Dear Nelly,
I don't know if I hate myself or hate the fact that I let everything around me crumble.There is so much I wish I could go back and change-just let me stop time to realign just moments to change how things have become.My crime is obvious,but maybe I could have been a better son to my stepfather!What if I did do good in school?Would our relationship have turned out different?
We're given the gift of life and along with it we build relations that we know will come to an end.Given life to endure pain.Every day we come closer & closer to our lives ending.It's truly crazy and I know most don't do so,but I wonder if it is really worth the gift of life?
When I talk about death I don't want you to believe I'm on the verge of anything,but why do most people commit suicide?I know I'd want to eliminate all the pain that fills my thoughts daily.I would just love to be able to end it.
The things I sit here and write to you are not just thoughts that all of a sudden flooded my mind.When I awaken in the morning my thoughts begin!As I brush my teeth I'm thinking and as I do everything that I do.I can't escvape all the hurt and it seems like the only solution is death.I'm not afraid to die,I'm afraid of the pain that may come before death.Thats crazy for you'd think what is a few moments/minutes of pain if I know death will follow?If I had the right amount of pills such as "Valium" I definitely wouldn't be here and I'd have no second thoughts at all!
It isn't that I'm sad(over some things I am)it's just the hurt and the blockage that imprisonment imposes.Probably everything that brings me pain in life could be fixed,worked out,and answered if I wasn't in prison.I some times wonder what will come first,my freedom or my 60th birthday.Now,that is some thing I NEVER would have imagined 20 years ago or even in 2000(my first parole board).
Some say suicide is a selfish act for you don't care for those you're leaving behind,but I feel guilty to even think such of Lise for I know she loved her children.
I know no one could ever understand what one thinks sitting in a 6 x 9 cell each and every day while those days turn into years and then decades?I will certainly share it ALL with you Nelly and if you're interested?I will keep writing as long as my mind is sharp enough to put words upon paper.Sure,this letter is shorter than usual,but I can promise you that I will still be breathing tomorrow which means another letter will be started and it will probably be 20 or 30 pages long!Until then,take good care.
James
No comments:
Post a Comment