Dear Nelly,
I just received the letter you sent to Coxsackie and I truly thank you for the money order.You seem to know exactly when I am in need and it is very thoughtful and considerate of you.Let me comment on your photography,but first I congratulate you on the promotion which is more important than living in Rocky Point even though Rocky Point seems to hold ALL of my cherished memories.
In the 70s there was a popular T.V. show called the "ROCKFORD FILES".If you were in the U.S.A.then you'll remember that James Garner was the star?He also did a T.V. commercial for the Poloroid instant one step camera?That was my first brush with thinking I was a photographer!I was about 12 or 13 and I got the camera for Christmas.
My idea of the perfect photo (at that time) was the outhouse from the summer cottage across the street or me posing as a drunken homeless person.NO pictures were as good as yours and after a few rolls of film the novelty of me as a photographer wore off!As a child things don't really hold one's attention for very long.
I can't give an understandable reason.but I was fascinated by homeless people as a kid.Most of them were drunks.but I'd love to talk with them.There weren't many on Long Island,but when we went into the city my mom/dad would make sure to point them out to me.They did it in a jokingly manner,but their plights always tugged at my heart and I felt that I being a kid brought them memories of better days.I thought I'd share that with you,but the nomadic life without responsibilities was a great life.
Nelly,I understand about not being reimbursed for the documents and I NEVER expected to be paid for your interview or case study.My payment is my excitement in writing you and having you as a long distance friend.I don't see us sitting down for a cup of coffee,but I really do enjoy sharing with you memories that would otherwise stay on a dusty shelf in my head.They'd be meaningless any other time.
I love your pictures and I think I enjoy photography so much because a picture captures a moment in time that stays that way forever even as the people,places,and things change.Pictures liven up any room and your mind could think up so many different scenarios to go with the picture.These ones will be hung right over my bunk.As I try to sleep during a restless night I could imagine different scenarios with each picture.Sounds crazy,but it's the truth.
If I'm to believe that God lays a path/plan for all of us...My path is long and winding and I've met and seen so many as I travel to my destination(s).Some I pass and they don't even give me a moment's notice while others stop and congregate with me.We could be the exact opposites and each is interested in the other's story!I never believe my life/story was interesting enough fot most,but I am SO happy that at this point of my travels I have met you.I don't ever expect or want you to feel obligated in supplying me with happiness,but I've already stole 9 months worth that I'll always be able to look back upon as a worthwhile period during these travels.That is my payment for anything I supply you with and I hope my words supply you with something that may be thought of during what may be a boring moment at any given time in your life. It may seem so simple to most ,but writing my thoughts is something I truly enjoy.
Ok,I enclosed ALL the rules we could be written up for.The other half of the rule book are the same rules in Spanish.One rule one could never get dismissed or beat is "106.10".It is a rule on almost EVERY misbehavior report for we're in the control of the men/women in blue.
Of course my plight with starvation was for ONE main reason,but it's also one time in my life of imprisonment that I'm in full control of what I do.It is sad that something so dangerous an unhealthy could be considered CONTROL,but let me explain it further and what is so important to me.
They try to break you and discourage you from doing this by putting you in a room that is only 3 by 9 with only a steel bed to lay on.When you use the bathroom your output is logged and a C.O. sits in front of you 24/7 logging everything I do.I know the routine,directives,and protocol and I must establish the rewards as thoughts(pictures)in my head to achieve the discomforts of starving myself.During each stomach growl or pang I must silently repeat as a chant or mantra,"Good things await me in the near future".
One of these good things-rewards-blessings is something others take for granted each and every day!To get out of this prison and to be introduced with the female nurses in a hospital?NO,it isn't sexual at all!It is the kindness,consideration,and politeness of a woman saying,"Is there anything I can get you and if you need anything just press the button".It is SO good to feel someone express being nice to me even though I know it is short lived for my time in the hospital can't last forever,but those brief moments last a life time in my head.A C.O. once said to me,"You know the doctors/nurses that finish first in their class?Well the bottom half work in the prison system!"It is true for even though I understand their nastiness(working with conniving convicts all day who will lie/cheat to get a quick drug to get high)I hate being polite to a person who right away treats me with distain.It isn't like this in the outside hospitals and during the rough moments of starving myself,I cherish the moments I control knowing I'll go to an outside hospital to be met with T.L.C..That is only a small part of the reason(s),but if I keep those thoughts in my head it makes the difficulties of starvation seem easy and worthwhile.
NO,I don't expect anyone beyond this subculture to understand taking these drastic measures to achieve a goal for death may be met instead.While I'm not suicidal I'm not afraid of death and will except it in full for it may be better than my life now.It can't be any worse if I'm aware for I've lived in hell for close to 29 years now.It is HELL when each day you're met with lying,cheating,stealing,conniving savages who salivate over any sc rap they think they could sink their teeth into.
I use to dread believing or thinking of being buried in Potter's field (what the prison's grave yard is called).A little plot of land outside the prison walls only to be visited by the convict care-takers who dig the holes for another unknown inmate.
Prison has tore me up and spit me out!It has ruined the loving relationships I once had and it has made me a bitter man who hates those around me.I can't be the only convict with a heart,but I won't allow any other to show me that they have a heart for I become antisocial and silence myself to those amongst me.I don't want to go through the introduction stage of trying to find out who is worthy of conversation for 99.9% of the time it is a hustling/conniving piece of shit who is trying to get a free meal ticket from you.
I love reading Danielle Steele for she keeps the loving tug on my heart of human emotions.Have you ever read her books?
You're right about me calling,but if I was to it would be you paying for a collect call(not me).I just thought at dim moments that I just went through that it is easier to tell you why I'll be incommunicatable,but I usually don't share such with persons beyond these walls.I only tell you so you wouldn't visit during that time and traveling here only to be denied the visit because I'm in the hospital.I don't believe adding stress to another's life beyond my own.I never sought sympathy/pity for it does not help me one bit.It would only make me sad to know I caused another to worry,so that is the only reason I asked for your phone number.I only told David & Linda I was in the hospital for twisting my ankle.There is no need to tell them a truth that they will never understand for they can't be in my shoes.I see their lives as serene and full of harmony and I want it to stay that way.I don't want their friendship to be one where they must worry about me.I'm at a disadvantage already in winning over their friendship for I'm not one of this world's most worthy to befriend for I'm a convicted murderer.They gave me the chance to express myself which I'm forever grateful for and I'll NEVER look to add ugliness to their lives or anyone elses for that matter.
Yes,I'll be able to watch the NOVA episode if Clinton EVER mails me my T.V..Yes,I'm awaiting my T.V. to be mailed for I don't have $147.00 to buy another T.V..I should get it any day and I will watch that episode.I usually always watch NOVA anyway.
NO,we don't have access to computers!I could imagine the new crimes convicts would get to be able to exploit some young child on the computer.Because I told David & Linda about you,David sent me the article.Linda is blind and is an amazing woman.So self-independent and doesn't use a guide dog.I sent you their number and would really like you to meet them especially before you leave the Rocky Point area.David is a computer programmer who owns Axios products in Commack.He is also a Barbershop singer.Two remarkable people and I don't want to be selfish in keeping them to myself.Please give them a call to introduce yourself.They are now in their 60s and I think they are wonderful people.I'm blessed to have a handful of genuine beautiful people in my life.I told them all about you,but please don't worry them with my starvation plights.Only Mr.Thieben knows about that for I tell him everything.
Truly I thank you Nelly for the money order and your pictures which are priceless!If I see you next month that would be great,but if not,writing to you is a pleasure in itself and let's me escape my confines for brief periods of time.I do hope I'll still be able to write you once you leave your lab and the Rocky Point area or at least until you become bored with my gibberish(smile).
I don't want to say one picture is better than the other,but the one that draws my attention the most is the apartment building with the fire escapes.I just like that picture for some reason?
I'll close for now hoping this letter bfinds you and your family doing well.Please do call David and Lindas and introduce yourself.They're two professionals who are remarkable people.Until next time,take care.
James
P.S.-The August 30th issue of the Village Beacon Record had a good article about a free lance photographer called Jerry McGraph.
No comments:
Post a Comment