Dear Nelly,
I use to think that whenever a conflict arose here in prison I should meet it with the most violence I could put forth.That usually was stabbing the other inmate.Most of it wasn't the disrespect I felt,it was an example for others to know I wasn't a push over.You want that reputation that you won't allow yourself to be abused.I soon realized that it would never stop if one met EVERY conflict with violence.
For instance,my prison number is 84-B-1480!That means I entered the state prison system in 1984 and the B is Elmira Corr. Fac. reception center(A is for Downstate reception center which was for inmates over 21 back then.Ages aren't separated any longer).I was the 1,480th inmate to enter Elmira in 1984!Today most prison numbers are from the 2000s.You know01-B or 02,03 or even 12-B-1980,etc..So all of the inmates today didn't even know I stabbed people in the 80s for these guys weren't even born!Isn't that crazy?You do not see too many inmates with numbers as old as mine.I do not know where the inmates are who also had 15,20, or 25 to life back then.
Sure,a lot are probably dead,in medium security prisons,or they were released.A lot of my respect(today)comes from just the amount of time I have in prison.I guess the amount of years is something most can't phantom.Do you know how long that is?Think of where you were in life 29 years ago?I'm unable to think like that for 29 years ago I was in prison and today I'm in prison!Nothing has really changed,but the dates.I have done some(most of)of the same things 29 years ago that I still do today.The faces,color of the faces are close to being the same.The savagery and all the games people play are the same.Though I know it is not,I still think of society as I left it 29 years ago!How could I expect to know change if I didn't see it.If I left Sarah(a made up name)in 1983 and never saw her in 29 years my brain isn't able to see her so I think of her from the last time I saw her.I know it isn't really like that,but it's the only way I see it.
That is why it is so crazy for me to think I could pick up a pen and write these people as if they are still in the same place as they were 29 years ago.Same place in life and in reality most of them have probably been married for the past 25 years with kids already out of the house.I'm still stuck in 1983!It's crazy and scary to think I may be lost once I step out of prison.I mean,I'll have to tell most people where I've been in the last 30 something years.That is part of relations as you get to know people.Once that is said,than a paranoia sets in where you wonder what they NOW think of you?That is down the road,but I must think of today and tomorrow when it gets here.
This prison is in what is called the Finger Lakes Region and every day the sea gulls wait knowing when the recreation pens will open and they will be fed.All you hear are their chirps(or whatever you call their noise)as the meaner & bolder ones dominate for the pieces of bread thrown out to them.
I'm sure I've given you enough reading to keep you going for a while?It seems as though when I seal a letter I think of something else to say and I begin a new one.I'm grateful that this year seems to be moving along quickly and will be over shortly.Hopefully 2013 will go just as quick!The way I figure it is that I'm only able to give years now for I've all the programs they asked me to do.As I put more & more years under my belt I'd have to figure I'm getting closer to release.Atleast I hope it is this way.
You didn't tell me if you read?I think I'll get this answer from you,"I really don't have time to read with work and all.I take pictures which I love to do!"That is what I think,but taking pictures isn't enough getting away from work even if work is doing something you love.
I have never read in society so I'm only speaking on what I believe would be TRUE!What I know to be true is that reading passes time and it doesn't take a rocket scientist or any other type of scientist to realize how important it is to a prisoner to pass time!I also know reading has broadened my imagination,articulation,conversation,and so much more.What I believe to be true once I'm released?
I think I'll still read for it is so easy to get lost within the pages of a good novel!What I learned about life is that it isn't only the "imprisoned" who look to get lost in something and once the novelty of freedom wears off?I'll want to be lost in something and reading is so creative!OR I should say productive for IDLE time for me is boredom with nothing to do and usually when I'm bored I act on impulse to change boredom as quick as possible-impulsive acts are not always productive and/or positive.
Mr.Thieben ALWAYS reads,but it's usually only nonfiction on historical figures which makes sense since he taught History.He reads about 5 books a week.A lot of times when I ask him to pick me up a book he'll go to his bookstore and asks,"The girls"(as he says)to track the book(s) down and lo & behold!Mr.Thieben will read it that day and then send it to me.Maybe it's to investigate my taste(s) or just something to give him a reason to change his routine.
I use to read NOTHING except true crimes,but it started getting depressing to read about so much evil.The last true crime I read was called BULLY which is about 5 kids who killed another kid they hung around with.I read it after seeing the movie.Sometimes I'll see something and realize what a waste!It is such a waste that I mwant to read more to see where & why it went wrong for their lives to become such a waste(as my own is thus far).I realize the answers are usually the same?
Most of us do things impulsively and we don't think of consequences-not just consequences of punishment,but when violence is involved,the consequences of a victim and the hurtor death caused.Sometimes people aren't affected by the victim's hurt/death.At times,it is justified-when it's your inititive such as a soldier-but when it's not and you do not feel anything?Anyone I ever WANTED to hurt INTENTIONALLY-?Well,they were guilty of something which usually brought hurt to me!If that is or was the case I have no feelings/concerns in regards to their hurt and I'll never feel remorse for such.Thats just it,most in prison who have hurt others during their crime(s) didn't mean to cause the hurt which is why we can feel remorse.If this isn't the case?Then you more than likely belong in prison for you're more than likely an evil son of a bitch!
Well,I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
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