Dear Nelly,
The writing pens from commissary suck!They may only be 8 cents,but I'd rather pay more for one to last longer.
I think it is human nature to want to leave your niche on life before you exit it.I would think that is what most would want?
I told you that Clinton Corr. Fac.is the third oldest in the state(circa 1845).That is 167 years worth of criminals and I use to sit in my cell and wonder who came before me and I'd lay in bed wondering about them!Were they first time offenders,did they die in prison,etc.?I know the mobster Lucky Luciano paid for the wood that was used to build the pews in the church.This is documented history and whether good or bad,50,75,100,or more years from now someone will read about a man named Lucky Luciano because for whatever reason his niche was documented for all to read.
I believe most of us have something interesting about ourselves to say that others would want to hear.I'm always thinking this when I write.I would think that most of what I write is thrown in the trash as my letters to Lise were.Sometimes I will write so fast a word will be left out and I mention this so you don't think I'm an imbecile!
The letters I write to Mr.Thieben have already been used and read by others.I met Lise because of my writing and a journal of mine that was passed along to you.I have no idea what will happen to the file cabinets of letters Mr.Thieben has of mine?I could "exaggerate" and make up stories behind them where I could see them changing hands and meaning something long after I'm gone.Maybe the case study you do will be the same.
I would have rather made my niche in life in a different way/fashion,but we all must serve a role/purpose.
I'm not sure what journal Mr.Thieben gave you,but I know I sent him one that I began in the late 80s-early 90s that is about the size of a hard cover novel with a ribbon bookmark(is this the one he gave you)?If it is,David & Linda sent me that in the late 80s and I was in Attica Corr. Fac. and I'm not sure where I was when it ended.I think a lot of what I wrote Mr.Thieben in the 80s,90s, and some of the 2000s is written in the same form that I write you;10,15,or 20 page letters that are my catharsis!I'm thrilled that my writings(especially that journal)has touched so many hands and a TRUE love had developed behind them at one time in history.I'd love to think someone would read what I wrote long after I'm dead.I know it is a farfetched thought and scenario,but who knows?I just want what I write to carry on and mean something to someone.I could only imagine the things I've read that occupied my time and in prison THAT is the most important thing to do,occupy time so it doesn't drive you insane!
I'm forever in search of meeting others as I have met you.I don't know if I would had been like this in society,but as a kid I was.I could walk past a house and if there was someone outside of it,I'd make my way to them and strike up a conversation.I do not believe love has left my heart with Lise's death,it has only showed me how beautiful TRUE love is for Lise is the only woman I know I truly loved!I am always on the hunt in meeting others for it means so much to me to carry on relationships with those beyond these walls.
You see Nelly,not to sound conceited,but I know I'm a good person and I could contribute a lot to another's life!It could be a purely friendly relationship with a man or woman and I will always search for such.A TRUE friendship is a blessing as well and Mr.Thieben,David & Linda, and Father Frank have proved such.I do not know what it is that I contribute to each of them,but when you write someone for over 20 years as I've done with all 4 of them it must mean something to all of them.I'd never want anyone to feel obligated,sorry,sympathy,or pity for me and that is whynthey write.I would accept it if I knew of such!I must search for people for I'm truly AFRAID to be alone.I do believe that it is more difficult for me because I'm a convicted murderer or felon for that matter.Do you know that some people go throughout life without one TRUE friend?I do not mean someone you just call a friend.
How many people did you call your friend in school and how many of them are you in contact with today?I do not know of one person(besides Mr.Thieben & Father Frank)that I've been in contact with from society.
The most famous criminals I've met during this sentence are probably David Berkowitz(Son of Sam) Ronnie Defeo(Amityville Horror) James Burke(the movie GOODFELLERS was based on his life) Joel Rifkin(the one who killed 9 prostitutes on Long Island in the 90s).I did not admire any of them and don't know if I EVER admired any prisoner.Most of them know I am an arrogant,miserable,antisocial bastard!It isn't that I want them to view me as such,but I truly have no use for anyone behind these walls.I hate everything about this environment and though they're not responsible for my plights-it has been a time in my life that I've been chewed up and spit out many times.
Oh god Nelly,you don't know how much I wish there is a Heaven?Is there?Throughout our lives we hear about it and are told about it.I know when it use to thunder my mother used to tell me it was grandma bowling with the angels.Of course,I know this isn't true,but could the Bible be the biggest scam in the world?It is the leading bestselling book of all time-could it be the greatest "STORY" the greatest novel ever?I'd love some sort of proof and not just a belief I hold in my heart to make me feel good!
I'd love to stand out in my recreation pen and as I stare into the kaliedscope of colors on the trees,I'd love to be able to believe Lise is there on the whispering wind,the rattle of leaves,and she knows I stand thinking of her.I could think it,but I would love to know it is true.
We're indoctrinated from a young age that the Bible is a good book with the teachings of Jesus.The pictures of Jesus we see at a young age and if we were shown a specific tree and told everything about it is good and everybody thought it or everybody had a similar story about that tree-it'd be the same as the Bible and what we know about religion!
Okay,between you & I!No more will I write -over-on odd pages and put an arrow for you to know to flip the page on the even pages!You're a bright woman who doesn't need directions on which way to read my letters.
Why do I choose to use a weapon to harm over my very own hands?( times out of 10 I look for a weapon to cause harm instead of my own hands.It is because I know I'll have the upperhand if I do the most damage,first?I ask this because even as an 11 or 12 year old boy I remember being at a summer camp playing hockey and I got into a confrontation with another boy.I started beating him with the hockey stick.I can't say I expressed any remorse for what I did and maybe this is because it was an issue where we both feel the other's wrong and if I don't hurt him,he'll hurt me.
I may have been brought up in an era where boys(men)were known to be tough and fighters.I know for a fact I learned this via my stepfather and possibly as a kid with my brothers-roughhousing is commonplace.It does not mean we all grow up to be violent.
I remember for most of the 80s and all of the 90s Mr.Thieben and I would talk about once I'm released he wants me to talk to his college classes.I just realized that this will never come to fruition?I think of these things and grow a bit sad(not crying sad)but a little sad that some of my future plans with Mr.Thieben won't come to be.I am here and I know most look to keep me thinking positive,but I don't think I'm exaggerating when I speak about my release from prison.30 and a half years by the time I go to my next parole hearing!30 and a half years on a 15- life sentence.I have in double my minimum sentence.I suppose I am glad that I didn't think that would ever happen for I don't think I'd be writing to you.
It's not just me!I suppose it is the "nature of the beast" when it comes to a prisoner.Most of us become estranged from our families.I know it is much more then the closeness/separation diminishing that closeness.I did write my mother,sister(who I told about your study)and my two brothers.I have no idea if they would respond for up until 2 years ago I never thought my sister would stop contact.We were never close for she was always miss goody two-shoes,but I believe we became close when she became a Christian.How close could one be to a brother who was 13 years old when I was arrested?He is 42 years old today and yes,I do know the flipside to all of this is a victim that can't feel anything anymore.
Did I tell you that the day after my arrest NEWSDAY & THE DAILY NEWS had articles about my crime?Well,Father Frank was quoted as stating that,"Sean was a boy with a heart of gold and James was an angry lad!"
That is how Father Frank and I began writing for I wrote to him and asked how as a priest he could pass judgment upon me?I don't know(remember)his exact answer,but I know I haven't stopped writing since then...Do you know Father Frank or have you ever heard of him?He is well known as a child advocate.
I am so blessed that I am friends with four very interesting and unique people who have meant something to others.The OTHERS are ones such as I,the ones most of society would rather not deal with.I truly hope you could be that fifth person,but I also don't want you to feel obligated to do so.
You have blessed me with far more then the two money orders you sent.You have occupied so much of my time in a productive manner and as I said many times-you must find something to occupy this time.I feel that a lot of what I write to you is also therapeutic in the sense that it has me looking at myself and reevaluating my life and how I deal with certain people and things from my past.
Did I ever tell you that there is a picture in a yearbook of me from about '78 or '79 where my English teacher was leaning over my shoulder helping me with something.The caption beneath the picture said,"Another Nixon in the making."
The first time I think I dealt with death was in 1973 when my mother called me in the house and told me that my third grade teacher(Mr.Stadnicki)died falling in the shower.I remember going outside and crying.That was when I was in Joseph A. Edgar school in Rocky Point.
I'm a writing machine for earlier today I wrote Mr.Thieben a 13 page letter and the only time I stopped during THIS letter(to you)was on page 17 to take a shower.I look at it like this?I do not need to stop and think of what to write and if I forget to mention something tomorrow is another day and could be the start of another letter.I truly hope you aren't getting tired of my letters and if you're,just tell me for I am an understanding man.
Maybe if I write all of my thoughts you will use what you feel is important and not what I see as important.To be honest with you,I do not know exactly what a case study entails except a history about me.It is 2:34am,the quietest hours in prison and sit at my desk writing!The C.O. that makes his rounds checking to see if no one killed themselves asked me on his last round,"What are you writing,a book?Every night you are up writing!"I told him,"No book,just a long suicide note!"When I saw the expression on his face I had to assure him that I was kidding.
Something I was thinking about?I know when I have no one to answer to,I don't mind taking risks.When I only have myself to answer to it is fine by me.Such as starvation/dehydration.I went 8 days without a drop of liquid(proving it is myth that you can't go more than 3 days without water)and I knew that was a danger in itself,but I was fine with it.I know no one sat and worried for me except myself.If I'm not letting another down,it is so much easier to do what I feel I must.I don't equate the more lonlier I am,the more risks I will take for there are just some things I MUST do to survive,but when I'm letting another down?I stop and think a moment longer.
Another thing?My parole appeal wasn't answered by September 24,2012,as that was the deadline(4 months)for them to answer.Whenever there is a question of law that they don't follow they'll not answer the appeal.There is nothing that binds them to do so.NO penalties-NOTHING!They know the next step is an Article 78 directly to the courts where more rhythm is given to correct wrongs.The thing is that this process takes another 6-8 months for it to be decided.In other words,one is almost back at the next hearing before anything is heard which then makes it a moot issue.
I'm reminded of a DOORS song,"When the musics over,turn out the lights," and what happens when there is no longer a need for my writing?Is it on to someone else that hasn't heard the story yet?That is what it seems like the past 29 plus years have been!I think I gave you enough to digest over the past two weeks,so I'll close for now and I'll probably begin again in a few days.Until then,take good care.
James
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