Dear Nelly,
Prison?I don't care who you're,there comes a point in time when you must make a stance via violence.If you don't you will be pursued is why I said you're either prey or predator.
I think when I first came to prison I anticipated that TEST and that test will usually determine if you will be abused during your sentence.There is no backing down and it doesn't matter if you win or lose,it matters if you stand uo for yourself.Every day is a TEST for if you want to survive this world,you live for today not concerned with what tomorrow will bring.You must live today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.It is a heavy price to pay when you have to live for today while your goal is freedom.Trouble won't gain you freedom,but it will gain you respect and a place here in prison.
It is sort of like the school yard bully picking on the person he knows won't put up much of a fight.In here it is easier to prey on the weak.I liken this world to that of the African Plains.Some animals spend their lives on the run as prey to predators.In here it is filled with predators preying and salivating for ones that are weak and they could live off of.There are 1000s of different personalities and moods that you just don't know.
You are forever on guard not knowing if someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,if your look is imposing to them,if they are naturally paranoid,not working with a full deck,or if they are looking to use you to set an example.You must always be ready to fight for violence can and will arise at any given time.You can't live to p-lease others beyond these walls for you must live for yourself because no one beyond these walls could save you in here.I remember my mother once told me that,"I'll always be #1 with her,I don't have to be #1 in there."She was so wrong for it's not being #1 in here,it's about being respected and treated as a man.That isn't a given just because one has a penis.
When I was in the county jail waiting to be transferred to a state prison it was a moment I couldn't wait for and one I feared.I believe the rumors of the danger begin even before you're arrested via movies,reading,or talk on the streets.Prison is known for it's violence and if you aren't a fighter you best learn how to fight.
Prison is a world of clicks that are usually based on race,religion,or gangs.In the last 18 years the Bloods and Crips are two gangs that have dominated the prison system.Usually their violence is amongst each other or within their own gang.
Many get involved in gangs because they know they are more powerful in masses then they are alone.You have muslims,5%ers,Latin Kings,Bloods,Crips,Skinheads,Aryans,and race always seems to be a factor.Racism will NEVER go away in prison for inmates are separated according to the color of your skin.Sure,there are dealings that go on amongst the races,but in the end you fall with your own kind.
Not every prison yard has courts where certain areas of the yard are designated as/for certain groups,but inmates designate areas themselves.For instance,only three maximum security prisons have courts(Clinton,Auburn,and Greenhaven)but all of them have specific areas,tables,corners,etc. that are controlled by certain races,gangs,or groups.Inmates know what areas are off limits unless you are apart of that sect and many have lost their lives by steppin g on another groups area.There are even phones in the yard that are used and controlled by certain gangs,groups,or races.The prison administrations know that this takes place and the only thing they concentrate on are the "gangs"!
Correctional Officers will tell you when you enter prison,"You want to kill each other-that is fine.If you touch a staff member we'll kill you".The C.O.s don't like the gangs for their jobs are made difficult when violence erupts.Whenever there is violence of any kind the alarm on the C.O.s walkie-talkies sounds and they brespond to that area.When the C.O.s respond it is like a cherd of elephants and you best not be in their way.When there is a fight of any kind in the yard all those that aren't involved are ordered to layb on your belly on the ground.It doesn't matter what the weather is and you'll stay there until the watch commander tells you that you can get up.Sometimes as harassment they will leave us laying there longer if it is raining or there is snow on the ground(we get about 9' of snow in the winter up near the Canadian border).
Usually any type of violence in the messhall is an automatic trip to the box(solitary confinement).It is an area that usually has the most inmates at any given time and the officers know the dangers when large groups are together.It could easily spark a riot and when violence does erupt in the mess hall the administration will set an example by beating those involved as well as the punishment in the box.It doesn't stop the violence,but inmates will usually cause violence in other places because they know the consequences.Some just don't care though.
I once had a girlfriend tell me that it was impossible for me to be "normal" after being in prison for so long(this November will be 29 years).I'm 47 and have been here since I'm 18!I don't know(?) if I do know anything else and can you believe my most cherished desire is to walk the streets of Rocky Point to see how much has changed in 30 plus years(it will be atleast that long before I am released).Isn't that crazy & weird?I have nothing as far as thoughts beyond that because I really do not know if I realize what I'm being released to.I really have nothing and the closest people to me are in their 60s or older.
This prison sentence has truly ruined my life beyond the 30 plus years I will have served.I have a family,but I might as well not have one for I do not even know if they will even talk to me again.I don't want to use prison as an excuse,but they never seem to understand when I express myself or why I feel as I do.I'm not sure if I dom or will miss my family in life for I'm so use to being alone.
It is so easy for me to be without HOPE.How come it is so hard for people to understand if I tell them I wish I could go to sleep and never awaken?I believe it is because they have a life to live beyond a prison wall and could never understand what I live each and every day.There isn't much in here to look forward to.Getting a piece of mail or going to commissary is what I look forward to and there really isn't much else.People end their letters telling me to "keep the faith",but what is there to keep the faith in?
I've been to the parole board 7 times(every two years-2000,2002,2004,2006,2008,2010,&2012)and I'm not sure if I ever believed I'd make it.I don't know why this is for I served my punishment,learned my lesson,etc.,but I never did feel I'd make it.I don't know what to feel and often wonder if I will die in prison?At one time,it was the worst thought I could ever think,but I really don't know or believe I care when or where I die.I think it's because I have no one to live for.Living for myself isn't enough for if it comes down to just me I suppose I think what will make me happier and being dead isn't in prison.NO,I'm not suicidal as I write this letter for I'm just trying to show that HOPE is what keeps me going from day to day and it slowly slips from my heart.It is so easy to regain it with meeting someone which I use to do so easily,but now it's like I'm giving up on looking to do this anymore as well.I just wish it was easy and painless to die.I guess in order for you to understand prison(my environment)you must understand what it does to one's mind.I'm not sure if others feel as I do,but I'd think it's impossible for people not to feel as I do.
I'm not sure what title should be placed on our correspondence,but I value it as just that.A CORRESPONDENCE!I really do enjoy writing to you for it makes me think of things I may not have thought about before.It is a feeling of wealth to be able to have thoughts beyond these walls and writing you does just that.
Though we had an inground pool we still went tom the beach(Hallock Landing mainly)a lot.In the summer as a child(probably between the ages of 9-12)my sister would take Paul and I to the beach every day.We'd pack a lunch and go to spend the day at nthe beach.My sister(Cathy)watched us as kids.
I do understand that your letters will be less frequent then mine.It is "I" with all the idle time to do nothing except write so please don't believe I expected you to match my letters.
Monday thru Friday we get yard recreation approximately 3 hours each day.The prison is broken up into two sides-East & West(the East is the wilder side).It rotates daily where the East side will have their recreation from 2:30pm-5:30pm and the West side will have it from 6:30pm_9:30pm.On the weekends and holidays recreation is longer.It rotates as well where one side has it from 9am-2:30pm and than the other side goes out from 4pm-9:30pm.Some maximum security prisons have recreation 3 times a day-morning,afternoon,and night,but this one doesn't.Too much recreation usually means that prison has less programs for the population to attend.
I always liken prison to a school for I think it's the easiest way to form a picture in your head.Imagine a 35' concrete wall surrounding a school and the school is the prison.Just like a school having different classes,we have different programs.Right after breakfast you go to programs for 3 hours,after lunch it's 3 hours,and at night it's 3 hours.Usually inmates are required to take 2 programs,but if you work you only take 1 because it is 6 hours a day.They do have programs that are no show jobs.You get credit,but you're never called for the program.
There are some programs that are mandatory.If you have drugs involved in your case you must take a drug program,if you have a violent crime you take a violence program.You'd be foolish not to enroll in these programs for if you appear before the parole board without them,you're almost guaranteed to be denied parole.If you take a drug or violence program and you relapse while in prison(get caught using drugs or if you're involved in violence)you must take these programs all over again.It is no different if you take these programs in society.They work for some and not for others which is why prisons are full today.
I am sorry this is so sloppy,but as I write fast it gets sloppy.As much as I want to be interviewed don't think you have to go out of your way to do so.What I mean is that you don't have to make it for any specific time.When it happens,it happens.
I'll close for now and until the next time,take good care.
James
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