linda, and Father Frank have proved such.I do not know what it is that I contribute to each of them,but when you write someone for over 20 years as I've done with all 4 of them it must mean something to all of them.I'd never want anyone to feel obligated,sorry,sympathy,or pity for me and that is whynthey write.I would accept it if I knew of such!I must search for people for I'm truly AFRAID to be alone.I do believe that it is more difficult for me because I'm a convicted murderer or felon for that matter.Do you know that some people go throughout life without one TRUE friend?I do not mean someone you just call a friend.
How many people did you call your friend in school and how many of them are you in contact with today?I do not know of one person(besides Mr.Thieben & Father Frank)that I've been in contact with from society.
The most famous criminals I've met during this sentence are probably David Berkowitz(Son of Sam) Ronnie Defeo(Amityville Horror) James Burke(the movie GOODFELLERS was based on his life) Joel Rifkin(the one who killed 9 prostitutes on Long Island in the 90s).I did not admire any of them and don't know if I EVER admired any prisoner.Most of them know I am an arrogant,miserable,antisocial bastard!It isn't that I want them to view me as such,but I truly have no use for anyone behind these walls.I hate everything about this environment and though they're not responsible for my plights-it has been a time in my life that I've been chewed up and spit out many times.
Oh god Nelly,you don't know how much I wish there is a Heaven?Is there?Throughout our lives we hear about it and are told about it.I know when it use to thunder my mother used to tell me it was grandma bowling with the angels.Of course,I know this isn't true,but could the Bible be the biggest scam in the world?It is the leading bestselling book of all time-could it be the greatest "STORY" the greatest novel ever?I'd love some sort of proof and not just a belief I hold in my heart to make me feel good!
I'd love to stand out in my recreation pen and as I stare into the kaliedscope of colors on the trees,I'd love to be able to believe Lise is there on the whispering wind,the rattle of leaves,and she knows I stand thinking of her.I could think it,but I would love to know it is true.
We're indoctrinated from a young age that the Bible is a good book with the teachings of Jesus.The pictures of Jesus we see at a young age and if we were shown a specific tree and told everything about it is good and everybody thought it or everybody had a similar story about that tree-it'd be the same as the Bible and what we know about religion!
Okay,between you & I!No more will I write -over-on odd pages and put an arrow for you to know to flip the page on the even pages!You're a bright woman who doesn't need directions on which way to read my letters.
Why do I choose to use a weapon to harm over my very own hands?( times out of 10 I look for a weapon to cause harm instead of my own hands.It is because I know I'll have the upperhand if I do the most damage,first?I ask this because even as an 11 or 12 year old boy I remember being at a summer camp playing hockey and I got into a confrontation with another boy.I started beating him with the hockey stick.I can't say I expressed any remorse for what I did and maybe this is because it was an issue where we both feel the other's wrong and if I don't hurt him,he'll hurt me.
I may have been brought up in an era where boys(men)were known to be tough and fighters.I know for a fact I learned this via my stepfather and possibly as a kid with my brothers-roughhousing is commonplace.It does not mean we all grow up to be violent.
I remember for most of the 80s and all of the 90s Mr.Thieben and I would talk about once I'm released he wants me to talk to his college classes.I just realized that this will never come to fruition?I think of these things and grow a bit sad(not crying sad)but a little sad that some of my future plans with Mr.Thieben won't come to be.I am here and I know most look to keep me thinking positive,but I don't think I'm exaggerating when I speak about my release from prison.30 and a half years by the time I go to my next parole hearing!30 and a half years on a 15- life sentence.I have in double my minimum sentence.I suppose I am glad that I didn't think that would ever happen for I don't think I'd be writing to you.
It's not just me!I suppose it is the "nature of the beast" when it comes to a prisoner.Most of us become estranged from our families.I know it is much more then the closeness/separation diminishing that closeness.I did write my mother,sister(who I told about your study)and my two brothers.I have no idea if they would respond for up until 2 years ago I never thought my sister would stop contact.We were never close for she was always miss goody two-shoes,but I believe we became close when she became a Christian.How close could one be to a brother who was 13 years old when I was arrested?He is 42 years old today and yes,I do know the flipside to all of this is a victim that can't feel anything anymore.
Did I tell you that the day after my arrest NEWSDAY & THE DAILY NEWS had articles about my crime?Well,Father Frank was quoted as stating that,"Sean was a boy with a heart of gold and James was an angry lad!"
That is how Father Frank and I began writing for I wrote to him and asked how as a priest he could pass judgment upon me?I don't know(remember)his exact answer,but I know I haven't stopped writing since then...Do you know Father Frank or have you ever heard of him?He is well known as a child advocate.
I am so blessed that I am friends with four very interesting and unique people who have meant something to others.The OTHERS are ones such as I,the ones most of society would rather not deal with.I truly hope you could be that fifth person,but I also don't want you to feel obligated to do so.
You have blessed me with far more then the two money orders you sent.You have occupied so much of my time in a productive manner and as I said many times-you must find something to occupy this time.I feel that a lot of what I write to you is also therapeutic in the sense that it has me looking at myself and reevaluating my life and how I deal with certain people and things from my past.
Did I ever tell you that there is a picture in a yearbook of me from about '78 or '79 where my English teacher was leaning over my shoulder helping me with something.The caption beneath the picture said,"Another Nixon in the making."
The first time I think I dealt with death was in 1973 when my mother called me in the house and told me that my third grade teacher(Mr.Stadnicki)died falling in the shower.I remember going outside and crying.That was when I was in Joseph A. Edgar school in Rocky Point.
I'm a writing machine for earlier today I wrote Mr.Thieben a 13 page letter and the only time I stopped during THIS letter(to you)was on page 17 to take a shower.I look at it like this?I do not need to stop and think of what to write and if I forget to mention something tomorrow is another day and could be the start of another letter.I truly hope you aren't getting tired of my letters and if you're,just tell me for I am an understanding man.
Maybe if I write all of my thoughts you will use what you feel is important and not what I see as important.To be honest with you,I do not know exactly what a case study entails except a history about me.It is 2:34am,the quietest hours in prison and sit at my desk writing!The C.O. that makes his rounds checking to see if no one killed themselves asked me on his last round,"What are you writing,a book?Every night you are up writing!"I told him,"No book,just a long suicide note!"When I saw the expression on his face I had to assure him that I was kidding.
Something I was thinking about?I know when I have no one to answer to,I don't mind taking risks.When I only have myself to answer to it is fine by me.Such as starvation/dehydration.I went 8 days without a drop of liquid(proving it is myth that you can't go more than 3 days without water)and I knew that was a danger in itself,but I was fine with it.I know no one sat and worried for me except myself.If I'm not letting another down,it is so much easier to do what I feel I must.I don't equate the more lonlier I am,the more risks I will take for there are just some things I MUST do to survive,but when I'm letting another down?I stop and think a moment longer.
Another thing?My parole appeal wasn't answered by September 24,2012,as that was the deadline(4 months)for them to answer.Whenever there is a question of law that they don't follow they'll not answer the appeal.There is nothing that binds them to do so.NO penalties-NOTHING!They know the next step is an Article 78 directly to the courts where more rhythm is given to correct wrongs.The thing is that this process takes another 6-8 months for it to be decided.In other words,one is almost back at the next hearing before anything is heard which then makes it a moot issue.
I'm reminded of a DOORS song,"When the musics over,turn out the lights," and what happens when there is no longer a need for my writing?Is it on to someone else that hasn't heard the story yet?That is what it seems like the past 29 plus years have been!I think I gave you enough to digest over the past two weeks,so I'll close for now and I'll probably begin again in a few days.Until then,take good care.
James
The writing pens from commissary suck!They may only be 8 cents,but I'd rather pay more for one to last longer.
I think it is human nature to want to leave your niche on life before you exit it.I would think that is what most would want?
I told you that Clinton Corr. Fac.is the third oldest in the state(circa 1845).That is 167 years worth of criminals and I use to sit in my cell and wonder who came before me and I'd lay in bed wondering about them!Were they first time offenders,did they die in prison,etc.?I know the mobster Lucky Luciano paid for the wood that was used to build the pews in the church.This is documented history and whether good or bad,50,75,100,or more years from now someone will read about a man named Lucky Luciano because for whatever reason his niche was documented for all to read.
I believe most of us have something interesting about ourselves to say that others would want to hear.I'm always thinking this when I write.I would think that most of what I write is thrown in the trash as my letters to Lise were.Sometimes I will write so fast a word will be left out and I mention this so you don't think I'm an imbecile!
The letters I write to Mr.Thieben have already been used and read by others.I met Lise because of my writing and a journal of mine that was passed along to you.I have no idea what will happen to the file cabinets of letters Mr.Thieben has of mine?I could "exaggerate" and make up stories behind them where I could see them changing hands and meaning something long after I'm gone.Maybe the case study you do will be the same.
I would have rather made my niche in life in a different way/fashion,but we all must serve a role/purpose.
I'm not sure what journal Mr.Thieben gave you,but I know I sent him one that I began in the late 80s-early 90s that is about the size of a hard cover novel with a ribbon bookmark(is this the one he gave you)?If it is,David & Linda sent me that in the late 80s and I was in Attica Corr. Fac. and I'm not sure where I was when it ended.I think a lot of what I wrote Mr.Thieben in the 80s,90s, and some of the 2000s is written in the same form that I write you;10,15,or 20 page letters that are my catharsis!I'm thrilled that my writings(especially that journal)has touched so many hands and a TRUE love had developed behind them at one time in history.I'd love to think someone would read what I wrote long after I'm dead.I know it is a farfetched thought and scenario,but who knows?I just want what I write to carry on and mean something to someone.I could only imagine the things I've read that occupied my time and in prison THAT is the most important thing to do,occupy time so it doesn't drive you insane!
I'm forever in search of meeting others as I have met you.I don't know if I would had been like this in society,but as a kid I was.I could walk past a house and if there was someone outside of it,I'd make my way to them and strike up a conversation.I do not believe love has left my heart with Lise's death,it has only showed me how beautiful TRUE love is for Lise is the only woman I know I truly loved!I am always on the hunt in meeting others for it means so much to me to carry on relationships with those beyond these walls.
You see Nelly,not to sound conceited,but I know I'm a good person and I could contribute a lot to another's life!It could be a purely friendly relationship with a man or woman and I will always search for such.A TRUE friendship is a blessing as well and Mr.Thieben,David & Linda, and Father Frank have proved such.I do not know what it is that I contribute to each of them,but when you write someone for over 20 years as I've done with all 4 of them it must mean something to all of them.I'd never want anyone to feel obligated,sorry,sympathy,or pity for me and that is whynthey write.I would accept it if I knew of such!I must search for people for I'm truly AFRAID to be alone.I do believe that it is more difficult for me because I'm a convicted murderer or felon for that matter.Do you know that some people go throughout life without one TRUE friend?I do not mean someone you just call a friend.
How many people did you call your friend in school and how many of them are you in contact with today?I do not know of one person(besides Mr.Thieben & Father Frank)that I've been in contact with from society.
The most famous criminals I've met during this sentence are probably David Berkowitz(Son of Sam) Ronnie Defeo(Amityville Horror) James Burke(the movie GOODFELLERS was based on his life) Joel Rifkin(the one who killed 9 prostitutes on Long Island in the 90s).I did not admire any of them and don't know if I EVER admired any prisoner.Most of them know I am an arrogant,miserable,antisocial bastard!It isn't that I want them to view me as such,but I truly have no use for anyone behind these walls.I hate everything about this environment and though they're not responsible for my plights-it has been a time in my life that I've been chewed up and spit out many times.
Oh god Nelly,you don't know how much I wish there is a Heaven?Is there?Throughout our lives we hear about it and are told about it.I know when it use to thunder my mother used to tell me it was grandma bowling with the angels.Of course,I know this isn't true,but could the Bible be the biggest scam in the world?It is the leading bestselling book of all time-could it be the greatest "STORY" the greatest novel ever?I'd love some sort of proof and not just a belief I hold in my heart to make me feel good!
I'd love to stand out in my recreation pen and as I stare into the kaliedscope of colors on the trees,I'd love to be able to believe Lise is there on the whispering wind,the rattle of leaves,and she knows I stand thinking of her.I could think it,but I would love to know it is true.
We're indoctrinated from a young age that the Bible is a good book with the teachings of Jesus.The pictures of Jesus we see at a young age and if we were shown a specific tree and told everything about it is good and everybody thought it or everybody had a similar story about that tree-it'd be the same as the Bible and what we know about religion!
Okay,between you & I!No more will I write -over-on odd pages and put an arrow for you to know to flip the page on the even pages!You're a bright woman who doesn't need directions on which way to read my letters.
Why do I choose to use a weapon to harm over my very own hands?( times out of 10 I look for a weapon to cause harm instead of my own hands.It is because I know I'll have the upperhand if I do the most damage,first?I ask this because even as an 11 or 12 year old boy I remember being at a summer camp playing hockey and I got into a confrontation with another boy.I started beating him with the hockey stick.I can't say I expressed any remorse for what I did and maybe this is because it was an issue where we both feel the other's wrong and if I don't hurt him,he'll hurt me.
I may have been brought up in an era where boys(men)were known to be tough and fighters.I know for a fact I learned this via my stepfather and possibly as a kid with my brothers-roughhousing is commonplace.It does not mean we all grow up to be violent.
I remember for most of the 80s and all of the 90s Mr.Thieben and I would talk about once I'm released he wants me to talk to his college classes.I just realized that this will never come to fruition?I think of these things and grow a bit sad(not crying sad)but a little sad that some of my future plans with Mr.Thieben won't come to be.I am here and I know most look to keep me thinking positive,but I don't think I'm exaggerating when I speak about my release from prison.30 and a half years by the time I go to my next parole hearing!30 and a half years on a 15- life sentence.I have in double my minimum sentence.I suppose I am glad that I didn't think that would ever happen for I don't think I'd be writing to you.
It's not just me!I suppose it is the "nature of the beast" when it comes to a prisoner.Most of us become estranged from our families.I know it is much more then the closeness/separation diminishing that closeness.I did write my mother,sister(who I told about your study)and my two brothers.I have no idea if they would respond for up until 2 years ago I never thought my sister would stop contact.We were never close for she was always miss goody two-shoes,but I believe we became close when she became a Christian.How close could one be to a brother who was 13 years old when I was arrested?He is 42 years old today and yes,I do know the flipside to all of this is a victim that can't feel anything anymore.
Did I tell you that the day after my arrest NEWSDAY & THE DAILY NEWS had articles about my crime?Well,Father Frank was quoted as stating that,"Sean was a boy with a heart of gold and James was an angry lad!"
That is how Father Frank and I began writing for I wrote to him and asked how as a priest he could pass judgment upon me?I don't know(remember)his exact answer,but I know I haven't stopped writing since then...Do you know Father Frank or have you ever heard of him?He is well known as a child advocate.
I am so blessed that I am friends with four very interesting and unique people who have meant something to others.The OTHERS are ones such as I,the ones most of society would rather not deal with.I truly hope you could be that fifth person,but I also don't want you to feel obligated to do so.
You have blessed me with far more then the two money orders you sent.You have occupied so much of my time in a productive manner and as I said many times-you must find something to occupy this time.I feel that a lot of what I write to you is also therapeutic in the sense that it has me looking at myself and reevaluating my life and how I deal with certain people and things from my past.
Did I ever tell you that there is a picture in a yearbook of me from about '78 or '79 where my English teacher was leaning over my shoulder helping me with something.The caption beneath the picture said,"Another Nixon in the making."
The first time I think I dealt with death was in 1973 when my mother called me in the house and told me that my third grade teacher(Mr.Stadnicki)died falling in the shower.I remember going outside and crying.That was when I was in Joseph A. Edgar school in Rocky Point.
I'm a writing machine for earlier today I wrote Mr.Thieben a 13 page letter and the only time I stopped during THIS letter(to you)was on page 17 to take a shower.I look at it like this?I do not need to stop and think of what to write and if I forget to mention something tomorrow is another day and could be the start of another letter.I truly hope you aren't getting tired of my letters and if you're,just tell me for I am an understanding man.
Maybe if I write all of my thoughts you will use what you feel is important and not what I see as important.To be honest with you,I do not know exactly what a case study entails except a history about me.It is 2:34am,the quietest hours in prison and sit at my desk writing!The C.O. that makes his rounds checking to see if no one killed themselves asked me on his last round,"What are you writing,a book?Every night you are up writing!"I told him,"No book,just a long suicide note!"When I saw the expression on his face I had to assure him that I was kidding.
Something I was thinking about?I know when I have no one to answer to,I don't mind taking risks.When I only have myself to answer to it is fine by me.Such as starvation/dehydration.I went 8 days without a drop of liquid(proving it is myth that you can't go more than 3 days without water)and I knew that was a danger in itself,but I was fine with it.I know no one sat and worried for me except myself.If I'm not letting another down,it is so much easier to do what I feel I must.I don't equate the more lonlier I am,the more risks I will take for there are just some things I MUST do to survive,but when I'm letting another down?I stop and think a moment longer.
Another thing?My parole appeal wasn't answered by September 24,2012,as that was the deadline(4 months)for them to answer.Whenever there is a question of law that they don't follow they'll not answer the appeal.There is nothing that binds them to do so.NO penalties-NOTHING!They know the next step is an Article 78 directly to the courts where more rhythm is given to correct wrongs.The thing is that this process takes another 6-8 months for it to be decided.In other words,one is almost back at the next hearing before anything is heard which then makes it a moot issue.
I'm reminded of a DOORS song,"When the musics over,turn out the lights," and what happens when there is no longer a need for my writing?Is it on to someone else that hasn't heard the story yet?That is what it seems like the past 29 plus years have been!I think I gave you enough to digest over the past two weeks,so I'll close for now and I'll probably begin again in a few days.Until then,take good care.
James
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