Dear Nelly,
Before I forget!!If you ever send more photographs,please put them in a manilla envelope for you do a disservice to them when you fold them.Atleast I think so(if it doesn't put you out of your way).
I'm reading the classic,"Pudd'nhead Wilson" by Mark Twain-have you ever read it?It takes place in the deep south of the Mississippi and deals with crime & slavery.It is a good book.
That wooden swing surrounded by all the greenery?Is that your yard?It seems to be such a peaceful area where you could sit in the heat of summer or just as the sun goes down.You could get lost in thought in the serenity of the greenery.
I know neither of those beachers are Broadway and I don't think either is Hallock Landing beach either for Hallock has a large rock out in the water,but it is to the left and about 3/4 of a mile out.Broadway has a large rock,but it isn't in any of the pictures.One of the beaches looks like Tides beach and I'm really not familiar with Friendship beach or the one straight down Rocky Point Landing Road.
Atleast 35-40 years ago my father's friend worked at that lab(doing what I don't know-he could have been the janitor for all I know).His name was Don Rassmusen(sp?)and he named his dog "Panama Red"(in the 70s panama red was the name of a potent marijuana).He had long hair and a beard(I remember he had a pretty wife as well,but I don't know what she saw in him ).They lived on Broadway and still might for all I know.
The leaves are beginning to turn color which would probably interest you,but I just can't wait for them to drop so I could see how far into the woods I could.This is the Finger lakes region if that tells you anything?It is about one and a half hours from Syracuse(I'm told).What direction?I don't know-wait-I'll ask the nurse who just came to my cell!He said he couldn't tell me in case I wanted to escape(I'm not kidding).
You're right,I'm so blessed that my acts from the last several months weren't documented in the form of misbehavior and hinder my future release.I do a lot of things on impulse and other times I must live for that particular moment for I must survive today before I get to tomorrow!It's
an ugly way to live.
You would think the Parole Board(the Commissioners)know this for they sit on a panel reviewing EVERY kind of inmate there is.I think they know,but must "cover their own ass".You don't have to be in prison to know this subculture is a "violent and ugly" place.
If prison food could ever be given such an adjective,it isn't too bad here!They season it much better then anywhere else I've been,but it may just be the novelty of the new prison.I notice the small differences!For instance,the other night the yard closed early because of lightning and when it stopped they ran yard again.In Clinton the C.O.s would not stop their card games to send us back to yard-NO WAY!!Here the Superintendent must tell them that they are here to work 8 hours(not to play cards).Plus,since it's a modern prison there are cameras throughout every nook and cranny.I have never been to the visiting room here so it will be new to the both of us.C.O.s do not like cameras or anything else that could record their behavior(s).
Speaking of seasoned food!?I really can't tell the difference anyway for I never ever put salt and/or pepper on my food.If it's already in the food it's there-I don't use it.My sister was known as the salt hoarder growing up!The salt shaker was always in front of her.I don't use hot sauce or any other condiment and I never had heartburn(no matter what I eat)and didn't know what it was until someone explained it to me.No matter how much cheese I eat I don't get constipated and if I eat 1000 prunes I don't occupy the toilet.Is this too much information?Well,when I was 18 I was 6'4" and 178 pounds and now at 6'9" I'm usually 225(I have to gain my weight back).I eat like a pig,but it never shows in my weight.We're also not supposed to feed the seagulls,but I do(they eat ANYTHING)!!The other day I threw them some instant mashed potatoes from my tray and they seemed to love them!
The money you send me is used for postage,but a majority of it is used for the commissary and the good food items.I just made 2 Ramen noodle soups(we c all them crackhead soups)but I drain the water and add octopus(it's .93 cents for a 4 ounce can)or Vienna sausages.Thats it!!It is delicious and no woman would ever have a problem pleasing me in the kitchen.
Which reminds me!I wasn't charged for it,but they forgot to give me my Jif peanut butter(it cost $2.39 for an 18 oz. plastic jar).I use to love when we were allowed to get it in a package for David & Linda use to send me 5-6 jars which is always good to have in your locker.It is always good to eat any time of the day.The only kind of food I don't eat,unless I'm in solitary confinement is collard greens.In solitary confinement you eat everything and still go to bed hungry.They don't encourage bad behavior so they treat you like sh*t there.
Commissary items are cheaper than in society for we don't pay taxes(only on tobacco products)but it is still good to get packages because commissary doesn't have every kind of food one likes.I usually get junk food packages for I don't cook big meals.We have hot-pots which guys break down to use the burner to fry things.Otherwise the pots don't boil,they only get to 160 degrees.My idea of cooking spaghetti is pouring the sauce right out of the can on the spaghetti and cutting up a half a stick of pepperoni and mixing it together.The best thing I cook(if it's called cooking)is hot dogs.Wow,you're really learning some useless information about me in this letter!!
I also love to do difficult 1000 piece jig saw puzzles Linda sends me or regular crosswords Mr.Thieben takes out of the N.Y.Times.The ones in Newsday are too easy'I like challenging things such as puzzles,but even though I'm a wiz in math(my best subject in school)I don't do sudukos(sp?0.I don't use a calculator for I could add,divide,subtract,and multiply in my head pretty easily.I may not be the neatest writer-I could be-but I spell very good.I did bad in school because I didn't apply myself and if I could live my life over?I'd be working in a hospital or a cancer ward for children.I don't know if I'd be a doctor or the janitor,but I'd like to turn their sadness into faces creased with smiles.When I watch the St.Jude 1/2 hour advertisements(Marlo Thomas-Phil Donohue's wife hosts them because her father founded St.Judes Children's hospitals)I shed tears of sadness and would volunteer to take any of their places.Yes,they're strangers to me,but it tears me up to see children who won't live to enjoy a childhood.I'd donate any body organRIGHT now if New York State prisons allowed it.They don't(I checked)unless it's an immediate family member and they must pay for it.I'd give up a kidney in a heart beat to enrich a stranger's life.I don't or would not want to be known for doing it,but it's just something I'd do.I think the world would be a better place if we all were positive to one another.
I despise people who ruin relationships via cheating.If you must cheat,get divorced!!If it is true love-you wouldn't have to go outside of that relationship and if you do,it should be an agreed upon open relationship.
Hey,I'm back in a comfort zone which means you'll be getting long letters that are sometimes interesting and some times useless information as a lot of this letter is.
I use to have a coffee habit(black and nothing else)of 25-30 cups a day.I'm a person that NEVER ever tasted coffee in society,but made it for my mother whenever she asked(she drank it black as well).I had such a coffee habit that when I didn't have it I'd get migraine headaches that would last 2-3 days.Otherwise I never get headaches.I still drink coffee,but I don't need it if I don't have it as I once dids.My ugliest and longest habit is biting my nails and smoki g.I just went 62 days without smoking,but as soon as I was able to,I smoked again!Yes,it was foolish to do so and I'd only be given excuses as to why I started again after 62 days of not doing it!!I won't lie to myself for I know it is ALL excuses as to why I go back to smoking for it doesn't help in any way-it doesn't relieve stress,calm me down or any of them other lame excuses.The crazy thing about biting my nails is that when I am in stressful situations(like when I starved myself)I won't bite them,but after I started eating again I went right back to biting my nails.I won't bite them if I'm meeting a woman for the first time on a visit.I'll stop 30 days before so my nails are nice,but since you are MRS.Alia-Klein my nails will be bitten whenever you do come up.I know I do it out of habit,but I don't believe it's a nervousness for as I said,during stressful times I won't do it.It doesn't make sense.
Did I leave anything out about myself?Um,I'm a clean person and while I don't believe I have an obsessive compulsive disorder,I like things to be neat.I don't like my cell to be in disarray.I can't wear socks or underwear for more than 24 hours and I wash them daily(I can't have dirty clothes in my cell).This is weird because even though I have my teeth they've always been discolored from tobacco and coffee.I once asked the prison dentist if he could pull them all and let me get false teeth.He said "he'd do no such thing for there is nothing wrong with my teeth for most people's teeth are discolored!"
I just got off the phone with Linda and told her I gave you her number.She said she'd definitely be interested in talking to you.
I suppose you didn't expect this letter of useless information?It's just things that come to mind about me that may not seem important,but I suppose I'm just an average man who has seen a lot of ugliness in life.Most wouldn't know it by looking at me and would probably only know I was in prison because of jailhouse tattoos,but with most people you don't know what pains they have/do suffer/ed in their lives.
I date my letters the day they will go out.For instance,it is Friday right now,but since I know this letter won't be mailed until Monday-I put Monday's date.It's Friday and I'm on page 13 of this letter,but it doesn't mean it will be a book by than for I don't know when I'll pick it up again.
I told Linda I wasn't sure if you'd call,but you might!I'd really like you to because I think you'd find one another interesting.I told you about Mr.Thieben's daughter and I'm not it would have worked out between us,but we did love one another.She wasn't a woman who bit her tongue and I knew it would be a challenge.She was also Bi-polar which wouldn't help,but…?
I'm a convicted murderer and no matter what my intent was on the evening of my crime-I took a life and have been in prison for 29 years on November 20,2012.I feel I must humanize myself when I write people for "convicted murderer" is an ugly picture.Lise knew about me via her father and while I know Mr.Thieben didn't expect us to fall in love,he wouldn't allow a negative picture to be painted of me if it wasn't true.
My own sister once told me she doesn't know how comfortable she would be for me to go to her house with her kids,etc. behind my crime.I believe I'm the ONLY one who knows that I didn't intend to kill anyone that night.I didn't expect any harm to come out of my crime.I was stupid for not equating death with a fire,but I thought smoke would wake people up and they'd get out of the house.I was angry and in anger I threw a lit match on bed linen that wouldn't go in my suitcase.As soon as I learned that someone died,I turned myself in.
For my own sister to think that?I'm not even sure I wanted to be told that.It might had been better not to know.It doesn't make much of a difference now,but when you must humanize yourself to your own family-that is beyond hurt-I don't know what emotion(s) to put on it?
I remember when Dan Quayle use to express the importance of family,but I didn't believe it.
I often wonder what I would have/had become if I wasn't arrested?If I stayed on the path I would have been an alcoholic,but who knows if something/someone would have changed my life/behaviors?I like to think I would have been successful,but who doesn't.Only an idiot would want to think to be unsuccessful.I don't blame where I'm at on my stepfather,but he indirectly decided my fate and behaviors in life.I always think I'll fit the whole word in and when I can't I try to cross it out because I can't.
My wonder is-if I knew I would be punished for failing classes and beat for getting into troble,I wonder why I still did it.NO,I don't believe in that theory that it was my way to rebel against my stepfather.Sometimes I didn't believe I'd be caught as a criminal wouldn't,but some things were obvious like knowing I had to show my report cards & progress reports.Do you know my father use to send me to school with a notebook for each teacher to sigh after that day's class?I'd have to show it to my father each night after school,if there was anything negative in there I'd be beatened and punished.
I'd never inherit this behavior if I ever had children.Truly,I couldn't ever imagine that.
Have you ever heard of the musician Bob Seager?He has a song called "BEAUTIFUL LOSER" which I believe I equate my life to.It is such a nice song and if you ever could?Listen to it.It's a lot more meaningful then the words to that alternative rock song,"LOSER" by Beck.
Mount Sinai School of Medicine in Manhattan?Are you a medical doctor?What exactly do you do at a school of medicine?Is it running tests on subjects with different medications?What will you be doing if you don't mind me asking?This doesn't pose a problem with your husband and his employment?He will commute or just leave his job or is it none of my business?You could tell me that,I won't be offended.I know now-a-days some women are the bread winners in/of the household.I was brought up in a household where the man was the chief money earner even though my mother retired from Mather Hospital in Port Jefferson.My father made far more money than my mother.
There is a possibility that my mother could die and I wouldn't find out until I was in society and that is only if I go visit my siblings.When my mother married my stepfather her own father stopped talking to her because he thought she should be home with her dying mother.One of her sisters stopped talking to her as well and they NEVER reached out to one another.She does have a brother & sister she talks to,but my mother is repeating the same behavior with me.Her father was a writer for the DAILY NEWS,but I suppose he is long dead for he seemed to be in his 60s when I was real young and my mother is 72(she was 43 when I was arrested).When I look at the years I served in that way it's when I really realize the length of time I've done.My brother Paul was 13 and is now 42.A life time I lost even if I was still communicating with them.My mom would only talk about things on the surface for she would never tell me anything that would bring sorrow to me.That is how she was.I hurt that I ruined my relationship with her and believe it is cemented further now that my stepfather is dead.I think she'd feel as if she was betraying him if she talked to me.I wasn't even mentioned as being a part of the family in his obituary that my mother penned.I just don't know how a parent could go on like that with their own child?I try to make amends with people who aren't even my family.It is baffling to me just as a lot of other things are.
I was real close to everyone(except my stepfather)until I wrote that letter in July of 2003!My mother and I had a close relationship and now it is over?The crazy thing is that I could die and NO one would know for my emergency contact is my mother and the address and phone number listed as the contact is where she lived over 20 years ago.I never updated it and until this day when my correction counselor asks me if there is any change to my emergency contact I tell him no.Sure,the prison would go through the documents and contact other people from my phone list,but if they changed their numbers I don't know.The only way Mr.Thieben or anyone else would know is when the mail was returned to them with,"INMATE DECEASED" on the letter.
I care and I don't care!Who cares where I'm buried once I no longer exist?I really don't,but then again you want someone to care about you,otherwise it is a lonely existence.
I guess I found something to do until I get my T.V.!Come on,I wrote you 20 pages before-even when I had my T.V..
I wouldn't have let so much time elapse before I thanked you for the money order,but for some reason it took a while for me to get your letter.I got it which is good and truly I'm thankful for what you do with the money orders,pictures,and the words you voice through the typewriter.
I think I'll end this letter now!I feel like Forest Gump when he was on the bench at the bus stop telling his story,it never ended.Mine doesn't end either,I just put the pen down for a while for you to catch your breath.I am just glad that things arev back to normalcy and I can express myself once again.Thank you.
James
No comments:
Post a Comment