Dear Nelly,
I've always liked drawing and I remember as a kid entering the contest that was always in the T.V. guide,DRAW TIPPY.Of course,everybody who entered was good and was told we should all apply to the enclosed art school.I kept drawing and thought I was getting fairly good.I use to do it as a hustle in here makin g greeting cards and drawing things other inmates wanted for their wife,girlfriend,or children.The most enjoyed picture I liked drawing was that of Jesus Christ.I feel that most are able to connect with a picture of Jesus Christ and all that he represents.
Who is exactly interested in a case study involving me?Where does it go,who reads it,and for what?No,it really doesn't concern me for I'm just intertested in what population reads it?Is it the medical community,scientists,etc. who then come up with solutions on how to stop certain behaviors?It just interests me to who in the world is concerned with this stuff?I hope someone of substance reads it and then contacts you asking to get in touch with me and we begin a beautiful friendship that will last a life time fot then I won't have to stress over if I'll soon be alone in this world?
Mr.Thieben is in his 80s,David & Linda in their 60s,and Father Frank is in his 60s.I don't know what you call a relationship with a priest?And I honestly don't know who you are to me?Nothing was ever promised and you never led me on to believe this or that.I know you were ki nd enough to send me money and while money certainly helps me for I have none.There is much more important to me than money and while I believe with the right type of attire I could fit in with any group.I only seek my mental void of lonliness to be stimulated.
I suppose I am afraid to be left with nothing outside of this subculture except strangers.I know there are 1000s in here,but nothing beyond a passing glance for I'm not looking to befriend a convict.There is nothing I could ever trust within another convict except for the fact that one day he'll prove there is no substance whatsoever to him and all that I did learn?I'm not sure what to believe!I know I'm not the ONLY trustworthy convict,but I only look to be trustworthy with a person beyond these walls.I really don't want nothing from within for sooner or later the perception of what was believed will be!Shattered like a fragile egg shell.It's a fact that I don't need to experience to know it's a fact.I don't need to touch a flame to know I'll be burned.
I suppose I'm afraid to leave to leave life being only seen as an inmate in prison.I don't want that,but it doesn't mean I'll be anything more.I will punch,kick,scratch,etc. putting up every fight left in my body to gain my freedom,but at times I believe I'm fighting invisible persons who really don't give two shits(excuse my language)about who James William Morgan is!
You have two inmates!One who is a model prisoner that has 30 years in prison and doesn't have a blemish on his record.Not even a simple infraction for passing gas loudly and he has been hit at the parole board 10 times and you have me who has new charges for stabbing inmates and every other violent act there is and I've now been denied parole 7 times.They can and it would be a blessing to be denied with anything less than 24 months.Truly I mean this,but it is almost as if I serve years in prison to see how many times I'll be denied parole?
I am a walking headache to the prison administration all the way up the totem pole to Central Office at 1220 Washington Avenue(all the important suit & ties that run the system).Though I only have one minor infraction in the past 3 years,I truly believe I'd have to go 10 more years without an infraction to have a shot at parole.I hope I'm not right with that accessment and though I just don't know?It is THIS that stops me from reaching and striking out to murder another inmate.When I lose belief in that HOPE,I am going to murder someone!
I once said I didn't know if I could trust you and you never gave me an indication for or against,but I have truly felt that at times(I'm tearing up right now)I want to murder someone to have a reason and cause for having spent the last 29 years in prison for I shouldn't have been here this long for something I did not mean to do.I think this is the first time I have cried since Mr.Thieben's daughter died.
I don't know if I cry out of anger,hurt,sadness for what I am,where I am or the possibility that one day this hope will escape my grasp as to where I'm only clutching air.I know I can easily murder another inmate without any hesitation for the hatred within my heart.Not hatred because they are responsible for me being imprisoned,but hatred for having to live within a subculture that is so cold that I'd rather death then to prove to the few that do believe in me that I am more than what my stepfather has always called me,"A fuck up!"who is a "Waste of life!"
I don't live for myself,I live for the select few who have believed in my potential and I don't want to let them down as I have been let down for most of my life.You shouldn't have to be the receiver of all my plights,fears,worries,etc.,but at times I feel I must write what I feel to make sense of anything.I do not ever want to be a burden to you or anyone else for that matter,but at times I feel lost within thought and I must continue getting it out for myself to make sense of it.Usually,I will try to keep some thoughts and feelings within the confines of my own mind for I don't believe you being kind enough to write me calls for you having to be my sounding board.Truly I do apologize if I at times make you feel such.
It is times like this that I feel as if a lone blossom would feel if it sprouted up on a sandy tract of beach.I think that blossom would continue to reach to the skies with growth for it can't lose hope that another seedling will sprout up nearby,erasing it's lonliness.That beach is a wide expanse of ocean itself,it is an ocean of sand and every which way it is desolate,nothing but wasted space that this lone beautiful blossom shares alone.
There are just some people I feel shouldn't be subjected to the ugliness within my life.It doesn't mean I think any less of a person over another.Take Linda for instance,she went blind(completely)in her mid-teens and she has NEVER expressed sadness for not being able to see.I feel sadness for her because I wish she could see.She is that beautiful of a person that I'd only want the best for and I would never seek to bring her a bit of my sadness.I don't want you to form a picture or belief about David & Linda with what I say and it isn't my business ,nor should I have the audacity to express feelings/beliefs,but Linda is the one who shovels her driveway when it snows!David is an obese who may possibly have heart attack if he exerted himself trying to shovel,but Linda is blind.I always think of that in the back of my mind when I talk to him on the phone.I don't know why I share this with you,but maybe I'm the only one that feels this way or sees an oddity with it.
I don't like doing like doing so in a woman's presence so excuse me for cursing in this letter earlier.
I had to take a nap for I felt drained.I get like that at times and a short nap in my cocoon is the remedy.Just as when I was a child(I told you this before)awaiting a beating from my stepfather,I'd cover myself from head to toes with the blanket.At 47 years old I still find comfort in doing this and I can't sleep any other way unless it is unbearably hot!So my days in a cocoon ALL started from my corner of the world.That is what I thought of my bedroom!I don't know if you ever been on Violet Road,but our house sat at the top of a steep hill and my bedroom overlooked our neighbor's house on one side and the road behind our house.I was able to look down onto Willow Road to Yucca Rd. and Locust Drive.It was the corner of my world because I spent much of my life in that room looking out both windows wishing I was a part of all the lives I saw.
I've been writing to Clinton Corr. Fac. inquiring about my T.V. and the Deputy Superintendent of Security wrote me and said I never legally obtained a T.V. while in Clinton!It is an out & out lie and I must now go through the hassles of proving such.There are documents that prove when I bought it and so forth,but it's the principle of me having to go ahead and write for ALL this stuff and nothing will be done(behind the lie)to that Deputy Superintendent of Security.
You could believe I will write(I already started)everyone in Albany.For the last two months I've been nothing but a headache to them for Clinton Corr. Fac. had to give the Commissioner of Corrections a daily report while I wasn't eating.They will not want me to act up(I won't anyway,but they don't know this)with not eating again and they don't want me unsettled.I'm cool and I will keep my fighting on paper.
I'm too stubborn to pay $147.00 for an 8" flat screen color T.V. when my $78.00 13" black & white was better on my eyes(I wear reading glasses)and I will write complaint after complaint until I see I have no wins and only then will I write Mr.Thieben,David&Linda,&Father Frank for $50.00 each to get the color T.V..
That was my parting gift from Clinton Corr. Fac. for #1.-I proved them wrong after they told me 'I wasn't going to be allowed to dictate when I'd be transferred' and two days later I was out of there and #2.-All three of the misbehavior reports were made to disappear by Albany because they wanted me to eat and they appeased me.Well the Deputy Superintendent of Security is the one who told me I wouldn't be transferred and it's this punk that sent the enclosed letter.
I told you that they have no problem killing someone in Clinton Corr. Fac. and easily get away with it.When it was "Court Ordered" to force feed me the Judge ordered that it was to be video taped and sound recorded each & every time they entered my hospital room.I knew and ANY time one of them made a comment I didn't like I let them know about it and at times I had them shaken with anger because they couldn't do anything to me with that video recorder going.Telling the Superintendent & the Deputy superintendent of security off is like you going to the person in charge of all of Brookhaven National Labortory and spitting in their face.You could believe Nelly that I let them have it for in the beginning they talked a lot of crap thinking after 2-3 days I'd fold like most do(I was the only inmate to be force fed in Clinton in the last 30 years).Well,after weeks thet were offering me Subway heros,Kentucky fried chicken,and everything else that is considered exotic to inmates.Their whole demeanor changed where they more or less were begging me to eat.
You see,Albany wanted answers as to why one of their inmates wasn't eating?No Superintendent wants to be speechless to a suit & tie from Albany almost as if they can't run their own prison.
They even tried sending the Deputy Superintendent of Administration,Ms.Debbie Keysor,to talk to me.She is definitely easy on the eyes,but her seductive tone didn't get me biting on her,"Take these candy bars and I won't say anything as she leaned closer making sure I smelled her perfume and even touching my arm with her fingertips.None of it worked and I knew I now had them where they were running around like chickens with their heads cut off.Like you don't let a shark smell blood-you don't show an inmate any weakness-you just don't do it.
Sure,they got their jabs in one time when the Korean doctor ALL of a sudden couldn't insert the tube down my throat and into my stomach.I felt like I was choking to death for you must remember that I'm in five point restraints and can't do anything,but talk.I cursed that doctor out,but the staff in Clinton stood behind the camera snickering.They got the last laugh for NOW!For now because I'm writing everyone & their mothers and Clinton is going to answer when Albany inquires about my T.V..
The evenings are starting to get chilly.I use to write a woman in Jerusalem.I don't remember the address,but I know her husband was in some choir that sang for the military over there.At the time I think it cost me 2 stamps to write her,it might have been back in 2002.
Do you think time heals all wounds because that person is no longer around to keep making memories and the old ones just start to fade away where you only begin to remember bits & pieces?I suppose it is just human nature,but I don't think I believe in Heaven so I will never get to tell Lise how much I really miss her!I've always wanted to believe in Heaven for then I'd know she is in a good place,but I just can't.I asked Mr.Thieben once if he believed in Heavewn and he said,"No one has ever returned to tell him about it."
I don't get a strong feeling that you're a religious person?Or it just may be a personal thing you don't want to share,but I do believe I did ask you about religion before?I always try to find the answer to what the purpose of my life is and I really don't have an answer.I constantly search for that something or someone who will give me purpose,someone who gives me the desire to awaken each morning,but I don't have it.It isn't a cliché,I honestly live day to day marking off time to the next parole hearing except that my beliefs with that are very dim.I do believe that I'll be released one day,but will it be at an age where it doesn't matter?An age where the people you wanted to share happiness with are no longer around.You see,I need to find more people to give me that purpose.I can't just find it in myself and that is what brings on lonliness!Just think about this for ba moment-I am no longer living a live that makes new memories!Ugliness isn't a memory,it is a nightmare.
Just living isn't making memories for memories are thoughts we look back to putting smiles on our faces.Sure,not all memories are happy,but not all living is a memory.Does that make sense?You stop at a gas station and put gas in your tank,but 10 years from now you won't remember the time you put gas in your car.That is my living today!I am no longer living a life that is worthy of memories.
Remember I said I didn't want to be a burden to you?I write you a lot and though I don't put question marks after everything I write,a lot of what I write is hoping I'll find an answer to what I'm looking for,but with you I can't hope too much for I'm afraid you'll think I seek too much of you and you really never intended for this too occur.
I always look for and believe I'm to get something out of every person I meet if I'm able to.Don't we ALL do this with relations?We make friendships because we get something worthwhile out of them.No matter what that something is...We are drawn to that person andI want that with each & every person beyond these walls.It doesn't always occur for as we age we seek more defining aspects of people whereas when we are young,just about anything about someone could bring about friendship.
I'm filled with thoughts and I could write forever!I literally mean that and I just feel they're wasted if I don't share them with someone.I can't just share them with anyone though.Why is that?I've known David & Linda since 1989, and I don't write them as I do you who I've known for approximately 8 or 9 months and I know nothing about you except that I could write things to you that lead me to think.Thats what I want!A purpose to write and I use to say,"if I just want a penpal,I'll write my sister."It's why I enjoy writing so much for I think I have interesting things to say and what use are they if they aren't shared?It doesn't take me long at all to know if I could share them with just anyone.I don't want to say they are to profound or that person isn't smart enough to understand,but there is something that dampers my writing with some people.
And I truly thank you for this.
James
I just got news proving I did own a T.V. and will go at that fight hard!!
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