Dear Nelly,
I'm really not sure what my fate in the future is, but I know I wish for certain things. Let me tell you about a dilemma I face numerous times every year!
No matter how little one wants to do because they know the end rewards are plentiful (freedom). Well, after all, this is prison and one knows what is expected of them if they don't look to be prey!
It is such as being between a 'rock and a hard place' for you want to be positive for that future reward, but you must live for this moment as well. Right this moment dictates how that path to the future will be.
A lot of times when I know I must make a stance it is as if I'm wishing for the opposites. You see, I want to come out of my cell and do as much damage as possible to the problem that stands before me. Then, another part of me is silently praying to God for him to intervene making anything happen that only he can! In other words, I ask God to intervene in a way where I won't be able to confront my enemy. Not because I'm afraid of the violence, but because I know it puts my future in jeopardy. God usually answers in a positive manner with his intervention and the problem has time to be worked out with diplomacy, while cooler heads prevail.
It is little things like this that keeps the belief of God within my heart. Now, if one asked what about the past when he didn't intervene? I didn't silently call upon him during those times for on each shoulder stood the voice of the devil.
Remember I told you as a child I'd be covered from head to toe with my blanket and every body part that could be crossed (fingers, toes, legs, arms, etc.) was as I silently prayed to God. I prayed that my stepfather wouldn't beat me. Maybe when God didn't answer it was because the punishment fit the mischief!
Anyway, that is my theory on God at this particular time. It is a shame that we usually believe more when good things happen for reasons we're unable to explain?
My correction counselor once again came to see me about a transfer to a medium security prison. These requests are sent from Albany (where the Department of Corrections main campus is) and if nothing at all, it is like I'm silently being praised for good behavior because even though I am in a maximum security prison, my classification is medium security.
Anyway, this time it was for 'preference transfer' meaning I get to pick a particular area of New York State I like to go. Of course, guys from the New York City area request mediums down there, but here is James Morgan's logic.
I told my counselor I'll take any medium for if I'm sent to one I'll be grateful for just that in itself. I also know Albany will not send me to a medium that has a reputation for trouble. These people are far from stupid and they know what they are doing.
In any event, this month is two years without any kind misbehavior. I'm proud of my own accomplishment for I know it's a volatile world where it is easy to get into trouble. Hey, don't even ask how some inmates do 25,30, or more years without any misbehavior! One consonant I find is that it doesn't mean their good behavior is rewarded with the release. That is paroles' inconsistency! I know I always seek answers in my life, but some things are unexplained.
Like Heaven? I once asked Mr. Thieben if he believed in heaven and his answer, "well Jimmy, no one has ever come back to tell me about it!" You see Nelly, if you were to look at statistics there aren't many inmates alive that serve 30 or more years. There are only a handful and a lot have been sentenced to where they have to do 30 years and more. Out of New York State's 50,000+ inmates, less than 100 have 30 or more years in. It isn't nothing to be praised for, but I see it as the opposite to what Mr. Thieben said, "I'll be back to tell many about hell". It just may be my purpose in life- to use- ALL of this as a device/ tool to deter others from this path. I guess we'll see?
I praise you for being able to make out my letters because sometimes when I read over what I wrote, I have problems making it out!!
I sent you a copy of my disciplinary history. Note that it starts in 1989 because this is when the state began using computers! Before that (1984 to 1988) is all written by hand and unfortunately, the state still has record of it.
Okay, I'll let you go for now and until the next time, take good care.
James
Friday, April 26, 2019
Friday, April 12, 2019
May 6,2013
Dear Nelly,
Hopefully, you received the letter that was returned? That week, I had 2 letters returned to me for the other one was where I learned that my mother moved to Georgia- if you want her current address, let me know? Though I'm 48 years of age, it is small examples like that (my mother leaving the state without me knowing) that tug at my heart and further leads me to believe that my relations with my mother are more than estranged- practically nonexistent! Life must go on!
I'm working on another picture for your office wall hoping to brighten up the space you spend a lot of your time. Once it's done I'll send it on its way. I figure if I wait for you to write telling me what picture you like I may already be home and I'm not sure if drawing in society is something I'll do. Don't mind my sarcasm for I know you told me from the beginning you wouldn't write as much as I do. Before I forget, Happy Mother's Day! You're not my mother, but all mothers should be recognized for the job that should never end. Most mothers don't let it end, either.
Sometimes I look to write you and there isn't anything to write about for many of my days are unimportant! There is a lot of different monotonous bullshit episodes that go on, so I then think about my past and something clicks. It is the past that is important for it ALL the beginning that makes me who I am today.
Let me tell you a small secret! I believe ALL humans live to meet some goals in life.The desire to meet tomorrow is what you live for, wanting to progress with your career is one thing that keeps you going, wanting to see your children excel,wanting to see the man you love each morning when you awaken, etc. are all things (examples) that make up why you look to meet tomorrow. I want to meet tomorrow because it's another day closer to my (eventual) freedom, but... I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do!!
Of course, I look to work to take my responsibilities, but beyond that I haven't a clue. I know it will be baby steps and I want freedom so badly, but when I think about it getting lost in deep thought? I get a little scared.
I remember back in 1996, I was facilitating an "Alternatives to Violence" seminar that is ran (in-house) by the civilian Quakers. Each year we have a Festival where all inmate facilitators and civilian Quakers have a party that includes dinner and desserts. Most of the civilians are women from early 20s to up into the 80s.
I went and saw about two dozen women who were very friendly hugging us all and after five minutes, I left! I left because I felt out of place with those women and I think of this whenever I think about when I'm released? I wasn't used to being around all those women (about 20 to 24) and wonder what the hell I'll do if I have to go through Penn Station or Grand Central station to get to Long Island? What will those crowds have me thinking. It's easy to think, I'll be happy to get to that stage, but it really does worry me. Maybe if I lived more comfortable in here, not needing anything or support from others, I wouldn't want to leave prison. Crazy,huh?
Of course I love women, but I don't believe it is the first thing (sex) on a convict's mind. How could it be when one has gone so long without it? It isn't my number one priority or desire, but I don't know what is.
I'll probably never find the answer to my question, "why my life has turned outn as it has?" There are so many different theories that aren't always solid, but I'll probably die before I find the answer. It is easy to feel sorry for myself, but just as some want "something" to believe there is a Lord above- I want a reason for why I must live as I have for these 48 years.
I know what I'd like to be doing in life, but I haven't met those goals and wonder if I ever will. One thing I won't lie to myself about- I had many opportunities in the first 18 years of my life to be successful (in life).
Okay, I'll get this in the mail to you and until the next time, take good care.
James
Hopefully, you received the letter that was returned? That week, I had 2 letters returned to me for the other one was where I learned that my mother moved to Georgia- if you want her current address, let me know? Though I'm 48 years of age, it is small examples like that (my mother leaving the state without me knowing) that tug at my heart and further leads me to believe that my relations with my mother are more than estranged- practically nonexistent! Life must go on!
I'm working on another picture for your office wall hoping to brighten up the space you spend a lot of your time. Once it's done I'll send it on its way. I figure if I wait for you to write telling me what picture you like I may already be home and I'm not sure if drawing in society is something I'll do. Don't mind my sarcasm for I know you told me from the beginning you wouldn't write as much as I do. Before I forget, Happy Mother's Day! You're not my mother, but all mothers should be recognized for the job that should never end. Most mothers don't let it end, either.
Sometimes I look to write you and there isn't anything to write about for many of my days are unimportant! There is a lot of different monotonous bullshit episodes that go on, so I then think about my past and something clicks. It is the past that is important for it ALL the beginning that makes me who I am today.
Let me tell you a small secret! I believe ALL humans live to meet some goals in life.The desire to meet tomorrow is what you live for, wanting to progress with your career is one thing that keeps you going, wanting to see your children excel,wanting to see the man you love each morning when you awaken, etc. are all things (examples) that make up why you look to meet tomorrow. I want to meet tomorrow because it's another day closer to my (eventual) freedom, but... I haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do!!
Of course, I look to work to take my responsibilities, but beyond that I haven't a clue. I know it will be baby steps and I want freedom so badly, but when I think about it getting lost in deep thought? I get a little scared.
I remember back in 1996, I was facilitating an "Alternatives to Violence" seminar that is ran (in-house) by the civilian Quakers. Each year we have a Festival where all inmate facilitators and civilian Quakers have a party that includes dinner and desserts. Most of the civilians are women from early 20s to up into the 80s.
I went and saw about two dozen women who were very friendly hugging us all and after five minutes, I left! I left because I felt out of place with those women and I think of this whenever I think about when I'm released? I wasn't used to being around all those women (about 20 to 24) and wonder what the hell I'll do if I have to go through Penn Station or Grand Central station to get to Long Island? What will those crowds have me thinking. It's easy to think, I'll be happy to get to that stage, but it really does worry me. Maybe if I lived more comfortable in here, not needing anything or support from others, I wouldn't want to leave prison. Crazy,huh?
Of course I love women, but I don't believe it is the first thing (sex) on a convict's mind. How could it be when one has gone so long without it? It isn't my number one priority or desire, but I don't know what is.
I'll probably never find the answer to my question, "why my life has turned outn as it has?" There are so many different theories that aren't always solid, but I'll probably die before I find the answer. It is easy to feel sorry for myself, but just as some want "something" to believe there is a Lord above- I want a reason for why I must live as I have for these 48 years.
I know what I'd like to be doing in life, but I haven't met those goals and wonder if I ever will. One thing I won't lie to myself about- I had many opportunities in the first 18 years of my life to be successful (in life).
Okay, I'll get this in the mail to you and until the next time, take good care.
James
April 22,2013
Dear Nelly,
As you can see- the enclosed letter was returned to me and what I gathered by the red ink is that someone doesn't know the departments of psychiatry/ neuroscience- Friedman Brain Institute? Oh yeah, I'm angry and wonder if I could "forgive" the idiot who returned this letter! A few deep breaths and I've decided that if it gets to you this time- I'll let things slide. Wiping the sweat from my brow- I realize I saved myself from another indictment for murder!!
I was reading the April/ 2013 issue of Wired magazine and I saw this article about people "putting out new books themselves, selling digital downloads and print editions through Amazon". Is this sort of what you meant when you made mention of putting my story on the Internet (during our October /2012 visit)?
Let me tell you my feelings about this and then I'd HOPE you'd give it some thought and answer when you get the chance.
Nelly, I don't want to believe my head is swollen, but I know I can write! Not nonfiction, the only facts my writing will contain is that it'll come from my imagination and I believe people will be very interested within what I write. I believe YOU would be interested in what I write, but you're like the other handful of people I write! You're ALL career minded people and it would be a task for you to find the time to sit before a computer to type the chapters in (I suppose that's how it is done). Would you be willing to do this, look into it for me, or do you have any idea of who may do it?? Answer that for me because the person who probably has the most free time (Mr.Thieben) is computer illiterate, does not believe in cell phones, or answering machines and still rides around on a bicycle from 1957!
I do not want our correspondence to ever be a burden to you and maybe this is asking too much of you? One thing you could be sure of Nelly is that I have my big boy pants on so if you tell me "you don't have the time", I'll definitely get over it. It certainly won't linger within my thoughts, leaving a nasty taste in my mouth that my former attorney or stepfather leaves! I promise you that, so please think about it and share your thoughts with me.
Have you ever read anything by Edward Rutherfurd? A great author and if you get a chance pick up London or New York by him and read. I do believe you'd enjoy (them I did).
Everything is going well and though it is 7 1/2 months away, this is when I start preparing for the parole board tidying up the little things, but I feel positive for once because next month is 24 months without a misbehavior report and I do believe this is the LONGEST I've ever gone without a report. I look at it like this, if it isn't 2014, it can't be too much longer after that. I do feel that, so I'll just HOPE for the best and pray that the people I do know are still alive once I'm released! That is the only thing that scares me for I know I can still serve some years if I must, but I'm afraid I have no one once I'm released. I could live alone, but I don't wish to be alone in all aspects of life.
Okay, I'll end this so I could get this in the mail. I hope all is well with you. Until the next time, take good care.
James
As you can see- the enclosed letter was returned to me and what I gathered by the red ink is that someone doesn't know the departments of psychiatry/ neuroscience- Friedman Brain Institute? Oh yeah, I'm angry and wonder if I could "forgive" the idiot who returned this letter! A few deep breaths and I've decided that if it gets to you this time- I'll let things slide. Wiping the sweat from my brow- I realize I saved myself from another indictment for murder!!
I was reading the April/ 2013 issue of Wired magazine and I saw this article about people "putting out new books themselves, selling digital downloads and print editions through Amazon". Is this sort of what you meant when you made mention of putting my story on the Internet (during our October /2012 visit)?
Let me tell you my feelings about this and then I'd HOPE you'd give it some thought and answer when you get the chance.
Nelly, I don't want to believe my head is swollen, but I know I can write! Not nonfiction, the only facts my writing will contain is that it'll come from my imagination and I believe people will be very interested within what I write. I believe YOU would be interested in what I write, but you're like the other handful of people I write! You're ALL career minded people and it would be a task for you to find the time to sit before a computer to type the chapters in (I suppose that's how it is done). Would you be willing to do this, look into it for me, or do you have any idea of who may do it?? Answer that for me because the person who probably has the most free time (Mr.Thieben) is computer illiterate, does not believe in cell phones, or answering machines and still rides around on a bicycle from 1957!
I do not want our correspondence to ever be a burden to you and maybe this is asking too much of you? One thing you could be sure of Nelly is that I have my big boy pants on so if you tell me "you don't have the time", I'll definitely get over it. It certainly won't linger within my thoughts, leaving a nasty taste in my mouth that my former attorney or stepfather leaves! I promise you that, so please think about it and share your thoughts with me.
Have you ever read anything by Edward Rutherfurd? A great author and if you get a chance pick up London or New York by him and read. I do believe you'd enjoy (them I did).
Everything is going well and though it is 7 1/2 months away, this is when I start preparing for the parole board tidying up the little things, but I feel positive for once because next month is 24 months without a misbehavior report and I do believe this is the LONGEST I've ever gone without a report. I look at it like this, if it isn't 2014, it can't be too much longer after that. I do feel that, so I'll just HOPE for the best and pray that the people I do know are still alive once I'm released! That is the only thing that scares me for I know I can still serve some years if I must, but I'm afraid I have no one once I'm released. I could live alone, but I don't wish to be alone in all aspects of life.
Okay, I'll end this so I could get this in the mail. I hope all is well with you. Until the next time, take good care.
James
April 16,2013
Dear Nelly,
At times I feel as if I'm living just to be free! I scratch off each period of time because it brings me that much closer to the possibility of my release. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea of what I'd like to do once I'm free.
I say it no longer matters to me if I live or die, but I'd rather die as a free man! I do truly believe I will have a hand in the way that I die and it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm free. I used to be afraid of dying, but I'm only afraid of whether it will be painful/ painless? That is the only thing I think of now, but I do want my life to mean something to me as well as someone else.
My way of thinking has nothing to do with my emotional state at this particular time for I'm content with my mental state. I tell you this so you don't grow worried. Though I'm not old by any means, but I guess as we do grow older, those are things we think about? We all want to be important to someone and as I sit here and think about it...
Most of my life I never felt important to anyone. Even before my imprisonment and during my childhood, I did not feel that my associates would miss if I was no longer around. I don't know why that is, but I know it reflects upon my personality and how I treated others. I know my social skills were hampered by my punishments at home, so I knew better than to extend myself to others. Why make friends if I knew I could not be a part of that circle for I was always punished.
I wouldn't want people to feel sympathetic,pity, or that woe is me, but it is truth with my life. I often wondered if I could have done things differently as a child or if no matter what I did, I'd be subjected to the way I was treated by my stepfather? I will never know the answer to that, but it is the reason I have difficulties believing in God and that our lives are lived according to his plan!
I am 48 years of age and I do not believe I've done anything in my life that can be looked upon with praise. It is crazy, but I have truly led a worthless existence thus far. I suppose I'd be a prime candidate for a suicide bombing? I say that because I once read how suicide bombers are chosen and most have low self-esteem, but it was said as a joke.
I used to believe that no matter how down and out I was, good would always rear its head. Only lately have I thought that this may not be true with my freedom. I'm living as I am now because I do believe I will be free soon, but what if I'm not?
I'm so happy that things have worked themselves out with my latest misbehaviors for I was that close to accepting prison as my life. I know in the long run it falls upon my own self for 20 years from now Mr.Thieben probably won't be alive and neither will David and Linda. I will be (more than likely) and I'd be more alone then I am now.
I write to share my thoughts with others, but what if I don't have others to do this with? Hopefully I'm released from prison before I find this out!
Remember the movie/ book " The Green Mile"? The man kept growing older and older which was his punishment from God for allowing John Coffee to die! I feel like that character and I'm being punished for all that I did. I can't die for then I could no longer suffer. I truly believe this, but I wish I knew all that I was being punished for? If you didn't see the movie or read the book( by Stephen King) you must for is a great story!!
Have you ever heard of Salt Point, New York? Could you please check this on the Internet. I saw it mentioned somewhere and I'm trying to find out where it is? I would appreciate it.
I think it's in my family's DNA or genes to become estranged from other family members and think nothing of it! I know when my mother was in her 20s and her mother died she stopped talking to her father and sister and to this day (the father must be dead now) she does not talk to one sister. That is a grudge over 50 years old!
My stepfather didn't talk to his own brother for decades before he finally did, but my entire family isn't talking to one another and I think it's crazy. I believe a lot of members of my family will die lonely people. The grudges usually aren't about anything, but when a parent won't talk to their child I'd have to believe this reflects upon their parenting (I guess)?
I know you said family is not as important as people make it out to be and I especially believe this when you allow your thoughts to be dominated in a bad way. I've been alone for so long that I'm use to it, but it doesn't mean that I like it.
I think a lot of my aggression was a learned behavior from my stepfather! I noticed that I was the dominant one with the group I hung around with and my behaviors were the same as my stepfathers. It's a shame when you practice the behaviors that you detest so much. It's not hard to figure out why I didn't have many friends growing up and the ones I did have was sort of bought. Did I tell you this already?
I told you my stepfather used to smoke pot and sniffed cocaine? I'd go in his room and steal some and use it to lure people to my house to hang out and get high. I'm not sure if they wondered why I always wanted to stay in my backyard, but they wouldn't put up much of an argument because I always had the good coke and weed!
I was truly afraid of my stepfather, but I didn't improve with grades/ behavior in school yet I knew it brought me troubles at home. I've had psychologists tell me this was my way, of defying my stepfather, but I don't know if I believe that, but I wasn't stupid so if I did apply myself I know I could have improved on my grades.
Then, when I first begin my sentence and I ran into a problem in prison I reacted in an extreme and violent way hoping to be praised by my stepfather. I knew he'd find out and I wanted him to know I was a man and handled things as he did in an "aggressive" manner. Is that crazy or what? I hated him and I still wanted his praise (which I never seem to get).
Do you know my aunt (my stepfathers brothers wife) was robbed in her house at gunpoint in 1982, and she always thought it was me that robbed her? The person wore a ski mask and knocked on her door and when she answered, he robbed her. She had a feeling it was me and our relationship was already estranged, but that is insane for your aunt to think this about me especially when it is furthest from the truth.
The one aunt I was close to (my mother's sister) stopped writing to me sometime in 2001 or 2002 because she said I wrote her something nasty! It wasn't nasty, I was expressing my opinion in regards to something and she took it the wrong way. I am estranged from family on ALL sides!! I suppose I'm that crazy relative in prison for murder!
Do you know what I really wish? I'd love to be dropped in the middle of the wilderness somewhere and allow me to live off the land! That would truly be the life for me where I could sit in solitude and whittle away on a piece of wood!! I am serious- I'd love that.
I decided that if I'm denied parole in January/ 2014, I'm going to place an ad to meet others. I told you I got married doing this one time before. It's crazy? The last two women I fell in love with have both died in the last five years and both were 50 or younger!!Too young for anyone to die.
I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
At times I feel as if I'm living just to be free! I scratch off each period of time because it brings me that much closer to the possibility of my release. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea of what I'd like to do once I'm free.
I say it no longer matters to me if I live or die, but I'd rather die as a free man! I do truly believe I will have a hand in the way that I die and it doesn't matter to me as long as I'm free. I used to be afraid of dying, but I'm only afraid of whether it will be painful/ painless? That is the only thing I think of now, but I do want my life to mean something to me as well as someone else.
My way of thinking has nothing to do with my emotional state at this particular time for I'm content with my mental state. I tell you this so you don't grow worried. Though I'm not old by any means, but I guess as we do grow older, those are things we think about? We all want to be important to someone and as I sit here and think about it...
Most of my life I never felt important to anyone. Even before my imprisonment and during my childhood, I did not feel that my associates would miss if I was no longer around. I don't know why that is, but I know it reflects upon my personality and how I treated others. I know my social skills were hampered by my punishments at home, so I knew better than to extend myself to others. Why make friends if I knew I could not be a part of that circle for I was always punished.
I wouldn't want people to feel sympathetic,pity, or that woe is me, but it is truth with my life. I often wondered if I could have done things differently as a child or if no matter what I did, I'd be subjected to the way I was treated by my stepfather? I will never know the answer to that, but it is the reason I have difficulties believing in God and that our lives are lived according to his plan!
I am 48 years of age and I do not believe I've done anything in my life that can be looked upon with praise. It is crazy, but I have truly led a worthless existence thus far. I suppose I'd be a prime candidate for a suicide bombing? I say that because I once read how suicide bombers are chosen and most have low self-esteem, but it was said as a joke.
I used to believe that no matter how down and out I was, good would always rear its head. Only lately have I thought that this may not be true with my freedom. I'm living as I am now because I do believe I will be free soon, but what if I'm not?
I'm so happy that things have worked themselves out with my latest misbehaviors for I was that close to accepting prison as my life. I know in the long run it falls upon my own self for 20 years from now Mr.Thieben probably won't be alive and neither will David and Linda. I will be (more than likely) and I'd be more alone then I am now.
I write to share my thoughts with others, but what if I don't have others to do this with? Hopefully I'm released from prison before I find this out!
Remember the movie/ book " The Green Mile"? The man kept growing older and older which was his punishment from God for allowing John Coffee to die! I feel like that character and I'm being punished for all that I did. I can't die for then I could no longer suffer. I truly believe this, but I wish I knew all that I was being punished for? If you didn't see the movie or read the book( by Stephen King) you must for is a great story!!
Have you ever heard of Salt Point, New York? Could you please check this on the Internet. I saw it mentioned somewhere and I'm trying to find out where it is? I would appreciate it.
I think it's in my family's DNA or genes to become estranged from other family members and think nothing of it! I know when my mother was in her 20s and her mother died she stopped talking to her father and sister and to this day (the father must be dead now) she does not talk to one sister. That is a grudge over 50 years old!
My stepfather didn't talk to his own brother for decades before he finally did, but my entire family isn't talking to one another and I think it's crazy. I believe a lot of members of my family will die lonely people. The grudges usually aren't about anything, but when a parent won't talk to their child I'd have to believe this reflects upon their parenting (I guess)?
I know you said family is not as important as people make it out to be and I especially believe this when you allow your thoughts to be dominated in a bad way. I've been alone for so long that I'm use to it, but it doesn't mean that I like it.
I think a lot of my aggression was a learned behavior from my stepfather! I noticed that I was the dominant one with the group I hung around with and my behaviors were the same as my stepfathers. It's a shame when you practice the behaviors that you detest so much. It's not hard to figure out why I didn't have many friends growing up and the ones I did have was sort of bought. Did I tell you this already?
I told you my stepfather used to smoke pot and sniffed cocaine? I'd go in his room and steal some and use it to lure people to my house to hang out and get high. I'm not sure if they wondered why I always wanted to stay in my backyard, but they wouldn't put up much of an argument because I always had the good coke and weed!
I was truly afraid of my stepfather, but I didn't improve with grades/ behavior in school yet I knew it brought me troubles at home. I've had psychologists tell me this was my way, of defying my stepfather, but I don't know if I believe that, but I wasn't stupid so if I did apply myself I know I could have improved on my grades.
Then, when I first begin my sentence and I ran into a problem in prison I reacted in an extreme and violent way hoping to be praised by my stepfather. I knew he'd find out and I wanted him to know I was a man and handled things as he did in an "aggressive" manner. Is that crazy or what? I hated him and I still wanted his praise (which I never seem to get).
Do you know my aunt (my stepfathers brothers wife) was robbed in her house at gunpoint in 1982, and she always thought it was me that robbed her? The person wore a ski mask and knocked on her door and when she answered, he robbed her. She had a feeling it was me and our relationship was already estranged, but that is insane for your aunt to think this about me especially when it is furthest from the truth.
The one aunt I was close to (my mother's sister) stopped writing to me sometime in 2001 or 2002 because she said I wrote her something nasty! It wasn't nasty, I was expressing my opinion in regards to something and she took it the wrong way. I am estranged from family on ALL sides!! I suppose I'm that crazy relative in prison for murder!
Do you know what I really wish? I'd love to be dropped in the middle of the wilderness somewhere and allow me to live off the land! That would truly be the life for me where I could sit in solitude and whittle away on a piece of wood!! I am serious- I'd love that.
I decided that if I'm denied parole in January/ 2014, I'm going to place an ad to meet others. I told you I got married doing this one time before. It's crazy? The last two women I fell in love with have both died in the last five years and both were 50 or younger!!Too young for anyone to die.
I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
April 9,2013
Dear Nelly,
I hope all is well with you once this letter is received? When I was given those reports (that were later dismissed) I was ever so close to accepting prison as my way of life. I was no longer going to think in a positive way and I was no longer going to 'turn the other cheek'. It is so much easier to live in a negative sense then to do good. The reason I bring this up is because I was that close to spending the rest of my life in prison! I bring it up because of the significance of how close I was throwing it ALL in.
I don't want to sound as if I was thinking of quitting on my life, but I'm just trying to point out how difficult it is in prison to stay on a positive path. Well, my streak is still going, I'm ready to mark off two straight years without a misbehavior report (my last report was made of 2011).
I'm just so happy that things worked out for me and it is truly things like this that leads me to believe there is a God that looks down upon me. There was no doubt Nelly, I was guilty as charged on these reports and the ONLY reason they were dismissed is because of a procedural error! You can believe I will watch my 'Ps and Qs' for the next eight months!
I know you and Mr.Thieben feel good about my chances in January /2014 and I just hope the two of you are right.
Again, I speak about it! The consequences for not doing positive is not gaining my freedom. If I didn't have people in my life such as you, Mr.Thieben, David, Linda, and Father Frank I'd have no one in society. It would be so easy then to accept prison as my way of life. It is all about still having HOPE within my heart and as I told you in the past, once one loses that HOPE- it is just so easy to accept this as a way of life. It's so hard to explain, but I was ever so close to throwing it all in, I am just so happy that things worked out.
You don't think it is important to tell about yourself in your letters, but I think it is! In order to get to know someone you must know some things about them. Look, I really don't see us hanging out in the same social groups, but I do see you as a friend that I'd like to stay in touch with once I'm released (as well). I just know friendships are so important especially when there are no strings attached, that is when you know it is a TRUE friendship.
Linda told me she has your phone number so I know she'll call you. She told me she looks forward to talking to you and please still call Father Frank for he is a great man as well. Linda also told me she has everything I've ever written if it could help you in any way. She told me she kept It in case I ever thought about writing my life story. I don't know, once I'm releasing I may just want to forget about these last 30+ years even though I may not be able to! I'd like to be able to use this experience in a positive way to deter others from repeating all that I have in life, sort of like a motivational speaker even though I didn't listen as a young teenager, if just one person listens, then it is worth it to me. I want to work in some capacity at Hope House for Father Frank and I think he'll give me the chance to do so. I mean, he has like 8 or 9 different group homes in the same vicinity and I know he does believe in me.
I have no doubts as far as employment goes for I have a lot of support in that area and the people I know have a lot of connections. Of course, I hope it is January/ 2014, but if it isn't I certainly think it will be the one right after that. I just feel that if I do my part by staying out of trouble, then things will soon work out to my advantage. I mean, it will be over 30 years which I can't believe in itself (myself)!!
Well, I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
I hope all is well with you once this letter is received? When I was given those reports (that were later dismissed) I was ever so close to accepting prison as my way of life. I was no longer going to think in a positive way and I was no longer going to 'turn the other cheek'. It is so much easier to live in a negative sense then to do good. The reason I bring this up is because I was that close to spending the rest of my life in prison! I bring it up because of the significance of how close I was throwing it ALL in.
I don't want to sound as if I was thinking of quitting on my life, but I'm just trying to point out how difficult it is in prison to stay on a positive path. Well, my streak is still going, I'm ready to mark off two straight years without a misbehavior report (my last report was made of 2011).
I'm just so happy that things worked out for me and it is truly things like this that leads me to believe there is a God that looks down upon me. There was no doubt Nelly, I was guilty as charged on these reports and the ONLY reason they were dismissed is because of a procedural error! You can believe I will watch my 'Ps and Qs' for the next eight months!
I know you and Mr.Thieben feel good about my chances in January /2014 and I just hope the two of you are right.
Again, I speak about it! The consequences for not doing positive is not gaining my freedom. If I didn't have people in my life such as you, Mr.Thieben, David, Linda, and Father Frank I'd have no one in society. It would be so easy then to accept prison as my way of life. It is all about still having HOPE within my heart and as I told you in the past, once one loses that HOPE- it is just so easy to accept this as a way of life. It's so hard to explain, but I was ever so close to throwing it all in, I am just so happy that things worked out.
You don't think it is important to tell about yourself in your letters, but I think it is! In order to get to know someone you must know some things about them. Look, I really don't see us hanging out in the same social groups, but I do see you as a friend that I'd like to stay in touch with once I'm released (as well). I just know friendships are so important especially when there are no strings attached, that is when you know it is a TRUE friendship.
Linda told me she has your phone number so I know she'll call you. She told me she looks forward to talking to you and please still call Father Frank for he is a great man as well. Linda also told me she has everything I've ever written if it could help you in any way. She told me she kept It in case I ever thought about writing my life story. I don't know, once I'm releasing I may just want to forget about these last 30+ years even though I may not be able to! I'd like to be able to use this experience in a positive way to deter others from repeating all that I have in life, sort of like a motivational speaker even though I didn't listen as a young teenager, if just one person listens, then it is worth it to me. I want to work in some capacity at Hope House for Father Frank and I think he'll give me the chance to do so. I mean, he has like 8 or 9 different group homes in the same vicinity and I know he does believe in me.
I have no doubts as far as employment goes for I have a lot of support in that area and the people I know have a lot of connections. Of course, I hope it is January/ 2014, but if it isn't I certainly think it will be the one right after that. I just feel that if I do my part by staying out of trouble, then things will soon work out to my advantage. I mean, it will be over 30 years which I can't believe in itself (myself)!!
Well, I'll close for now and until the next time, take very good care.
James
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
April 8,2013
Dear Nelly,
Truly I was lucky once again when the misbehavior reports were dismissed due to an error on the part of the administration. I hope this is a sign of good things to come in January/ 2014.
I really can't believe that I put myself in a position to get those reports when I've been trying so hard to watch my behavior, but someone has definitely been watching over me.
I spoke to David and Linda and they told me they found some things I wrote them years ago. Once they send the material to me I will send you the material so you can see my thoughts from then and until now.
I wasn't sure, but I had thought you were going to move to Manhattan and not keep your house in Rocky Point? I know it is a long commute, but is it worth it going from the city to Rocky Point?
I'm going to put together a collage of flowers for your office wall. I know you like flowers so I'll think of something. Even though I got past these misbehavior reports I'm still going to check into getting extensive therapy for it can't hurt and may just help me as a person and for the parole board.
I had told you that I begin doing some college studies with Mr. Thieben and Father Frank? I just want to do things to keep me busy, especially things that will help me in the long run. I'm also doing some algebra that a teacher here has been sending me.
Eventually, I will get a new TV and they cost $149 for a 13 inch flat screen color TV. I'll ask three or four different people to send me $30-$40. That isn't important right now. Have you found any time to snap some pictures? I know there are a lot of interesting sites in the city to take pictures of.
I do like self-help books and I try to take as much possible from each one that I read, but some just seem like the author was interested in making money. I like reading novels as well, especially if it is a good story. It is all about utilizing time and doing things that pass the days away. A good book does just that.
Whether they send me to a less secure prison I'm not, I don't know, but I will continue with a positive frame of mind for I know how important my freedom is.
Well, I just wanted to write you a short letter hoping all is well with you and until the next time, take very good care.
James
Truly I was lucky once again when the misbehavior reports were dismissed due to an error on the part of the administration. I hope this is a sign of good things to come in January/ 2014.
I really can't believe that I put myself in a position to get those reports when I've been trying so hard to watch my behavior, but someone has definitely been watching over me.
I spoke to David and Linda and they told me they found some things I wrote them years ago. Once they send the material to me I will send you the material so you can see my thoughts from then and until now.
I wasn't sure, but I had thought you were going to move to Manhattan and not keep your house in Rocky Point? I know it is a long commute, but is it worth it going from the city to Rocky Point?
I'm going to put together a collage of flowers for your office wall. I know you like flowers so I'll think of something. Even though I got past these misbehavior reports I'm still going to check into getting extensive therapy for it can't hurt and may just help me as a person and for the parole board.
I had told you that I begin doing some college studies with Mr. Thieben and Father Frank? I just want to do things to keep me busy, especially things that will help me in the long run. I'm also doing some algebra that a teacher here has been sending me.
Eventually, I will get a new TV and they cost $149 for a 13 inch flat screen color TV. I'll ask three or four different people to send me $30-$40. That isn't important right now. Have you found any time to snap some pictures? I know there are a lot of interesting sites in the city to take pictures of.
I do like self-help books and I try to take as much possible from each one that I read, but some just seem like the author was interested in making money. I like reading novels as well, especially if it is a good story. It is all about utilizing time and doing things that pass the days away. A good book does just that.
Whether they send me to a less secure prison I'm not, I don't know, but I will continue with a positive frame of mind for I know how important my freedom is.
Well, I just wanted to write you a short letter hoping all is well with you and until the next time, take very good care.
James
April 3,2013
Dear Nelly,
It's times like this that makes me believe there is a God!! All my misbehavior reports were dismissed due to timeliness! The prison messed up on my hearings which means there are still no blemishes on my record for January 2014. I feel so good and now I just have to work on getting a TV!
I'm wanted to write you a quick note giving you the news, so until next time, take good care.
James
It's times like this that makes me believe there is a God!! All my misbehavior reports were dismissed due to timeliness! The prison messed up on my hearings which means there are still no blemishes on my record for January 2014. I feel so good and now I just have to work on getting a TV!
I'm wanted to write you a quick note giving you the news, so until next time, take good care.
James
April 2,2013
Dear Nelly,
I'm sorry there has been a lapse in my writing, but some events took place that leave me shaking my head with feelings. Well, I'm not exactly sure, but?
I'm reminded of something you had asked me on our visit on October 26, 2012? You said, what happens if I run into difficulty in society as I do in prison? You were in question as to how it would be handled differently and though it is so hard for me to separate the two worlds, there is certainly a different mind frame for they are both different subcultures.
It such as one's behavior within a church as opposed to a barroom! You know the difference and what is accepted, but the question(s) I'm left to ask myself is how I could explode with such anger when I know the consequences with my future parole appearance.
I got into an explosive argument with an officer because they didn't open my recreation pen on time! I took it to the extreme where I had to be extracted from my cell and eventually taken to solitary confinement where I presently am. Sure, I should be back in my regular cell by the time you get this or soon after, but I now have that blemish on my record when I was doing so well. I smashed my TV and just went ballistic.
You know, I had stopped taking the medication (Prozac) they were giving me and I now question my own self-do I really need it that bad? Was it really helping me? I don't know, but I'm once again taking an increased dosage and then I don't know if I want to mention that to the parole commissioners for what if they wonder what I'd be like if I don't take the medications in society? I don't know, but I'll have it figured out by then (hopefully).
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realize this! If I didn't have the handful of people in society that care about me and place higher standards on me, I might have thrown in the towel and just accepted prison as a way of life. It sounds like I'm giving up the fight, but you really don't know how much easier it would be for me to just accept this.
No, I never told this to anyone, but you and that is because it is with you that I share my thoughts with (mainly)
What I'm trying to do now is to get into a mental health program here that has extensive counseling. In the 80s the office of mental health wanted me to participate in the program and today they tell me I don't fit the criteria! Why, because I'm able to put together a sentence and I'm articulate? Well, I'm in the process of writing people for I know I need help and counseling can't hurt! I'll let you know how it goes with my letter writing campaign.
I never realized that you were teacher with students? I guess I just pictured you in the lab doing your studies, but then I realize you also teach as you do these studies.
You know what really eats away at me? The fact that these C.O.s aren't penalized when they don't do their jobs! They write us up and we suffer, but when we write them up nothing changes, they still go home each and every day. This last episode will probably cost me another two years of my life and what could I do except think about 2016 now? I can't do a damn thing about it!
Mr. Thieben sent me some novels and I'm reading one that I know you'd enjoy! It's called," I Know This Much Is True" by Wally Lamb and it's about identical twins and one is schizophrenic. It is about the trials and tribulations of their lives. It is like 900 pages long, but it's really good. My problem is that I go through books too fast! I've read seven books in the last 10 days! When you are in the cell with nothing else to do it is easy to read a lot. Which reminds me, I'm sending everyone book orders and if there processed that's fine, if not? No big deal. If you want to go online the web address is www.Hamiltonbook.com.
Have you ever heard of " Lord of The Flies? It's a classic that most have read in school and I asked, if you come across, please hold it for me. I never read it and I'd like to.
You never mentioned whether or not you found your residence in Harlem? I'm happy that You Kept Your place in Rocky Point. I suppose I feel this way because of my connection to Rocky Point even though I've not been there in over 30 Years.
Your office sounds nice with great views, it's almost easy to forget that instead of spread out, property size is measured with how far into the sky a building goes. You don't have the same students with you (right)? You must gain a connection with students as well, so is that hard to change as well? What the students in Brookhaven lab are being taught by you- is there someone else that picks up where you left off?
I haven't spoken to David and Linda via the phone yet, but I can't wait for I know they will be excited to tell me what they think of you. I know you didn't mention Father Frank yet, but the last time I heard from him he told me he was a consulant for WCBS radio in regards to the Pope's resignation. I was just happy that you got in touch with David and Linda, they are two wonderful people.
I will definitely resume my writing once again and you will be kept abreast of what's going on with the last episode. Sure, I'll probably get another TV, but I'll wait to see what happens in January.Until then I will do a lot of reading. Something I really haven't done when I had my TV. There are a lot of classic books that I'd like to get to and I will do so now.
Did I tell you that Mr. Thieben and Father Frank are giving me college material to do via the mail? I had suggested to them that I'd like to learn more and they definitely thought it was a good idea. I'm doing history with Mr. Thieben and I haven't yet received anything from Father Frank. I don't care about credits or degrees, I just want to expand my knowledge, I just enjoy learning new things.
I also came in second place here in the prison in a Martin Luther King essay contest. I got a bronze nugget certificate- whoopie doo, right? I just thought what the hell, I'll submit my thoughts. I sent the certificate to be to be placed in my parole folder and the essay to David and Linda. They like receiving stuff like that.
It feels good to write you again and I didn't realize so much time has elapsed. It is like therapy for me to write you, I think I told you this before?
As I once said, if I send you an order form (as I do now) and you don't want to process it, just don't do it. Hell, I'll even take some novels that you and your husband already read. Just throw them in a manila envelope and mail them off (please).
I'll explain more about this present incident in my next letter, but I just wanted to reconnect after that lapse. It is unusual for me, but very common for you to let such a period of time elapse without writing. Anyway I'm back!!
Have you dusted the camera lens off and snapped any photos lately? Do you want anything else drawn? Let me know by sending me a picture of it off the computer, etc.. I like drawing so you aren't putting me out of the way.
I will write more later, so until the next time, take good care.
James
I'm sorry there has been a lapse in my writing, but some events took place that leave me shaking my head with feelings. Well, I'm not exactly sure, but?
I'm reminded of something you had asked me on our visit on October 26, 2012? You said, what happens if I run into difficulty in society as I do in prison? You were in question as to how it would be handled differently and though it is so hard for me to separate the two worlds, there is certainly a different mind frame for they are both different subcultures.
It such as one's behavior within a church as opposed to a barroom! You know the difference and what is accepted, but the question(s) I'm left to ask myself is how I could explode with such anger when I know the consequences with my future parole appearance.
I got into an explosive argument with an officer because they didn't open my recreation pen on time! I took it to the extreme where I had to be extracted from my cell and eventually taken to solitary confinement where I presently am. Sure, I should be back in my regular cell by the time you get this or soon after, but I now have that blemish on my record when I was doing so well. I smashed my TV and just went ballistic.
You know, I had stopped taking the medication (Prozac) they were giving me and I now question my own self-do I really need it that bad? Was it really helping me? I don't know, but I'm once again taking an increased dosage and then I don't know if I want to mention that to the parole commissioners for what if they wonder what I'd be like if I don't take the medications in society? I don't know, but I'll have it figured out by then (hopefully).
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realize this! If I didn't have the handful of people in society that care about me and place higher standards on me, I might have thrown in the towel and just accepted prison as a way of life. It sounds like I'm giving up the fight, but you really don't know how much easier it would be for me to just accept this.
No, I never told this to anyone, but you and that is because it is with you that I share my thoughts with (mainly)
What I'm trying to do now is to get into a mental health program here that has extensive counseling. In the 80s the office of mental health wanted me to participate in the program and today they tell me I don't fit the criteria! Why, because I'm able to put together a sentence and I'm articulate? Well, I'm in the process of writing people for I know I need help and counseling can't hurt! I'll let you know how it goes with my letter writing campaign.
I never realized that you were teacher with students? I guess I just pictured you in the lab doing your studies, but then I realize you also teach as you do these studies.
You know what really eats away at me? The fact that these C.O.s aren't penalized when they don't do their jobs! They write us up and we suffer, but when we write them up nothing changes, they still go home each and every day. This last episode will probably cost me another two years of my life and what could I do except think about 2016 now? I can't do a damn thing about it!
Mr. Thieben sent me some novels and I'm reading one that I know you'd enjoy! It's called," I Know This Much Is True" by Wally Lamb and it's about identical twins and one is schizophrenic. It is about the trials and tribulations of their lives. It is like 900 pages long, but it's really good. My problem is that I go through books too fast! I've read seven books in the last 10 days! When you are in the cell with nothing else to do it is easy to read a lot. Which reminds me, I'm sending everyone book orders and if there processed that's fine, if not? No big deal. If you want to go online the web address is www.Hamiltonbook.com.
Have you ever heard of " Lord of The Flies? It's a classic that most have read in school and I asked, if you come across, please hold it for me. I never read it and I'd like to.
You never mentioned whether or not you found your residence in Harlem? I'm happy that You Kept Your place in Rocky Point. I suppose I feel this way because of my connection to Rocky Point even though I've not been there in over 30 Years.
Your office sounds nice with great views, it's almost easy to forget that instead of spread out, property size is measured with how far into the sky a building goes. You don't have the same students with you (right)? You must gain a connection with students as well, so is that hard to change as well? What the students in Brookhaven lab are being taught by you- is there someone else that picks up where you left off?
I haven't spoken to David and Linda via the phone yet, but I can't wait for I know they will be excited to tell me what they think of you. I know you didn't mention Father Frank yet, but the last time I heard from him he told me he was a consulant for WCBS radio in regards to the Pope's resignation. I was just happy that you got in touch with David and Linda, they are two wonderful people.
I will definitely resume my writing once again and you will be kept abreast of what's going on with the last episode. Sure, I'll probably get another TV, but I'll wait to see what happens in January.Until then I will do a lot of reading. Something I really haven't done when I had my TV. There are a lot of classic books that I'd like to get to and I will do so now.
Did I tell you that Mr. Thieben and Father Frank are giving me college material to do via the mail? I had suggested to them that I'd like to learn more and they definitely thought it was a good idea. I'm doing history with Mr. Thieben and I haven't yet received anything from Father Frank. I don't care about credits or degrees, I just want to expand my knowledge, I just enjoy learning new things.
I also came in second place here in the prison in a Martin Luther King essay contest. I got a bronze nugget certificate- whoopie doo, right? I just thought what the hell, I'll submit my thoughts. I sent the certificate to be to be placed in my parole folder and the essay to David and Linda. They like receiving stuff like that.
It feels good to write you again and I didn't realize so much time has elapsed. It is like therapy for me to write you, I think I told you this before?
As I once said, if I send you an order form (as I do now) and you don't want to process it, just don't do it. Hell, I'll even take some novels that you and your husband already read. Just throw them in a manila envelope and mail them off (please).
I'll explain more about this present incident in my next letter, but I just wanted to reconnect after that lapse. It is unusual for me, but very common for you to let such a period of time elapse without writing. Anyway I'm back!!
Have you dusted the camera lens off and snapped any photos lately? Do you want anything else drawn? Let me know by sending me a picture of it off the computer, etc.. I like drawing so you aren't putting me out of the way.
I will write more later, so until the next time, take good care.
James
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
March 25,2013
Dear Nelly,
Truly I'm sorry that it has taken a while for me to respond to your last letter. While I was very happy to hear from you I unfortunately ran into some difficulties that I'm presently dealing with.
It certainly will make for some good writing when I do share such with you, but for now I must keep a level head while I deal with these reports. I did get myself into some trouble due to my explosive anger and I'm presently in solitary confinement right now. I don't want to voice what my sanctions may be for at times those things aren't as bad as they appear. You will definitely be informed within the next few weeks what it all looks like.
No, there was no violence with anyone else involved for I just handled an officer's immaturity with anger instead of thinking. I will explain more later, but I was so happy to receive your letter.
Truly it was good to hear that you finally connected with David and Linda! I told you they had two remarkable people.
It isn't that I don't like self-help books, I just didn't like the last two you sent, but I do appreciate all that you do. As a matter fact, I'm now reading everything I could get my hands on. Do you have any long Sagas laying around( that's not a joke). You don't always have to order books brand-new, if you could find a used bookstore to send them, that's fine as well, but I'm searching for classics(war and peace) or anything else you may think may be good.
I have a lot to say to you and I will in my next letter. You may be surprised to know that I recently changed my religion to now have a mission to hunt down those Nazis once I'm released. I'll tell you about this as well.
James
Truly I'm sorry that it has taken a while for me to respond to your last letter. While I was very happy to hear from you I unfortunately ran into some difficulties that I'm presently dealing with.
It certainly will make for some good writing when I do share such with you, but for now I must keep a level head while I deal with these reports. I did get myself into some trouble due to my explosive anger and I'm presently in solitary confinement right now. I don't want to voice what my sanctions may be for at times those things aren't as bad as they appear. You will definitely be informed within the next few weeks what it all looks like.
No, there was no violence with anyone else involved for I just handled an officer's immaturity with anger instead of thinking. I will explain more later, but I was so happy to receive your letter.
Truly it was good to hear that you finally connected with David and Linda! I told you they had two remarkable people.
It isn't that I don't like self-help books, I just didn't like the last two you sent, but I do appreciate all that you do. As a matter fact, I'm now reading everything I could get my hands on. Do you have any long Sagas laying around( that's not a joke). You don't always have to order books brand-new, if you could find a used bookstore to send them, that's fine as well, but I'm searching for classics(war and peace) or anything else you may think may be good.
I have a lot to say to you and I will in my next letter. You may be surprised to know that I recently changed my religion to now have a mission to hunt down those Nazis once I'm released. I'll tell you about this as well.
James
January 4,2013
Dear Nelly,
Sometime in November I had suggested that you may want to get in touch with my wife to find out more about me? On Christmas Eve my counselor and a priest informed me that she had passed away. They had some paperwork that was faxed from California from her son because he needed my permission to take control of the body.
Her and I were no longer close, but it is always sad when someone that you know dies. She was only 50 (so young) and they were unable to do an autopsy without my permission. I signed the papers for I don't want to complicate things for her children at a time like this. They found pain medications (OxyContin, Vicodin, and methadone) near her, but she did not use heroin the last time I saw her in 1997. I don't know, but I'm not hurt, just sad for her children (even though they are now in their 20s)and that her life ended so early. I'm good though and this is nothing like with Lise.
You should've gotten a few letters at your new digs(from me) by now? Are you now living in Harlem?
I don't think there is much of the difference between 16 and 18 except two years. I'm speaking in age, so the maturity level isn't all that different. At 17 you're a minor, but at18 you're an adult? It is the amount of years you been on this earth that determines this. It really should be one's maturity level, but I do laugh at these liberals who cry that little Johnny or Susie is just a baby and can't be sentenced to death for their crimes. At 16 I knew that killing someone was no more wrong at 18! I know any crime was wrong, so I don't think these things should be decided by the amount of years we've been alive, it should be decided by a person's maturity level. Hell, some 10-year-olds are more mature and smarter than some 20-year-olds so it can even be decided on intelligence. I just watched a movie called " Too Young To Die " and it led me to to the subject I just wrote about. I suppose it's an issue where there will always be two arguments and sense could be spoken from both sides. Just a few thoughts on that issue.
I can't spell the word to save my life, but I take it that you don't celebrate Xmas, you do a Hanaka??? You know what I mean? I wasn't sure.
I do not know in what way, but I suggest that you keep EVERY letter I ever write to you for they may be valuable one day. I do hope my popularity is in a positive way, but I plan on being a star. It is just from what side I do not know, you have some that considered John Gotti or Charles Manson stars for it depended on what side you were on and then Mother Teresa or the Pope were/are stars to others. Adam Lanza was a star in some deranged way to someone out there. I feel that I will be as well for I don't believe criminality, imprisonment, etc. Is my definition for life! It is a shame and to easy how all media make people famous for all the wrong reasons.
I'll make this short and until next time, take care.
James
Sometime in November I had suggested that you may want to get in touch with my wife to find out more about me? On Christmas Eve my counselor and a priest informed me that she had passed away. They had some paperwork that was faxed from California from her son because he needed my permission to take control of the body.
Her and I were no longer close, but it is always sad when someone that you know dies. She was only 50 (so young) and they were unable to do an autopsy without my permission. I signed the papers for I don't want to complicate things for her children at a time like this. They found pain medications (OxyContin, Vicodin, and methadone) near her, but she did not use heroin the last time I saw her in 1997. I don't know, but I'm not hurt, just sad for her children (even though they are now in their 20s)and that her life ended so early. I'm good though and this is nothing like with Lise.
You should've gotten a few letters at your new digs(from me) by now? Are you now living in Harlem?
I don't think there is much of the difference between 16 and 18 except two years. I'm speaking in age, so the maturity level isn't all that different. At 17 you're a minor, but at18 you're an adult? It is the amount of years you been on this earth that determines this. It really should be one's maturity level, but I do laugh at these liberals who cry that little Johnny or Susie is just a baby and can't be sentenced to death for their crimes. At 16 I knew that killing someone was no more wrong at 18! I know any crime was wrong, so I don't think these things should be decided by the amount of years we've been alive, it should be decided by a person's maturity level. Hell, some 10-year-olds are more mature and smarter than some 20-year-olds so it can even be decided on intelligence. I just watched a movie called " Too Young To Die " and it led me to to the subject I just wrote about. I suppose it's an issue where there will always be two arguments and sense could be spoken from both sides. Just a few thoughts on that issue.
I can't spell the word to save my life, but I take it that you don't celebrate Xmas, you do a Hanaka??? You know what I mean? I wasn't sure.
I do not know in what way, but I suggest that you keep EVERY letter I ever write to you for they may be valuable one day. I do hope my popularity is in a positive way, but I plan on being a star. It is just from what side I do not know, you have some that considered John Gotti or Charles Manson stars for it depended on what side you were on and then Mother Teresa or the Pope were/are stars to others. Adam Lanza was a star in some deranged way to someone out there. I feel that I will be as well for I don't believe criminality, imprisonment, etc. Is my definition for life! It is a shame and to easy how all media make people famous for all the wrong reasons.
I'll make this short and until next time, take care.
James
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Story written in 2012
THE OATH
We moved to Port Se' during the summer of '75 weeks after learning that dad would not be coming home from Vietnam.
Richie and I were just shy of our fifth birthday and out of them five years we remembered dad more from pictures than in person. We regretted the move, but were old enough to hide out displeasure's for mom needed all the support she could get now.
Mom felt the move would erase the pain she had. Each room of that apartment held the memory of dad and in order for us to move on in our lives mom felt we needed a fresh start.
Port Se', named after an explorer, was a small residential town on the North Shore of Long Island. It was the first time that Richie and I would be living in a house, compared to our 10th floor apartment in Manhattan.
The move did help for the three of us were busy learning about our new surroundings. While mom did minor repairs with me helping, Richie explored the neighborhood seeking the friends that mom promised would be plentiful.
I remember the words, so clearly, that mom spoke so many years before when we first moved to Port Se'," Regina, you and Richie are going to be so happy meeting friends that will shape your life."
Those words were spoken that bright sunny day in '75 while I helped mom with the minor repairs. Mom has since passed on, but the story isn't about mom. This is a story about my twin brother, Richard Mertz.
2.
Upon arriving in Port Se' Richie and I were silently voicing disgust by having to leave our friends behind. We never believed we'd find new friends and I think that was our biggest fear. How wrong we were for we met friends that would shape our lives just as mom said.
Richie did not have to venture far to meet other boys his age. He was not 100 feet into the new neighborhood and he already met a boy ( Tommy Dugan ) that was the same age as Richie.
The Dugans were a young couple who moved to Port Se' a few years before us. Tom and Nancy were high school sweethearts who moved to Port Se' to begin a family. Their expectations were high, but after Thomas, Junior they were content with one child.
Mom and I didn't see Richie for most of that afternoon and when he did finally come home, Tommy was with him.
Mom played the perfect hostess making Richie and Tommy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch while the two of them shared stories with one another. Mom and I stood listening because we would just as interested about Richie's new friend as Richie was.
From that day on them two five-year-old boys were inseparable and it would be this way for the next 13 1/2 years.
Richie forgot about his old friends in a heartbeat. The only friend he cared about was Tommy and if one had something, the other wanted the same thing.
Throughout the summer of '75 Richie helped ease mom's hurt with his childhood explorations. Mom could not be more happier mending scraped knees, bruised elbows, wiping runny noses, etc.. Of course that is only when Richie was close to home for most of his days were spent with Tommy running around the neighborhood.
As the years passed by birthdays came and went while Richie and Tommy grew closer. Throughout their school years they'd sit near one another in class, go out for the same sports, and find themselves within the same troubles. As they grew older, putting down their toys and moving on to the regular teenage activities, people used to tease that it was Richie and Tommy who were twins instead of Richie and I.
Mom never look to fill that void in her life so it did not help when Richie and I tried to get her to go out on dates. We knew she'd feel as if she'd be cheating dad even though it had been 12 years since his death.
I remember the time mom was finally getting rid of and finally putting to rest most of dad's belongings. Mom was about to throw out dad's collection of firearms, when Richie saw this he became irate for those guns were also his memories. He remembered as a child helping dad clean those guns even if they didn't need cleaning. It was a father and son moment that they both would want to remember. Richie's memory for when dad was away at war and dad's memory for when he had the moment in the jungles to reminisce.
Mom was skeptic, but she gave in once Richie promised to leave those guns locked in the glass case.
There weren't much smiles that creased mom's face, but the day Richie brought home Lillian, mom tripped over her own feet trying to be the good hostess. Of course Lillian's sister, Laura, was with Tommy. They did everything together.
The walls of our living room filled with pictures of graduations, proms, parties, and mom would stand in front of those pictures for hours telling Richie and I how happy dad would be.
Richie and Lillian was serious about one another making plans for the future, yet they were still in school. Nevertheless, they had great dreams for their future.
3.
One night while mom and I were getting ready to go shopping, the phone rang. It was a call that would change that happiness in our lives.
The only audible thing I could get out of mom was that we had to get to Port Se' General Hospital, Richie had some sort of accident.
Upon arriving at the hospital it wasn't a surprise to see Tommy. Mom wasn't able to focus on anything which explained her running from hospital room to hospital room screaming Richie's name. The last time I saw mom this frantic was when the government brought home the news about that.
During those tense hours the Dugan's, Tommy, Lillian, and Laura all sat with us awaiting the news from the doctors.
Tommy had already told us that he and Richie were walking home from baseball practice fooling around tossing pebbles at one another. Soon the pebbles grew to rocks in which one cracked three vertebrae in Richie's back. We soon learned that it would leave Richie paralyzed from the neck down. This was just short of Richie's 18th birthday and along with his paralysis, many changes were to follow.
During the months that Richie was in the hospital and rehabilitation Center mom had our whole house changed to accommodate a wheelchair. The steps to our house were now a ramp, the rugs were ripped up returning to the original wood floors, and every appliance had new adjustments made. Our whole home was changed to welcome Richie.
Richie was due home that Tuesday in the latter part of '88. Mom, me, Lillian, Laura, and Tommy had a surprise party awaiting Richie. The party didn't bring many smiles and a stranger would have recognized that Tommy wasn't up to helping us bring smiles to Richie's face. Tommy always seemed to, now, stand within the shadows instead of at Richie side. It was moments like these that we knew life with Richie would be different.
4.
That bright cherry faced teenager was gone and at first all of us figured Richie's gloomy mood would fizzle out. Each day we'd try another avenue to bring those smiles back, but Richie always asked us to, "let him be" and close the door on the way out.
Richie's bedroom was his fortress where his whole life existed. From that first day that he was wheeled out of the hospital he began severing his relationships.
It was hard on mom when he broke up with Lillian for mom already considered her a daughter-in-law. It hurt mom even more when he asked mom not to allow Lillian in the house again.
That's how the days followed with mom and I trying our best to bring back Richie's smiles while he slipped further and further away. We knew bringing those smiles back would be almost impossible, especially when Tommy ran from Richie's room and out the house crying. As Richie's inseparable boyhood friend was leaving, Richie was babbling incoherently over and over about some, "Oath!"
The days were hard and grew even harder as I neared the day I'd be leaving home to begin law school. Mom assured me all would change, but that day I said bye to Richie and mom I knew that Richie would never be the same. I couldn't stop crying as I was leaving, Richie just sat in his wheelchair staring out the window. Mom always tried to put a happy face on difficult situations, but I knew he'd never be that twin side of me sharing smiles again.
I received letters from him every week where she'd tell me that Richie changed. I knew this wasn't the case, but I didn't want mom's heart broken more then it already was. I was wrote back telling mom I knew he'd come around.
I buried myself in law school taking my mind off of the situation at home. I even met Mark who lifted me up on the days that I felt in one of those moods. I'd send pictures home to mom telling her that Richie had to approve of Mark for as children Richie told me I could not kiss a boy unless he met and approved of him. I don't know if mom ever showed him the pictures or if she did? What did he say? I was going to ask mom during our next conversation, but Ms. Dugan called to tell me that mom passed away that morning in her sleep.
They say natural causes was responsible for mom's death, but I believe it was finally heartbreak that she succumbed to.
Mark was there for me every minute and I don't think I would have made it without him for Richie was no help for he wouldn't even attend mom's funeral.
Once I arranged everything to suit Richie's needs, setting up a nurse to come daily, leaving all those important numbers near a computerized phone, I went back to college. Mark was a saint wanting to bring Richie with us, but I knew he'd never leave that room back in Port Se'.
Richie never left the house from the time he came home from the hospital seven years earlier. He'd be 25 on Thursday and it was his 25th birthday that Richie had finally escaped his world of darkness.
For many years after Richie's death I was devastated while at the same time holding a hatred for my twin side. Hour upon hour I'd sit staring out the window of my childhood home in Port Se'. Mark knew these were periods that I needed to myself. I didn't know if I'd ever received answers to my questions, but I had difficulty with weighing what answer I wanted more? Why did my twin not let all of us tear away his sadness or who was it that would murder a helpless person not able to defend himself?
Tomorrow Richie would had been 28 years old. Sitting here feeling angry with Richie, the police for letting my brother's murder go unsolved, and for myself with not letting the past rest giving my all to my husband and child, Richie Thomas Mertz.
I knew that there is a healing process with all wounds and one day I hope that my questions will be answered. I guess until then I continue to feel broken, understanding a little of what Richie felt throughout those seven years until a bullet took his life.
5.
" Mommy? Mommy, uncle Tommy is here with his unaform," I knew one day Richie would pronounce uniform correctly and more than likely he wouldn't be fascinated with uniformed people at that time.
Drying my hands with the dish towel I went to greet Tommy whose visits were less and less when my questions fell upon deaf ears pertaining to Richie's murder.
We greeted one another with a hug and a kiss. I could tell that Tommy was uneasy, but he'd been that way since Richie's accident, death, and now being the leading officer heading the murder investigation.
While Richie fussed with his toys on the floor in front of us, Tommy and I smiled with him. I knew we weren't about to sit here in the living room all day, but I was afraid what his visit was about. Before I had the chance to question his uneasiness and visit Tommy spoke, breaking his silence.
" Richie would have wanted you to be happy Regina," Tommy sat fidgeting with his tie while he spoke.
" We shared everything with one another. My life revolved around his and vice versa. Our childhood secrets, some were of silliness where years later we'd feel stupid thinking about them," tears streaked his face as he stared straight ahead looking at nothing. I knew that I shouldn't interrupt, for in his own time he'd finished.
"Regina, the oath wasn't one of them silly childhood secrets," Tommy began sobbing loudly as he stood. I went to comfort him, but he just grabbed my hands within his, placing an object in my hands. Watching him turn to leave, I tried to make sense of his visit.
I stood there for a long time while trying to make sense of childhood secrets,oaths, and Tommy's tears. I was in such a state of confusion that I almost forgot to look at what Tommy placed in my hands.
Opening my hands I just stared at the bright shiny key knowing that I now will be able to give all of myself to my family. Walking across the living room I reached up and slid the key within the keyhole of dad's gun case.
We moved to Port Se' during the summer of '75 weeks after learning that dad would not be coming home from Vietnam.
Richie and I were just shy of our fifth birthday and out of them five years we remembered dad more from pictures than in person. We regretted the move, but were old enough to hide out displeasure's for mom needed all the support she could get now.
Mom felt the move would erase the pain she had. Each room of that apartment held the memory of dad and in order for us to move on in our lives mom felt we needed a fresh start.
Port Se', named after an explorer, was a small residential town on the North Shore of Long Island. It was the first time that Richie and I would be living in a house, compared to our 10th floor apartment in Manhattan.
The move did help for the three of us were busy learning about our new surroundings. While mom did minor repairs with me helping, Richie explored the neighborhood seeking the friends that mom promised would be plentiful.
I remember the words, so clearly, that mom spoke so many years before when we first moved to Port Se'," Regina, you and Richie are going to be so happy meeting friends that will shape your life."
Those words were spoken that bright sunny day in '75 while I helped mom with the minor repairs. Mom has since passed on, but the story isn't about mom. This is a story about my twin brother, Richard Mertz.
2.
Upon arriving in Port Se' Richie and I were silently voicing disgust by having to leave our friends behind. We never believed we'd find new friends and I think that was our biggest fear. How wrong we were for we met friends that would shape our lives just as mom said.
Richie did not have to venture far to meet other boys his age. He was not 100 feet into the new neighborhood and he already met a boy ( Tommy Dugan ) that was the same age as Richie.
The Dugans were a young couple who moved to Port Se' a few years before us. Tom and Nancy were high school sweethearts who moved to Port Se' to begin a family. Their expectations were high, but after Thomas, Junior they were content with one child.
Mom and I didn't see Richie for most of that afternoon and when he did finally come home, Tommy was with him.
Mom played the perfect hostess making Richie and Tommy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch while the two of them shared stories with one another. Mom and I stood listening because we would just as interested about Richie's new friend as Richie was.
From that day on them two five-year-old boys were inseparable and it would be this way for the next 13 1/2 years.
Richie forgot about his old friends in a heartbeat. The only friend he cared about was Tommy and if one had something, the other wanted the same thing.
Throughout the summer of '75 Richie helped ease mom's hurt with his childhood explorations. Mom could not be more happier mending scraped knees, bruised elbows, wiping runny noses, etc.. Of course that is only when Richie was close to home for most of his days were spent with Tommy running around the neighborhood.
As the years passed by birthdays came and went while Richie and Tommy grew closer. Throughout their school years they'd sit near one another in class, go out for the same sports, and find themselves within the same troubles. As they grew older, putting down their toys and moving on to the regular teenage activities, people used to tease that it was Richie and Tommy who were twins instead of Richie and I.
Mom never look to fill that void in her life so it did not help when Richie and I tried to get her to go out on dates. We knew she'd feel as if she'd be cheating dad even though it had been 12 years since his death.
I remember the time mom was finally getting rid of and finally putting to rest most of dad's belongings. Mom was about to throw out dad's collection of firearms, when Richie saw this he became irate for those guns were also his memories. He remembered as a child helping dad clean those guns even if they didn't need cleaning. It was a father and son moment that they both would want to remember. Richie's memory for when dad was away at war and dad's memory for when he had the moment in the jungles to reminisce.
Mom was skeptic, but she gave in once Richie promised to leave those guns locked in the glass case.
There weren't much smiles that creased mom's face, but the day Richie brought home Lillian, mom tripped over her own feet trying to be the good hostess. Of course Lillian's sister, Laura, was with Tommy. They did everything together.
The walls of our living room filled with pictures of graduations, proms, parties, and mom would stand in front of those pictures for hours telling Richie and I how happy dad would be.
Richie and Lillian was serious about one another making plans for the future, yet they were still in school. Nevertheless, they had great dreams for their future.
3.
One night while mom and I were getting ready to go shopping, the phone rang. It was a call that would change that happiness in our lives.
The only audible thing I could get out of mom was that we had to get to Port Se' General Hospital, Richie had some sort of accident.
Upon arriving at the hospital it wasn't a surprise to see Tommy. Mom wasn't able to focus on anything which explained her running from hospital room to hospital room screaming Richie's name. The last time I saw mom this frantic was when the government brought home the news about that.
During those tense hours the Dugan's, Tommy, Lillian, and Laura all sat with us awaiting the news from the doctors.
Tommy had already told us that he and Richie were walking home from baseball practice fooling around tossing pebbles at one another. Soon the pebbles grew to rocks in which one cracked three vertebrae in Richie's back. We soon learned that it would leave Richie paralyzed from the neck down. This was just short of Richie's 18th birthday and along with his paralysis, many changes were to follow.
During the months that Richie was in the hospital and rehabilitation Center mom had our whole house changed to accommodate a wheelchair. The steps to our house were now a ramp, the rugs were ripped up returning to the original wood floors, and every appliance had new adjustments made. Our whole home was changed to welcome Richie.
Richie was due home that Tuesday in the latter part of '88. Mom, me, Lillian, Laura, and Tommy had a surprise party awaiting Richie. The party didn't bring many smiles and a stranger would have recognized that Tommy wasn't up to helping us bring smiles to Richie's face. Tommy always seemed to, now, stand within the shadows instead of at Richie side. It was moments like these that we knew life with Richie would be different.
4.
That bright cherry faced teenager was gone and at first all of us figured Richie's gloomy mood would fizzle out. Each day we'd try another avenue to bring those smiles back, but Richie always asked us to, "let him be" and close the door on the way out.
Richie's bedroom was his fortress where his whole life existed. From that first day that he was wheeled out of the hospital he began severing his relationships.
It was hard on mom when he broke up with Lillian for mom already considered her a daughter-in-law. It hurt mom even more when he asked mom not to allow Lillian in the house again.
That's how the days followed with mom and I trying our best to bring back Richie's smiles while he slipped further and further away. We knew bringing those smiles back would be almost impossible, especially when Tommy ran from Richie's room and out the house crying. As Richie's inseparable boyhood friend was leaving, Richie was babbling incoherently over and over about some, "Oath!"
The days were hard and grew even harder as I neared the day I'd be leaving home to begin law school. Mom assured me all would change, but that day I said bye to Richie and mom I knew that Richie would never be the same. I couldn't stop crying as I was leaving, Richie just sat in his wheelchair staring out the window. Mom always tried to put a happy face on difficult situations, but I knew he'd never be that twin side of me sharing smiles again.
I received letters from him every week where she'd tell me that Richie changed. I knew this wasn't the case, but I didn't want mom's heart broken more then it already was. I was wrote back telling mom I knew he'd come around.
I buried myself in law school taking my mind off of the situation at home. I even met Mark who lifted me up on the days that I felt in one of those moods. I'd send pictures home to mom telling her that Richie had to approve of Mark for as children Richie told me I could not kiss a boy unless he met and approved of him. I don't know if mom ever showed him the pictures or if she did? What did he say? I was going to ask mom during our next conversation, but Ms. Dugan called to tell me that mom passed away that morning in her sleep.
They say natural causes was responsible for mom's death, but I believe it was finally heartbreak that she succumbed to.
Mark was there for me every minute and I don't think I would have made it without him for Richie was no help for he wouldn't even attend mom's funeral.
Once I arranged everything to suit Richie's needs, setting up a nurse to come daily, leaving all those important numbers near a computerized phone, I went back to college. Mark was a saint wanting to bring Richie with us, but I knew he'd never leave that room back in Port Se'.
Richie never left the house from the time he came home from the hospital seven years earlier. He'd be 25 on Thursday and it was his 25th birthday that Richie had finally escaped his world of darkness.
For many years after Richie's death I was devastated while at the same time holding a hatred for my twin side. Hour upon hour I'd sit staring out the window of my childhood home in Port Se'. Mark knew these were periods that I needed to myself. I didn't know if I'd ever received answers to my questions, but I had difficulty with weighing what answer I wanted more? Why did my twin not let all of us tear away his sadness or who was it that would murder a helpless person not able to defend himself?
Tomorrow Richie would had been 28 years old. Sitting here feeling angry with Richie, the police for letting my brother's murder go unsolved, and for myself with not letting the past rest giving my all to my husband and child, Richie Thomas Mertz.
I knew that there is a healing process with all wounds and one day I hope that my questions will be answered. I guess until then I continue to feel broken, understanding a little of what Richie felt throughout those seven years until a bullet took his life.
5.
" Mommy? Mommy, uncle Tommy is here with his unaform," I knew one day Richie would pronounce uniform correctly and more than likely he wouldn't be fascinated with uniformed people at that time.
Drying my hands with the dish towel I went to greet Tommy whose visits were less and less when my questions fell upon deaf ears pertaining to Richie's murder.
We greeted one another with a hug and a kiss. I could tell that Tommy was uneasy, but he'd been that way since Richie's accident, death, and now being the leading officer heading the murder investigation.
While Richie fussed with his toys on the floor in front of us, Tommy and I smiled with him. I knew we weren't about to sit here in the living room all day, but I was afraid what his visit was about. Before I had the chance to question his uneasiness and visit Tommy spoke, breaking his silence.
" Richie would have wanted you to be happy Regina," Tommy sat fidgeting with his tie while he spoke.
" We shared everything with one another. My life revolved around his and vice versa. Our childhood secrets, some were of silliness where years later we'd feel stupid thinking about them," tears streaked his face as he stared straight ahead looking at nothing. I knew that I shouldn't interrupt, for in his own time he'd finished.
"Regina, the oath wasn't one of them silly childhood secrets," Tommy began sobbing loudly as he stood. I went to comfort him, but he just grabbed my hands within his, placing an object in my hands. Watching him turn to leave, I tried to make sense of his visit.
I stood there for a long time while trying to make sense of childhood secrets,oaths, and Tommy's tears. I was in such a state of confusion that I almost forgot to look at what Tommy placed in my hands.
Opening my hands I just stared at the bright shiny key knowing that I now will be able to give all of myself to my family. Walking across the living room I reached up and slid the key within the keyhole of dad's gun case.
Monday, February 25, 2019
Story written in 2012
GIST OF
Ain't but two things I know for certain! If I awaken tomorrow I'll eventually pass wind and this here lore I'm fitting to share with you...
Tessie, Georgia wasn't no bigger then a flea on a coon dog's ass an there ain't but two events events that could ever be forgotten by the folk here! Sure I know many beyond Tessies' 1463 inhabitants would state Tessie Georgias' claim to fame didn't even occur in Tessie. Well they all could shut their cocksuckers because I ain't referring to him!
You see some time ago there was this colored fella over there in Thelma or someplace sounding like it. I'm not big on history but I know this fella marched with other folk for rights of the rights of the coloreds. Tessie may be within a shout but that ain't of 'mportance to us folk.
That day in 1972 when old sheriff Clint Colton was dispatched out to Mabel Timmon's clapboard home on Route 17. Sheriff Colton loved to talk about that hot sticky and humid afternoon when if the thermometer was north of a century. You had to give Sheriff Colton time to tell it for not only did the fat have a tight grip on his heart it must've been squishing his lungs for his fat jiggly ass needed to catch a bit of oxygen between sentences.
Between intakes of air us town folk learnt there wouldn't be any of Mabel Timmon's Apple butter being had at the town's fair. You see Mabel's body was found on of living room floor and the only oxygen being had was from those maggots feasting on those big ol' titties Mabel had. I'm sure there were maggots dining on other parts but it always sount betta that her big 0l' titties were remembered.
Sheriff Colton also liked to say " ain't never seen such a hairy Bush! Bet your bottom dollar on." We all remember those particulars and that Mabel's neck was snapped like a wooden matchstick. There was some blood specks with there was some conflicting reports to whose blood it was?
Probably woulda been betta if Sheriff Colton couldn't intake oxygen at the time he let out that Deputy Miles got a nosebleed that dripped all over the place( even a few drops on that hairy Bush). Wasn't none of those three lettered blood tests back in those days otherwise they may have helped William Munder! None in these parts recognize that big Negro's real name for we all called him Shoe Top Willie.
Now that I introduced you to a bit about Tessie-. Let it be known ain't many folk like to be heard talking about Shoe Top Willie where others could hear. Shoe top Willie was bigger then many a myth, or that monster out in the dark of night. Most mommas warned their younguns about Shoe Top Willie coming to get them if they kept up the mischief's. Wasn't no boogie man except Shoe Top Willie! Shoe top Willie was legend in these parts and that big nigga grew bigger every year it would seem.
Remember that Tessie wasn't bigger then that flea on a coon dog's ass but for generations work was to be had up on 'The Hill'. That's what we all called Tessie state prison where many more monsters and boogie men spend their final days.
Wasn't much of a hill but it was enough for it to sit atop the valley where Tessie sat. The hill employed most of the town's men over the age of 21 and it was via these men that Shoe top Willie the subject of many a conversation.
The local congregating place for most of the week- 'xcept Sunday services- was George's tavern. It was usually here that whispers about Shoe Top Willie surfaced. No one could tell ya why 30 years after Shoe Top had been on The Hill that we continue to whisper, but Shoe Top was a big scary nigga.
Wasn't much talk about those conflicting reports( Deputy Myle's nosebleed ) yet if you let Sheriff Colton tell it? "It was just ol'fashioned police work that put Shoe Top Willie where he belongs". Not many gave a rat's ass that it may had been paint upon William Munder's shoe tops ( how he got his name ) but ol' Sheriff Colton wouldn't hear none of that horseshit and the first and last time it was brought up? "Now Buford, I don't know where you got that forensics knowledge, but you best close your damn bunghole about that paint!"
You should know there were also some whispered threats for it wasn't long ago that Buford Melton, all 47 years of 'em had his hand down the back of 12-year-old Jeannie Martin's cotton undies. So we never did hear anymore about that paint!
Of the 1463 inhabitants, about 300 or so were the coloreds who lived in a rundown section at the edge of town. Wasn't much of an uproar, but we heard some mumbling about,' those crackers raping our women just as they did in the slaving days'! Now they've gone and took Willie from us.
Those differences didn't last very long and the strained relations went on. None of it helped Shoe Top Willie much for 2002( 30 years past ) he still sat up on the hill. To the coloreds, there Willie was in injustice and to us, Shoe Top wouldn't be stopping anymore white woman's Apple butter being had at the state fair.
It was there in George's tavern that another bit of gossip was voiced by a disgruntled correction officer swallowing misery sitting on a bars tool after a shift on The Hill." Ol' Shoe Top got 'em self in 'notha jam that will more than likely have his ass frying in the chair," slurred Jethro Hobbs.
There never was much noise in George's, but it was so quiet you can hear a deer tick pass wind. Each and every patron had their ears pointed like one of those dishes on the roof for boob tube 'ception.
THE HILL
1700 hardened criminals are housed on the hill and 58% will never see the light of day except if they stare up past 35 foot wall that surrounded the prison.
Each had a different view of life on the inside. The officers," it's a jungle in there!" The few who had come out from occupying a cell state," it is a world of savages like no other!" I just have to tell you what another said," some men wanted to have sex with me".
Shoe top Willie wasn't only a legend amongst the townsfolk, within The Hill Shoe Top had his hand in just about every illegal activity. he also had another body part in things as well, but we won't jump ahead. You'd not find many that claimed he had an ounce of education, but Shoe Top certainly had Street sense.
Long before that fella, John coffee, walked the Green mile, Shoe Top occupied a cell in the worst block on The Hill ( B- block ). It was a block that had 500 of the worst lifers never to see society, the other 50 did stand the chance of release. Wasn't a day that ended without bloodshed or some other act of savagery. Men on The Hill measured toughness via scars inflicted or received.
Shoe top was a mountain of a man standing just north of 6'6" weighing 280 pounds with a 10% fat index. Most feared the sight of him, but for those blind to his size and stupid enough to run up against Shoe Top? Usually wouldn't be a pretty sight for shoe top always walked away while leaving a bloodied mess behind.
Most of the prison guards turned a blind eye to corruption behind the wall. As a matter of fact, the convicts were all told upon arrival," you niggas wanna kill each other's fine and dandy, but you touch one of us, will send you straight to hell!"
Many was sent today to hell, but Shoe Top certainly wasn't one of them for he introduced his own hell within B-Block. Wherever shoe top was seen whether in the cell block or on the yard, his two prison bitches, Salt( lighter of the two) and Pepper weren't far behind. No one 'cept Shoe Top knew if his his two bitches were bitches voluntarily or by force.
Wasn't a damn thing feminine about Salt or Pepper and they were dumber than a box of rocks. They were dense,but not stupid enough to ignore Shoe Top's beckoning. A few times Shoe Top had to put a heavy hand upside their heads, rattling whatever was within. One had to assume the boy's asshole's were as tight as a frog's ass for it certainly wasn't looks that attracted Shoe Top.
While many of the illegal activities took seed, many of the guards ' saw no evil' when certain wealths lined their pockets.
It is the way of the convicts to study the staff seeking out those that were corrupt to accept such riches. Riches rang from, some benjamins to eliminating another convict that is a thorn in the guard's sides.
One such officer, Jack "Snickers" White was a lifer as well, but he went home every day. Many officers were lifers, but "Snickers" put in 42 years and it was common knowledge that he knew no other life. Snickers came by his name via a sweet tooth the candy bar. A few Snicker went a long way with Jack "Snickers"white!
Many officers had corrupt relations with the convicts. Nothing for you dirty mind to wonder about, but when you're around one another for 2,3 or 4 decades, some form of relations develop. It was known who stood for what and how far of the law one would stray.
Those same convicts that were once judged by a jury, now pass judgment on their peers behind the wall. Before strength, toughness, or scars one is judged by the crime that landed them on The Hill. Most of those which sex crimes are considered the ' shit in a cesspool 'and these fellas travel a much different path than the other savages.
A sex offender must find his niche amongst the other convicts to ' lessen ' ( it'll never be eliminated in full ) the forms of abuses that will rain upon him. An asshole stuffed by a train of hard cocks isn't foreign to a sex offender and many will seek out the biggest swordsman to service for protection.
Morton " fat cat " Purvis was an obese despicable pedophile who violated 22 children before being apprehended. Fat cat has spent the past 26 years in B- block right alongside Shoe Top. There was no like between the two, but a mutual understanding was found. That understanding was that "peace " would be shown by Shoe Top and fat cat would do all that he could for Shoe Top.
If it could be said there were smart convicts? Fat Cat Fit the bill. Before his violations of those 22 children, he was as happy as those flies on Mabel Timmon's hairy bush. You see, his grade school teaching position enabled him to diddle in the undies of those little Boys and Girls.
Convicts with a bit of sense usually retained " choice " jobs within the prison. Fat Cat was the B- block clerk giving him free run of the entire cell block. He was the first to see new fish coming in and he also had access to their commitment papers. This is where Fat Cat's services kept Shoe Top up off his fat ass. Fat Cat would let Shoe Top know when a tasty looking boy arrived and the information on that commitment.
It was only the past week Fat Cat let Shoe Top know about the pretty little frail blond haired boy up in cell 4302 -B that newly arrived. Shoe Top ain't said much usually, but at this particular time," How pretty?" Shoe Top asked.
Fat Cat's face gleamed with excitement like children on Christmas morning. In the whispered frenzy of merriment Fat Cat said," Mighty delicious if you wanna know, Shoe."
Shoe Top felt like raining blows upon him for the sickening drooling etched on Fat Cat's face, but he curbed his anger for he knew there'd be further use of him.
The possibility that Shoe Top thought that blondie's balloon knot (tell me an asshole doesn't look like a balloon?) Would be any different than Salt or Pepper's stood. I couldn't see any other reason for Shoe Top making his way up to cell 4302-B.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, let it be known that " hands had to wash one another" and Jack "Snickers" White would be seeking his wealth. Wouldn't be enough to bring one candy bar, so it can be said that Blondie's sex only cost three snicker bars( at least that was the cost thus far). Transactions were completed and you'd think Jack "Snickers" White was about to do cartwheels as well.
Snickers waited till Shoe Top waved his hand before releasing the lock on cell 4302-B before heading to the John. Snicker's excitement wasn't just for those three candy bars for he also had the latest issue of "Tasty Little Harlots" . Hell, Mrs. White's dusty ol' cunny was as dry as a desert and Snickers didn't mind the sensations of his own hand.
Elements of surprise occur and knowing this, Shoe Top had his two dumb bitches play chickie outside of cell 4302 - B. Didn't take much for as soon as that cell door opened, Shoe Top stepped in and cuffed that Blond haired boy upside the head. You could see the boy was rattled and dazed from Shoe Top's assault. The blow to the right side of his head dislodged the hearing aid in his left ear, as it flew out bouncing off the wall and to the floor.
The boys muffled cries were dampened from his face being pushed into the mattress as soon as Shoe Top brutally violated the boys poop chute. One would guess it was good for Shoe Top for he didn't last very long. Business was done and as Shoe Top buttoned up his trousers, he turned to leave.
Adding insult to injury ( wasn't only semen leaking out that boy's stinker for I ain't ever seen none that was red) Shoe Top stepped on Blondie's hearing aid on the way out. He wouldn't be able to hear or even sit now.
As Shoe Top walked away from cell 4302-B his two dummies followed asking the in unison," was he good Willie?" A low grunt was the only answer given.
Incidents like this were an everyday occurrence on The Hill and as the new arrivals were told,..." they didn't give a rats ass what you did to one another!" Days went on for time doesn't stop for nuttin'.. More pretty little asses were violated, more took their last breaths, corruption ran rampant, and snicker bars were exchanged. Ain't Much that stops the movement and monotony of prison and life did go on, Richard Falcone would attest to that much no matter how much his asshole hurt.
Richard Falcone was not a talkative man and quite frankly, he never, in his lifetime, was. One may speculate that there blond haired boy in cell 4302-B was damaged behind the incident, but he was a loner in society as well. Richard Falcone spoke when he needed to and there wasn't nothing else but him to speak about.
Falcone didn't look to spend his eight years in his cell and he knew he'd all get past that incident with Shoe Top. Falcone did a lot of sitting back and studying just as we all do. It was wise to know the main players and who to meet to get what was needed. Prison was one big flea market with wares of all sorts being sold. From cigarettes, fermented hooch, weapons, books or whatever else one may need to adjust and make their lives easier as time is served.
Falcone was a plumber by trade before entering prison and that experience landed him an elite position. With close to 2000 toilets for inmates and officers alike, Mr. Falcone could always be seen with a plunger, monkey wrench, and snake( to go down in the pipes). Falcone had more movement within the prison than any other convict. Some days he'd be in the cell blocks, administration building, the warden's living quarters( on prison grounds) and the courthouse which is adjacent to the prison wall. Toilets and sinks needed attention daily.
It wasn't very often, but a few times Falcone was even seen conversating with Salt and Pepper. It was rare for he'd only do so when Shoe Top was concentrating on something else.
A lot of men who are sexually abused in prison continue these activities voluntarily. 'Birds of a feather flock together', but that ain't to say Falcone was continuing to have sexual activities. Those that are able to move around the prison are valuable source to those that conduct illegal activities such as drugs. You only expect so much from guards, so Falcone was relied upon to bring drugs from one area to another. Usually such a source is able to sample a product as payment for his muling.
Falcone was not a drug user, but every now and then he'd accept some to barter with. For the past three days movement of the drugs was halted due to Falcone coming down with some sort of virus. You see, when a toilet or sink were more than clogged and one needed to get to the pipe you had to enter a narrow tunnel behind the cells. This tunnel was called the pipe chase and it was a damp, dusty, and wet area that was a common place to find rodents such as rats( not the two legged kind).The prison tried to get rid of them with traps and poisons, but for everyone that died 20 were born.
It appeared that Falcone breathed in or somehow ingested some of that poison when he was at work. Wasn't enough for more than a virus, so he would back to moving drugs on the fourth day of his sickness.
Upon entering each cell block it was an officer's duty to check the convict for contraband and just as he entered B-Block? " How you doing this morning Mr. White?" Falcone asked Snickers while at the same time pulling the latest issue of " Tasty Teens" from inside his shirt.
"Whats that you got there Falcone?" Snickers asked as he reached for the magazine. Once it was in his hands and he opened it to see young flesh, he looked up and stated,"You wanted something else Falcone?"
Falcone was no dummy and he learned the habits of the guards in as well as the convicts. So you see, no contraband search that they.
As Falcone was walking onto a tier of cells Fat Cat was exiting and he stopped," morning Mr. Falcone", Fat Cat said with a smile. Falcone knew all about Fat Cat and his slimy ways, but he also knew the uses of the piece of dirt!
" Good morning to you as well. Listen here Cat, you heading on down to three-tier?" Falcone asked.
" Something I do for you?" Fat Cat Said while knowing one favor asked would get one returned. It is the way of the world inside or out.
"Just wanted to have you drop something off to Salt and Pepper if you could?" Falcone knew that he would for he knew pedophiles would please in any way that they could. It was another way for them to have the smooth way instead of being abused.
"Sure could Mr. Falcone. Also, while you're making your way about the prison, I'd sure 'ppreciate some old newspapers laying around," Falcone already knew Fat Cat liked doing the daily crosswords.
" No problem buddy. Here you go, each name is on the kite. Let them know Gary sent it," Falcone stated. A kite is a prison definition of a letter for a lot use to say ' I'll fly a kite to you' and if guards heard, he'd have no idea what they meant. Just another step ahead of the officers and when they begin to learn the jargon, it was time for a change of language. Salt and Pepper new Falcone is Gary.
Now you see, life on The Hill wasn't all violence for life was lived while doing time. People adjust and you must find the best way to forget about that time.
The novelty of Richard Falcone grew old as others found other novelties as new fish arrived. You put a new coat of paint on the wall and for a minute it is noticed, but then it gets old. Same as a new face on The Hill.
Many convicts on The Hill were alone in the world, inside and out. Some were fortunate to receive packages from loved ones beyond the wall.You know Snickers head to get his sweet tooth sweetened some way. It was also another way to barter with your fellow peers.
Fat Cat almost pissed himself with excitement when Falcone handed him a jumbo Dell magazine of crosswords. It would appear that fat cat wasn't use to receiving gifts from others as Falcone stated," you do for me and I do for you, Cat. ."
You'd be amazed how time seems to fly even in such a confined space. Doesn't matter that some days is stagnant and your left to wallow in the mire of depression. Tomorrow will come and before you know it, the months turn into years and for "all", you get closer to death and for some your time on the hill grows closer to an end.
No ending here yet, but we are growing close to endings for some and beginnings for others. I'd say it is a shame that all of you could see what is coming, but Shoe Top Willie hasn't a clue! Ol' shoe never did seem to get a fair shake in life and more than likely he didn't see them big ol' titties that Mabel Timmons was blessed with. Life seems to be like that for many, many see worse. Some bouts of shitty luck last, but a minute; while others are a continuation.
Ain't none of us know what would've been if Buford Melton didn't diddle in Jeannie Martin's undies? Would he has said it was paint and there'd be no Shoe Top in front of Willie's name?
Well, some things happen for a reason and if it all ain't happen exactly as it has? Well, you all wouldn't have learned of Shoe Top Willie and the rest of the story.
Lights are out on The Hill and things are quiet for the night as the convicts close their eyes. It is said this is one way to escape prison for short time, sleep.
GEORGE'S TAVERN
I wish I could tell you there wasn't a dry eye in George's After Jethro Hobbs made mention of Shoe Top Willie's demise! I believe the only one who may have shed a tear is that slow fella that made sandwiches for the patrons. Hell, ain't seen many that could cut up an onion without a tear.
Jethro Hobbs was taken his sweet ol' time before he went on. Maybe he felt important for once and had someone to listen to 'em. Tommy the bartender even refilled his Beer( on the house) to get him going. Jethro knew he'd have us hanging onto each word with his mention of Shoe Top.
" God damned fool snapped an' kilt his two bitches! Don't know much d'tails yet- the two were callt Salt and Pepper," paused Jethro.
A bunch of voiced questions came at once for most of us didn't know Shoe Top had wimin on The Hill.
" Not wimin ya fools! Shoe Top's little pansies doing the Lord's sin with one 'nutter," said Jethro as he shook his head as if were all stupid or something.
You remember that fat ugly woman used to be on TV? I believe the name would be Rosie O'Dowd or O'Donnell? Now you can picture the next next voice to speak." When I was no more than a breeding woman, Daddy's brother committed such a sin," said Shirlene Dobson.
"That right? Shoe Top ain't did it same as that wimin with them big ol' titties," before Hobbs could finish a few voiced Mabel Timmons' name.
Many would argue hair color, forget her name even, but none of us forgot those big ol' titties. It looked like we'd know d'tails soon enough and Tessie, Georgia would be jumping once again. We knew most of us wouldn't fit into that ol' barn that was now the courthouse. It didn't much matter for we'd get the gist of it here in George's.
I know I said I'd not talk anymore about it, but Tessie ain't jumped much that I know about. Before we ever heard about Shoe Top, it was that colored fella who marched for the rights of colored Boys and Girls. Damned if I was able to remember that fella's name! I leant' over to Earl Vatt to ask if he remembered?
Earl Vatt been on this earth 97 years and half of those years he could be found here in George's every happy hour. You had to shout for Earl to hear for it was going as he grew old. Today was a little louder than usual with news of Shoe Top Willie
"You is a dimwit, ain't ya' boy? That fella ya' talkin' 'bout marchin' is the same fella who freed OJ out west somewhere," said Earl as he went back to his piss warm beer.
DIES IRAE
I don't believe anyone in Tessie, Georgia realized how big an event Shoe Top's trial was to be! There was folks showing up that made a name in other parts of the states that I was just learning 'bout myself. It seemt' like those big names always had some alphabetical letters after their names. One of them was some lawyers that was a civil something or other. I think L. S.U. or U C. L. A. Or close to that for I recall an L and the U. They felt Shoe Top Willie needed their representation.
I didn't care for that Yankee fella' that called 'emself a Reverend.He always seemt' to show up in places where a colored was wronged.Maybe he should try showing up for a redneck to show me he's a real man of faith.Ya' hear me Reverend Al?
Tessie Supreme Criminal Court sat adjacent to the prison wall, so it ain't got much sunshine which made it seem dismal. Had a few of those boys from The Hill out and about tidying the place up while the guard with a shotgun hoped one would act rabbit. Wouldn't matter how many coats of paint was put on it, I'd always remember it for " Dale's Barn- Hay and Feed." Only had one judge for as long as I remember and I believe it was Judge Stuart Brown that sent Shoe Top to The Hill the first time.
Judge Brown was certainly taken in the moment for he was out on the town in this Sunday's best. He seemt' to believe all the businesses were to give him free stuff and he was letting his britches get a little too big if you ask me. Judge Brown was on all channels during the evening news and that fella' Jimmy Kimmel got to calling him a hay seed! I don't think Stewie like that much and put out a warrant on 'em if he ever stepped foot in Tessie.
I always had a thing for that woman who used to be on one of those mornin' news shows. Ann Curry was her name and I wonder if she realized the amount of goo I squirted watching her?Hell,I ruint' a scarf momma was knittin' and I remember I told her it was mayo from a sandwich. I don't know if momma believed me for she didn't say anything after tasting it. Mommas are weird like that. Well, Ms. Curry came into George's earlier ' to get a pulse on Tessie ' is what she said. I was speechless and only wish I had said something. I couldn't stand up for I had half a Woody and it just wouldn't have been right. That was the scene
No, not my Woody! I'm talking about the happenin's in Tessie. Shoe Top Willie didn't want a trial by jury, so he would have judge Brown decide his fate.
Those first couple of days we learnt' ol' Shoe poisoned Salt and Pepper with some heroin. No one knew where shoe Top Willie came across heroin, but a few more bags of the heroin laced with the poison was found in Shoe Top's cell.
Sure, Shoe Top tried hiding it, but it was found wedged between his toilet and wall. Only the officers or the plumber could had did it and none of them were coming forward to accuse 'emself.
Wasn't much of a defense except when Shoe Top broke down expressing how much he loved them two boys. That there opened up a big can of worms for everyone 'bout fell about that court room laughing.
The media played Shoe Top's statement on all the news channels, "William Munder claims he couldn't had taken the life of Salt and Pepper because he loved them!" All the late-night shows ran off with that in their openings as well. David Letterman said," I loved Salt and Pepper as well, but if you spoke about hot and butter? I might be guilty as well!"
So it when! We even had some sort of civil rights issues as well- with the freedom to love who you want. Shoe Top wasn't going to fry in the chair for Judge Brown said he doesn't believe in capital punishment. It took the fun out of the sentencing for there wasn't an element of surprise- that is, until sentencing day.
SENTENCE DAY
It would seem Shoe Top Willie had the deck stacked against him throughout life? That may be so, but he ain't the only one in life this could be said about. Depending on what you believe, what it is that dictates how our lives will turn out? Some say," God has a plan for all of us." Do we have any say in this plan?
Shoe Top had many who advocated for him, but maybe those many could never be enough, maybe it's that simple!" What goes around comes around." Ain't no plan at all.
Many serving time have a totally different set of thoughts than one who is free. We all need answers to all that happens. You hear many who just chalk it up to, I'm being punished now for all the wrong I didn't get caught for! Is that just an easy answer because you have no clue whatsoever as to why you been shit on throughout life?
In all reality there ain't many that give two shits about Shoe Top Willie or the millions of others behind bars! If people want to care about someone and wonder why things happen, wonder about that innocent little child who was snuffed out? Can't keep wondering why ugly happens to people for we'd go on all day with it
Judge Brown ain't allowing it to go on all day for he certainly was rewarded via Shoe Top Willie. It would seem the popularity he gained with all the media attention secured him a coffee date with a fine young lady.
It was my duty to make sure all the water pitchers were filled for all attorneys and Shoe Top 'emself.
As Judge Brown was sentencing Shoe Top Willie to a life sentence to be spent in solitary confinement, without any human contact whatsoever...
Shoe Top Willie realized two things as he lifted his cup to drink some water? One was that he was thankful for " gag reflex " for it stopped him from swallowing that mangled hearing aid that was in his water. The second thing he realized as he stared into my eyes, "won't be violating another soul in his lifetime."
Ain't but two things I know for certain! If I awaken tomorrow I'll eventually pass wind and this here lore I'm fitting to share with you...
Tessie, Georgia wasn't no bigger then a flea on a coon dog's ass an there ain't but two events events that could ever be forgotten by the folk here! Sure I know many beyond Tessies' 1463 inhabitants would state Tessie Georgias' claim to fame didn't even occur in Tessie. Well they all could shut their cocksuckers because I ain't referring to him!
You see some time ago there was this colored fella over there in Thelma or someplace sounding like it. I'm not big on history but I know this fella marched with other folk for rights of the rights of the coloreds. Tessie may be within a shout but that ain't of 'mportance to us folk.
That day in 1972 when old sheriff Clint Colton was dispatched out to Mabel Timmon's clapboard home on Route 17. Sheriff Colton loved to talk about that hot sticky and humid afternoon when if the thermometer was north of a century. You had to give Sheriff Colton time to tell it for not only did the fat have a tight grip on his heart it must've been squishing his lungs for his fat jiggly ass needed to catch a bit of oxygen between sentences.
Between intakes of air us town folk learnt there wouldn't be any of Mabel Timmon's Apple butter being had at the town's fair. You see Mabel's body was found on of living room floor and the only oxygen being had was from those maggots feasting on those big ol' titties Mabel had. I'm sure there were maggots dining on other parts but it always sount betta that her big 0l' titties were remembered.
Sheriff Colton also liked to say " ain't never seen such a hairy Bush! Bet your bottom dollar on." We all remember those particulars and that Mabel's neck was snapped like a wooden matchstick. There was some blood specks with there was some conflicting reports to whose blood it was?
Probably woulda been betta if Sheriff Colton couldn't intake oxygen at the time he let out that Deputy Miles got a nosebleed that dripped all over the place( even a few drops on that hairy Bush). Wasn't none of those three lettered blood tests back in those days otherwise they may have helped William Munder! None in these parts recognize that big Negro's real name for we all called him Shoe Top Willie.
Now that I introduced you to a bit about Tessie-. Let it be known ain't many folk like to be heard talking about Shoe Top Willie where others could hear. Shoe top Willie was bigger then many a myth, or that monster out in the dark of night. Most mommas warned their younguns about Shoe Top Willie coming to get them if they kept up the mischief's. Wasn't no boogie man except Shoe Top Willie! Shoe top Willie was legend in these parts and that big nigga grew bigger every year it would seem.
Remember that Tessie wasn't bigger then that flea on a coon dog's ass but for generations work was to be had up on 'The Hill'. That's what we all called Tessie state prison where many more monsters and boogie men spend their final days.
Wasn't much of a hill but it was enough for it to sit atop the valley where Tessie sat. The hill employed most of the town's men over the age of 21 and it was via these men that Shoe top Willie the subject of many a conversation.
The local congregating place for most of the week- 'xcept Sunday services- was George's tavern. It was usually here that whispers about Shoe Top Willie surfaced. No one could tell ya why 30 years after Shoe Top had been on The Hill that we continue to whisper, but Shoe Top was a big scary nigga.
Wasn't much talk about those conflicting reports( Deputy Myle's nosebleed ) yet if you let Sheriff Colton tell it? "It was just ol'fashioned police work that put Shoe Top Willie where he belongs". Not many gave a rat's ass that it may had been paint upon William Munder's shoe tops ( how he got his name ) but ol' Sheriff Colton wouldn't hear none of that horseshit and the first and last time it was brought up? "Now Buford, I don't know where you got that forensics knowledge, but you best close your damn bunghole about that paint!"
You should know there were also some whispered threats for it wasn't long ago that Buford Melton, all 47 years of 'em had his hand down the back of 12-year-old Jeannie Martin's cotton undies. So we never did hear anymore about that paint!
Of the 1463 inhabitants, about 300 or so were the coloreds who lived in a rundown section at the edge of town. Wasn't much of an uproar, but we heard some mumbling about,' those crackers raping our women just as they did in the slaving days'! Now they've gone and took Willie from us.
Those differences didn't last very long and the strained relations went on. None of it helped Shoe Top Willie much for 2002( 30 years past ) he still sat up on the hill. To the coloreds, there Willie was in injustice and to us, Shoe Top wouldn't be stopping anymore white woman's Apple butter being had at the state fair.
It was there in George's tavern that another bit of gossip was voiced by a disgruntled correction officer swallowing misery sitting on a bars tool after a shift on The Hill." Ol' Shoe Top got 'em self in 'notha jam that will more than likely have his ass frying in the chair," slurred Jethro Hobbs.
There never was much noise in George's, but it was so quiet you can hear a deer tick pass wind. Each and every patron had their ears pointed like one of those dishes on the roof for boob tube 'ception.
THE HILL
1700 hardened criminals are housed on the hill and 58% will never see the light of day except if they stare up past 35 foot wall that surrounded the prison.
Each had a different view of life on the inside. The officers," it's a jungle in there!" The few who had come out from occupying a cell state," it is a world of savages like no other!" I just have to tell you what another said," some men wanted to have sex with me".
Shoe top Willie wasn't only a legend amongst the townsfolk, within The Hill Shoe Top had his hand in just about every illegal activity. he also had another body part in things as well, but we won't jump ahead. You'd not find many that claimed he had an ounce of education, but Shoe Top certainly had Street sense.
Long before that fella, John coffee, walked the Green mile, Shoe Top occupied a cell in the worst block on The Hill ( B- block ). It was a block that had 500 of the worst lifers never to see society, the other 50 did stand the chance of release. Wasn't a day that ended without bloodshed or some other act of savagery. Men on The Hill measured toughness via scars inflicted or received.
Shoe top was a mountain of a man standing just north of 6'6" weighing 280 pounds with a 10% fat index. Most feared the sight of him, but for those blind to his size and stupid enough to run up against Shoe Top? Usually wouldn't be a pretty sight for shoe top always walked away while leaving a bloodied mess behind.
Most of the prison guards turned a blind eye to corruption behind the wall. As a matter of fact, the convicts were all told upon arrival," you niggas wanna kill each other's fine and dandy, but you touch one of us, will send you straight to hell!"
Many was sent today to hell, but Shoe Top certainly wasn't one of them for he introduced his own hell within B-Block. Wherever shoe top was seen whether in the cell block or on the yard, his two prison bitches, Salt( lighter of the two) and Pepper weren't far behind. No one 'cept Shoe Top knew if his his two bitches were bitches voluntarily or by force.
Wasn't a damn thing feminine about Salt or Pepper and they were dumber than a box of rocks. They were dense,but not stupid enough to ignore Shoe Top's beckoning. A few times Shoe Top had to put a heavy hand upside their heads, rattling whatever was within. One had to assume the boy's asshole's were as tight as a frog's ass for it certainly wasn't looks that attracted Shoe Top.
While many of the illegal activities took seed, many of the guards ' saw no evil' when certain wealths lined their pockets.
It is the way of the convicts to study the staff seeking out those that were corrupt to accept such riches. Riches rang from, some benjamins to eliminating another convict that is a thorn in the guard's sides.
One such officer, Jack "Snickers" White was a lifer as well, but he went home every day. Many officers were lifers, but "Snickers" put in 42 years and it was common knowledge that he knew no other life. Snickers came by his name via a sweet tooth the candy bar. A few Snicker went a long way with Jack "Snickers"white!
Many officers had corrupt relations with the convicts. Nothing for you dirty mind to wonder about, but when you're around one another for 2,3 or 4 decades, some form of relations develop. It was known who stood for what and how far of the law one would stray.
Those same convicts that were once judged by a jury, now pass judgment on their peers behind the wall. Before strength, toughness, or scars one is judged by the crime that landed them on The Hill. Most of those which sex crimes are considered the ' shit in a cesspool 'and these fellas travel a much different path than the other savages.
A sex offender must find his niche amongst the other convicts to ' lessen ' ( it'll never be eliminated in full ) the forms of abuses that will rain upon him. An asshole stuffed by a train of hard cocks isn't foreign to a sex offender and many will seek out the biggest swordsman to service for protection.
Morton " fat cat " Purvis was an obese despicable pedophile who violated 22 children before being apprehended. Fat cat has spent the past 26 years in B- block right alongside Shoe Top. There was no like between the two, but a mutual understanding was found. That understanding was that "peace " would be shown by Shoe Top and fat cat would do all that he could for Shoe Top.
If it could be said there were smart convicts? Fat Cat Fit the bill. Before his violations of those 22 children, he was as happy as those flies on Mabel Timmon's hairy bush. You see, his grade school teaching position enabled him to diddle in the undies of those little Boys and Girls.
Convicts with a bit of sense usually retained " choice " jobs within the prison. Fat Cat was the B- block clerk giving him free run of the entire cell block. He was the first to see new fish coming in and he also had access to their commitment papers. This is where Fat Cat's services kept Shoe Top up off his fat ass. Fat Cat would let Shoe Top know when a tasty looking boy arrived and the information on that commitment.
It was only the past week Fat Cat let Shoe Top know about the pretty little frail blond haired boy up in cell 4302 -B that newly arrived. Shoe Top ain't said much usually, but at this particular time," How pretty?" Shoe Top asked.
Fat Cat's face gleamed with excitement like children on Christmas morning. In the whispered frenzy of merriment Fat Cat said," Mighty delicious if you wanna know, Shoe."
Shoe Top felt like raining blows upon him for the sickening drooling etched on Fat Cat's face, but he curbed his anger for he knew there'd be further use of him.
The possibility that Shoe Top thought that blondie's balloon knot (tell me an asshole doesn't look like a balloon?) Would be any different than Salt or Pepper's stood. I couldn't see any other reason for Shoe Top making his way up to cell 4302-B.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, let it be known that " hands had to wash one another" and Jack "Snickers" White would be seeking his wealth. Wouldn't be enough to bring one candy bar, so it can be said that Blondie's sex only cost three snicker bars( at least that was the cost thus far). Transactions were completed and you'd think Jack "Snickers" White was about to do cartwheels as well.
Snickers waited till Shoe Top waved his hand before releasing the lock on cell 4302-B before heading to the John. Snicker's excitement wasn't just for those three candy bars for he also had the latest issue of "Tasty Little Harlots" . Hell, Mrs. White's dusty ol' cunny was as dry as a desert and Snickers didn't mind the sensations of his own hand.
Elements of surprise occur and knowing this, Shoe Top had his two dumb bitches play chickie outside of cell 4302 - B. Didn't take much for as soon as that cell door opened, Shoe Top stepped in and cuffed that Blond haired boy upside the head. You could see the boy was rattled and dazed from Shoe Top's assault. The blow to the right side of his head dislodged the hearing aid in his left ear, as it flew out bouncing off the wall and to the floor.
The boys muffled cries were dampened from his face being pushed into the mattress as soon as Shoe Top brutally violated the boys poop chute. One would guess it was good for Shoe Top for he didn't last very long. Business was done and as Shoe Top buttoned up his trousers, he turned to leave.
Adding insult to injury ( wasn't only semen leaking out that boy's stinker for I ain't ever seen none that was red) Shoe Top stepped on Blondie's hearing aid on the way out. He wouldn't be able to hear or even sit now.
As Shoe Top walked away from cell 4302-B his two dummies followed asking the in unison," was he good Willie?" A low grunt was the only answer given.
Incidents like this were an everyday occurrence on The Hill and as the new arrivals were told,..." they didn't give a rats ass what you did to one another!" Days went on for time doesn't stop for nuttin'.. More pretty little asses were violated, more took their last breaths, corruption ran rampant, and snicker bars were exchanged. Ain't Much that stops the movement and monotony of prison and life did go on, Richard Falcone would attest to that much no matter how much his asshole hurt.
Richard Falcone was not a talkative man and quite frankly, he never, in his lifetime, was. One may speculate that there blond haired boy in cell 4302-B was damaged behind the incident, but he was a loner in society as well. Richard Falcone spoke when he needed to and there wasn't nothing else but him to speak about.
Falcone didn't look to spend his eight years in his cell and he knew he'd all get past that incident with Shoe Top. Falcone did a lot of sitting back and studying just as we all do. It was wise to know the main players and who to meet to get what was needed. Prison was one big flea market with wares of all sorts being sold. From cigarettes, fermented hooch, weapons, books or whatever else one may need to adjust and make their lives easier as time is served.
Falcone was a plumber by trade before entering prison and that experience landed him an elite position. With close to 2000 toilets for inmates and officers alike, Mr. Falcone could always be seen with a plunger, monkey wrench, and snake( to go down in the pipes). Falcone had more movement within the prison than any other convict. Some days he'd be in the cell blocks, administration building, the warden's living quarters( on prison grounds) and the courthouse which is adjacent to the prison wall. Toilets and sinks needed attention daily.
It wasn't very often, but a few times Falcone was even seen conversating with Salt and Pepper. It was rare for he'd only do so when Shoe Top was concentrating on something else.
A lot of men who are sexually abused in prison continue these activities voluntarily. 'Birds of a feather flock together', but that ain't to say Falcone was continuing to have sexual activities. Those that are able to move around the prison are valuable source to those that conduct illegal activities such as drugs. You only expect so much from guards, so Falcone was relied upon to bring drugs from one area to another. Usually such a source is able to sample a product as payment for his muling.
Falcone was not a drug user, but every now and then he'd accept some to barter with. For the past three days movement of the drugs was halted due to Falcone coming down with some sort of virus. You see, when a toilet or sink were more than clogged and one needed to get to the pipe you had to enter a narrow tunnel behind the cells. This tunnel was called the pipe chase and it was a damp, dusty, and wet area that was a common place to find rodents such as rats( not the two legged kind).The prison tried to get rid of them with traps and poisons, but for everyone that died 20 were born.
It appeared that Falcone breathed in or somehow ingested some of that poison when he was at work. Wasn't enough for more than a virus, so he would back to moving drugs on the fourth day of his sickness.
Upon entering each cell block it was an officer's duty to check the convict for contraband and just as he entered B-Block? " How you doing this morning Mr. White?" Falcone asked Snickers while at the same time pulling the latest issue of " Tasty Teens" from inside his shirt.
"Whats that you got there Falcone?" Snickers asked as he reached for the magazine. Once it was in his hands and he opened it to see young flesh, he looked up and stated,"You wanted something else Falcone?"
Falcone was no dummy and he learned the habits of the guards in as well as the convicts. So you see, no contraband search that they.
As Falcone was walking onto a tier of cells Fat Cat was exiting and he stopped," morning Mr. Falcone", Fat Cat said with a smile. Falcone knew all about Fat Cat and his slimy ways, but he also knew the uses of the piece of dirt!
" Good morning to you as well. Listen here Cat, you heading on down to three-tier?" Falcone asked.
" Something I do for you?" Fat Cat Said while knowing one favor asked would get one returned. It is the way of the world inside or out.
"Just wanted to have you drop something off to Salt and Pepper if you could?" Falcone knew that he would for he knew pedophiles would please in any way that they could. It was another way for them to have the smooth way instead of being abused.
"Sure could Mr. Falcone. Also, while you're making your way about the prison, I'd sure 'ppreciate some old newspapers laying around," Falcone already knew Fat Cat liked doing the daily crosswords.
" No problem buddy. Here you go, each name is on the kite. Let them know Gary sent it," Falcone stated. A kite is a prison definition of a letter for a lot use to say ' I'll fly a kite to you' and if guards heard, he'd have no idea what they meant. Just another step ahead of the officers and when they begin to learn the jargon, it was time for a change of language. Salt and Pepper new Falcone is Gary.
Now you see, life on The Hill wasn't all violence for life was lived while doing time. People adjust and you must find the best way to forget about that time.
The novelty of Richard Falcone grew old as others found other novelties as new fish arrived. You put a new coat of paint on the wall and for a minute it is noticed, but then it gets old. Same as a new face on The Hill.
Many convicts on The Hill were alone in the world, inside and out. Some were fortunate to receive packages from loved ones beyond the wall.You know Snickers head to get his sweet tooth sweetened some way. It was also another way to barter with your fellow peers.
Fat Cat almost pissed himself with excitement when Falcone handed him a jumbo Dell magazine of crosswords. It would appear that fat cat wasn't use to receiving gifts from others as Falcone stated," you do for me and I do for you, Cat. ."
You'd be amazed how time seems to fly even in such a confined space. Doesn't matter that some days is stagnant and your left to wallow in the mire of depression. Tomorrow will come and before you know it, the months turn into years and for "all", you get closer to death and for some your time on the hill grows closer to an end.
No ending here yet, but we are growing close to endings for some and beginnings for others. I'd say it is a shame that all of you could see what is coming, but Shoe Top Willie hasn't a clue! Ol' shoe never did seem to get a fair shake in life and more than likely he didn't see them big ol' titties that Mabel Timmons was blessed with. Life seems to be like that for many, many see worse. Some bouts of shitty luck last, but a minute; while others are a continuation.
Ain't none of us know what would've been if Buford Melton didn't diddle in Jeannie Martin's undies? Would he has said it was paint and there'd be no Shoe Top in front of Willie's name?
Well, some things happen for a reason and if it all ain't happen exactly as it has? Well, you all wouldn't have learned of Shoe Top Willie and the rest of the story.
Lights are out on The Hill and things are quiet for the night as the convicts close their eyes. It is said this is one way to escape prison for short time, sleep.
GEORGE'S TAVERN
I wish I could tell you there wasn't a dry eye in George's After Jethro Hobbs made mention of Shoe Top Willie's demise! I believe the only one who may have shed a tear is that slow fella that made sandwiches for the patrons. Hell, ain't seen many that could cut up an onion without a tear.
Jethro Hobbs was taken his sweet ol' time before he went on. Maybe he felt important for once and had someone to listen to 'em. Tommy the bartender even refilled his Beer( on the house) to get him going. Jethro knew he'd have us hanging onto each word with his mention of Shoe Top.
" God damned fool snapped an' kilt his two bitches! Don't know much d'tails yet- the two were callt Salt and Pepper," paused Jethro.
A bunch of voiced questions came at once for most of us didn't know Shoe Top had wimin on The Hill.
" Not wimin ya fools! Shoe Top's little pansies doing the Lord's sin with one 'nutter," said Jethro as he shook his head as if were all stupid or something.
You remember that fat ugly woman used to be on TV? I believe the name would be Rosie O'Dowd or O'Donnell? Now you can picture the next next voice to speak." When I was no more than a breeding woman, Daddy's brother committed such a sin," said Shirlene Dobson.
"That right? Shoe Top ain't did it same as that wimin with them big ol' titties," before Hobbs could finish a few voiced Mabel Timmons' name.
Many would argue hair color, forget her name even, but none of us forgot those big ol' titties. It looked like we'd know d'tails soon enough and Tessie, Georgia would be jumping once again. We knew most of us wouldn't fit into that ol' barn that was now the courthouse. It didn't much matter for we'd get the gist of it here in George's.
I know I said I'd not talk anymore about it, but Tessie ain't jumped much that I know about. Before we ever heard about Shoe Top, it was that colored fella who marched for the rights of colored Boys and Girls. Damned if I was able to remember that fella's name! I leant' over to Earl Vatt to ask if he remembered?
Earl Vatt been on this earth 97 years and half of those years he could be found here in George's every happy hour. You had to shout for Earl to hear for it was going as he grew old. Today was a little louder than usual with news of Shoe Top Willie
"You is a dimwit, ain't ya' boy? That fella ya' talkin' 'bout marchin' is the same fella who freed OJ out west somewhere," said Earl as he went back to his piss warm beer.
DIES IRAE
I don't believe anyone in Tessie, Georgia realized how big an event Shoe Top's trial was to be! There was folks showing up that made a name in other parts of the states that I was just learning 'bout myself. It seemt' like those big names always had some alphabetical letters after their names. One of them was some lawyers that was a civil something or other. I think L. S.U. or U C. L. A. Or close to that for I recall an L and the U. They felt Shoe Top Willie needed their representation.
I didn't care for that Yankee fella' that called 'emself a Reverend.He always seemt' to show up in places where a colored was wronged.Maybe he should try showing up for a redneck to show me he's a real man of faith.Ya' hear me Reverend Al?
Tessie Supreme Criminal Court sat adjacent to the prison wall, so it ain't got much sunshine which made it seem dismal. Had a few of those boys from The Hill out and about tidying the place up while the guard with a shotgun hoped one would act rabbit. Wouldn't matter how many coats of paint was put on it, I'd always remember it for " Dale's Barn- Hay and Feed." Only had one judge for as long as I remember and I believe it was Judge Stuart Brown that sent Shoe Top to The Hill the first time.
Judge Brown was certainly taken in the moment for he was out on the town in this Sunday's best. He seemt' to believe all the businesses were to give him free stuff and he was letting his britches get a little too big if you ask me. Judge Brown was on all channels during the evening news and that fella' Jimmy Kimmel got to calling him a hay seed! I don't think Stewie like that much and put out a warrant on 'em if he ever stepped foot in Tessie.
I always had a thing for that woman who used to be on one of those mornin' news shows. Ann Curry was her name and I wonder if she realized the amount of goo I squirted watching her?Hell,I ruint' a scarf momma was knittin' and I remember I told her it was mayo from a sandwich. I don't know if momma believed me for she didn't say anything after tasting it. Mommas are weird like that. Well, Ms. Curry came into George's earlier ' to get a pulse on Tessie ' is what she said. I was speechless and only wish I had said something. I couldn't stand up for I had half a Woody and it just wouldn't have been right. That was the scene
No, not my Woody! I'm talking about the happenin's in Tessie. Shoe Top Willie didn't want a trial by jury, so he would have judge Brown decide his fate.
Those first couple of days we learnt' ol' Shoe poisoned Salt and Pepper with some heroin. No one knew where shoe Top Willie came across heroin, but a few more bags of the heroin laced with the poison was found in Shoe Top's cell.
Sure, Shoe Top tried hiding it, but it was found wedged between his toilet and wall. Only the officers or the plumber could had did it and none of them were coming forward to accuse 'emself.
Wasn't much of a defense except when Shoe Top broke down expressing how much he loved them two boys. That there opened up a big can of worms for everyone 'bout fell about that court room laughing.
The media played Shoe Top's statement on all the news channels, "William Munder claims he couldn't had taken the life of Salt and Pepper because he loved them!" All the late-night shows ran off with that in their openings as well. David Letterman said," I loved Salt and Pepper as well, but if you spoke about hot and butter? I might be guilty as well!"
So it when! We even had some sort of civil rights issues as well- with the freedom to love who you want. Shoe Top wasn't going to fry in the chair for Judge Brown said he doesn't believe in capital punishment. It took the fun out of the sentencing for there wasn't an element of surprise- that is, until sentencing day.
SENTENCE DAY
It would seem Shoe Top Willie had the deck stacked against him throughout life? That may be so, but he ain't the only one in life this could be said about. Depending on what you believe, what it is that dictates how our lives will turn out? Some say," God has a plan for all of us." Do we have any say in this plan?
Shoe Top had many who advocated for him, but maybe those many could never be enough, maybe it's that simple!" What goes around comes around." Ain't no plan at all.
Many serving time have a totally different set of thoughts than one who is free. We all need answers to all that happens. You hear many who just chalk it up to, I'm being punished now for all the wrong I didn't get caught for! Is that just an easy answer because you have no clue whatsoever as to why you been shit on throughout life?
In all reality there ain't many that give two shits about Shoe Top Willie or the millions of others behind bars! If people want to care about someone and wonder why things happen, wonder about that innocent little child who was snuffed out? Can't keep wondering why ugly happens to people for we'd go on all day with it
Judge Brown ain't allowing it to go on all day for he certainly was rewarded via Shoe Top Willie. It would seem the popularity he gained with all the media attention secured him a coffee date with a fine young lady.
It was my duty to make sure all the water pitchers were filled for all attorneys and Shoe Top 'emself.
As Judge Brown was sentencing Shoe Top Willie to a life sentence to be spent in solitary confinement, without any human contact whatsoever...
Shoe Top Willie realized two things as he lifted his cup to drink some water? One was that he was thankful for " gag reflex " for it stopped him from swallowing that mangled hearing aid that was in his water. The second thing he realized as he stared into my eyes, "won't be violating another soul in his lifetime."
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