Dear Nelly,
I've always liked drawing and I remember as a kid entering the contest that was always in the T.V. guide,DRAW TIPPY.Of course,everybody who entered was good and was told we should all apply to the enclosed art school.I kept drawing and thought I was getting fairly good.I use to do it as a hustle in here makin g greeting cards and drawing things other inmates wanted for their wife,girlfriend,or children.The most enjoyed picture I liked drawing was that of Jesus Christ.I feel that most are able to connect with a picture of Jesus Christ and all that he represents.
Who is exactly interested in a case study involving me?Where does it go,who reads it,and for what?No,it really doesn't concern me for I'm just intertested in what population reads it?Is it the medical community,scientists,etc. who then come up with solutions on how to stop certain behaviors?It just interests me to who in the world is concerned with this stuff?I hope someone of substance reads it and then contacts you asking to get in touch with me and we begin a beautiful friendship that will last a life time fot then I won't have to stress over if I'll soon be alone in this world?
Mr.Thieben is in his 80s,David & Linda in their 60s,and Father Frank is in his 60s.I don't know what you call a relationship with a priest?And I honestly don't know who you are to me?Nothing was ever promised and you never led me on to believe this or that.I know you were ki nd enough to send me money and while money certainly helps me for I have none.There is much more important to me than money and while I believe with the right type of attire I could fit in with any group.I only seek my mental void of lonliness to be stimulated.
I suppose I am afraid to be left with nothing outside of this subculture except strangers.I know there are 1000s in here,but nothing beyond a passing glance for I'm not looking to befriend a convict.There is nothing I could ever trust within another convict except for the fact that one day he'll prove there is no substance whatsoever to him and all that I did learn?I'm not sure what to believe!I know I'm not the ONLY trustworthy convict,but I only look to be trustworthy with a person beyond these walls.I really don't want nothing from within for sooner or later the perception of what was believed will be!Shattered like a fragile egg shell.It's a fact that I don't need to experience to know it's a fact.I don't need to touch a flame to know I'll be burned.
I suppose I'm afraid to leave to leave life being only seen as an inmate in prison.I don't want that,but it doesn't mean I'll be anything more.I will punch,kick,scratch,etc. putting up every fight left in my body to gain my freedom,but at times I believe I'm fighting invisible persons who really don't give two shits(excuse my language)about who James William Morgan is!
You have two inmates!One who is a model prisoner that has 30 years in prison and doesn't have a blemish on his record.Not even a simple infraction for passing gas loudly and he has been hit at the parole board 10 times and you have me who has new charges for stabbing inmates and every other violent act there is and I've now been denied parole 7 times.They can and it would be a blessing to be denied with anything less than 24 months.Truly I mean this,but it is almost as if I serve years in prison to see how many times I'll be denied parole?
I am a walking headache to the prison administration all the way up the totem pole to Central Office at 1220 Washington Avenue(all the important suit & ties that run the system).Though I only have one minor infraction in the past 3 years,I truly believe I'd have to go 10 more years without an infraction to have a shot at parole.I hope I'm not right with that accessment and though I just don't know?It is THIS that stops me from reaching and striking out to murder another inmate.When I lose belief in that HOPE,I am going to murder someone!
I once said I didn't know if I could trust you and you never gave me an indication for or against,but I have truly felt that at times(I'm tearing up right now)I want to murder someone to have a reason and cause for having spent the last 29 years in prison for I shouldn't have been here this long for something I did not mean to do.I think this is the first time I have cried since Mr.Thieben's daughter died.
I don't know if I cry out of anger,hurt,sadness for what I am,where I am or the possibility that one day this hope will escape my grasp as to where I'm only clutching air.I know I can easily murder another inmate without any hesitation for the hatred within my heart.Not hatred because they are responsible for me being imprisoned,but hatred for having to live within a subculture that is so cold that I'd rather death then to prove to the few that do believe in me that I am more than what my stepfather has always called me,"A fuck up!"who is a "Waste of life!"
I don't live for myself,I live for the select few who have believed in my potential and I don't want to let them down as I have been let down for most of my life.You shouldn't have to be the receiver of all my plights,fears,worries,etc.,but at times I feel I must write what I feel to make sense of anything.I do not ever want to be a burden to you or anyone else for that matter,but at times I feel lost within thought and I must continue getting it out for myself to make sense of it.Usually,I will try to keep some thoughts and feelings within the confines of my own mind for I don't believe you being kind enough to write me calls for you having to be my sounding board.Truly I do apologize if I at times make you feel such.
It is times like this that I feel as if a lone blossom would feel if it sprouted up on a sandy tract of beach.I think that blossom would continue to reach to the skies with growth for it can't lose hope that another seedling will sprout up nearby,erasing it's lonliness.That beach is a wide expanse of ocean itself,it is an ocean of sand and every which way it is desolate,nothing but wasted space that this lone beautiful blossom shares alone.
There are just some people I feel shouldn't be subjected to the ugliness within my life.It doesn't mean I think any less of a person over another.Take Linda for instance,she went blind(completely)in her mid-teens and she has NEVER expressed sadness for not being able to see.I feel sadness for her because I wish she could see.She is that beautiful of a person that I'd only want the best for and I would never seek to bring her a bit of my sadness.I don't want you to form a picture or belief about David & Linda with what I say and it isn't my business ,nor should I have the audacity to express feelings/beliefs,but Linda is the one who shovels her driveway when it snows!David is an obese who may possibly have heart attack if he exerted himself trying to shovel,but Linda is blind.I always think of that in the back of my mind when I talk to him on the phone.I don't know why I share this with you,but maybe I'm the only one that feels this way or sees an oddity with it.
I don't like doing like doing so in a woman's presence so excuse me for cursing in this letter earlier.
I had to take a nap for I felt drained.I get like that at times and a short nap in my cocoon is the remedy.Just as when I was a child(I told you this before)awaiting a beating from my stepfather,I'd cover myself from head to toes with the blanket.At 47 years old I still find comfort in doing this and I can't sleep any other way unless it is unbearably hot!So my days in a cocoon ALL started from my corner of the world.That is what I thought of my bedroom!I don't know if you ever been on Violet Road,but our house sat at the top of a steep hill and my bedroom overlooked our neighbor's house on one side and the road behind our house.I was able to look down onto Willow Road to Yucca Rd. and Locust Drive.It was the corner of my world because I spent much of my life in that room looking out both windows wishing I was a part of all the lives I saw.
I've been writing to Clinton Corr. Fac. inquiring about my T.V. and the Deputy Superintendent of Security wrote me and said I never legally obtained a T.V. while in Clinton!It is an out & out lie and I must now go through the hassles of proving such.There are documents that prove when I bought it and so forth,but it's the principle of me having to go ahead and write for ALL this stuff and nothing will be done(behind the lie)to that Deputy Superintendent of Security.
You could believe I will write(I already started)everyone in Albany.For the last two months I've been nothing but a headache to them for Clinton Corr. Fac. had to give the Commissioner of Corrections a daily report while I wasn't eating.They will not want me to act up(I won't anyway,but they don't know this)with not eating again and they don't want me unsettled.I'm cool and I will keep my fighting on paper.
I'm too stubborn to pay $147.00 for an 8" flat screen color T.V. when my $78.00 13" black & white was better on my eyes(I wear reading glasses)and I will write complaint after complaint until I see I have no wins and only then will I write Mr.Thieben,David&Linda,&Father Frank for $50.00 each to get the color T.V..
That was my parting gift from Clinton Corr. Fac. for #1.-I proved them wrong after they told me 'I wasn't going to be allowed to dictate when I'd be transferred' and two days later I was out of there and #2.-All three of the misbehavior reports were made to disappear by Albany because they wanted me to eat and they appeased me.Well the Deputy Superintendent of Security is the one who told me I wouldn't be transferred and it's this punk that sent the enclosed letter.
I told you that they have no problem killing someone in Clinton Corr. Fac. and easily get away with it.When it was "Court Ordered" to force feed me the Judge ordered that it was to be video taped and sound recorded each & every time they entered my hospital room.I knew and ANY time one of them made a comment I didn't like I let them know about it and at times I had them shaken with anger because they couldn't do anything to me with that video recorder going.Telling the Superintendent & the Deputy superintendent of security off is like you going to the person in charge of all of Brookhaven National Labortory and spitting in their face.You could believe Nelly that I let them have it for in the beginning they talked a lot of crap thinking after 2-3 days I'd fold like most do(I was the only inmate to be force fed in Clinton in the last 30 years).Well,after weeks thet were offering me Subway heros,Kentucky fried chicken,and everything else that is considered exotic to inmates.Their whole demeanor changed where they more or less were begging me to eat.
You see,Albany wanted answers as to why one of their inmates wasn't eating?No Superintendent wants to be speechless to a suit & tie from Albany almost as if they can't run their own prison.
They even tried sending the Deputy Superintendent of Administration,Ms.Debbie Keysor,to talk to me.She is definitely easy on the eyes,but her seductive tone didn't get me biting on her,"Take these candy bars and I won't say anything as she leaned closer making sure I smelled her perfume and even touching my arm with her fingertips.None of it worked and I knew I now had them where they were running around like chickens with their heads cut off.Like you don't let a shark smell blood-you don't show an inmate any weakness-you just don't do it.
Sure,they got their jabs in one time when the Korean doctor ALL of a sudden couldn't insert the tube down my throat and into my stomach.I felt like I was choking to death for you must remember that I'm in five point restraints and can't do anything,but talk.I cursed that doctor out,but the staff in Clinton stood behind the camera snickering.They got the last laugh for NOW!For now because I'm writing everyone & their mothers and Clinton is going to answer when Albany inquires about my T.V..
The evenings are starting to get chilly.I use to write a woman in Jerusalem.I don't remember the address,but I know her husband was in some choir that sang for the military over there.At the time I think it cost me 2 stamps to write her,it might have been back in 2002.
Do you think time heals all wounds because that person is no longer around to keep making memories and the old ones just start to fade away where you only begin to remember bits & pieces?I suppose it is just human nature,but I don't think I believe in Heaven so I will never get to tell Lise how much I really miss her!I've always wanted to believe in Heaven for then I'd know she is in a good place,but I just can't.I asked Mr.Thieben once if he believed in Heavewn and he said,"No one has ever returned to tell him about it."
I don't get a strong feeling that you're a religious person?Or it just may be a personal thing you don't want to share,but I do believe I did ask you about religion before?I always try to find the answer to what the purpose of my life is and I really don't have an answer.I constantly search for that something or someone who will give me purpose,someone who gives me the desire to awaken each morning,but I don't have it.It isn't a cliché,I honestly live day to day marking off time to the next parole hearing except that my beliefs with that are very dim.I do believe that I'll be released one day,but will it be at an age where it doesn't matter?An age where the people you wanted to share happiness with are no longer around.You see,I need to find more people to give me that purpose.I can't just find it in myself and that is what brings on lonliness!Just think about this for ba moment-I am no longer living a live that makes new memories!Ugliness isn't a memory,it is a nightmare.
Just living isn't making memories for memories are thoughts we look back to putting smiles on our faces.Sure,not all memories are happy,but not all living is a memory.Does that make sense?You stop at a gas station and put gas in your tank,but 10 years from now you won't remember the time you put gas in your car.That is my living today!I am no longer living a life that is worthy of memories.
Remember I said I didn't want to be a burden to you?I write you a lot and though I don't put question marks after everything I write,a lot of what I write is hoping I'll find an answer to what I'm looking for,but with you I can't hope too much for I'm afraid you'll think I seek too much of you and you really never intended for this too occur.
I always look for and believe I'm to get something out of every person I meet if I'm able to.Don't we ALL do this with relations?We make friendships because we get something worthwhile out of them.No matter what that something is...We are drawn to that person andI want that with each & every person beyond these walls.It doesn't always occur for as we age we seek more defining aspects of people whereas when we are young,just about anything about someone could bring about friendship.
I'm filled with thoughts and I could write forever!I literally mean that and I just feel they're wasted if I don't share them with someone.I can't just share them with anyone though.Why is that?I've known David & Linda since 1989, and I don't write them as I do you who I've known for approximately 8 or 9 months and I know nothing about you except that I could write things to you that lead me to think.Thats what I want!A purpose to write and I use to say,"if I just want a penpal,I'll write my sister."It's why I enjoy writing so much for I think I have interesting things to say and what use are they if they aren't shared?It doesn't take me long at all to know if I could share them with just anyone.I don't want to say they are to profound or that person isn't smart enough to understand,but there is something that dampers my writing with some people.
And I truly thank you for this.
James
I just got news proving I did own a T.V. and will go at that fight hard!!
Monday, December 31, 2018
Friday, December 28, 2018
September 25,2012
Dear Nelly,
When I write fast my hand goes haywire and things get sloppy,but that is because thoughts flood my head and I think it's a good one to write,but I'm afraid I'll forget it if I don't hurry up to write it down!Crazy,huh?That last sentence needed a period somewhere?
Even though I sent the letter to her sister,assuming she'd give it to her,I never did hear from that girl(Brenda Ackerman).Remember I told you about her being from Rocky Point?My problem is this and I mentioned it before.I'm stuck in '83 from when I left society.It is what I remember about it and for all I know Brenda could be happily married or in a happy relationship.I sometimes believe I could pick up a pen as if it's a magic wand and get anyone to respond.It isn't the case with my mother though.
I received a letter from my wife who technically isn't my ex-wife even though she went back to the West coast(California)in '98.She was a devote Jehovah Witness and they don't believe in divorce unless adultery is committed.I guess she isn't devote any longer for now she is looking to divorce.It could have been done years ago without her,but there was no hurry for I didn't have anyone lined up to marry.She also sent me her Email address thinking I have access to such(I don't).It got me to thinking?Do you want other perspectives for your case study(?)for I could send you her Email address.I know she called me a volatile person back in 1997 when I hit a guy in the head with a weight.I just don't know if you seek NEW perspectives.
In 1981(August)when I was thrown out of my house on 12 Violet Road a Red Maple was just planted at the end of the driveway(right-hand side if you face the house).If you're ever in the neighborhood please snap a picture of it for it was about 6'(then)and I'd like to see how big it got in 31 years.For all I know,Peter(he bought the house from my parents/or is paying the mortgage.He worked for my stepfather)may have cut it down.
Now that you're moving, where in Rocky Point were you living.I want to see if I know people from your area?Believe me,as a kid I was all over Rocky Point.My stepfather's brother(Uncle Paul who is also deceased)lived in The Tides.A big house(5 Overlook Court).I never asked you exactly where you lived for I didn't want you to think I'd stalk you from prison(smile).I just felt if you wanted me to know you would have told me.I'm just curious whether I'd know the street you lived on or the area?
Writing to you causes me to reflect upon a lot of things which is good and the reasons why I wrote my mother.The last time I wrote her(my letter went unanswered)she still had the P.O. box in Wading River.I hope she still does.Out of all of my family,my mother has the most legitimate reason for not communicating with me.I wrote her a horrible,angry letter.I admit my faults without excuses.Now,my brothers and sister?
Listen,they can't dictate how I'm suppose to feel towards a man that always abused me.My older brother said it was discipline-not abuse!
Though I was wrong for this,after I was thrown out of my house I use to sneak back into their house(when they were at work).I'd either take a shower,eat,and YES I'd steal a few dollars from my stepfather's jar of coins.
One time he came home and instead of getting out I ran down to the basement and hid in the laundry room.He found me and started beating me with closed fist.He was a 250 pound man and I was as skinny as a rail!I was crying as I said,"I'm sorry dad"and he said,"Don't call me dad!I'm not your father."There are never answers or justifications to those things,but my siblings will defend anything I say in regards to my stepfather.
He is an ugliness and a disease to me even in his death.I have NO pleasant memories of him so when my siblings talk about him when I use to call,I'd try to change the subject or I'd grow quiet.It wouldn't work,so I'd say something like,"I really don't care to talk about him."It would start them on a rant he is daddy,not HIM either,etc..I respected their love for him,but they must respect my feelings towards him.I know it's not what is said,it's how you say it.I believe only my mother rightfully should have a gripe with me,no one else and I hope she forgives,but I have a feeling she won't betray her husband even now that he is no longer alive.
This tube should be removed from my stomach sometime this week.It doesn't hinder me in anyway ANY longer!The first week I couldn't even cough without a sharp pain.Surgery isn't done to take it out,it is just pulled out and I was told the hole will close up on it's own rather quickly.The nurse said it would be only a sting for a moment for it has a little rubber ball on the side in my stomach.I hope that little ball is indeed little!I do want to get it out though for it gets in the way of other things,etc..The only reason it's still in is because the doctor said too soon after surgery my stomach could fall away from the hole leaking fluids and acid into my body which could be fatal.The tube's diameter is about that of a pencil and it is amazing that the hole won't need a stitch or anything and will close on it's own right away.
In one of your letters that you sent to Clinton Corr. Fac. you said you didn't know the difficulties in prison day to day?
Literally,the only time one feels safe and not have to be fully alert is when the ENTIRE prison is locked down for the night(usually from 10pm-5:30am-workers for the mess hall come out than).Even in your cell you aren't safe as long as inmates are out.I've seen gasoline thrown in an inmate's cell and started on fire(he died in Auburn Corr. Fac.-1984)scalding water and oil thrown through the bars and anything else that can cause harm.Imagine standing in your bathroom while someone stands in the doorway throwing full cans of tuna,vegetables,or any canned food at you.If it goes through the bars you could only try to duck them in that small place but it is liked being stoned to death.I've learned to have eyes in the back of my head while I move about by instinct.I've done good for I'm still alive.
I received 14 pictures from you and I know it is a small percentage of the pictures you've taken-what is your most favorite pictures of?Maybe it isn't one specific thing,maybe it's whatever is interesting to the eyes?
Useless information for you...If an inmate is out of matches or a lighter to light a cigarette they do what is called "THIRD RAIL" with the plug outlet in their cell.They get a pencil and take the lead out and break off two pieces about an inch long and then push each piece into the socket.You don't get shocked as long as your fingers don't touch both pieces.A spark and then the toilet paper lights on fire.A battery works with a piece of wire as well.
You know I'm just looking for things to say when I am telling you how to light a cigarette.I will close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
When I write fast my hand goes haywire and things get sloppy,but that is because thoughts flood my head and I think it's a good one to write,but I'm afraid I'll forget it if I don't hurry up to write it down!Crazy,huh?That last sentence needed a period somewhere?
Even though I sent the letter to her sister,assuming she'd give it to her,I never did hear from that girl(Brenda Ackerman).Remember I told you about her being from Rocky Point?My problem is this and I mentioned it before.I'm stuck in '83 from when I left society.It is what I remember about it and for all I know Brenda could be happily married or in a happy relationship.I sometimes believe I could pick up a pen as if it's a magic wand and get anyone to respond.It isn't the case with my mother though.
I received a letter from my wife who technically isn't my ex-wife even though she went back to the West coast(California)in '98.She was a devote Jehovah Witness and they don't believe in divorce unless adultery is committed.I guess she isn't devote any longer for now she is looking to divorce.It could have been done years ago without her,but there was no hurry for I didn't have anyone lined up to marry.She also sent me her Email address thinking I have access to such(I don't).It got me to thinking?Do you want other perspectives for your case study(?)for I could send you her Email address.I know she called me a volatile person back in 1997 when I hit a guy in the head with a weight.I just don't know if you seek NEW perspectives.
In 1981(August)when I was thrown out of my house on 12 Violet Road a Red Maple was just planted at the end of the driveway(right-hand side if you face the house).If you're ever in the neighborhood please snap a picture of it for it was about 6'(then)and I'd like to see how big it got in 31 years.For all I know,Peter(he bought the house from my parents/or is paying the mortgage.He worked for my stepfather)may have cut it down.
Now that you're moving, where in Rocky Point were you living.I want to see if I know people from your area?Believe me,as a kid I was all over Rocky Point.My stepfather's brother(Uncle Paul who is also deceased)lived in The Tides.A big house(5 Overlook Court).I never asked you exactly where you lived for I didn't want you to think I'd stalk you from prison(smile).I just felt if you wanted me to know you would have told me.I'm just curious whether I'd know the street you lived on or the area?
Writing to you causes me to reflect upon a lot of things which is good and the reasons why I wrote my mother.The last time I wrote her(my letter went unanswered)she still had the P.O. box in Wading River.I hope she still does.Out of all of my family,my mother has the most legitimate reason for not communicating with me.I wrote her a horrible,angry letter.I admit my faults without excuses.Now,my brothers and sister?
Listen,they can't dictate how I'm suppose to feel towards a man that always abused me.My older brother said it was discipline-not abuse!
Though I was wrong for this,after I was thrown out of my house I use to sneak back into their house(when they were at work).I'd either take a shower,eat,and YES I'd steal a few dollars from my stepfather's jar of coins.
One time he came home and instead of getting out I ran down to the basement and hid in the laundry room.He found me and started beating me with closed fist.He was a 250 pound man and I was as skinny as a rail!I was crying as I said,"I'm sorry dad"and he said,"Don't call me dad!I'm not your father."There are never answers or justifications to those things,but my siblings will defend anything I say in regards to my stepfather.
He is an ugliness and a disease to me even in his death.I have NO pleasant memories of him so when my siblings talk about him when I use to call,I'd try to change the subject or I'd grow quiet.It wouldn't work,so I'd say something like,"I really don't care to talk about him."It would start them on a rant he is daddy,not HIM either,etc..I respected their love for him,but they must respect my feelings towards him.I know it's not what is said,it's how you say it.I believe only my mother rightfully should have a gripe with me,no one else and I hope she forgives,but I have a feeling she won't betray her husband even now that he is no longer alive.
This tube should be removed from my stomach sometime this week.It doesn't hinder me in anyway ANY longer!The first week I couldn't even cough without a sharp pain.Surgery isn't done to take it out,it is just pulled out and I was told the hole will close up on it's own rather quickly.The nurse said it would be only a sting for a moment for it has a little rubber ball on the side in my stomach.I hope that little ball is indeed little!I do want to get it out though for it gets in the way of other things,etc..The only reason it's still in is because the doctor said too soon after surgery my stomach could fall away from the hole leaking fluids and acid into my body which could be fatal.The tube's diameter is about that of a pencil and it is amazing that the hole won't need a stitch or anything and will close on it's own right away.
In one of your letters that you sent to Clinton Corr. Fac. you said you didn't know the difficulties in prison day to day?
Literally,the only time one feels safe and not have to be fully alert is when the ENTIRE prison is locked down for the night(usually from 10pm-5:30am-workers for the mess hall come out than).Even in your cell you aren't safe as long as inmates are out.I've seen gasoline thrown in an inmate's cell and started on fire(he died in Auburn Corr. Fac.-1984)scalding water and oil thrown through the bars and anything else that can cause harm.Imagine standing in your bathroom while someone stands in the doorway throwing full cans of tuna,vegetables,or any canned food at you.If it goes through the bars you could only try to duck them in that small place but it is liked being stoned to death.I've learned to have eyes in the back of my head while I move about by instinct.I've done good for I'm still alive.
I received 14 pictures from you and I know it is a small percentage of the pictures you've taken-what is your most favorite pictures of?Maybe it isn't one specific thing,maybe it's whatever is interesting to the eyes?
Useless information for you...If an inmate is out of matches or a lighter to light a cigarette they do what is called "THIRD RAIL" with the plug outlet in their cell.They get a pencil and take the lead out and break off two pieces about an inch long and then push each piece into the socket.You don't get shocked as long as your fingers don't touch both pieces.A spark and then the toilet paper lights on fire.A battery works with a piece of wire as well.
You know I'm just looking for things to say when I am telling you how to light a cigarette.I will close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
Thursday, December 27, 2018
September 24,2012
Dear Nelly,
Before I forget!!If you ever send more photographs,please put them in a manilla envelope for you do a disservice to them when you fold them.Atleast I think so(if it doesn't put you out of your way).
I'm reading the classic,"Pudd'nhead Wilson" by Mark Twain-have you ever read it?It takes place in the deep south of the Mississippi and deals with crime & slavery.It is a good book.
That wooden swing surrounded by all the greenery?Is that your yard?It seems to be such a peaceful area where you could sit in the heat of summer or just as the sun goes down.You could get lost in thought in the serenity of the greenery.
I know neither of those beachers are Broadway and I don't think either is Hallock Landing beach either for Hallock has a large rock out in the water,but it is to the left and about 3/4 of a mile out.Broadway has a large rock,but it isn't in any of the pictures.One of the beaches looks like Tides beach and I'm really not familiar with Friendship beach or the one straight down Rocky Point Landing Road.
Atleast 35-40 years ago my father's friend worked at that lab(doing what I don't know-he could have been the janitor for all I know).His name was Don Rassmusen(sp?)and he named his dog "Panama Red"(in the 70s panama red was the name of a potent marijuana).He had long hair and a beard(I remember he had a pretty wife as well,but I don't know what she saw in him ).They lived on Broadway and still might for all I know.
The leaves are beginning to turn color which would probably interest you,but I just can't wait for them to drop so I could see how far into the woods I could.This is the Finger lakes region if that tells you anything?It is about one and a half hours from Syracuse(I'm told).What direction?I don't know-wait-I'll ask the nurse who just came to my cell!He said he couldn't tell me in case I wanted to escape(I'm not kidding).
You're right,I'm so blessed that my acts from the last several months weren't documented in the form of misbehavior and hinder my future release.I do a lot of things on impulse and other times I must live for that particular moment for I must survive today before I get to tomorrow!It's
an ugly way to live.
You would think the Parole Board(the Commissioners)know this for they sit on a panel reviewing EVERY kind of inmate there is.I think they know,but must "cover their own ass".You don't have to be in prison to know this subculture is a "violent and ugly" place.
If prison food could ever be given such an adjective,it isn't too bad here!They season it much better then anywhere else I've been,but it may just be the novelty of the new prison.I notice the small differences!For instance,the other night the yard closed early because of lightning and when it stopped they ran yard again.In Clinton the C.O.s would not stop their card games to send us back to yard-NO WAY!!Here the Superintendent must tell them that they are here to work 8 hours(not to play cards).Plus,since it's a modern prison there are cameras throughout every nook and cranny.I have never been to the visiting room here so it will be new to the both of us.C.O.s do not like cameras or anything else that could record their behavior(s).
Speaking of seasoned food!?I really can't tell the difference anyway for I never ever put salt and/or pepper on my food.If it's already in the food it's there-I don't use it.My sister was known as the salt hoarder growing up!The salt shaker was always in front of her.I don't use hot sauce or any other condiment and I never had heartburn(no matter what I eat)and didn't know what it was until someone explained it to me.No matter how much cheese I eat I don't get constipated and if I eat 1000 prunes I don't occupy the toilet.Is this too much information?Well,when I was 18 I was 6'4" and 178 pounds and now at 6'9" I'm usually 225(I have to gain my weight back).I eat like a pig,but it never shows in my weight.We're also not supposed to feed the seagulls,but I do(they eat ANYTHING)!!The other day I threw them some instant mashed potatoes from my tray and they seemed to love them!
The money you send me is used for postage,but a majority of it is used for the commissary and the good food items.I just made 2 Ramen noodle soups(we c all them crackhead soups)but I drain the water and add octopus(it's .93 cents for a 4 ounce can)or Vienna sausages.Thats it!!It is delicious and no woman would ever have a problem pleasing me in the kitchen.
Which reminds me!I wasn't charged for it,but they forgot to give me my Jif peanut butter(it cost $2.39 for an 18 oz. plastic jar).I use to love when we were allowed to get it in a package for David & Linda use to send me 5-6 jars which is always good to have in your locker.It is always good to eat any time of the day.The only kind of food I don't eat,unless I'm in solitary confinement is collard greens.In solitary confinement you eat everything and still go to bed hungry.They don't encourage bad behavior so they treat you like sh*t there.
Commissary items are cheaper than in society for we don't pay taxes(only on tobacco products)but it is still good to get packages because commissary doesn't have every kind of food one likes.I usually get junk food packages for I don't cook big meals.We have hot-pots which guys break down to use the burner to fry things.Otherwise the pots don't boil,they only get to 160 degrees.My idea of cooking spaghetti is pouring the sauce right out of the can on the spaghetti and cutting up a half a stick of pepperoni and mixing it together.The best thing I cook(if it's called cooking)is hot dogs.Wow,you're really learning some useless information about me in this letter!!
I also love to do difficult 1000 piece jig saw puzzles Linda sends me or regular crosswords Mr.Thieben takes out of the N.Y.Times.The ones in Newsday are too easy'I like challenging things such as puzzles,but even though I'm a wiz in math(my best subject in school)I don't do sudukos(sp?0.I don't use a calculator for I could add,divide,subtract,and multiply in my head pretty easily.I may not be the neatest writer-I could be-but I spell very good.I did bad in school because I didn't apply myself and if I could live my life over?I'd be working in a hospital or a cancer ward for children.I don't know if I'd be a doctor or the janitor,but I'd like to turn their sadness into faces creased with smiles.When I watch the St.Jude 1/2 hour advertisements(Marlo Thomas-Phil Donohue's wife hosts them because her father founded St.Judes Children's hospitals)I shed tears of sadness and would volunteer to take any of their places.Yes,they're strangers to me,but it tears me up to see children who won't live to enjoy a childhood.I'd donate any body organRIGHT now if New York State prisons allowed it.They don't(I checked)unless it's an immediate family member and they must pay for it.I'd give up a kidney in a heart beat to enrich a stranger's life.I don't or would not want to be known for doing it,but it's just something I'd do.I think the world would be a better place if we all were positive to one another.
I despise people who ruin relationships via cheating.If you must cheat,get divorced!!If it is true love-you wouldn't have to go outside of that relationship and if you do,it should be an agreed upon open relationship.
Hey,I'm back in a comfort zone which means you'll be getting long letters that are sometimes interesting and some times useless information as a lot of this letter is.
I use to have a coffee habit(black and nothing else)of 25-30 cups a day.I'm a person that NEVER ever tasted coffee in society,but made it for my mother whenever she asked(she drank it black as well).I had such a coffee habit that when I didn't have it I'd get migraine headaches that would last 2-3 days.Otherwise I never get headaches.I still drink coffee,but I don't need it if I don't have it as I once dids.My ugliest and longest habit is biting my nails and smoki g.I just went 62 days without smoking,but as soon as I was able to,I smoked again!Yes,it was foolish to do so and I'd only be given excuses as to why I started again after 62 days of not doing it!!I won't lie to myself for I know it is ALL excuses as to why I go back to smoking for it doesn't help in any way-it doesn't relieve stress,calm me down or any of them other lame excuses.The crazy thing about biting my nails is that when I am in stressful situations(like when I starved myself)I won't bite them,but after I started eating again I went right back to biting my nails.I won't bite them if I'm meeting a woman for the first time on a visit.I'll stop 30 days before so my nails are nice,but since you are MRS.Alia-Klein my nails will be bitten whenever you do come up.I know I do it out of habit,but I don't believe it's a nervousness for as I said,during stressful times I won't do it.It doesn't make sense.
Did I leave anything out about myself?Um,I'm a clean person and while I don't believe I have an obsessive compulsive disorder,I like things to be neat.I don't like my cell to be in disarray.I can't wear socks or underwear for more than 24 hours and I wash them daily(I can't have dirty clothes in my cell).This is weird because even though I have my teeth they've always been discolored from tobacco and coffee.I once asked the prison dentist if he could pull them all and let me get false teeth.He said "he'd do no such thing for there is nothing wrong with my teeth for most people's teeth are discolored!"
I just got off the phone with Linda and told her I gave you her number.She said she'd definitely be interested in talking to you.
I suppose you didn't expect this letter of useless information?It's just things that come to mind about me that may not seem important,but I suppose I'm just an average man who has seen a lot of ugliness in life.Most wouldn't know it by looking at me and would probably only know I was in prison because of jailhouse tattoos,but with most people you don't know what pains they have/do suffer/ed in their lives.
I date my letters the day they will go out.For instance,it is Friday right now,but since I know this letter won't be mailed until Monday-I put Monday's date.It's Friday and I'm on page 13 of this letter,but it doesn't mean it will be a book by than for I don't know when I'll pick it up again.
I told Linda I wasn't sure if you'd call,but you might!I'd really like you to because I think you'd find one another interesting.I told you about Mr.Thieben's daughter and I'm not it would have worked out between us,but we did love one another.She wasn't a woman who bit her tongue and I knew it would be a challenge.She was also Bi-polar which wouldn't help,but…?
I'm a convicted murderer and no matter what my intent was on the evening of my crime-I took a life and have been in prison for 29 years on November 20,2012.I feel I must humanize myself when I write people for "convicted murderer" is an ugly picture.Lise knew about me via her father and while I know Mr.Thieben didn't expect us to fall in love,he wouldn't allow a negative picture to be painted of me if it wasn't true.
My own sister once told me she doesn't know how comfortable she would be for me to go to her house with her kids,etc. behind my crime.I believe I'm the ONLY one who knows that I didn't intend to kill anyone that night.I didn't expect any harm to come out of my crime.I was stupid for not equating death with a fire,but I thought smoke would wake people up and they'd get out of the house.I was angry and in anger I threw a lit match on bed linen that wouldn't go in my suitcase.As soon as I learned that someone died,I turned myself in.
For my own sister to think that?I'm not even sure I wanted to be told that.It might had been better not to know.It doesn't make much of a difference now,but when you must humanize yourself to your own family-that is beyond hurt-I don't know what emotion(s) to put on it?
I remember when Dan Quayle use to express the importance of family,but I didn't believe it.
I often wonder what I would have/had become if I wasn't arrested?If I stayed on the path I would have been an alcoholic,but who knows if something/someone would have changed my life/behaviors?I like to think I would have been successful,but who doesn't.Only an idiot would want to think to be unsuccessful.I don't blame where I'm at on my stepfather,but he indirectly decided my fate and behaviors in life.I always think I'll fit the whole word in and when I can't I try to cross it out because I can't.
My wonder is-if I knew I would be punished for failing classes and beat for getting into troble,I wonder why I still did it.NO,I don't believe in that theory that it was my way to rebel against my stepfather.Sometimes I didn't believe I'd be caught as a criminal wouldn't,but some things were obvious like knowing I had to show my report cards & progress reports.Do you know my father use to send me to school with a notebook for each teacher to sigh after that day's class?I'd have to show it to my father each night after school,if there was anything negative in there I'd be beatened and punished.
I'd never inherit this behavior if I ever had children.Truly,I couldn't ever imagine that.
Have you ever heard of the musician Bob Seager?He has a song called "BEAUTIFUL LOSER" which I believe I equate my life to.It is such a nice song and if you ever could?Listen to it.It's a lot more meaningful then the words to that alternative rock song,"LOSER" by Beck.
Mount Sinai School of Medicine in Manhattan?Are you a medical doctor?What exactly do you do at a school of medicine?Is it running tests on subjects with different medications?What will you be doing if you don't mind me asking?This doesn't pose a problem with your husband and his employment?He will commute or just leave his job or is it none of my business?You could tell me that,I won't be offended.I know now-a-days some women are the bread winners in/of the household.I was brought up in a household where the man was the chief money earner even though my mother retired from Mather Hospital in Port Jefferson.My father made far more money than my mother.
There is a possibility that my mother could die and I wouldn't find out until I was in society and that is only if I go visit my siblings.When my mother married my stepfather her own father stopped talking to her because he thought she should be home with her dying mother.One of her sisters stopped talking to her as well and they NEVER reached out to one another.She does have a brother & sister she talks to,but my mother is repeating the same behavior with me.Her father was a writer for the DAILY NEWS,but I suppose he is long dead for he seemed to be in his 60s when I was real young and my mother is 72(she was 43 when I was arrested).When I look at the years I served in that way it's when I really realize the length of time I've done.My brother Paul was 13 and is now 42.A life time I lost even if I was still communicating with them.My mom would only talk about things on the surface for she would never tell me anything that would bring sorrow to me.That is how she was.I hurt that I ruined my relationship with her and believe it is cemented further now that my stepfather is dead.I think she'd feel as if she was betraying him if she talked to me.I wasn't even mentioned as being a part of the family in his obituary that my mother penned.I just don't know how a parent could go on like that with their own child?I try to make amends with people who aren't even my family.It is baffling to me just as a lot of other things are.
I was real close to everyone(except my stepfather)until I wrote that letter in July of 2003!My mother and I had a close relationship and now it is over?The crazy thing is that I could die and NO one would know for my emergency contact is my mother and the address and phone number listed as the contact is where she lived over 20 years ago.I never updated it and until this day when my correction counselor asks me if there is any change to my emergency contact I tell him no.Sure,the prison would go through the documents and contact other people from my phone list,but if they changed their numbers I don't know.The only way Mr.Thieben or anyone else would know is when the mail was returned to them with,"INMATE DECEASED" on the letter.
I care and I don't care!Who cares where I'm buried once I no longer exist?I really don't,but then again you want someone to care about you,otherwise it is a lonely existence.
I guess I found something to do until I get my T.V.!Come on,I wrote you 20 pages before-even when I had my T.V..
I wouldn't have let so much time elapse before I thanked you for the money order,but for some reason it took a while for me to get your letter.I got it which is good and truly I'm thankful for what you do with the money orders,pictures,and the words you voice through the typewriter.
I think I'll end this letter now!I feel like Forest Gump when he was on the bench at the bus stop telling his story,it never ended.Mine doesn't end either,I just put the pen down for a while for you to catch your breath.I am just glad that things arev back to normalcy and I can express myself once again.Thank you.
James
Before I forget!!If you ever send more photographs,please put them in a manilla envelope for you do a disservice to them when you fold them.Atleast I think so(if it doesn't put you out of your way).
I'm reading the classic,"Pudd'nhead Wilson" by Mark Twain-have you ever read it?It takes place in the deep south of the Mississippi and deals with crime & slavery.It is a good book.
That wooden swing surrounded by all the greenery?Is that your yard?It seems to be such a peaceful area where you could sit in the heat of summer or just as the sun goes down.You could get lost in thought in the serenity of the greenery.
I know neither of those beachers are Broadway and I don't think either is Hallock Landing beach either for Hallock has a large rock out in the water,but it is to the left and about 3/4 of a mile out.Broadway has a large rock,but it isn't in any of the pictures.One of the beaches looks like Tides beach and I'm really not familiar with Friendship beach or the one straight down Rocky Point Landing Road.
Atleast 35-40 years ago my father's friend worked at that lab(doing what I don't know-he could have been the janitor for all I know).His name was Don Rassmusen(sp?)and he named his dog "Panama Red"(in the 70s panama red was the name of a potent marijuana).He had long hair and a beard(I remember he had a pretty wife as well,but I don't know what she saw in him ).They lived on Broadway and still might for all I know.
The leaves are beginning to turn color which would probably interest you,but I just can't wait for them to drop so I could see how far into the woods I could.This is the Finger lakes region if that tells you anything?It is about one and a half hours from Syracuse(I'm told).What direction?I don't know-wait-I'll ask the nurse who just came to my cell!He said he couldn't tell me in case I wanted to escape(I'm not kidding).
You're right,I'm so blessed that my acts from the last several months weren't documented in the form of misbehavior and hinder my future release.I do a lot of things on impulse and other times I must live for that particular moment for I must survive today before I get to tomorrow!It's
an ugly way to live.
You would think the Parole Board(the Commissioners)know this for they sit on a panel reviewing EVERY kind of inmate there is.I think they know,but must "cover their own ass".You don't have to be in prison to know this subculture is a "violent and ugly" place.
If prison food could ever be given such an adjective,it isn't too bad here!They season it much better then anywhere else I've been,but it may just be the novelty of the new prison.I notice the small differences!For instance,the other night the yard closed early because of lightning and when it stopped they ran yard again.In Clinton the C.O.s would not stop their card games to send us back to yard-NO WAY!!Here the Superintendent must tell them that they are here to work 8 hours(not to play cards).Plus,since it's a modern prison there are cameras throughout every nook and cranny.I have never been to the visiting room here so it will be new to the both of us.C.O.s do not like cameras or anything else that could record their behavior(s).
Speaking of seasoned food!?I really can't tell the difference anyway for I never ever put salt and/or pepper on my food.If it's already in the food it's there-I don't use it.My sister was known as the salt hoarder growing up!The salt shaker was always in front of her.I don't use hot sauce or any other condiment and I never had heartburn(no matter what I eat)and didn't know what it was until someone explained it to me.No matter how much cheese I eat I don't get constipated and if I eat 1000 prunes I don't occupy the toilet.Is this too much information?Well,when I was 18 I was 6'4" and 178 pounds and now at 6'9" I'm usually 225(I have to gain my weight back).I eat like a pig,but it never shows in my weight.We're also not supposed to feed the seagulls,but I do(they eat ANYTHING)!!The other day I threw them some instant mashed potatoes from my tray and they seemed to love them!
The money you send me is used for postage,but a majority of it is used for the commissary and the good food items.I just made 2 Ramen noodle soups(we c all them crackhead soups)but I drain the water and add octopus(it's .93 cents for a 4 ounce can)or Vienna sausages.Thats it!!It is delicious and no woman would ever have a problem pleasing me in the kitchen.
Which reminds me!I wasn't charged for it,but they forgot to give me my Jif peanut butter(it cost $2.39 for an 18 oz. plastic jar).I use to love when we were allowed to get it in a package for David & Linda use to send me 5-6 jars which is always good to have in your locker.It is always good to eat any time of the day.The only kind of food I don't eat,unless I'm in solitary confinement is collard greens.In solitary confinement you eat everything and still go to bed hungry.They don't encourage bad behavior so they treat you like sh*t there.
Commissary items are cheaper than in society for we don't pay taxes(only on tobacco products)but it is still good to get packages because commissary doesn't have every kind of food one likes.I usually get junk food packages for I don't cook big meals.We have hot-pots which guys break down to use the burner to fry things.Otherwise the pots don't boil,they only get to 160 degrees.My idea of cooking spaghetti is pouring the sauce right out of the can on the spaghetti and cutting up a half a stick of pepperoni and mixing it together.The best thing I cook(if it's called cooking)is hot dogs.Wow,you're really learning some useless information about me in this letter!!
I also love to do difficult 1000 piece jig saw puzzles Linda sends me or regular crosswords Mr.Thieben takes out of the N.Y.Times.The ones in Newsday are too easy'I like challenging things such as puzzles,but even though I'm a wiz in math(my best subject in school)I don't do sudukos(sp?0.I don't use a calculator for I could add,divide,subtract,and multiply in my head pretty easily.I may not be the neatest writer-I could be-but I spell very good.I did bad in school because I didn't apply myself and if I could live my life over?I'd be working in a hospital or a cancer ward for children.I don't know if I'd be a doctor or the janitor,but I'd like to turn their sadness into faces creased with smiles.When I watch the St.Jude 1/2 hour advertisements(Marlo Thomas-Phil Donohue's wife hosts them because her father founded St.Judes Children's hospitals)I shed tears of sadness and would volunteer to take any of their places.Yes,they're strangers to me,but it tears me up to see children who won't live to enjoy a childhood.I'd donate any body organRIGHT now if New York State prisons allowed it.They don't(I checked)unless it's an immediate family member and they must pay for it.I'd give up a kidney in a heart beat to enrich a stranger's life.I don't or would not want to be known for doing it,but it's just something I'd do.I think the world would be a better place if we all were positive to one another.
I despise people who ruin relationships via cheating.If you must cheat,get divorced!!If it is true love-you wouldn't have to go outside of that relationship and if you do,it should be an agreed upon open relationship.
Hey,I'm back in a comfort zone which means you'll be getting long letters that are sometimes interesting and some times useless information as a lot of this letter is.
I use to have a coffee habit(black and nothing else)of 25-30 cups a day.I'm a person that NEVER ever tasted coffee in society,but made it for my mother whenever she asked(she drank it black as well).I had such a coffee habit that when I didn't have it I'd get migraine headaches that would last 2-3 days.Otherwise I never get headaches.I still drink coffee,but I don't need it if I don't have it as I once dids.My ugliest and longest habit is biting my nails and smoki g.I just went 62 days without smoking,but as soon as I was able to,I smoked again!Yes,it was foolish to do so and I'd only be given excuses as to why I started again after 62 days of not doing it!!I won't lie to myself for I know it is ALL excuses as to why I go back to smoking for it doesn't help in any way-it doesn't relieve stress,calm me down or any of them other lame excuses.The crazy thing about biting my nails is that when I am in stressful situations(like when I starved myself)I won't bite them,but after I started eating again I went right back to biting my nails.I won't bite them if I'm meeting a woman for the first time on a visit.I'll stop 30 days before so my nails are nice,but since you are MRS.Alia-Klein my nails will be bitten whenever you do come up.I know I do it out of habit,but I don't believe it's a nervousness for as I said,during stressful times I won't do it.It doesn't make sense.
Did I leave anything out about myself?Um,I'm a clean person and while I don't believe I have an obsessive compulsive disorder,I like things to be neat.I don't like my cell to be in disarray.I can't wear socks or underwear for more than 24 hours and I wash them daily(I can't have dirty clothes in my cell).This is weird because even though I have my teeth they've always been discolored from tobacco and coffee.I once asked the prison dentist if he could pull them all and let me get false teeth.He said "he'd do no such thing for there is nothing wrong with my teeth for most people's teeth are discolored!"
I just got off the phone with Linda and told her I gave you her number.She said she'd definitely be interested in talking to you.
I suppose you didn't expect this letter of useless information?It's just things that come to mind about me that may not seem important,but I suppose I'm just an average man who has seen a lot of ugliness in life.Most wouldn't know it by looking at me and would probably only know I was in prison because of jailhouse tattoos,but with most people you don't know what pains they have/do suffer/ed in their lives.
I date my letters the day they will go out.For instance,it is Friday right now,but since I know this letter won't be mailed until Monday-I put Monday's date.It's Friday and I'm on page 13 of this letter,but it doesn't mean it will be a book by than for I don't know when I'll pick it up again.
I told Linda I wasn't sure if you'd call,but you might!I'd really like you to because I think you'd find one another interesting.I told you about Mr.Thieben's daughter and I'm not it would have worked out between us,but we did love one another.She wasn't a woman who bit her tongue and I knew it would be a challenge.She was also Bi-polar which wouldn't help,but…?
I'm a convicted murderer and no matter what my intent was on the evening of my crime-I took a life and have been in prison for 29 years on November 20,2012.I feel I must humanize myself when I write people for "convicted murderer" is an ugly picture.Lise knew about me via her father and while I know Mr.Thieben didn't expect us to fall in love,he wouldn't allow a negative picture to be painted of me if it wasn't true.
My own sister once told me she doesn't know how comfortable she would be for me to go to her house with her kids,etc. behind my crime.I believe I'm the ONLY one who knows that I didn't intend to kill anyone that night.I didn't expect any harm to come out of my crime.I was stupid for not equating death with a fire,but I thought smoke would wake people up and they'd get out of the house.I was angry and in anger I threw a lit match on bed linen that wouldn't go in my suitcase.As soon as I learned that someone died,I turned myself in.
For my own sister to think that?I'm not even sure I wanted to be told that.It might had been better not to know.It doesn't make much of a difference now,but when you must humanize yourself to your own family-that is beyond hurt-I don't know what emotion(s) to put on it?
I remember when Dan Quayle use to express the importance of family,but I didn't believe it.
I often wonder what I would have/had become if I wasn't arrested?If I stayed on the path I would have been an alcoholic,but who knows if something/someone would have changed my life/behaviors?I like to think I would have been successful,but who doesn't.Only an idiot would want to think to be unsuccessful.I don't blame where I'm at on my stepfather,but he indirectly decided my fate and behaviors in life.I always think I'll fit the whole word in and when I can't I try to cross it out because I can't.
My wonder is-if I knew I would be punished for failing classes and beat for getting into troble,I wonder why I still did it.NO,I don't believe in that theory that it was my way to rebel against my stepfather.Sometimes I didn't believe I'd be caught as a criminal wouldn't,but some things were obvious like knowing I had to show my report cards & progress reports.Do you know my father use to send me to school with a notebook for each teacher to sigh after that day's class?I'd have to show it to my father each night after school,if there was anything negative in there I'd be beatened and punished.
I'd never inherit this behavior if I ever had children.Truly,I couldn't ever imagine that.
Have you ever heard of the musician Bob Seager?He has a song called "BEAUTIFUL LOSER" which I believe I equate my life to.It is such a nice song and if you ever could?Listen to it.It's a lot more meaningful then the words to that alternative rock song,"LOSER" by Beck.
Mount Sinai School of Medicine in Manhattan?Are you a medical doctor?What exactly do you do at a school of medicine?Is it running tests on subjects with different medications?What will you be doing if you don't mind me asking?This doesn't pose a problem with your husband and his employment?He will commute or just leave his job or is it none of my business?You could tell me that,I won't be offended.I know now-a-days some women are the bread winners in/of the household.I was brought up in a household where the man was the chief money earner even though my mother retired from Mather Hospital in Port Jefferson.My father made far more money than my mother.
There is a possibility that my mother could die and I wouldn't find out until I was in society and that is only if I go visit my siblings.When my mother married my stepfather her own father stopped talking to her because he thought she should be home with her dying mother.One of her sisters stopped talking to her as well and they NEVER reached out to one another.She does have a brother & sister she talks to,but my mother is repeating the same behavior with me.Her father was a writer for the DAILY NEWS,but I suppose he is long dead for he seemed to be in his 60s when I was real young and my mother is 72(she was 43 when I was arrested).When I look at the years I served in that way it's when I really realize the length of time I've done.My brother Paul was 13 and is now 42.A life time I lost even if I was still communicating with them.My mom would only talk about things on the surface for she would never tell me anything that would bring sorrow to me.That is how she was.I hurt that I ruined my relationship with her and believe it is cemented further now that my stepfather is dead.I think she'd feel as if she was betraying him if she talked to me.I wasn't even mentioned as being a part of the family in his obituary that my mother penned.I just don't know how a parent could go on like that with their own child?I try to make amends with people who aren't even my family.It is baffling to me just as a lot of other things are.
I was real close to everyone(except my stepfather)until I wrote that letter in July of 2003!My mother and I had a close relationship and now it is over?The crazy thing is that I could die and NO one would know for my emergency contact is my mother and the address and phone number listed as the contact is where she lived over 20 years ago.I never updated it and until this day when my correction counselor asks me if there is any change to my emergency contact I tell him no.Sure,the prison would go through the documents and contact other people from my phone list,but if they changed their numbers I don't know.The only way Mr.Thieben or anyone else would know is when the mail was returned to them with,"INMATE DECEASED" on the letter.
I care and I don't care!Who cares where I'm buried once I no longer exist?I really don't,but then again you want someone to care about you,otherwise it is a lonely existence.
I guess I found something to do until I get my T.V.!Come on,I wrote you 20 pages before-even when I had my T.V..
I wouldn't have let so much time elapse before I thanked you for the money order,but for some reason it took a while for me to get your letter.I got it which is good and truly I'm thankful for what you do with the money orders,pictures,and the words you voice through the typewriter.
I think I'll end this letter now!I feel like Forest Gump when he was on the bench at the bus stop telling his story,it never ended.Mine doesn't end either,I just put the pen down for a while for you to catch your breath.I am just glad that things arev back to normalcy and I can express myself once again.Thank you.
James
Saturday, December 22, 2018
September 21,2012
Dear Nelly,
I just received the letter you sent to Coxsackie and I truly thank you for the money order.You seem to know exactly when I am in need and it is very thoughtful and considerate of you.Let me comment on your photography,but first I congratulate you on the promotion which is more important than living in Rocky Point even though Rocky Point seems to hold ALL of my cherished memories.
In the 70s there was a popular T.V. show called the "ROCKFORD FILES".If you were in the U.S.A.then you'll remember that James Garner was the star?He also did a T.V. commercial for the Poloroid instant one step camera?That was my first brush with thinking I was a photographer!I was about 12 or 13 and I got the camera for Christmas.
My idea of the perfect photo (at that time) was the outhouse from the summer cottage across the street or me posing as a drunken homeless person.NO pictures were as good as yours and after a few rolls of film the novelty of me as a photographer wore off!As a child things don't really hold one's attention for very long.
I can't give an understandable reason.but I was fascinated by homeless people as a kid.Most of them were drunks.but I'd love to talk with them.There weren't many on Long Island,but when we went into the city my mom/dad would make sure to point them out to me.They did it in a jokingly manner,but their plights always tugged at my heart and I felt that I being a kid brought them memories of better days.I thought I'd share that with you,but the nomadic life without responsibilities was a great life.
Nelly,I understand about not being reimbursed for the documents and I NEVER expected to be paid for your interview or case study.My payment is my excitement in writing you and having you as a long distance friend.I don't see us sitting down for a cup of coffee,but I really do enjoy sharing with you memories that would otherwise stay on a dusty shelf in my head.They'd be meaningless any other time.
I love your pictures and I think I enjoy photography so much because a picture captures a moment in time that stays that way forever even as the people,places,and things change.Pictures liven up any room and your mind could think up so many different scenarios to go with the picture.These ones will be hung right over my bunk.As I try to sleep during a restless night I could imagine different scenarios with each picture.Sounds crazy,but it's the truth.
If I'm to believe that God lays a path/plan for all of us...My path is long and winding and I've met and seen so many as I travel to my destination(s).Some I pass and they don't even give me a moment's notice while others stop and congregate with me.We could be the exact opposites and each is interested in the other's story!I never believe my life/story was interesting enough fot most,but I am SO happy that at this point of my travels I have met you.I don't ever expect or want you to feel obligated in supplying me with happiness,but I've already stole 9 months worth that I'll always be able to look back upon as a worthwhile period during these travels.That is my payment for anything I supply you with and I hope my words supply you with something that may be thought of during what may be a boring moment at any given time in your life. It may seem so simple to most ,but writing my thoughts is something I truly enjoy.
Ok,I enclosed ALL the rules we could be written up for.The other half of the rule book are the same rules in Spanish.One rule one could never get dismissed or beat is "106.10".It is a rule on almost EVERY misbehavior report for we're in the control of the men/women in blue.
Of course my plight with starvation was for ONE main reason,but it's also one time in my life of imprisonment that I'm in full control of what I do.It is sad that something so dangerous an unhealthy could be considered CONTROL,but let me explain it further and what is so important to me.
They try to break you and discourage you from doing this by putting you in a room that is only 3 by 9 with only a steel bed to lay on.When you use the bathroom your output is logged and a C.O. sits in front of you 24/7 logging everything I do.I know the routine,directives,and protocol and I must establish the rewards as thoughts(pictures)in my head to achieve the discomforts of starving myself.During each stomach growl or pang I must silently repeat as a chant or mantra,"Good things await me in the near future".
One of these good things-rewards-blessings is something others take for granted each and every day!To get out of this prison and to be introduced with the female nurses in a hospital?NO,it isn't sexual at all!It is the kindness,consideration,and politeness of a woman saying,"Is there anything I can get you and if you need anything just press the button".It is SO good to feel someone express being nice to me even though I know it is short lived for my time in the hospital can't last forever,but those brief moments last a life time in my head.A C.O. once said to me,"You know the doctors/nurses that finish first in their class?Well the bottom half work in the prison system!"It is true for even though I understand their nastiness(working with conniving convicts all day who will lie/cheat to get a quick drug to get high)I hate being polite to a person who right away treats me with distain.It isn't like this in the outside hospitals and during the rough moments of starving myself,I cherish the moments I control knowing I'll go to an outside hospital to be met with T.L.C..That is only a small part of the reason(s),but if I keep those thoughts in my head it makes the difficulties of starvation seem easy and worthwhile.
NO,I don't expect anyone beyond this subculture to understand taking these drastic measures to achieve a goal for death may be met instead.While I'm not suicidal I'm not afraid of death and will except it in full for it may be better than my life now.It can't be any worse if I'm aware for I've lived in hell for close to 29 years now.It is HELL when each day you're met with lying,cheating,stealing,conniving savages who salivate over any sc rap they think they could sink their teeth into.
I use to dread believing or thinking of being buried in Potter's field (what the prison's grave yard is called).A little plot of land outside the prison walls only to be visited by the convict care-takers who dig the holes for another unknown inmate.
Prison has tore me up and spit me out!It has ruined the loving relationships I once had and it has made me a bitter man who hates those around me.I can't be the only convict with a heart,but I won't allow any other to show me that they have a heart for I become antisocial and silence myself to those amongst me.I don't want to go through the introduction stage of trying to find out who is worthy of conversation for 99.9% of the time it is a hustling/conniving piece of shit who is trying to get a free meal ticket from you.
I love reading Danielle Steele for she keeps the loving tug on my heart of human emotions.Have you ever read her books?
You're right about me calling,but if I was to it would be you paying for a collect call(not me).I just thought at dim moments that I just went through that it is easier to tell you why I'll be incommunicatable,but I usually don't share such with persons beyond these walls.I only tell you so you wouldn't visit during that time and traveling here only to be denied the visit because I'm in the hospital.I don't believe adding stress to another's life beyond my own.I never sought sympathy/pity for it does not help me one bit.It would only make me sad to know I caused another to worry,so that is the only reason I asked for your phone number.I only told David & Linda I was in the hospital for twisting my ankle.There is no need to tell them a truth that they will never understand for they can't be in my shoes.I see their lives as serene and full of harmony and I want it to stay that way.I don't want their friendship to be one where they must worry about me.I'm at a disadvantage already in winning over their friendship for I'm not one of this world's most worthy to befriend for I'm a convicted murderer.They gave me the chance to express myself which I'm forever grateful for and I'll NEVER look to add ugliness to their lives or anyone elses for that matter.
Yes,I'll be able to watch the NOVA episode if Clinton EVER mails me my T.V..Yes,I'm awaiting my T.V. to be mailed for I don't have $147.00 to buy another T.V..I should get it any day and I will watch that episode.I usually always watch NOVA anyway.
NO,we don't have access to computers!I could imagine the new crimes convicts would get to be able to exploit some young child on the computer.Because I told David & Linda about you,David sent me the article.Linda is blind and is an amazing woman.So self-independent and doesn't use a guide dog.I sent you their number and would really like you to meet them especially before you leave the Rocky Point area.David is a computer programmer who owns Axios products in Commack.He is also a Barbershop singer.Two remarkable people and I don't want to be selfish in keeping them to myself.Please give them a call to introduce yourself.They are now in their 60s and I think they are wonderful people.I'm blessed to have a handful of genuine beautiful people in my life.I told them all about you,but please don't worry them with my starvation plights.Only Mr.Thieben knows about that for I tell him everything.
Truly I thank you Nelly for the money order and your pictures which are priceless!If I see you next month that would be great,but if not,writing to you is a pleasure in itself and let's me escape my confines for brief periods of time.I do hope I'll still be able to write you once you leave your lab and the Rocky Point area or at least until you become bored with my gibberish(smile).
I don't want to say one picture is better than the other,but the one that draws my attention the most is the apartment building with the fire escapes.I just like that picture for some reason?
I'll close for now hoping this letter bfinds you and your family doing well.Please do call David and Lindas and introduce yourself.They're two professionals who are remarkable people.Until next time,take care.
James
P.S.-The August 30th issue of the Village Beacon Record had a good article about a free lance photographer called Jerry McGraph.
I just received the letter you sent to Coxsackie and I truly thank you for the money order.You seem to know exactly when I am in need and it is very thoughtful and considerate of you.Let me comment on your photography,but first I congratulate you on the promotion which is more important than living in Rocky Point even though Rocky Point seems to hold ALL of my cherished memories.
In the 70s there was a popular T.V. show called the "ROCKFORD FILES".If you were in the U.S.A.then you'll remember that James Garner was the star?He also did a T.V. commercial for the Poloroid instant one step camera?That was my first brush with thinking I was a photographer!I was about 12 or 13 and I got the camera for Christmas.
My idea of the perfect photo (at that time) was the outhouse from the summer cottage across the street or me posing as a drunken homeless person.NO pictures were as good as yours and after a few rolls of film the novelty of me as a photographer wore off!As a child things don't really hold one's attention for very long.
I can't give an understandable reason.but I was fascinated by homeless people as a kid.Most of them were drunks.but I'd love to talk with them.There weren't many on Long Island,but when we went into the city my mom/dad would make sure to point them out to me.They did it in a jokingly manner,but their plights always tugged at my heart and I felt that I being a kid brought them memories of better days.I thought I'd share that with you,but the nomadic life without responsibilities was a great life.
Nelly,I understand about not being reimbursed for the documents and I NEVER expected to be paid for your interview or case study.My payment is my excitement in writing you and having you as a long distance friend.I don't see us sitting down for a cup of coffee,but I really do enjoy sharing with you memories that would otherwise stay on a dusty shelf in my head.They'd be meaningless any other time.
I love your pictures and I think I enjoy photography so much because a picture captures a moment in time that stays that way forever even as the people,places,and things change.Pictures liven up any room and your mind could think up so many different scenarios to go with the picture.These ones will be hung right over my bunk.As I try to sleep during a restless night I could imagine different scenarios with each picture.Sounds crazy,but it's the truth.
If I'm to believe that God lays a path/plan for all of us...My path is long and winding and I've met and seen so many as I travel to my destination(s).Some I pass and they don't even give me a moment's notice while others stop and congregate with me.We could be the exact opposites and each is interested in the other's story!I never believe my life/story was interesting enough fot most,but I am SO happy that at this point of my travels I have met you.I don't ever expect or want you to feel obligated in supplying me with happiness,but I've already stole 9 months worth that I'll always be able to look back upon as a worthwhile period during these travels.That is my payment for anything I supply you with and I hope my words supply you with something that may be thought of during what may be a boring moment at any given time in your life. It may seem so simple to most ,but writing my thoughts is something I truly enjoy.
Ok,I enclosed ALL the rules we could be written up for.The other half of the rule book are the same rules in Spanish.One rule one could never get dismissed or beat is "106.10".It is a rule on almost EVERY misbehavior report for we're in the control of the men/women in blue.
Of course my plight with starvation was for ONE main reason,but it's also one time in my life of imprisonment that I'm in full control of what I do.It is sad that something so dangerous an unhealthy could be considered CONTROL,but let me explain it further and what is so important to me.
They try to break you and discourage you from doing this by putting you in a room that is only 3 by 9 with only a steel bed to lay on.When you use the bathroom your output is logged and a C.O. sits in front of you 24/7 logging everything I do.I know the routine,directives,and protocol and I must establish the rewards as thoughts(pictures)in my head to achieve the discomforts of starving myself.During each stomach growl or pang I must silently repeat as a chant or mantra,"Good things await me in the near future".
One of these good things-rewards-blessings is something others take for granted each and every day!To get out of this prison and to be introduced with the female nurses in a hospital?NO,it isn't sexual at all!It is the kindness,consideration,and politeness of a woman saying,"Is there anything I can get you and if you need anything just press the button".It is SO good to feel someone express being nice to me even though I know it is short lived for my time in the hospital can't last forever,but those brief moments last a life time in my head.A C.O. once said to me,"You know the doctors/nurses that finish first in their class?Well the bottom half work in the prison system!"It is true for even though I understand their nastiness(working with conniving convicts all day who will lie/cheat to get a quick drug to get high)I hate being polite to a person who right away treats me with distain.It isn't like this in the outside hospitals and during the rough moments of starving myself,I cherish the moments I control knowing I'll go to an outside hospital to be met with T.L.C..That is only a small part of the reason(s),but if I keep those thoughts in my head it makes the difficulties of starvation seem easy and worthwhile.
NO,I don't expect anyone beyond this subculture to understand taking these drastic measures to achieve a goal for death may be met instead.While I'm not suicidal I'm not afraid of death and will except it in full for it may be better than my life now.It can't be any worse if I'm aware for I've lived in hell for close to 29 years now.It is HELL when each day you're met with lying,cheating,stealing,conniving savages who salivate over any sc rap they think they could sink their teeth into.
I use to dread believing or thinking of being buried in Potter's field (what the prison's grave yard is called).A little plot of land outside the prison walls only to be visited by the convict care-takers who dig the holes for another unknown inmate.
Prison has tore me up and spit me out!It has ruined the loving relationships I once had and it has made me a bitter man who hates those around me.I can't be the only convict with a heart,but I won't allow any other to show me that they have a heart for I become antisocial and silence myself to those amongst me.I don't want to go through the introduction stage of trying to find out who is worthy of conversation for 99.9% of the time it is a hustling/conniving piece of shit who is trying to get a free meal ticket from you.
I love reading Danielle Steele for she keeps the loving tug on my heart of human emotions.Have you ever read her books?
You're right about me calling,but if I was to it would be you paying for a collect call(not me).I just thought at dim moments that I just went through that it is easier to tell you why I'll be incommunicatable,but I usually don't share such with persons beyond these walls.I only tell you so you wouldn't visit during that time and traveling here only to be denied the visit because I'm in the hospital.I don't believe adding stress to another's life beyond my own.I never sought sympathy/pity for it does not help me one bit.It would only make me sad to know I caused another to worry,so that is the only reason I asked for your phone number.I only told David & Linda I was in the hospital for twisting my ankle.There is no need to tell them a truth that they will never understand for they can't be in my shoes.I see their lives as serene and full of harmony and I want it to stay that way.I don't want their friendship to be one where they must worry about me.I'm at a disadvantage already in winning over their friendship for I'm not one of this world's most worthy to befriend for I'm a convicted murderer.They gave me the chance to express myself which I'm forever grateful for and I'll NEVER look to add ugliness to their lives or anyone elses for that matter.
Yes,I'll be able to watch the NOVA episode if Clinton EVER mails me my T.V..Yes,I'm awaiting my T.V. to be mailed for I don't have $147.00 to buy another T.V..I should get it any day and I will watch that episode.I usually always watch NOVA anyway.
NO,we don't have access to computers!I could imagine the new crimes convicts would get to be able to exploit some young child on the computer.Because I told David & Linda about you,David sent me the article.Linda is blind and is an amazing woman.So self-independent and doesn't use a guide dog.I sent you their number and would really like you to meet them especially before you leave the Rocky Point area.David is a computer programmer who owns Axios products in Commack.He is also a Barbershop singer.Two remarkable people and I don't want to be selfish in keeping them to myself.Please give them a call to introduce yourself.They are now in their 60s and I think they are wonderful people.I'm blessed to have a handful of genuine beautiful people in my life.I told them all about you,but please don't worry them with my starvation plights.Only Mr.Thieben knows about that for I tell him everything.
Truly I thank you Nelly for the money order and your pictures which are priceless!If I see you next month that would be great,but if not,writing to you is a pleasure in itself and let's me escape my confines for brief periods of time.I do hope I'll still be able to write you once you leave your lab and the Rocky Point area or at least until you become bored with my gibberish(smile).
I don't want to say one picture is better than the other,but the one that draws my attention the most is the apartment building with the fire escapes.I just like that picture for some reason?
I'll close for now hoping this letter bfinds you and your family doing well.Please do call David and Lindas and introduce yourself.They're two professionals who are remarkable people.Until next time,take care.
James
P.S.-The August 30th issue of the Village Beacon Record had a good article about a free lance photographer called Jerry McGraph.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
September 11,2012
Dear Nelly,
I am still in shock as to the designing of these cells here in this facility and to top it off,there is wildlife out my backdoor(I'll explain in a minute).
When George Pataki was Governor he built Double-bunk prisons in New York State and before that we never had two men to a cell.ALL the double-bunk prisons are modern day prisons with less bars and more solid doors and cement blocks.It is cost efficient and you can house more inmates.This prison is a maximum security prison with a fence around it.
Think of an apartment building with floors upon floors and that is how the cells are with a back door that opens up to a 10' x 10' steel cage for each cell.They did this to minimize inmate movement when inmates are locked in their cells for rule violations.The officers don't have to open the cells for anything,showers are in the cells as well as the yard.When this prison was first built it was designed to be one big solitary confinement but there weren't enough people to fill the cells so they just made it into a regular population that is double-bunked.They also have a handful of single cells and I'm in one of these.
The prison is surrounded by woods and every day when I walk out the back of my cell I see deer!!They are about 200' away on the other side of the fence,but I could clearly see them.I can't wait for all the trees to lose their leaves so I could see into the trees past the tree line.I want to ask you a question,"Do you think the deer know that the fence protects them from harm for they walk around like they have no worries?"I just wonder if an animal like a deer could be that smart.I know some animals are real smart,but a deer?It is so nice to see deer and it is the first time I've ever seen them where it wasn't T.V. or a picture!
I also love these cells because they're rooms with a steel door and a small window.The cells are so secluded where inmates can't just look into your cell.I love the seclusion and I think I will be fine here until I see my next parole board in 2014.
As I told you,my recent misbehavior reports "DISAPPEARED" so my last report was may of 2011!I am much happier in a happiewr place in my life.It's hard to imagine one finding happiness in prison,but I'm just happier than before.I haven't taken a shower past 10pm and before 7am in 29 years,but I took a shower at 1:30am yesterday.The small things that bring happiness,I have the seven pictures you sent me decorating my walls and I wanted to ask you where that wooden swing is for it looks like bamboo shoots,but that's impossible for Rocky Point(I think)?I think I could identify the beaches with the rocks in the pictures.
How have you been doing?Please write and let me know for as I told you,I'm settled now and this is where I'll be for a long while(probably until I go home)for Albany(Dept. of Corrections)is not very happy with me for what I put them through in the last couple of months.Hey,I really don't give a sh*t what they are happy with for my comfort & safety comes before their feelings.
I'll close hoping all is well with you.Until next time,take good care.
James
I am still in shock as to the designing of these cells here in this facility and to top it off,there is wildlife out my backdoor(I'll explain in a minute).
When George Pataki was Governor he built Double-bunk prisons in New York State and before that we never had two men to a cell.ALL the double-bunk prisons are modern day prisons with less bars and more solid doors and cement blocks.It is cost efficient and you can house more inmates.This prison is a maximum security prison with a fence around it.
Think of an apartment building with floors upon floors and that is how the cells are with a back door that opens up to a 10' x 10' steel cage for each cell.They did this to minimize inmate movement when inmates are locked in their cells for rule violations.The officers don't have to open the cells for anything,showers are in the cells as well as the yard.When this prison was first built it was designed to be one big solitary confinement but there weren't enough people to fill the cells so they just made it into a regular population that is double-bunked.They also have a handful of single cells and I'm in one of these.
The prison is surrounded by woods and every day when I walk out the back of my cell I see deer!!They are about 200' away on the other side of the fence,but I could clearly see them.I can't wait for all the trees to lose their leaves so I could see into the trees past the tree line.I want to ask you a question,"Do you think the deer know that the fence protects them from harm for they walk around like they have no worries?"I just wonder if an animal like a deer could be that smart.I know some animals are real smart,but a deer?It is so nice to see deer and it is the first time I've ever seen them where it wasn't T.V. or a picture!
I also love these cells because they're rooms with a steel door and a small window.The cells are so secluded where inmates can't just look into your cell.I love the seclusion and I think I will be fine here until I see my next parole board in 2014.
As I told you,my recent misbehavior reports "DISAPPEARED" so my last report was may of 2011!I am much happier in a happiewr place in my life.It's hard to imagine one finding happiness in prison,but I'm just happier than before.I haven't taken a shower past 10pm and before 7am in 29 years,but I took a shower at 1:30am yesterday.The small things that bring happiness,I have the seven pictures you sent me decorating my walls and I wanted to ask you where that wooden swing is for it looks like bamboo shoots,but that's impossible for Rocky Point(I think)?I think I could identify the beaches with the rocks in the pictures.
How have you been doing?Please write and let me know for as I told you,I'm settled now and this is where I'll be for a long while(probably until I go home)for Albany(Dept. of Corrections)is not very happy with me for what I put them through in the last couple of months.Hey,I really don't give a sh*t what they are happy with for my comfort & safety comes before their feelings.
I'll close hoping all is well with you.Until next time,take good care.
James
Monday, December 17, 2018
September 10,2012
Dear Nelly,
I'm writing on an old letter of yours because I haven't received my property yet and I have no paper to write you on.
I'm at my final destination and if it could be said about prison,it is beautiful here!!The cells are huge!!That's usually how they're in the newer prisons,but these cells have a shower in them and a door that opens in the back of the cell to a small recreation pen.They are designed so officers have minimal contact with the inmates,but I don't want contact!!!!
It's crazy but very comfortable without cell bars.It's a room where I don't have to deal with many people at ALL!The pictures of Rocky Point look great on my wall.I'll write more soon.
James
I'm writing on an old letter of yours because I haven't received my property yet and I have no paper to write you on.
I'm at my final destination and if it could be said about prison,it is beautiful here!!The cells are huge!!That's usually how they're in the newer prisons,but these cells have a shower in them and a door that opens in the back of the cell to a small recreation pen.They are designed so officers have minimal contact with the inmates,but I don't want contact!!!!
It's crazy but very comfortable without cell bars.It's a room where I don't have to deal with many people at ALL!The pictures of Rocky Point look great on my wall.I'll write more soon.
James
September 4,2012
(This is a period that was very difficult for me with hunger strikes and being at a very low point during my imprisonment.Life was no longer valued or cherished by me and I did not care if I lived or not.I was truly on a mission of self destruction welcoming death if it could be found).
Dear Nelly,
Truly I hope all is well with you once this letter is received.I am finally at my destination and even though I didn't make out so well(I'm 20 minutes from Auburn and one hour and 15 minutes from Syracuse)on the distance from Long Island.I am in a better prison.It was built within the last 15 years,but I guess prison is prison.
I wanted to make this short just so you have my new address.This is my permanent facility just so you know.Please write when you get the chance and don't worry,if you wrote me while I was in Clinton or Coxsackie-the letters will follow.
I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
P.S.-I use to dread this time of the year as a kid for it meant going back to school!!!
Dear Nelly,
Truly I hope all is well with you once this letter is received.I am finally at my destination and even though I didn't make out so well(I'm 20 minutes from Auburn and one hour and 15 minutes from Syracuse)on the distance from Long Island.I am in a better prison.It was built within the last 15 years,but I guess prison is prison.
I wanted to make this short just so you have my new address.This is my permanent facility just so you know.Please write when you get the chance and don't worry,if you wrote me while I was in Clinton or Coxsackie-the letters will follow.
I'll close for now and until next time,take good care.
James
P.S.-I use to dread this time of the year as a kid for it meant going back to school!!!
Sunday, December 16, 2018
August 29,2012
Dear Nelly,
These are times that I believe in God!Enclosed is a copy of my appeal decision from the misbehavior report from 4-2-12!Yes,it was reversed and the misbehavior report I just received for my latest acts have ALL of a sudden DISAPPEARDED(Yeah)!So,I'm out of Clinton and the only suffering I had to endure was not eating for 46 days and having a tube inserted in my stomach.
I am now eating and the tube is still inserted in my stomach because they said it must be there for 6 weeks.
It cost $1.76 for a 30 minute collect call.Could I call you at work?Let me know as well as the number.I only ask in case it is easier for yoyu instead of writing,etc..It's up to youy,too me it doesn't matter.Whatevewr is easier for you.
Hopefully you get approved for the case study and I am in a prison closer for you to visit to do your interview.I will be in a maximum security prison,but it'll only be as far as Clinton if I was to go to Attica and I more than likely won't go there because I was suspected of getting drugs from a C.O. in 1993,when I was last there.I will keep you informed if I do not stay here.
Things are beginning to look better for me which I'm happy with.The hospital here isn't bad:Pretty nurses,a flat screen T.V. in my room,a shower,and a phone in my room.
If you sent me mail to Clinton I will get it,but otherwise-make note of my new address.I can't wait to get to commissary to get a pen.I'll close for now hoping to hear from you soon.
James
These are times that I believe in God!Enclosed is a copy of my appeal decision from the misbehavior report from 4-2-12!Yes,it was reversed and the misbehavior report I just received for my latest acts have ALL of a sudden DISAPPEARDED(Yeah)!So,I'm out of Clinton and the only suffering I had to endure was not eating for 46 days and having a tube inserted in my stomach.
I am now eating and the tube is still inserted in my stomach because they said it must be there for 6 weeks.
It cost $1.76 for a 30 minute collect call.Could I call you at work?Let me know as well as the number.I only ask in case it is easier for yoyu instead of writing,etc..It's up to youy,too me it doesn't matter.Whatevewr is easier for you.
Hopefully you get approved for the case study and I am in a prison closer for you to visit to do your interview.I will be in a maximum security prison,but it'll only be as far as Clinton if I was to go to Attica and I more than likely won't go there because I was suspected of getting drugs from a C.O. in 1993,when I was last there.I will keep you informed if I do not stay here.
Things are beginning to look better for me which I'm happy with.The hospital here isn't bad:Pretty nurses,a flat screen T.V. in my room,a shower,and a phone in my room.
If you sent me mail to Clinton I will get it,but otherwise-make note of my new address.I can't wait to get to commissary to get a pen.I'll close for now hoping to hear from you soon.
James
August 26,2012
DEar Nelly,
I hope all is well with you and as for myself?I feel things are finally getting back to normal.
As I said,I may stay here which is ALOT closer to nLong Island by atleast 41/2 hours.The tube will be taken out of my stomach soon and once I get a pen I want to write you a book!NO,I think you need to understand why things are as they are,why I go to the extreme,etc.
I do welcome your letters and I do hope to hear from you soon.As I always say,please ask whatever questions you may have.
Until I hear from you,I hope all is well.
James
I hope all is well with you and as for myself?I feel things are finally getting back to normal.
As I said,I may stay here which is ALOT closer to nLong Island by atleast 41/2 hours.The tube will be taken out of my stomach soon and once I get a pen I want to write you a book!NO,I think you need to understand why things are as they are,why I go to the extreme,etc.
I do welcome your letters and I do hope to hear from you soon.As I always say,please ask whatever questions you may have.
Until I hear from you,I hope all is well.
James
August 21,2012
Dear Nelly,
I just want to twrite a quick letter to tell you that I'm out of Clinton and I'm in a Regional Medical Unit(R.M.U.)in this correctional facility.I don't know where I'll be transferred to,but it won't be Clinton.It took having a tube put in my stomach,but I'll write more when I get to where I'm going.I'm healing right now.
If you sent any mail,I'll get it so don't worry.
James
I just want to twrite a quick letter to tell you that I'm out of Clinton and I'm in a Regional Medical Unit(R.M.U.)in this correctional facility.I don't know where I'll be transferred to,but it won't be Clinton.It took having a tube put in my stomach,but I'll write more when I get to where I'm going.I'm healing right now.
If you sent any mail,I'll get it so don't worry.
James
Saturday, December 15, 2018
August 13,2012
Dear Nelly,
You see,over the years I haven't always made the best choices in my prison assaults for some of the people I chose to stab were heavy hitters.The problem with that is that I really didn't have other choices for I only needed to think of if I didn't stem the problem(s) then?They may very well have escalated into abuse that was far greater.
I am only sorry for what I did in the sense that I have been denied parole many times behind this behavior.Do I enjoy the fact that I must do what I now do challenging the state to transfer me to another prison?NO matter what stance they now take-I will win this battle for I'm already winning.How you may ask?I'm in the facility hospital which is a safe environment.Sure,I may not have ALL the luxuries that I'd have in general population,but that is where materialistic values come in.I've never been a person who is tempted by materialistic items and I could live comfortably with the basics.Here I have a bed,sink,tiolet,a shower(in my room)and reading/writing materials!That is it,but I'm content for I get my mail,write letters,and I read.Three of my favorite things.
I'm told that this is a danger to my health by not eating or drinking.If you read my letters all this time I'm content with a painless death.When you have lived in a subculture of savagery for all these years the other side may not be all that bad!That is a true statement even though I don't believe the state will allow me to die.
It's a matter of who has a stronger will?Me vs. the State of New York.I will win for they hurt when you hit their pockets and you could believe I'm hitting them.Soon they will realize that all of this will stop with a transfer and they will transfer me.If that doesn't occur then I will go on living as I have since 7-10-12 which isn't all that bad for I know I'm safe from my enemies.I told them as much for you can believe I've had the top officials come interview me.Their latest ploy is the threats of having a tube teathered to the lining of my stomach?My response,"Don't talk about it,lets do it for I haven't gone this far to back ouy now!"Many may not agree with what I choose,but they also do not walk in my shoes.
I know that surgery will be done in an outside hospital which is another zone of comfort.Soon it'll be realized that I'm along for the ride and since there are 15 maximum security prisons,send me to one of those.
I'm still amazed with the quality of your photographs and I really can't wait to see some fall & winter pictures.
Listen,I know the state doesn't like when an inmate tries to dictate or is trying to manipulate the situation,but I really don't care what the Dept. of Corrections likes.I know the state doesn't like spending money either,but I've gotten many officers overtime for each time I am force fed for they must have 4 officers and a sergeant present for those 2 hours.Each officer makes apprrximately $50.00 an hour so it adds up.As I said and I've told them as much,I don't care what they like for I'm dug in and I won't waver in my stance.but that is what has stopped me from striking out and causing mayhem.
I just finished a classic called The Thorn Birds-they had made a T.V. mini series behind it,but the book was great.Did you ever read it?What type of books do you like to read?At one time,I was picky,but I'll read just about anything now.
I await ANY questions you may have and until then,take very good care.
James
You see,over the years I haven't always made the best choices in my prison assaults for some of the people I chose to stab were heavy hitters.The problem with that is that I really didn't have other choices for I only needed to think of if I didn't stem the problem(s) then?They may very well have escalated into abuse that was far greater.
I am only sorry for what I did in the sense that I have been denied parole many times behind this behavior.Do I enjoy the fact that I must do what I now do challenging the state to transfer me to another prison?NO matter what stance they now take-I will win this battle for I'm already winning.How you may ask?I'm in the facility hospital which is a safe environment.Sure,I may not have ALL the luxuries that I'd have in general population,but that is where materialistic values come in.I've never been a person who is tempted by materialistic items and I could live comfortably with the basics.Here I have a bed,sink,tiolet,a shower(in my room)and reading/writing materials!That is it,but I'm content for I get my mail,write letters,and I read.Three of my favorite things.
I'm told that this is a danger to my health by not eating or drinking.If you read my letters all this time I'm content with a painless death.When you have lived in a subculture of savagery for all these years the other side may not be all that bad!That is a true statement even though I don't believe the state will allow me to die.
It's a matter of who has a stronger will?Me vs. the State of New York.I will win for they hurt when you hit their pockets and you could believe I'm hitting them.Soon they will realize that all of this will stop with a transfer and they will transfer me.If that doesn't occur then I will go on living as I have since 7-10-12 which isn't all that bad for I know I'm safe from my enemies.I told them as much for you can believe I've had the top officials come interview me.Their latest ploy is the threats of having a tube teathered to the lining of my stomach?My response,"Don't talk about it,lets do it for I haven't gone this far to back ouy now!"Many may not agree with what I choose,but they also do not walk in my shoes.
I know that surgery will be done in an outside hospital which is another zone of comfort.Soon it'll be realized that I'm along for the ride and since there are 15 maximum security prisons,send me to one of those.
I'm still amazed with the quality of your photographs and I really can't wait to see some fall & winter pictures.
Listen,I know the state doesn't like when an inmate tries to dictate or is trying to manipulate the situation,but I really don't care what the Dept. of Corrections likes.I know the state doesn't like spending money either,but I've gotten many officers overtime for each time I am force fed for they must have 4 officers and a sergeant present for those 2 hours.Each officer makes apprrximately $50.00 an hour so it adds up.As I said and I've told them as much,I don't care what they like for I'm dug in and I won't waver in my stance.but that is what has stopped me from striking out and causing mayhem.
I just finished a classic called The Thorn Birds-they had made a T.V. mini series behind it,but the book was great.Did you ever read it?What type of books do you like to read?At one time,I was picky,but I'll read just about anything now.
I await ANY questions you may have and until then,take very good care.
James
Monday, December 10, 2018
May 29,2012
Dear Nelly,
I've thought of everything and I even took it to a religious level where I ask,"if God has a plan for me,why does he make me suffer like this?'I don't know if I believe in GOD and it hurts me to write this for I want to believe in things that are beautiful and all that God represents and stands for is beautiful.
I love Mr.Thieben and all that,but he EITHER only believes in the good of the system or he just believes I'll be released when I'm released.I disagree with his line of thinking and I won't bite the hand that feeds me as I did with my mother in 2003.Sure,at times I'd love to give him a piece of my mind,but I guess the bottom line is this,"How obligated is a friend to help another?"Well,I know what I'd do for a friend and I guess I can't expect every one to think as I do.
One thing that is a fact as I know it?The Officers run these prisons!They let it be known that they will kill you if you step out of line and they do it.I have seen it done many times.A little less in this ear but two years ago an inmate was killed for "eye balling" a nurse.The inmate was thrown down a flight of steel steps.His family ordered an independent autopsy and in the newspaper up here it was written that the inmate was trying to be restrained and he fought these efforts.
Those officers still work here and they are known as a part of the "Black Glove"crew.You'll see when you come up(I'll point it out to you)a lot of the officers have the gloves(leather)stuffed in their belts at the small of their backs.A lot of the officers walk around with them on as an intimidation factor.I sent Mr.Thieben the articles from the newspapewr and the thing is that I NEVER saw an officer prosecuted!This may be "infrequent"that someone will die,but it is very frequent that the officers beat up an inmate.It happens at least twice a week.
We have what is called the Inmate Laison Committee(I.L.C.)and they are inmates voted and each cell block has an I.L.C. representative.These are inmates who take complaints to the administration once a month.Every time I read the I.L.C. minutes there is always something about the staff assaulting inmates & the nurses covering up the assaults.Each answer is always "WE have zero tolerance for staff assaults and each complaint is thoroughly investigated."Well,inmates are still being beatened!It is an intimidation ploy where the officers want it to be known that they run the prison and that's it.It's worse than the Rodney King incident for there are only SOME cameras in designated areas.Some inmates do deserve to be smacked around,but this is worse than being smacked-this is kicked,punched,and hit with batons.
When I swallowed that razor an officer came to my cell and said,"Morgan,if you want a sure way of dying,go to the yard and grab an officer with a weapon in your hand.The officers in the towers arev expert marksmen!"I never felt so much wfere my life is in another's control as I do here in prison.It is no myth.You may notice that I'll jump around with subjects and this is because I sometimes put the letter down and when it is picked up there are other thoughts in my head.If you ever need me to go in depth on something,just ask.
Just to put a damper on what most believe to be an every day occurrence in prisons?Rapes are rare!Yes,they do happen,but not as much as they once did!The prisons today have a lot more security then they once did.A lot of the inmates who do this sort of thing are well known and they are called "BOOTY BANDITS".Most of them are older with time in like I have and they target the young feminine looking inmates.They first will try to "groom" the inmate and if they see that isn't working they will rape him.
Some inmate's cries will fall on deaf ears for a time if that inmate is in prison for a sex crime(rape or child molestation).The officers will usually tell the inmates who has a sex crime because people with sex crimes are considered prison scum and they have rough sentences because they must defend themselves against the inmates and officers.They usually have a hard way to go.
Prison is a long way from the quiet serene streets of Rocky Point.The things I have witnessed is crazy.I remember in 2002,when they made it a felony for inmates who threw feces or urine on the staff in a prison.It's called being "shit down" and I've seen chaplains,nurses,officers,and inmates get shit down.Some inmates in the box are known for being "notorious" shit throwers.If they don't like what a staff member says or does they will deficate in a cup and throw it on them.This is a savage act and it happens daily in solitary confinement.Most of these inmates are put behind plexiglass,but once that punishment is up they are at it again.They are not allowd(by law)to keep plexiglass on an inmates cell bars indefinitely.The courts know the officers will abuse this for random inmates.Another punishment for these acts is being placed on "The Loaf" which is where you are fed a large piece of bread at every meal.They could only do this in weekly cycles.Some times inmates aren't even prosecuted for they have life anyway.I think an inmate who throws shit deserves to be KILLED!
Another thing I'm curious about is who still lives in Rocky Point?Like the old neighbors that lived up the street from me.I know they still can't be alive 30 years later(they were in their 70s then) and even ALL the other persons who really had no significance in my life,but I'd really still like to know what happened to them,the changes,where there were summer homes or woods?Are they still there,etc..It's the things that really shouldn't mean anything that seem to mean the most to me.Maybe it's because I don't know that much more than Rocky Point.
I would have written you even if you didn't live in Rocky Point,but it helped.I knew I didn't know either last name(Alia or Klein)but I know whatever place I mention,you may know as you said you recognized some of the streets I mentioned.
Why?I don't know,but up until the beginning of this year,it was called Department of Corrections and Community Supervision and instead of being called inmates,we're now called "Offenders".Go figure,but I'll just stick with the old.
Have you ever seen a maximum security prison in New York State?The old prisons are Auburn,Sing Sing,Clinton(they were built in that order and than I'm not sure what order these last ones are in:Elmira,Eastern,& Attica.These & prisons were the ones that were here when I first started my sentence and than when George Pataki became Governor he built 5 or 6 more maximum prisons,but the difference from the old prisons to the modern day prisons is a 35-40 foot concrete wall that surrounds the old prisons as opposed to fences that surround the modern day prisons.These old prisons don't have running hot water in the cells,the new ones do.
When you drive up to this prison you'll see and drive along side a large white wall that runs about 3/4 of a mile.It is an eerie sight and other than mountains and trees I see nothing beyond the wall except the sky.I am not sure I want to see anything more for it may make it harder to realize and be reminded of what I miss.
It is said that there are 2 seasons up here and they are fall and winter with the winter lasting 10 months.Eighty degrees is a heatwave up here and anything below 3 feet of snow is only flurries.The town is like the movie "DELIVERANCE",nothing but tobacco chewing hillbillies and if you're not from Dannemora you are "down from the city where the niggers live"according to the officers.When the blocks get noisy they will get on the P.A. system and say,"Shut your jungle traps you fucking monkeys".They don't hide their racism and white inmates usually have it easier(the better jobs & programs).It's a fact of life up here and NOT one officer up here is black.
What do you miss about Israel as opposed to living on Long Island?It would be real good if you picked up the book,"In The Belly of The Beast" written by Norman Mailer about Jack Henry Abbott.I was friends with Jack until he hung himself in 2002,but he revealed a lot about New York State prisons.I read this book while I was a patient in Kings Park Psychiatric Center a month or two before I was arrested.I met Jack 4 years later(he was in the cell next to mine in !987)and I was in Wende Corr. Fac. when he hung himself.
I think I told you my sister lives in Wading River?Where exactly I couldn't tell you,but you could probably find out a lot from her.I don't know if you have time to drive all over,but she could probably answer a lot about my family & I.What she reveals is of no interest to me.It's hard to explain what I now feel for a family I was once so close to.Did you have good friends in Israel that you were close to,but because of the distance and not seeing one another,that closeness diminishes.Well,that is the same as with my family.My sister sees the world through "rose colored"glasses(you've heard that saying before right).Everything is good and God has all the answers she once told me.If I was a close to being a perfect child I could have had a better life growing up.My older brother said my stepfather disciplined me,it wasn't child abuse.I don't know,I feel it was abuse and I don't care what era it was/is.Okay,I've given you enough to keep busy for awhile.I'll write more later in the week.Until then,take good care of yourself.
James
I've thought of everything and I even took it to a religious level where I ask,"if God has a plan for me,why does he make me suffer like this?'I don't know if I believe in GOD and it hurts me to write this for I want to believe in things that are beautiful and all that God represents and stands for is beautiful.
I love Mr.Thieben and all that,but he EITHER only believes in the good of the system or he just believes I'll be released when I'm released.I disagree with his line of thinking and I won't bite the hand that feeds me as I did with my mother in 2003.Sure,at times I'd love to give him a piece of my mind,but I guess the bottom line is this,"How obligated is a friend to help another?"Well,I know what I'd do for a friend and I guess I can't expect every one to think as I do.
One thing that is a fact as I know it?The Officers run these prisons!They let it be known that they will kill you if you step out of line and they do it.I have seen it done many times.A little less in this ear but two years ago an inmate was killed for "eye balling" a nurse.The inmate was thrown down a flight of steel steps.His family ordered an independent autopsy and in the newspaper up here it was written that the inmate was trying to be restrained and he fought these efforts.
Those officers still work here and they are known as a part of the "Black Glove"crew.You'll see when you come up(I'll point it out to you)a lot of the officers have the gloves(leather)stuffed in their belts at the small of their backs.A lot of the officers walk around with them on as an intimidation factor.I sent Mr.Thieben the articles from the newspapewr and the thing is that I NEVER saw an officer prosecuted!This may be "infrequent"that someone will die,but it is very frequent that the officers beat up an inmate.It happens at least twice a week.
We have what is called the Inmate Laison Committee(I.L.C.)and they are inmates voted and each cell block has an I.L.C. representative.These are inmates who take complaints to the administration once a month.Every time I read the I.L.C. minutes there is always something about the staff assaulting inmates & the nurses covering up the assaults.Each answer is always "WE have zero tolerance for staff assaults and each complaint is thoroughly investigated."Well,inmates are still being beatened!It is an intimidation ploy where the officers want it to be known that they run the prison and that's it.It's worse than the Rodney King incident for there are only SOME cameras in designated areas.Some inmates do deserve to be smacked around,but this is worse than being smacked-this is kicked,punched,and hit with batons.
When I swallowed that razor an officer came to my cell and said,"Morgan,if you want a sure way of dying,go to the yard and grab an officer with a weapon in your hand.The officers in the towers arev expert marksmen!"I never felt so much wfere my life is in another's control as I do here in prison.It is no myth.You may notice that I'll jump around with subjects and this is because I sometimes put the letter down and when it is picked up there are other thoughts in my head.If you ever need me to go in depth on something,just ask.
Just to put a damper on what most believe to be an every day occurrence in prisons?Rapes are rare!Yes,they do happen,but not as much as they once did!The prisons today have a lot more security then they once did.A lot of the inmates who do this sort of thing are well known and they are called "BOOTY BANDITS".Most of them are older with time in like I have and they target the young feminine looking inmates.They first will try to "groom" the inmate and if they see that isn't working they will rape him.
Some inmate's cries will fall on deaf ears for a time if that inmate is in prison for a sex crime(rape or child molestation).The officers will usually tell the inmates who has a sex crime because people with sex crimes are considered prison scum and they have rough sentences because they must defend themselves against the inmates and officers.They usually have a hard way to go.
Prison is a long way from the quiet serene streets of Rocky Point.The things I have witnessed is crazy.I remember in 2002,when they made it a felony for inmates who threw feces or urine on the staff in a prison.It's called being "shit down" and I've seen chaplains,nurses,officers,and inmates get shit down.Some inmates in the box are known for being "notorious" shit throwers.If they don't like what a staff member says or does they will deficate in a cup and throw it on them.This is a savage act and it happens daily in solitary confinement.Most of these inmates are put behind plexiglass,but once that punishment is up they are at it again.They are not allowd(by law)to keep plexiglass on an inmates cell bars indefinitely.The courts know the officers will abuse this for random inmates.Another punishment for these acts is being placed on "The Loaf" which is where you are fed a large piece of bread at every meal.They could only do this in weekly cycles.Some times inmates aren't even prosecuted for they have life anyway.I think an inmate who throws shit deserves to be KILLED!
Another thing I'm curious about is who still lives in Rocky Point?Like the old neighbors that lived up the street from me.I know they still can't be alive 30 years later(they were in their 70s then) and even ALL the other persons who really had no significance in my life,but I'd really still like to know what happened to them,the changes,where there were summer homes or woods?Are they still there,etc..It's the things that really shouldn't mean anything that seem to mean the most to me.Maybe it's because I don't know that much more than Rocky Point.
I would have written you even if you didn't live in Rocky Point,but it helped.I knew I didn't know either last name(Alia or Klein)but I know whatever place I mention,you may know as you said you recognized some of the streets I mentioned.
Why?I don't know,but up until the beginning of this year,it was called Department of Corrections and Community Supervision and instead of being called inmates,we're now called "Offenders".Go figure,but I'll just stick with the old.
Have you ever seen a maximum security prison in New York State?The old prisons are Auburn,Sing Sing,Clinton(they were built in that order and than I'm not sure what order these last ones are in:Elmira,Eastern,& Attica.These & prisons were the ones that were here when I first started my sentence and than when George Pataki became Governor he built 5 or 6 more maximum prisons,but the difference from the old prisons to the modern day prisons is a 35-40 foot concrete wall that surrounds the old prisons as opposed to fences that surround the modern day prisons.These old prisons don't have running hot water in the cells,the new ones do.
When you drive up to this prison you'll see and drive along side a large white wall that runs about 3/4 of a mile.It is an eerie sight and other than mountains and trees I see nothing beyond the wall except the sky.I am not sure I want to see anything more for it may make it harder to realize and be reminded of what I miss.
It is said that there are 2 seasons up here and they are fall and winter with the winter lasting 10 months.Eighty degrees is a heatwave up here and anything below 3 feet of snow is only flurries.The town is like the movie "DELIVERANCE",nothing but tobacco chewing hillbillies and if you're not from Dannemora you are "down from the city where the niggers live"according to the officers.When the blocks get noisy they will get on the P.A. system and say,"Shut your jungle traps you fucking monkeys".They don't hide their racism and white inmates usually have it easier(the better jobs & programs).It's a fact of life up here and NOT one officer up here is black.
What do you miss about Israel as opposed to living on Long Island?It would be real good if you picked up the book,"In The Belly of The Beast" written by Norman Mailer about Jack Henry Abbott.I was friends with Jack until he hung himself in 2002,but he revealed a lot about New York State prisons.I read this book while I was a patient in Kings Park Psychiatric Center a month or two before I was arrested.I met Jack 4 years later(he was in the cell next to mine in !987)and I was in Wende Corr. Fac. when he hung himself.
I think I told you my sister lives in Wading River?Where exactly I couldn't tell you,but you could probably find out a lot from her.I don't know if you have time to drive all over,but she could probably answer a lot about my family & I.What she reveals is of no interest to me.It's hard to explain what I now feel for a family I was once so close to.Did you have good friends in Israel that you were close to,but because of the distance and not seeing one another,that closeness diminishes.Well,that is the same as with my family.My sister sees the world through "rose colored"glasses(you've heard that saying before right).Everything is good and God has all the answers she once told me.If I was a close to being a perfect child I could have had a better life growing up.My older brother said my stepfather disciplined me,it wasn't child abuse.I don't know,I feel it was abuse and I don't care what era it was/is.Okay,I've given you enough to keep busy for awhile.I'll write more later in the week.Until then,take good care of yourself.
James
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
May 21,2012
Dear Nelly,
Prison?I don't care who you're,there comes a point in time when you must make a stance via violence.If you don't you will be pursued is why I said you're either prey or predator.
I think when I first came to prison I anticipated that TEST and that test will usually determine if you will be abused during your sentence.There is no backing down and it doesn't matter if you win or lose,it matters if you stand uo for yourself.Every day is a TEST for if you want to survive this world,you live for today not concerned with what tomorrow will bring.You must live today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.It is a heavy price to pay when you have to live for today while your goal is freedom.Trouble won't gain you freedom,but it will gain you respect and a place here in prison.
It is sort of like the school yard bully picking on the person he knows won't put up much of a fight.In here it is easier to prey on the weak.I liken this world to that of the African Plains.Some animals spend their lives on the run as prey to predators.In here it is filled with predators preying and salivating for ones that are weak and they could live off of.There are 1000s of different personalities and moods that you just don't know.
You are forever on guard not knowing if someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,if your look is imposing to them,if they are naturally paranoid,not working with a full deck,or if they are looking to use you to set an example.You must always be ready to fight for violence can and will arise at any given time.You can't live to p-lease others beyond these walls for you must live for yourself because no one beyond these walls could save you in here.I remember my mother once told me that,"I'll always be #1 with her,I don't have to be #1 in there."She was so wrong for it's not being #1 in here,it's about being respected and treated as a man.That isn't a given just because one has a penis.
When I was in the county jail waiting to be transferred to a state prison it was a moment I couldn't wait for and one I feared.I believe the rumors of the danger begin even before you're arrested via movies,reading,or talk on the streets.Prison is known for it's violence and if you aren't a fighter you best learn how to fight.
Prison is a world of clicks that are usually based on race,religion,or gangs.In the last 18 years the Bloods and Crips are two gangs that have dominated the prison system.Usually their violence is amongst each other or within their own gang.
Many get involved in gangs because they know they are more powerful in masses then they are alone.You have muslims,5%ers,Latin Kings,Bloods,Crips,Skinheads,Aryans,and race always seems to be a factor.Racism will NEVER go away in prison for inmates are separated according to the color of your skin.Sure,there are dealings that go on amongst the races,but in the end you fall with your own kind.
Not every prison yard has courts where certain areas of the yard are designated as/for certain groups,but inmates designate areas themselves.For instance,only three maximum security prisons have courts(Clinton,Auburn,and Greenhaven)but all of them have specific areas,tables,corners,etc. that are controlled by certain races,gangs,or groups.Inmates know what areas are off limits unless you are apart of that sect and many have lost their lives by steppin g on another groups area.There are even phones in the yard that are used and controlled by certain gangs,groups,or races.The prison administrations know that this takes place and the only thing they concentrate on are the "gangs"!
Correctional Officers will tell you when you enter prison,"You want to kill each other-that is fine.If you touch a staff member we'll kill you".The C.O.s don't like the gangs for their jobs are made difficult when violence erupts.Whenever there is violence of any kind the alarm on the C.O.s walkie-talkies sounds and they brespond to that area.When the C.O.s respond it is like a cherd of elephants and you best not be in their way.When there is a fight of any kind in the yard all those that aren't involved are ordered to layb on your belly on the ground.It doesn't matter what the weather is and you'll stay there until the watch commander tells you that you can get up.Sometimes as harassment they will leave us laying there longer if it is raining or there is snow on the ground(we get about 9' of snow in the winter up near the Canadian border).
Usually any type of violence in the messhall is an automatic trip to the box(solitary confinement).It is an area that usually has the most inmates at any given time and the officers know the dangers when large groups are together.It could easily spark a riot and when violence does erupt in the mess hall the administration will set an example by beating those involved as well as the punishment in the box.It doesn't stop the violence,but inmates will usually cause violence in other places because they know the consequences.Some just don't care though.
I once had a girlfriend tell me that it was impossible for me to be "normal" after being in prison for so long(this November will be 29 years).I'm 47 and have been here since I'm 18!I don't know(?) if I do know anything else and can you believe my most cherished desire is to walk the streets of Rocky Point to see how much has changed in 30 plus years(it will be atleast that long before I am released).Isn't that crazy & weird?I have nothing as far as thoughts beyond that because I really do not know if I realize what I'm being released to.I really have nothing and the closest people to me are in their 60s or older.
This prison sentence has truly ruined my life beyond the 30 plus years I will have served.I have a family,but I might as well not have one for I do not even know if they will even talk to me again.I don't want to use prison as an excuse,but they never seem to understand when I express myself or why I feel as I do.I'm not sure if I dom or will miss my family in life for I'm so use to being alone.
It is so easy for me to be without HOPE.How come it is so hard for people to understand if I tell them I wish I could go to sleep and never awaken?I believe it is because they have a life to live beyond a prison wall and could never understand what I live each and every day.There isn't much in here to look forward to.Getting a piece of mail or going to commissary is what I look forward to and there really isn't much else.People end their letters telling me to "keep the faith",but what is there to keep the faith in?
I've been to the parole board 7 times(every two years-2000,2002,2004,2006,2008,2010,&2012)and I'm not sure if I ever believed I'd make it.I don't know why this is for I served my punishment,learned my lesson,etc.,but I never did feel I'd make it.I don't know what to feel and often wonder if I will die in prison?At one time,it was the worst thought I could ever think,but I really don't know or believe I care when or where I die.I think it's because I have no one to live for.Living for myself isn't enough for if it comes down to just me I suppose I think what will make me happier and being dead isn't in prison.NO,I'm not suicidal as I write this letter for I'm just trying to show that HOPE is what keeps me going from day to day and it slowly slips from my heart.It is so easy to regain it with meeting someone which I use to do so easily,but now it's like I'm giving up on looking to do this anymore as well.I just wish it was easy and painless to die.I guess in order for you to understand prison(my environment)you must understand what it does to one's mind.I'm not sure if others feel as I do,but I'd think it's impossible for people not to feel as I do.
I'm not sure what title should be placed on our correspondence,but I value it as just that.A CORRESPONDENCE!I really do enjoy writing to you for it makes me think of things I may not have thought about before.It is a feeling of wealth to be able to have thoughts beyond these walls and writing you does just that.
Though we had an inground pool we still went tom the beach(Hallock Landing mainly)a lot.In the summer as a child(probably between the ages of 9-12)my sister would take Paul and I to the beach every day.We'd pack a lunch and go to spend the day at nthe beach.My sister(Cathy)watched us as kids.
I do understand that your letters will be less frequent then mine.It is "I" with all the idle time to do nothing except write so please don't believe I expected you to match my letters.
Monday thru Friday we get yard recreation approximately 3 hours each day.The prison is broken up into two sides-East & West(the East is the wilder side).It rotates daily where the East side will have their recreation from 2:30pm-5:30pm and the West side will have it from 6:30pm_9:30pm.On the weekends and holidays recreation is longer.It rotates as well where one side has it from 9am-2:30pm and than the other side goes out from 4pm-9:30pm.Some maximum security prisons have recreation 3 times a day-morning,afternoon,and night,but this one doesn't.Too much recreation usually means that prison has less programs for the population to attend.
I always liken prison to a school for I think it's the easiest way to form a picture in your head.Imagine a 35' concrete wall surrounding a school and the school is the prison.Just like a school having different classes,we have different programs.Right after breakfast you go to programs for 3 hours,after lunch it's 3 hours,and at night it's 3 hours.Usually inmates are required to take 2 programs,but if you work you only take 1 because it is 6 hours a day.They do have programs that are no show jobs.You get credit,but you're never called for the program.
There are some programs that are mandatory.If you have drugs involved in your case you must take a drug program,if you have a violent crime you take a violence program.You'd be foolish not to enroll in these programs for if you appear before the parole board without them,you're almost guaranteed to be denied parole.If you take a drug or violence program and you relapse while in prison(get caught using drugs or if you're involved in violence)you must take these programs all over again.It is no different if you take these programs in society.They work for some and not for others which is why prisons are full today.
I am sorry this is so sloppy,but as I write fast it gets sloppy.As much as I want to be interviewed don't think you have to go out of your way to do so.What I mean is that you don't have to make it for any specific time.When it happens,it happens.
I'll close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
Prison?I don't care who you're,there comes a point in time when you must make a stance via violence.If you don't you will be pursued is why I said you're either prey or predator.
I think when I first came to prison I anticipated that TEST and that test will usually determine if you will be abused during your sentence.There is no backing down and it doesn't matter if you win or lose,it matters if you stand uo for yourself.Every day is a TEST for if you want to survive this world,you live for today not concerned with what tomorrow will bring.You must live today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.It is a heavy price to pay when you have to live for today while your goal is freedom.Trouble won't gain you freedom,but it will gain you respect and a place here in prison.
It is sort of like the school yard bully picking on the person he knows won't put up much of a fight.In here it is easier to prey on the weak.I liken this world to that of the African Plains.Some animals spend their lives on the run as prey to predators.In here it is filled with predators preying and salivating for ones that are weak and they could live off of.There are 1000s of different personalities and moods that you just don't know.
You are forever on guard not knowing if someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,if your look is imposing to them,if they are naturally paranoid,not working with a full deck,or if they are looking to use you to set an example.You must always be ready to fight for violence can and will arise at any given time.You can't live to p-lease others beyond these walls for you must live for yourself because no one beyond these walls could save you in here.I remember my mother once told me that,"I'll always be #1 with her,I don't have to be #1 in there."She was so wrong for it's not being #1 in here,it's about being respected and treated as a man.That isn't a given just because one has a penis.
When I was in the county jail waiting to be transferred to a state prison it was a moment I couldn't wait for and one I feared.I believe the rumors of the danger begin even before you're arrested via movies,reading,or talk on the streets.Prison is known for it's violence and if you aren't a fighter you best learn how to fight.
Prison is a world of clicks that are usually based on race,religion,or gangs.In the last 18 years the Bloods and Crips are two gangs that have dominated the prison system.Usually their violence is amongst each other or within their own gang.
Many get involved in gangs because they know they are more powerful in masses then they are alone.You have muslims,5%ers,Latin Kings,Bloods,Crips,Skinheads,Aryans,and race always seems to be a factor.Racism will NEVER go away in prison for inmates are separated according to the color of your skin.Sure,there are dealings that go on amongst the races,but in the end you fall with your own kind.
Not every prison yard has courts where certain areas of the yard are designated as/for certain groups,but inmates designate areas themselves.For instance,only three maximum security prisons have courts(Clinton,Auburn,and Greenhaven)but all of them have specific areas,tables,corners,etc. that are controlled by certain races,gangs,or groups.Inmates know what areas are off limits unless you are apart of that sect and many have lost their lives by steppin g on another groups area.There are even phones in the yard that are used and controlled by certain gangs,groups,or races.The prison administrations know that this takes place and the only thing they concentrate on are the "gangs"!
Correctional Officers will tell you when you enter prison,"You want to kill each other-that is fine.If you touch a staff member we'll kill you".The C.O.s don't like the gangs for their jobs are made difficult when violence erupts.Whenever there is violence of any kind the alarm on the C.O.s walkie-talkies sounds and they brespond to that area.When the C.O.s respond it is like a cherd of elephants and you best not be in their way.When there is a fight of any kind in the yard all those that aren't involved are ordered to layb on your belly on the ground.It doesn't matter what the weather is and you'll stay there until the watch commander tells you that you can get up.Sometimes as harassment they will leave us laying there longer if it is raining or there is snow on the ground(we get about 9' of snow in the winter up near the Canadian border).
Usually any type of violence in the messhall is an automatic trip to the box(solitary confinement).It is an area that usually has the most inmates at any given time and the officers know the dangers when large groups are together.It could easily spark a riot and when violence does erupt in the mess hall the administration will set an example by beating those involved as well as the punishment in the box.It doesn't stop the violence,but inmates will usually cause violence in other places because they know the consequences.Some just don't care though.
I once had a girlfriend tell me that it was impossible for me to be "normal" after being in prison for so long(this November will be 29 years).I'm 47 and have been here since I'm 18!I don't know(?) if I do know anything else and can you believe my most cherished desire is to walk the streets of Rocky Point to see how much has changed in 30 plus years(it will be atleast that long before I am released).Isn't that crazy & weird?I have nothing as far as thoughts beyond that because I really do not know if I realize what I'm being released to.I really have nothing and the closest people to me are in their 60s or older.
This prison sentence has truly ruined my life beyond the 30 plus years I will have served.I have a family,but I might as well not have one for I do not even know if they will even talk to me again.I don't want to use prison as an excuse,but they never seem to understand when I express myself or why I feel as I do.I'm not sure if I dom or will miss my family in life for I'm so use to being alone.
It is so easy for me to be without HOPE.How come it is so hard for people to understand if I tell them I wish I could go to sleep and never awaken?I believe it is because they have a life to live beyond a prison wall and could never understand what I live each and every day.There isn't much in here to look forward to.Getting a piece of mail or going to commissary is what I look forward to and there really isn't much else.People end their letters telling me to "keep the faith",but what is there to keep the faith in?
I've been to the parole board 7 times(every two years-2000,2002,2004,2006,2008,2010,&2012)and I'm not sure if I ever believed I'd make it.I don't know why this is for I served my punishment,learned my lesson,etc.,but I never did feel I'd make it.I don't know what to feel and often wonder if I will die in prison?At one time,it was the worst thought I could ever think,but I really don't know or believe I care when or where I die.I think it's because I have no one to live for.Living for myself isn't enough for if it comes down to just me I suppose I think what will make me happier and being dead isn't in prison.NO,I'm not suicidal as I write this letter for I'm just trying to show that HOPE is what keeps me going from day to day and it slowly slips from my heart.It is so easy to regain it with meeting someone which I use to do so easily,but now it's like I'm giving up on looking to do this anymore as well.I just wish it was easy and painless to die.I guess in order for you to understand prison(my environment)you must understand what it does to one's mind.I'm not sure if others feel as I do,but I'd think it's impossible for people not to feel as I do.
I'm not sure what title should be placed on our correspondence,but I value it as just that.A CORRESPONDENCE!I really do enjoy writing to you for it makes me think of things I may not have thought about before.It is a feeling of wealth to be able to have thoughts beyond these walls and writing you does just that.
Though we had an inground pool we still went tom the beach(Hallock Landing mainly)a lot.In the summer as a child(probably between the ages of 9-12)my sister would take Paul and I to the beach every day.We'd pack a lunch and go to spend the day at nthe beach.My sister(Cathy)watched us as kids.
I do understand that your letters will be less frequent then mine.It is "I" with all the idle time to do nothing except write so please don't believe I expected you to match my letters.
Monday thru Friday we get yard recreation approximately 3 hours each day.The prison is broken up into two sides-East & West(the East is the wilder side).It rotates daily where the East side will have their recreation from 2:30pm-5:30pm and the West side will have it from 6:30pm_9:30pm.On the weekends and holidays recreation is longer.It rotates as well where one side has it from 9am-2:30pm and than the other side goes out from 4pm-9:30pm.Some maximum security prisons have recreation 3 times a day-morning,afternoon,and night,but this one doesn't.Too much recreation usually means that prison has less programs for the population to attend.
I always liken prison to a school for I think it's the easiest way to form a picture in your head.Imagine a 35' concrete wall surrounding a school and the school is the prison.Just like a school having different classes,we have different programs.Right after breakfast you go to programs for 3 hours,after lunch it's 3 hours,and at night it's 3 hours.Usually inmates are required to take 2 programs,but if you work you only take 1 because it is 6 hours a day.They do have programs that are no show jobs.You get credit,but you're never called for the program.
There are some programs that are mandatory.If you have drugs involved in your case you must take a drug program,if you have a violent crime you take a violence program.You'd be foolish not to enroll in these programs for if you appear before the parole board without them,you're almost guaranteed to be denied parole.If you take a drug or violence program and you relapse while in prison(get caught using drugs or if you're involved in violence)you must take these programs all over again.It is no different if you take these programs in society.They work for some and not for others which is why prisons are full today.
I am sorry this is so sloppy,but as I write fast it gets sloppy.As much as I want to be interviewed don't think you have to go out of your way to do so.What I mean is that you don't have to make it for any specific time.When it happens,it happens.
I'll close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
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