Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
After the interview you may miss these long letters and I suppose I should be grateful for the catharsis.I'm not sure I'm renewing anything for sitting in a 9'x6' space for so many years tends to have one reliving their life over and over.In other words,it could be the most minute memory---if it is somewhere in my brain it will be found and relived,rethought as i wonder if I could had done it differently.A memory from 10 years ago may be found again and I don't have to ask why this particular one is so important for I tend to believe as long as I could think?Everything is of importance.
My fears in life have always been an empty soul without HOPE and being alone.It seems as I go on in life I have lost so many and it's guaranteed to bring more loss.
I have known Mr.Thieben for over 30 years,but can't bring myself to call him anything other than Mr.Thieben or Mr.T.!I believe it is the high esteem I hold for him and how much I admire him.Calling him Bill just seems as if he is an average man and I feel I must view him as so much more.It has to do with what it is to one in prison and the value of a friend.
Some live an entire life without a TRUE friend.Until I began writing Mr.Thieben I'm not sure I had a friend.I know I could talk to him about anything,but not something as simple as if you know LIES are a part of my documents,why wouldn't you help me?He knows so many people,but I think this?
He believes that all good surfaces in life.In other words,he believes at every parole hearing I'll be released.It truly scares me because I'm afraid to lose him(he isn't young)and wiyhout him I am basically alone.When I try to point this out he usually will have none of it thinking he'll be around forever.
I'm an opportunist!!Yes,I will pick up any newspaper and before I reach the end I will find someone to write.One never knows what will come from my letter to them.Sometimes there won't be a response and sometimes there is.
Look at my writing to you?It so happens that violence has been a large and ugly part of my life.I didn't know if you'd respond to my letter,but I wrote for I didn't know what may come from it.
I once asked Mr.T.,why would women want to write a man in prison?I know we're not ALL evil and many won't remain in that rut of criminal activity,but there are so many men in society for women to communicate with.I'd think that's a no brainer and he spoke about the genuine persons in this world,people that care,nonjudgmental,etc..There is also a sad side for women with low self-esteem,lacking confidence,etc. will write as well.
I guess you could say that I prey upon these opportunities and I'll reveal my ugliest side or personalities just so I don't have to be alone.Sure,I want to help with your research even if I'm just exhibit "Y" to get to the root of violence,but I dream much bigger.What if I am on an episode of NOVA and someone who is watching writes to me behind it?I didn't know anything about NOVA,but I am led to dream these dreams for I must find HOPE to grasp on to in order for me to meet tomorrow.Each night that I lay my head on my pillow I wish for a few things.
Wouldn't it be great when I fall asleep if I could stay asleep and not awaken because I have no one or nothing to awaken to?Wouldn't it be great if I met someone in life that is the flip-side of that?Someone worth wanting to wake up for like Lise?No,it doesn't have to be a woman for a friend could be any sex,but I want someone of substance.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me for there are others who do have it worse then I.I just look for that person where learning could be met on both sides.It seems so simple,but in my position there are so many obstacles & hurdles that must be met before I reach the subject of my desire.
I believe I'm a carer as well for I'd attract to a lone blossom on a sandy tract before I do to a garden of roses.I guess it's because I'd have that challenge of nurturing that lone blossom that everyone else just passes by.
I suppose a lot of what I write to you doesn't make a bit of sense,but I speak(write) when the mood strikes and that slate of thoughts is written.Did I already once tell you that there is nothing greater than a passage of time to one that is serving it?Writing 6,7, or 8 pages to you allows me to slip naway from concentrating on prison and into what I write.When I expressed that lone blossom I saw it there in the sand and almost felt bthe sand between my toes.It is priceless for me to slip away and via writing and sleep I could do this.
You asked in a previous letter if I read?At one time I use to read 4-5 novels a week.One author that really touches the reader emotionally is Danielle Steele!It seems like everyone of her books is a tear jerker,but I've been known to get choked up over the St.Judes Children's Hospital advertisements.It is som sad to see children with cancer not having that fair shake in life.If I did not have a felony as I do,I'd volunteer to visit these kids for smiles go such a long way with them.In any event,I like to read books that could be REAL.I use to write short stories and just send them to people I write.I believe they were good,but I'm not sure I could had been the next bestselling author.
What drew you 7 your family to Rocky Point?For my family,my stepfather moved us out of Central Islip when the first black family moved into the neighborhood.I suppose that makes him racist,but that is why we moved to Rocky Point.I know up until my arrest in 1983,it was still a nice area where ugliness didn't rear it's head.It did not seem like the big time crimes happened there.Parents needn't worry when children went out to play,walking to the bus stop,etc..I know the schools were nice.For some reason,my best subject was math.
I'm not sure if I expressed it enough,but I believe violence in society compared to violence in prison is much different.You're studied in this subculture by so many and you're expected to respond in a violent manner when a confrontation is met.It is the nature of this beast for the weak are subjected to other's abuses.So,is it really the same for I believe violence in here is warranted.Sure,I do go overboard at times when I don't have to and I go to the extreme,but this whole subculture is extreme.No man will ever fuck me in my ass!!
Maybe I'm justifying or attempting to justify,but it never worked with the parole board.I can't explain the inmates who NEVER committed an act of violence in here.It baffles me.
New York State seems to have the motto,"HURRY UP & WAIT" when it comes to requesting documents.I am still waiting for replies from the nurse administrator and the unit chief in mental health.I do feel these records will give you a much better understanding of all that I write to you and it will support all that I say.I think the mental health records will help you even more for you'll probably understand "THEIR" language far better than I.Once they do respond,I'll certainly let you know.
I just NOW received a copy response from medical and here is your answer.If you note,I said it's "for my doctor" because you're a doctor even if-well,I don't know--if you write them with the stationery you've written me on(it says medical department)they may just send you the records.Otherwise,I have to request them within the next 60 days(from 3-13-12).
The price went down to .25 per page(it use to be $0.50).I find it ironic that a doctor doesn't have to pay,but an inmate who makes and gets measly earnings must pay!I'll talk to the others if they are seeking a reason for their next RIOT!I'llm put the smily face so you do know I'm kidding.
I will write mental health again tonight for they haven't responded yet.I think you could get them both at no charge.If not,I know I've been to mental health far more times then medical.You let me know if and how you want to do it.Until next time,take good care.
James
Thursday, November 29, 2018
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
March 20,2012
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
Some of these questions had worried me when I answered for so much depends on the situation!If you were to ask someone if they generally trust others it would be a far different answer to me then a person who isn't in this subculture.I also don't want it to be believed that I "fly off the handle"with the slightest irritation for correction officers get me angry a lot,but I sit & accept it because I KNOW those consequences bring horrible results.My anger amongst peers is far more likely then with someone like Mr.Thieben.He's gotten me angry before and I just swallowed that anger for I'm not so out of control that I don't know what I'm doing.I just feel that some of these questions would paint me as some out of control individual who should be "institutionalized" for the duration when my number one priority is my freedom.
You see,your interests in me are in one area ONLY which is the reason we correspond as we do.That is just the way it is,but there is much more to me then being violent when anger arises.Please,do not believe I'm pointing a finger at you for making me feel this or that for you're not making me feel anything.I just do not want to be seen by others(as well as by you) as JUST a violent man.I can and have loved women & children who has never seen my violence.
My stepfather would strike me if I touched the walls with dirty hands,but I do not believe in striking a child.I would never strike a woman either and though I did write you to help you with research,I am human and I hurt like others.It would hurt me to be dehumanized and only seen as a ticking time bomb.Some of those questions just don't seem to have a right answer and they make me feel unsettled.Not for you to worry,I just want you to understand.It isn't you,It's wondering if there just isn't any right answer there at all.Okay let me answer your letter and what you wrote.
My psychiatric hospitalizations and what prompted them?I believe there were a lot of factors that could be blamed for I think at some points I was homeless so I don't know if this triggered some behaviors that wouldn't had been caused otherwise.The one instance I speak about is when I was admitted to Sagamore Children's Center when I was 17.I don't remember it being for a violent episode,I think that was more of a depression due to homelessness,sadness,sorrow,etc. when I was in a bar fight and returned with a pellet gun?
The police officers who responded knew my stepfather and in turn knew me.They knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind waving a gun in a bar and they charged me with Criminal Mischief,but I don't remember EXACTLY what happened as for who took me to the hospital.You see,a week later I got into a fight with my brother in a bar and I left the bar alone.On the way home I sliced my wrist with a beer bottle!I sliced my wrist and was taken to the hospital by ambulance,but for some reason a week later I was still out to do that in the bar with the gun.I don't know why I wasn't admitted to the hospital for slicing my wrist?
I wasn't arrested because of the reasons above.It wasn't just that the cops knew my father.My actions weren't that of a person thinking logically and who knows what I said exactly.I know I threatened to shoot everyone in the bar and I was surrounded by cops with drawn guns.I believe I flipped the pool table over and broke a light as well.I think the officers thought psychiatric care was the best in this situation.
I don't know what diagnosis the hospital(Kings Park)had for me,but while there they prescribed thorazine.Heres what occurred,because I WAS charged with that incident with the gun,my probation officer came to the hospital and had me discharged to him and he violated me because I did not report.I couldn't report because I was in the hospital.I don't know why I was released,I wasn't there longer than 8 or 9 days,my mother wrote that letter I told you about and while in the hospital I locked someone in one of the abandon buildings and only told staff because I had second thoughts about it and I was drunk at the time.I truly believe they released me to wash their hands of me.Is that possible?I'm going to call you Nelly this one time for I want you to really understand me.
Nelly,I do believe I was manipulative at times,but in this instance and leading up to my stay at Kings Park there were many incidents:I required stitches,went into a bar with a gun(all in a few days time)and my mother wrote that letter asking the hospital not to release me.I do think I belonged there that time for I wasn't homeless then.I was out of control with my behavior,I was released for not appearing before my probation officer.I then tried to get readmitted to the hospital,but I wasn't and 11 days later I was arrested for this crime.
They did release me with a prescription for thorazine,but I never went to get it.I took Paxil and other medications I'm not sure of the name.In 2009,when Lise died was when I was diagnosed as Borderline Personality and I was given two different medications.I don't know what they were.
I never felt comfortable with taking meds for(especially in prison)I don't want to be sluggish.Yes,I do agree that some do need these medications for I see it every day with persons who are off the handle if they don't take it,but I don't feel my actions call for it.I also believe people who take medications are penalized by the Parole commissioners.If they feel I need meds to control my behaviors will they feel comfortable in releasing me?I don't know ,but I don't want to experiment on trying it.
What is the right way to address confrontations in prison?I want you to imagine this--What if you knew you were going to get into a fight,but you didn't know what your opponent was bringing to defend himself?You best bring something to defend yourself for prison is known for violence,people gain respect via violence.It is a violent world and strength?respect is given by being strong.A lot of times,I react to confrontations in the most violent way because I don't want to be caught with my hands holding nothing,but air.
Once you get the copies of my mental health records(I'm still waiting for an answer)you'll know my diagnosis and what medications I was prescribed.I do not know(off hand)exactly what they were.
Mr.Thieben should had given you all the stuff I wrote him.A lot of times he'll hold back if he thinks something something will incrimidate me.He won't say this,but I believe it to be.He is a great man who said you are a BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN,but everyone is young to him just as everyone is short to me.Don't take that in a disrespectful way,but at 47,young to me is someone in their 20s and unless you're like Condoleeza Rice(she had 2-3 PHDs by the age of 20 something)?I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth,but it's just that each time I asked what you asked him?He wasn't forthcoming and would only say,"Jim,she is a very bright young lady.I was impressed."
Do I get overwhelmed by my own anger?What can twist my own reality?I'm not sure,but I do believe I learned how to deal with certain dilemmas via how my stepfather treated me.I hate to say this because I don't want to be associated with him in anyway.
If I don't answer your questions in depth as you seek,please let me know and I will do so.On some of the Questionnaires there were sections crossed out which I assume by you?
I'll get this in the mail to you and I hope all is well with you.
Sincerely,
James
Some of these questions had worried me when I answered for so much depends on the situation!If you were to ask someone if they generally trust others it would be a far different answer to me then a person who isn't in this subculture.I also don't want it to be believed that I "fly off the handle"with the slightest irritation for correction officers get me angry a lot,but I sit & accept it because I KNOW those consequences bring horrible results.My anger amongst peers is far more likely then with someone like Mr.Thieben.He's gotten me angry before and I just swallowed that anger for I'm not so out of control that I don't know what I'm doing.I just feel that some of these questions would paint me as some out of control individual who should be "institutionalized" for the duration when my number one priority is my freedom.
You see,your interests in me are in one area ONLY which is the reason we correspond as we do.That is just the way it is,but there is much more to me then being violent when anger arises.Please,do not believe I'm pointing a finger at you for making me feel this or that for you're not making me feel anything.I just do not want to be seen by others(as well as by you) as JUST a violent man.I can and have loved women & children who has never seen my violence.
My stepfather would strike me if I touched the walls with dirty hands,but I do not believe in striking a child.I would never strike a woman either and though I did write you to help you with research,I am human and I hurt like others.It would hurt me to be dehumanized and only seen as a ticking time bomb.Some of those questions just don't seem to have a right answer and they make me feel unsettled.Not for you to worry,I just want you to understand.It isn't you,It's wondering if there just isn't any right answer there at all.Okay let me answer your letter and what you wrote.
My psychiatric hospitalizations and what prompted them?I believe there were a lot of factors that could be blamed for I think at some points I was homeless so I don't know if this triggered some behaviors that wouldn't had been caused otherwise.The one instance I speak about is when I was admitted to Sagamore Children's Center when I was 17.I don't remember it being for a violent episode,I think that was more of a depression due to homelessness,sadness,sorrow,etc. when I was in a bar fight and returned with a pellet gun?
The police officers who responded knew my stepfather and in turn knew me.They knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind waving a gun in a bar and they charged me with Criminal Mischief,but I don't remember EXACTLY what happened as for who took me to the hospital.You see,a week later I got into a fight with my brother in a bar and I left the bar alone.On the way home I sliced my wrist with a beer bottle!I sliced my wrist and was taken to the hospital by ambulance,but for some reason a week later I was still out to do that in the bar with the gun.I don't know why I wasn't admitted to the hospital for slicing my wrist?
I wasn't arrested because of the reasons above.It wasn't just that the cops knew my father.My actions weren't that of a person thinking logically and who knows what I said exactly.I know I threatened to shoot everyone in the bar and I was surrounded by cops with drawn guns.I believe I flipped the pool table over and broke a light as well.I think the officers thought psychiatric care was the best in this situation.
I don't know what diagnosis the hospital(Kings Park)had for me,but while there they prescribed thorazine.Heres what occurred,because I WAS charged with that incident with the gun,my probation officer came to the hospital and had me discharged to him and he violated me because I did not report.I couldn't report because I was in the hospital.I don't know why I was released,I wasn't there longer than 8 or 9 days,my mother wrote that letter I told you about and while in the hospital I locked someone in one of the abandon buildings and only told staff because I had second thoughts about it and I was drunk at the time.I truly believe they released me to wash their hands of me.Is that possible?I'm going to call you Nelly this one time for I want you to really understand me.
Nelly,I do believe I was manipulative at times,but in this instance and leading up to my stay at Kings Park there were many incidents:I required stitches,went into a bar with a gun(all in a few days time)and my mother wrote that letter asking the hospital not to release me.I do think I belonged there that time for I wasn't homeless then.I was out of control with my behavior,I was released for not appearing before my probation officer.I then tried to get readmitted to the hospital,but I wasn't and 11 days later I was arrested for this crime.
They did release me with a prescription for thorazine,but I never went to get it.I took Paxil and other medications I'm not sure of the name.In 2009,when Lise died was when I was diagnosed as Borderline Personality and I was given two different medications.I don't know what they were.
I never felt comfortable with taking meds for(especially in prison)I don't want to be sluggish.Yes,I do agree that some do need these medications for I see it every day with persons who are off the handle if they don't take it,but I don't feel my actions call for it.I also believe people who take medications are penalized by the Parole commissioners.If they feel I need meds to control my behaviors will they feel comfortable in releasing me?I don't know ,but I don't want to experiment on trying it.
What is the right way to address confrontations in prison?I want you to imagine this--What if you knew you were going to get into a fight,but you didn't know what your opponent was bringing to defend himself?You best bring something to defend yourself for prison is known for violence,people gain respect via violence.It is a violent world and strength?respect is given by being strong.A lot of times,I react to confrontations in the most violent way because I don't want to be caught with my hands holding nothing,but air.
Once you get the copies of my mental health records(I'm still waiting for an answer)you'll know my diagnosis and what medications I was prescribed.I do not know(off hand)exactly what they were.
Mr.Thieben should had given you all the stuff I wrote him.A lot of times he'll hold back if he thinks something something will incrimidate me.He won't say this,but I believe it to be.He is a great man who said you are a BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN,but everyone is young to him just as everyone is short to me.Don't take that in a disrespectful way,but at 47,young to me is someone in their 20s and unless you're like Condoleeza Rice(she had 2-3 PHDs by the age of 20 something)?I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth,but it's just that each time I asked what you asked him?He wasn't forthcoming and would only say,"Jim,she is a very bright young lady.I was impressed."
Do I get overwhelmed by my own anger?What can twist my own reality?I'm not sure,but I do believe I learned how to deal with certain dilemmas via how my stepfather treated me.I hate to say this because I don't want to be associated with him in anyway.
If I don't answer your questions in depth as you seek,please let me know and I will do so.On some of the Questionnaires there were sections crossed out which I assume by you?
I'll get this in the mail to you and I hope all is well with you.
Sincerely,
James
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
March 16,2012
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
Believe me,if I had an idea on how to put it together I'd write a book,but this amount of writing isn't unusual for me.
In your first letter you had said,"You'd do all you can to help me,but you can't promise anything."Maybe they were not your exact words,but the last three are.I declined,but I am curious to know what type of help did you mean?I think it's obvious that one of my defaults is my history of violence,but I wouldn't want to seem as a fool as well if I wasn't to ask.
I also wanted to mention one other thing about the altercation from last month?That is something I could had easily been taken to solitary confinement for without any doubt.I tell that officer whenever I see him that I truly appreciate the way he handled it.If you think about it,if his actions were known he could be disciplined and if you do ask about this I wouldn't want it to be in a way that one could easily put it together.This isn't necessarily to protect the officer for it's too late for them to discipline me for that,but people are set-up in here every day and it's a convict's word against an officers(you know who'd win that most of the time).
I do some of my best thinking late into the night when my head is on the pillow and that's what I was thinking.
When I was 16 and upon that path of destruction I tried to enlist in the Army.I took the test at the recruiting office in Riverhead and missed by 1 point.I had to get a certain score because I didn't have a high school diploma.Then when I went to live with my mother's sister in West Virginia,I couldn't enlist because I didn't yet have a social security number.That is how close I was to possibly having a different life.
I'll tell you as I've told anyone that has gotten to know me!On November 20,1983,there was no intentions in my heart to harm anyone.When I lit that fire the thought within my head was,"okay,you damaged my door,I'll show you how much damage I could do!"With the erroneous information in that report,it's difficult for me to get the parole commissioners to agree with me when they have that report.When I bring my documents from the proceedings they tell me this isn't the place to try my case.This last parole hearing the commissioner may have made a mistake on his part stating,"we realize there are discrepancies in the record."Well,if that's the case a parole decision shouldn't be rendered upon false information.It seems simple,but it never is within the courts
At times I do become bitter and angry,but then I think of those who have it tougher then me in life in general.It does not always make it easier at that particular time,but I must hold on to something.
I think as I grow older it will be more difficult to achieve happiness and success.Just as a woman has a biological clock to bear children,I think there is some type of clock for an ex-con to achieve things in life.Besides being an ex-con,explainging the change there comes an age where you won't do anything,but rent,have no children and being "SIMPLE" is good-except being old and simple?Well,again,that is where I find the HOPE in the depth of my heart.
I said it many times and I'll say it now,at 18 if I knew I'd still be here today?I wouldn't have come this far.It is a shame when you live for 47 years and you have nothing to show for it.
Everyone views their place in life differently.Some have a house,a husband/wife,children,a great job,but they're not happy.I don't care about wealth because that doesn't make you happy.Are you happy?I mean truly happy?If you could change something in your life,what would it be?
I know you're the one who is suppose to ask the questions,but I do not know whats expected of me beyond answering your questions in regards to your research.
One time when I was in the 8th or 9th grade I was feeling alittle sluggish at the bus stop and I turned around and went home.My parents had already left for work and only my little brother was still home waiting for his time to leave for school.
When the phone rang I don't know why I was so stupid to answer it and when my father(on the other end)said,"Paul?"I said "No this is James."He asked why I was home and I told him that while stamding at the bus stop a plow came by and hit me with sand that was being put on the snowy roads.
My father called the town and they assured him that they had no plows in that area.My father rushed home,told me to get my shit and he took me to the high school.Before I got out he backhanded me in the face and blood started flowing from my nose.He didn't miss a beat,he escorted me to the office and told the secretaries,"He is now in school!"I stood there with my nose bleeding,my shirt all bloodied,and the other students walking in & out.
Today he'd probably be arrested for abuse,but then it was a crushing embarrassment to me.I feared my stepfather with any approach whether it was coming to the supper table to passing by him in a room.I hated when he was home and always felt an uneasy feeling.
It was a different era,but even today some women are so submissive to their husbands that they will choose their husbands over their own children.I brought this to my mother's attention and I told her how weak she was.I told her she chose a man over her own child because he was the one who provided her with security.I told her that if vI knew I'd get away with it I'd kill him.I wanted her to know what I really felt and though this NEVER happened,I told her if she even thought of showing the letter to the Division of Parole I'd all of a sudden remember that he molested me.I told her it probably wouldn't go far,but he'd have to answer to it and I'd be sure to send a letter to everyone of their neighbors!
Do you know how you're able to tell when someone has a false smile on their face?My mother always had this vwhen she'd visit as she told me I left you monet & a package-daddy gave me the money for it.
I've never been a parent Dr.Alia-Klein,but I know my stepfather was not a good parent!I think my mother knew as well,but her security was important to her as well so she'd paint a pretty picture hoping I was buying into it.My mother was a caring & loving woman to us kids.I always ran and jumped into her arms when she came home from work feeling the comfort as she pulled me close.
I had a feeling our relationship would be ruined by that letter I wrote her in July/2003,but I felt it was more important for me to let her know what I thought of her husband.That is what I allow anger to do to me!That is exactly it.At times I know the consequences will be ugly,but I go ahead and continue just to make a point.
I didn't choose security and I knew I'd be losing 98% of my support.Yes,I went to commissary every 2 weeks with an average of $50.00 and received a 35 pound food package every month.I now go to commissary with $4.50 every 2 weeks,but I knew this would happen.
I haven't spoken to my mother in close to 9 years and every bit of time that passes love diminishes.When I think of the comfort of being held in her arms,anger rises because she sided with a man who beat me,punished me,and ruined my life.My father didn't murder my victim,but I wouldn't be where I am today if he had been a loving father.
My father ruined every relationship I had with my siblings because I could not sit and listen to them speak about him for I needed to voice my thoughts.My brother Kenny chose to live with our real father when he was 9 or 10.My mother gave him and my other older brother that choice and he was the only one who chose our real father.With Kenny's decision he became estranged to us because my stepfather treated him as an enemy to the family.I was never close to him because I didn't know him.
I do not believe a parent should ever be accepted by a child if they try to enter their life after 40 plus years.My sister welcomed our real father with open arms and she is now daddy's little girl.I can't forget the 40 plus years that he never tried to see me and it isn't all right for him to now try.
Is it proper for me to call you Dr.Klein or must I put Alia-Klein.Is Alia Latin or Middle Eastern?I'd say Italian,but I believe that is Latin.I feel as if your letters are a catharsis,but nothing I write is anything new.I haven't done so in a while,but when I put personal ads in the papers I'd always end up writing as I do now just so people truly know me.
Do you know what I fear?I have voiced as much to them as well,but I'm afraid to be alone in here and I know the four people I write are between the ages of 60-80.I recently asked Mr.Thieben to place a personal ad for me on the computer so I'll see what happens.I'd rather write someone locally in the area I grew up,but they don't have avenues for me to meet people down there.Down?I am way the fuck up North.
Did Mr.Thieben give you anything that I've written him throughout the years?If you think I write you a lot,imagine all that I've written him in close to 29 years.He told me he has files full in his office and I know his daughter(Lise)read a lot of them.
Okay,I will close and until the next time,take very good care ofb yourself.
Sincerely,
James
Believe me,if I had an idea on how to put it together I'd write a book,but this amount of writing isn't unusual for me.
In your first letter you had said,"You'd do all you can to help me,but you can't promise anything."Maybe they were not your exact words,but the last three are.I declined,but I am curious to know what type of help did you mean?I think it's obvious that one of my defaults is my history of violence,but I wouldn't want to seem as a fool as well if I wasn't to ask.
I also wanted to mention one other thing about the altercation from last month?That is something I could had easily been taken to solitary confinement for without any doubt.I tell that officer whenever I see him that I truly appreciate the way he handled it.If you think about it,if his actions were known he could be disciplined and if you do ask about this I wouldn't want it to be in a way that one could easily put it together.This isn't necessarily to protect the officer for it's too late for them to discipline me for that,but people are set-up in here every day and it's a convict's word against an officers(you know who'd win that most of the time).
I do some of my best thinking late into the night when my head is on the pillow and that's what I was thinking.
When I was 16 and upon that path of destruction I tried to enlist in the Army.I took the test at the recruiting office in Riverhead and missed by 1 point.I had to get a certain score because I didn't have a high school diploma.Then when I went to live with my mother's sister in West Virginia,I couldn't enlist because I didn't yet have a social security number.That is how close I was to possibly having a different life.
I'll tell you as I've told anyone that has gotten to know me!On November 20,1983,there was no intentions in my heart to harm anyone.When I lit that fire the thought within my head was,"okay,you damaged my door,I'll show you how much damage I could do!"With the erroneous information in that report,it's difficult for me to get the parole commissioners to agree with me when they have that report.When I bring my documents from the proceedings they tell me this isn't the place to try my case.This last parole hearing the commissioner may have made a mistake on his part stating,"we realize there are discrepancies in the record."Well,if that's the case a parole decision shouldn't be rendered upon false information.It seems simple,but it never is within the courts
At times I do become bitter and angry,but then I think of those who have it tougher then me in life in general.It does not always make it easier at that particular time,but I must hold on to something.
I think as I grow older it will be more difficult to achieve happiness and success.Just as a woman has a biological clock to bear children,I think there is some type of clock for an ex-con to achieve things in life.Besides being an ex-con,explainging the change there comes an age where you won't do anything,but rent,have no children and being "SIMPLE" is good-except being old and simple?Well,again,that is where I find the HOPE in the depth of my heart.
I said it many times and I'll say it now,at 18 if I knew I'd still be here today?I wouldn't have come this far.It is a shame when you live for 47 years and you have nothing to show for it.
Everyone views their place in life differently.Some have a house,a husband/wife,children,a great job,but they're not happy.I don't care about wealth because that doesn't make you happy.Are you happy?I mean truly happy?If you could change something in your life,what would it be?
I know you're the one who is suppose to ask the questions,but I do not know whats expected of me beyond answering your questions in regards to your research.
One time when I was in the 8th or 9th grade I was feeling alittle sluggish at the bus stop and I turned around and went home.My parents had already left for work and only my little brother was still home waiting for his time to leave for school.
When the phone rang I don't know why I was so stupid to answer it and when my father(on the other end)said,"Paul?"I said "No this is James."He asked why I was home and I told him that while stamding at the bus stop a plow came by and hit me with sand that was being put on the snowy roads.
My father called the town and they assured him that they had no plows in that area.My father rushed home,told me to get my shit and he took me to the high school.Before I got out he backhanded me in the face and blood started flowing from my nose.He didn't miss a beat,he escorted me to the office and told the secretaries,"He is now in school!"I stood there with my nose bleeding,my shirt all bloodied,and the other students walking in & out.
Today he'd probably be arrested for abuse,but then it was a crushing embarrassment to me.I feared my stepfather with any approach whether it was coming to the supper table to passing by him in a room.I hated when he was home and always felt an uneasy feeling.
It was a different era,but even today some women are so submissive to their husbands that they will choose their husbands over their own children.I brought this to my mother's attention and I told her how weak she was.I told her she chose a man over her own child because he was the one who provided her with security.I told her that if vI knew I'd get away with it I'd kill him.I wanted her to know what I really felt and though this NEVER happened,I told her if she even thought of showing the letter to the Division of Parole I'd all of a sudden remember that he molested me.I told her it probably wouldn't go far,but he'd have to answer to it and I'd be sure to send a letter to everyone of their neighbors!
Do you know how you're able to tell when someone has a false smile on their face?My mother always had this vwhen she'd visit as she told me I left you monet & a package-daddy gave me the money for it.
I've never been a parent Dr.Alia-Klein,but I know my stepfather was not a good parent!I think my mother knew as well,but her security was important to her as well so she'd paint a pretty picture hoping I was buying into it.My mother was a caring & loving woman to us kids.I always ran and jumped into her arms when she came home from work feeling the comfort as she pulled me close.
I had a feeling our relationship would be ruined by that letter I wrote her in July/2003,but I felt it was more important for me to let her know what I thought of her husband.That is what I allow anger to do to me!That is exactly it.At times I know the consequences will be ugly,but I go ahead and continue just to make a point.
I didn't choose security and I knew I'd be losing 98% of my support.Yes,I went to commissary every 2 weeks with an average of $50.00 and received a 35 pound food package every month.I now go to commissary with $4.50 every 2 weeks,but I knew this would happen.
I haven't spoken to my mother in close to 9 years and every bit of time that passes love diminishes.When I think of the comfort of being held in her arms,anger rises because she sided with a man who beat me,punished me,and ruined my life.My father didn't murder my victim,but I wouldn't be where I am today if he had been a loving father.
My father ruined every relationship I had with my siblings because I could not sit and listen to them speak about him for I needed to voice my thoughts.My brother Kenny chose to live with our real father when he was 9 or 10.My mother gave him and my other older brother that choice and he was the only one who chose our real father.With Kenny's decision he became estranged to us because my stepfather treated him as an enemy to the family.I was never close to him because I didn't know him.
I do not believe a parent should ever be accepted by a child if they try to enter their life after 40 plus years.My sister welcomed our real father with open arms and she is now daddy's little girl.I can't forget the 40 plus years that he never tried to see me and it isn't all right for him to now try.
Is it proper for me to call you Dr.Klein or must I put Alia-Klein.Is Alia Latin or Middle Eastern?I'd say Italian,but I believe that is Latin.I feel as if your letters are a catharsis,but nothing I write is anything new.I haven't done so in a while,but when I put personal ads in the papers I'd always end up writing as I do now just so people truly know me.
Do you know what I fear?I have voiced as much to them as well,but I'm afraid to be alone in here and I know the four people I write are between the ages of 60-80.I recently asked Mr.Thieben to place a personal ad for me on the computer so I'll see what happens.I'd rather write someone locally in the area I grew up,but they don't have avenues for me to meet people down there.Down?I am way the fuck up North.
Did Mr.Thieben give you anything that I've written him throughout the years?If you think I write you a lot,imagine all that I've written him in close to 29 years.He told me he has files full in his office and I know his daughter(Lise)read a lot of them.
Okay,I will close and until the next time,take very good care ofb yourself.
Sincerely,
James
Saturday, November 24, 2018
March 14,2012
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
For some reason I received your March 9th letter before your March 8th letter.Thank you for your birthday wishes and fortunately,I have never felt older then the age I was arrested at.Of course,my black hair is starting to get many strands of gray,but it is not necessarily from age-stress may play a part of it.
I think as I have come to be a part of prison and learned all the hustles and games that people play,I easily feel as if I'm always on EDGE.Most call it patience,but I think it's far more than that.I just feel so sick and tired of being within a world where every bit of relations has to do with each acting as if they are a leech.
I suppose my agitation(s) grow to anger for my arrogance escalates the situation where the other party feels challenged in some way.I understand that there is always the possibility of this,but I accept this rather then having to hear someone elses B.S.!You really have no idea and the sad thing is that I know as soon as they open their mouths,the B.S. begins.
I know I'm not invincible,but when a situation becomes heated I do not back down from it even when I am at a disadvantage I will take it to the extreme level.I just feel I want to ruin that person as much as I possibly can.I know only so much damage can be meted out with my bare hands so usually when I get into an argument and I know I'm coming out the next day to confront the situation-I will have something in my hands that gives me the upperhand.
I feel that the more damage I cause the better of an example I'm setting.Consequences aren't thought about in those moments.My anger over-rides any logical thought and it's sad for most of the time it isn't that serious.When I bring reason to the situation,this is when my anger boils to where the other person backs down or we will meet the next day.Point blank?I'm not in a fucking Boy Scout camp here!
In early February an incident like this took place.I was trying to get something from another inmate in another part of the cell block.When I asked the inmate porter if he could go get it(his job is outside the cells so he is the person we ask to do favors for us when we are locked in our cells)he gave me a story that the officers were watching.This is sometimes the case but a lot of times the inmate porters use that as an excuse so they don't have to do anything.
Knowing this,I grew angry and went ALL out in calling the porter a "house nigger"!That term isn't a racist term,but it is the worst thing you could call a black person(especially in prison).I knew this and knew that there'd be a confrontation behind my statement.I wanted him to feel disrespected and I am aware of these things before I say them,but my anger does not allow me to care or worry about the consequences.
The next day in the yard(on February 5,2012)I reached in the weight box and grabbed 3-10 pound plates and tried to hit the inmate with them.At the time I wanted to damage as much as I possibly could.There was no reasoning and it did not matter who was there.I was blinded in a tunnel and my vision only included my target of my anger.
Fortunately this inmate was agile and from a few feet away he was able to duck out of the way of a 10 pound weight flyimg at him.I was fortunate that no weights hit him and furthermore,the officer that witnessed the incident was my old boss and he did not issue any misbehavior reports.
I don't know if it's a higher power or what,but I haven't had a misbehavior report for any violence of any kind since 1990!Once you get my medical records you'll wonder how this is possible fot throughout the years since then In have had to go nto the hospital tom get stitches or other wounds taken care of.On May 1,2006,the orbital bone around my right eye was broken.I went to the outside hospital and the only reason the surgeon decided not to do surgery was so no scars were left on my face.It isn't apparent by the naked eye but you could feel the bones around my eye feels like a mountain range.You could feel it when we meet.
This was when I went on the hunger strike,they tried putting me in administrative segregation in solitary confinement.I wouldn't tell them who hit me in the face with a pipe.Yes,I was struck in the face with a pipe that felt like a hammer.
When I get angry it is like that tunnel and the only thing in view is the target of my anger.I'm sorry this is so sloppy!When I begin writing I just quickly let it flow.
I don't have any thoughts when I am angry except to harm and destroy.I know there were instances like this in society,but nothing like in prison.I hope it is prison that entices my anger as it seems to be so frequent and its not something I look to have in society.I do not believe I will for in society I could walk away from situations whereas in prison you can't walk far enough away.I'm really not sure about the rage part.
It's a good question that you asked about why I felt I was the target of my father's abuses?I could never figure it out,but I truly believe it's because I was the youngest of my mother's children and then my stepfather had a child with my mother and my brother(Paul)was now the youngest.It's a crazy hypothesis,but I can't think of any other reason why?I remember one time when he was beating me and throwing me around like a rag doll,I pleaded<"dad,please stop!"He said,"I'm not your father!"I never forgot this statement and whenever I use to tell my family they never responded.It's either they did not have an answer or they didn't feel my pain or they didn't want to rock the boat.
How am I doing now?I don't want you to feel that I seek your help with my case,but I was railroaded and it affects me daily which is why Could never respect a fucking pig or any other member of this fucking justice system.The way my crime is explained isn't how it occurred and this was admitted,but I was told I should have raised the issue at sentencing or on appeal.So,my crime was taken from it being a horrific mistake by a teenage boy to me being seen as Hitler putting someone in an oven(so to speak).I've argued this for the past 13 years to no avail.I've asked people to help pay for lawyers and they did,but it's been to no avail.I deserve to be punished,but not for this long or for what they say.
My feelings?I'm not sure I should tell you what my feelings for my lawyer is for he had to know about this report and he didn't say anything.While he sits at home with his wife & children I occupy a prison cell.I lose some sanity each and every day while I lose more of my freedom to never have that American dream with the white picket fence,children,or a young blossoming beauty.Don't ask me how I feel for you really don't want to hear my answers.
When I learned about it and brought it to his attention in 1999,he said parole isn't interested in what I did to get to prison,they are concerned with what I've done in prison.Thats funny because I'm in prison for my crime and the first thing I'm always denied for is my crime.
Ask prof.Thieben some of the things I wrote about that lawyer.I may never get out of prison if they were known.That lawyer told me in 2005,that his partners were close to contacting parole because I was harassing him.I fell back and I let my feelings simmer in my own heart.It hurts to think of it.
Let me explain?The document says,"I lit the fire at the base of my victim's door and blocked his escape,"but really I lit the fire in my own room and immediately left the house before seeing it burn anything else.I have my minutes,arrest report,and many other documents that support it,but since I didn't raise the issue at sentencing or on appeal I can't do anything about it.
Remember what I said about not wanting to know answers to some questions?Why wouldn't prof.Thiebe and it is so easily brought to the surfacen,David & Linda,Or Father Frank help me with this issue?They have the money,I do not have a pot to piss in.I struggle to buy a bar of soap in commissary.Sure,they send money and packages here and there,but nothing to address this issue.They know about it in detail and I know they are not obligated to do anything and I'm not going to ask them.It burns me up.
I write to the people I just mentioned above.I have placed ads over the years and met some good people.I was married via an ad and though we are no longer together,I'm still married.She is back in California.I do look to do another ad soon when I scrape up the funds.
You see,I could only write certain things with who I do write.If I write prof.Thieben 10 pages,he is like you,he'll answer it with a page even after 30 years of writing.I wasn't just suggesting anything by my statement about you.You and I do not have the same relationship as I do with the others.I call them most and then there is the letter writing.I write and call and they answer my calls and send cards at Christmas & on birthdays.Mr.Thieben is the one that writes,but he only touches the surface in his letters.
Do I read?I've read 1000s of and feel sorry for those that can't read.I love to read and the only thing I won't read is science fiction & romance novels.Because I have a t.v. in my cell I don't do as much reading as I should.I find it ironic,but I watch NOVA every Wednesday night onPBS and also Frontline.I enjoy informative programs such as 60 minutes,Dateline,20/20,etc..I hate reality shows and I'd be satisfied with just one channel if it could be HISTORY channel'
Am I generally happy,sad,angry,or any other emotions?All of them,but I'm a big believer in this.I could be happy or sad and the one that feels better is Happiness!Neither makes my time go any quicker,but one feels better then the other.Anger is always beneath any feelings I do have I do have and it is easily brought to the surface'
I'd feel much more at peace if I could be placed in a cell with 4 walls and no contact with others.I truly would want this.
I've never been one that could be told anything.A lot of inmates boast and exaggeratye and if they are talking to me I let them know if I think they are full of shit.I was a punk 18 year old when I was arrested with nothing and I'll let it be known.Here you have crackheads trying to be something they aren't and never will be.I respect TRUTH and if you can't be truthful,then I really have no use for those around me.
Yes,I'm well known because of the time I have in and because others know I don't bite my tongue with the officers as well.
Because of that incident in the yard I didn't get written up but I am on the burn.I've been locked in my cell since then,but I have no record of it and I'll be in my cell until the officers feel they want me to come out.NO this doesn't effect when you come up.
I really don't know exactly what you want to know via letters so it is good that you ask questions.If I don't answer them deep enough for you,please tell me Dr.Alia-Klein.Don't worry,I won't be offended.
I don't feel pain during bouts of anger.I'm not sure I feel anything,but I wonder if aggression an anger was used in society to make things as I wanted them to be?I don't know.I know a psychologist in Auburn Corr.Fac. said I do things to the extreme and he asked that I don't cut myself so deep.I told him when I cut myself I want to go as deep as I could to reach a vein.but I never do.
In Sing Sing Corr.Fac. back in 1998,I destroyed 4 or 5 cells and a hospital room in a months time.When I broke the sinks and toilets I used the porcelain to cut myself with.Each and everytime I received stitches.I don't scratch myself,I cut deep because I am looking to end it all!
Dr.Alia-Klein,I don't want to be defined by my anger,as a murderer,or a convict.I know I could be a productive member of society one day.I would had loved to have children,but I'm not sure that's a reality any longer.I wouldn't want to be in my 60s when my child is in school.I have a lot of love in my heart to shower upon people.You are getting the ugly part of my life because this is what it seems my life has(only)been.
Well,I'll close for now and until next time,take very good care.
James
For some reason I received your March 9th letter before your March 8th letter.Thank you for your birthday wishes and fortunately,I have never felt older then the age I was arrested at.Of course,my black hair is starting to get many strands of gray,but it is not necessarily from age-stress may play a part of it.
I think as I have come to be a part of prison and learned all the hustles and games that people play,I easily feel as if I'm always on EDGE.Most call it patience,but I think it's far more than that.I just feel so sick and tired of being within a world where every bit of relations has to do with each acting as if they are a leech.
I suppose my agitation(s) grow to anger for my arrogance escalates the situation where the other party feels challenged in some way.I understand that there is always the possibility of this,but I accept this rather then having to hear someone elses B.S.!You really have no idea and the sad thing is that I know as soon as they open their mouths,the B.S. begins.
I know I'm not invincible,but when a situation becomes heated I do not back down from it even when I am at a disadvantage I will take it to the extreme level.I just feel I want to ruin that person as much as I possibly can.I know only so much damage can be meted out with my bare hands so usually when I get into an argument and I know I'm coming out the next day to confront the situation-I will have something in my hands that gives me the upperhand.
I feel that the more damage I cause the better of an example I'm setting.Consequences aren't thought about in those moments.My anger over-rides any logical thought and it's sad for most of the time it isn't that serious.When I bring reason to the situation,this is when my anger boils to where the other person backs down or we will meet the next day.Point blank?I'm not in a fucking Boy Scout camp here!
In early February an incident like this took place.I was trying to get something from another inmate in another part of the cell block.When I asked the inmate porter if he could go get it(his job is outside the cells so he is the person we ask to do favors for us when we are locked in our cells)he gave me a story that the officers were watching.This is sometimes the case but a lot of times the inmate porters use that as an excuse so they don't have to do anything.
Knowing this,I grew angry and went ALL out in calling the porter a "house nigger"!That term isn't a racist term,but it is the worst thing you could call a black person(especially in prison).I knew this and knew that there'd be a confrontation behind my statement.I wanted him to feel disrespected and I am aware of these things before I say them,but my anger does not allow me to care or worry about the consequences.
The next day in the yard(on February 5,2012)I reached in the weight box and grabbed 3-10 pound plates and tried to hit the inmate with them.At the time I wanted to damage as much as I possibly could.There was no reasoning and it did not matter who was there.I was blinded in a tunnel and my vision only included my target of my anger.
Fortunately this inmate was agile and from a few feet away he was able to duck out of the way of a 10 pound weight flyimg at him.I was fortunate that no weights hit him and furthermore,the officer that witnessed the incident was my old boss and he did not issue any misbehavior reports.
I don't know if it's a higher power or what,but I haven't had a misbehavior report for any violence of any kind since 1990!Once you get my medical records you'll wonder how this is possible fot throughout the years since then In have had to go nto the hospital tom get stitches or other wounds taken care of.On May 1,2006,the orbital bone around my right eye was broken.I went to the outside hospital and the only reason the surgeon decided not to do surgery was so no scars were left on my face.It isn't apparent by the naked eye but you could feel the bones around my eye feels like a mountain range.You could feel it when we meet.
This was when I went on the hunger strike,they tried putting me in administrative segregation in solitary confinement.I wouldn't tell them who hit me in the face with a pipe.Yes,I was struck in the face with a pipe that felt like a hammer.
When I get angry it is like that tunnel and the only thing in view is the target of my anger.I'm sorry this is so sloppy!When I begin writing I just quickly let it flow.
I don't have any thoughts when I am angry except to harm and destroy.I know there were instances like this in society,but nothing like in prison.I hope it is prison that entices my anger as it seems to be so frequent and its not something I look to have in society.I do not believe I will for in society I could walk away from situations whereas in prison you can't walk far enough away.I'm really not sure about the rage part.
It's a good question that you asked about why I felt I was the target of my father's abuses?I could never figure it out,but I truly believe it's because I was the youngest of my mother's children and then my stepfather had a child with my mother and my brother(Paul)was now the youngest.It's a crazy hypothesis,but I can't think of any other reason why?I remember one time when he was beating me and throwing me around like a rag doll,I pleaded<"dad,please stop!"He said,"I'm not your father!"I never forgot this statement and whenever I use to tell my family they never responded.It's either they did not have an answer or they didn't feel my pain or they didn't want to rock the boat.
How am I doing now?I don't want you to feel that I seek your help with my case,but I was railroaded and it affects me daily which is why Could never respect a fucking pig or any other member of this fucking justice system.The way my crime is explained isn't how it occurred and this was admitted,but I was told I should have raised the issue at sentencing or on appeal.So,my crime was taken from it being a horrific mistake by a teenage boy to me being seen as Hitler putting someone in an oven(so to speak).I've argued this for the past 13 years to no avail.I've asked people to help pay for lawyers and they did,but it's been to no avail.I deserve to be punished,but not for this long or for what they say.
My feelings?I'm not sure I should tell you what my feelings for my lawyer is for he had to know about this report and he didn't say anything.While he sits at home with his wife & children I occupy a prison cell.I lose some sanity each and every day while I lose more of my freedom to never have that American dream with the white picket fence,children,or a young blossoming beauty.Don't ask me how I feel for you really don't want to hear my answers.
When I learned about it and brought it to his attention in 1999,he said parole isn't interested in what I did to get to prison,they are concerned with what I've done in prison.Thats funny because I'm in prison for my crime and the first thing I'm always denied for is my crime.
Ask prof.Thieben some of the things I wrote about that lawyer.I may never get out of prison if they were known.That lawyer told me in 2005,that his partners were close to contacting parole because I was harassing him.I fell back and I let my feelings simmer in my own heart.It hurts to think of it.
Let me explain?The document says,"I lit the fire at the base of my victim's door and blocked his escape,"but really I lit the fire in my own room and immediately left the house before seeing it burn anything else.I have my minutes,arrest report,and many other documents that support it,but since I didn't raise the issue at sentencing or on appeal I can't do anything about it.
Remember what I said about not wanting to know answers to some questions?Why wouldn't prof.Thiebe and it is so easily brought to the surfacen,David & Linda,Or Father Frank help me with this issue?They have the money,I do not have a pot to piss in.I struggle to buy a bar of soap in commissary.Sure,they send money and packages here and there,but nothing to address this issue.They know about it in detail and I know they are not obligated to do anything and I'm not going to ask them.It burns me up.
I write to the people I just mentioned above.I have placed ads over the years and met some good people.I was married via an ad and though we are no longer together,I'm still married.She is back in California.I do look to do another ad soon when I scrape up the funds.
You see,I could only write certain things with who I do write.If I write prof.Thieben 10 pages,he is like you,he'll answer it with a page even after 30 years of writing.I wasn't just suggesting anything by my statement about you.You and I do not have the same relationship as I do with the others.I call them most and then there is the letter writing.I write and call and they answer my calls and send cards at Christmas & on birthdays.Mr.Thieben is the one that writes,but he only touches the surface in his letters.
Do I read?I've read 1000s of and feel sorry for those that can't read.I love to read and the only thing I won't read is science fiction & romance novels.Because I have a t.v. in my cell I don't do as much reading as I should.I find it ironic,but I watch NOVA every Wednesday night onPBS and also Frontline.I enjoy informative programs such as 60 minutes,Dateline,20/20,etc..I hate reality shows and I'd be satisfied with just one channel if it could be HISTORY channel'
Am I generally happy,sad,angry,or any other emotions?All of them,but I'm a big believer in this.I could be happy or sad and the one that feels better is Happiness!Neither makes my time go any quicker,but one feels better then the other.Anger is always beneath any feelings I do have I do have and it is easily brought to the surface'
I'd feel much more at peace if I could be placed in a cell with 4 walls and no contact with others.I truly would want this.
I've never been one that could be told anything.A lot of inmates boast and exaggeratye and if they are talking to me I let them know if I think they are full of shit.I was a punk 18 year old when I was arrested with nothing and I'll let it be known.Here you have crackheads trying to be something they aren't and never will be.I respect TRUTH and if you can't be truthful,then I really have no use for those around me.
Yes,I'm well known because of the time I have in and because others know I don't bite my tongue with the officers as well.
Because of that incident in the yard I didn't get written up but I am on the burn.I've been locked in my cell since then,but I have no record of it and I'll be in my cell until the officers feel they want me to come out.NO this doesn't effect when you come up.
I really don't know exactly what you want to know via letters so it is good that you ask questions.If I don't answer them deep enough for you,please tell me Dr.Alia-Klein.Don't worry,I won't be offended.
I don't feel pain during bouts of anger.I'm not sure I feel anything,but I wonder if aggression an anger was used in society to make things as I wanted them to be?I don't know.I know a psychologist in Auburn Corr.Fac. said I do things to the extreme and he asked that I don't cut myself so deep.I told him when I cut myself I want to go as deep as I could to reach a vein.but I never do.
In Sing Sing Corr.Fac. back in 1998,I destroyed 4 or 5 cells and a hospital room in a months time.When I broke the sinks and toilets I used the porcelain to cut myself with.Each and everytime I received stitches.I don't scratch myself,I cut deep because I am looking to end it all!
Dr.Alia-Klein,I don't want to be defined by my anger,as a murderer,or a convict.I know I could be a productive member of society one day.I would had loved to have children,but I'm not sure that's a reality any longer.I wouldn't want to be in my 60s when my child is in school.I have a lot of love in my heart to shower upon people.You are getting the ugly part of my life because this is what it seems my life has(only)been.
Well,I'll close for now and until next time,take very good care.
James
Friday, November 23, 2018
March 14,2012
I want to point out that the blogs you read are letters I sent to a scientist who is studying a Gene in the brain to see if it causes people to be violent.Basically I'm sharing my life with her and much of that life was in a maximum security prison cell for a murder I committed when I was 18 years old.I tell you to enjoy a world of words that I once lived and now think about every moment of my days(November 23,2018).
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
At times I feel as if I'm in a confessional booth as I write to you,but I feel any information about me may help with your interview.
It hasn't escaped me,that you're living in Rocky point>I'm not sure if it means you could relate to what I write that much more,but if you recognize landmarks-it may help.
I grew up(my early teens)with low self-esteem.I was unusually tall and thin only having a handful of people I could call friends.My height came from my long legs(a 38" inseam-now)and it was difficult to find jeans in my size.As a teenager those things really weigh on your mind especially when you're beginning to attract to the opposite sex.When I saw a blossoming beauty,I'd always want to make a good first impression,but my mind would wander to the pants I wore.
If I wore the trendy jeans(Levis)I'd have to lower the waist so they wouldn't be highwaters(I'd fit right in if the rap generation was 30 something years ago).So,my pants were specially made by a tailor,but they could never duplicate Levis or cordoroys,Lees,etc,,
You wouldn't think something so simple would weigh on a teenager's mind,but it did.Outside of school it wouldn't matter to me,but school was 90% of my socializing grounds.At the ages of 13,14,15,and part of 16 I was probably punished 85% of that time.I didn't have answers as to what led me to trouble,but I knew I'd find some troubles just so I could stay in school longer(in detention).
High school ended at 2pm and detention ended at about 3:30pm.Believe it or not,I found it to be fun for I knew when I returned home I had to stay in my room.I clearly remember whole summers standind at the window in my room.12 Violet Rd. sits atop a big hill and from that window I could look down to Willow Rd.,Yucca Rd.,and all the way to Locust Drive.
While it was the worst event in my life(then)being thrown out of my house(at 16) was also the best time.At 16,there is nothing better then not having a curfew or parents staring down my neck.It was also as if I was being introduced to life for the first time at 16.I was no longer punished and I could get into all the mischief other teens have known years before.
Do you know that I was happier being homeless just so I could stay in familiar surroundings(Rocky Point).Sure,alot of times my mother would finance it so I could stay at a friend's house,but at times there wasn't a friend's house.I'd get that money from my mother and I'd party with friends until they had to be in for the night and I'd then hit the 'hole in the wall' bars-Galaways,Harrys,Pete's place,etc..I was tall for my age and being that my stepfather knew most other business owners they probably thought Jimmy's son must be of age.I was probably the only homeless in all of Rocky Point back in 1981.
During the day I'd sneak home to take a shower.I don't believe most people knew I was homeless.There use to be a Taxi business there on Broadway(Rocky Point Taxi) and I knew the owner and all the dispatchers.I'd sit in there with the female dispatchers and at about 2-3 in the morning I'd go out back to sleep in one of the cabs that wasn't in operation.
The worst day of my life was Christmas of 1981!I spent it(after going home for about 20 minutes to collect clothes my mother got me)on a bench behind the laundromat on Broadway.I sat in the cold on that bench Christmas morning.
Even at 16,you still feel embarrassment and though there weren't many out at 7 or 8am on Christmas morning,I sat on that bench back there so I wouldn't be seen.It was the coldest and lonliest day of my life.
I think some of my stays in psychiatric hospitals was for the reason that I was homeless.It was warmer in Sagamore Childrens center then on the streets.
The time I did find comfortable housing(Seabury Barn in Stony Brook & Hope House in Port Jefferson)I was thrown out of those two group homes for violence.Father Frank from Hope House was quoted in the newspaper(in regards to my crime)-NEWSDAY-as saying,"Sean had a heart of gold and James is an angry lad."He is a great man.but that was another chance for me to turn my life around and I did not.It's sad & it's not wondering what people who still live in Rocky Point would have to say about me?If their minds aren't tainted by my crime,I'd still think there'd be negative responses except from one girl(Brenda Ackerman).I think she still lives in the area,but for the life of me I can't remember the name of her street.I know where it is & how to get there,but not the name of the streets in The Tides.With a computer I'd probably find her in 5 minutes and I've spent many hours wondering how in an age where it's so easy to find someone,I am in prison without access to a computer or phonebook?
Most of those that would give the bad & ugly about me?I'll probably never again see in my life,but Rocky Point has been the only home I've ever known for my 18 years in society.
I hope I'm not boring you or didn't bore you?I always wanted to be accepted by my stepfather,but I knew I never was.I felt as if I was the only one of us kids that he didn't show love to.I felt that bas a child and I am clearly able to remember those times CLEARLY.
Is there still a field across the street from McDonalds on 25A?In that field my stepfather would hold 4 wheel drive mud races and everyone in school knew he was my father.They knew him for owning the Auto Repair business on Tyler Street(off 25A & Prince Rd.)and having nice muscle cars & 4 wheel drive trucks with big tires.I was proud that ball those people knew him,but hurt that he NEVER recognized me.
I'll close for now awaiting your response in regards to the enclosures.Until next time,take good care.
James Morgan
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
At times I feel as if I'm in a confessional booth as I write to you,but I feel any information about me may help with your interview.
It hasn't escaped me,that you're living in Rocky point>I'm not sure if it means you could relate to what I write that much more,but if you recognize landmarks-it may help.
I grew up(my early teens)with low self-esteem.I was unusually tall and thin only having a handful of people I could call friends.My height came from my long legs(a 38" inseam-now)and it was difficult to find jeans in my size.As a teenager those things really weigh on your mind especially when you're beginning to attract to the opposite sex.When I saw a blossoming beauty,I'd always want to make a good first impression,but my mind would wander to the pants I wore.
If I wore the trendy jeans(Levis)I'd have to lower the waist so they wouldn't be highwaters(I'd fit right in if the rap generation was 30 something years ago).So,my pants were specially made by a tailor,but they could never duplicate Levis or cordoroys,Lees,etc,,
You wouldn't think something so simple would weigh on a teenager's mind,but it did.Outside of school it wouldn't matter to me,but school was 90% of my socializing grounds.At the ages of 13,14,15,and part of 16 I was probably punished 85% of that time.I didn't have answers as to what led me to trouble,but I knew I'd find some troubles just so I could stay in school longer(in detention).
High school ended at 2pm and detention ended at about 3:30pm.Believe it or not,I found it to be fun for I knew when I returned home I had to stay in my room.I clearly remember whole summers standind at the window in my room.12 Violet Rd. sits atop a big hill and from that window I could look down to Willow Rd.,Yucca Rd.,and all the way to Locust Drive.
While it was the worst event in my life(then)being thrown out of my house(at 16) was also the best time.At 16,there is nothing better then not having a curfew or parents staring down my neck.It was also as if I was being introduced to life for the first time at 16.I was no longer punished and I could get into all the mischief other teens have known years before.
Do you know that I was happier being homeless just so I could stay in familiar surroundings(Rocky Point).Sure,alot of times my mother would finance it so I could stay at a friend's house,but at times there wasn't a friend's house.I'd get that money from my mother and I'd party with friends until they had to be in for the night and I'd then hit the 'hole in the wall' bars-Galaways,Harrys,Pete's place,etc..I was tall for my age and being that my stepfather knew most other business owners they probably thought Jimmy's son must be of age.I was probably the only homeless in all of Rocky Point back in 1981.
During the day I'd sneak home to take a shower.I don't believe most people knew I was homeless.There use to be a Taxi business there on Broadway(Rocky Point Taxi) and I knew the owner and all the dispatchers.I'd sit in there with the female dispatchers and at about 2-3 in the morning I'd go out back to sleep in one of the cabs that wasn't in operation.
The worst day of my life was Christmas of 1981!I spent it(after going home for about 20 minutes to collect clothes my mother got me)on a bench behind the laundromat on Broadway.I sat in the cold on that bench Christmas morning.
Even at 16,you still feel embarrassment and though there weren't many out at 7 or 8am on Christmas morning,I sat on that bench back there so I wouldn't be seen.It was the coldest and lonliest day of my life.
I think some of my stays in psychiatric hospitals was for the reason that I was homeless.It was warmer in Sagamore Childrens center then on the streets.
The time I did find comfortable housing(Seabury Barn in Stony Brook & Hope House in Port Jefferson)I was thrown out of those two group homes for violence.Father Frank from Hope House was quoted in the newspaper(in regards to my crime)-NEWSDAY-as saying,"Sean had a heart of gold and James is an angry lad."He is a great man.but that was another chance for me to turn my life around and I did not.It's sad & it's not wondering what people who still live in Rocky Point would have to say about me?If their minds aren't tainted by my crime,I'd still think there'd be negative responses except from one girl(Brenda Ackerman).I think she still lives in the area,but for the life of me I can't remember the name of her street.I know where it is & how to get there,but not the name of the streets in The Tides.With a computer I'd probably find her in 5 minutes and I've spent many hours wondering how in an age where it's so easy to find someone,I am in prison without access to a computer or phonebook?
Most of those that would give the bad & ugly about me?I'll probably never again see in my life,but Rocky Point has been the only home I've ever known for my 18 years in society.
I hope I'm not boring you or didn't bore you?I always wanted to be accepted by my stepfather,but I knew I never was.I felt as if I was the only one of us kids that he didn't show love to.I felt that bas a child and I am clearly able to remember those times CLEARLY.
Is there still a field across the street from McDonalds on 25A?In that field my stepfather would hold 4 wheel drive mud races and everyone in school knew he was my father.They knew him for owning the Auto Repair business on Tyler Street(off 25A & Prince Rd.)and having nice muscle cars & 4 wheel drive trucks with big tires.I was proud that ball those people knew him,but hurt that he NEVER recognized me.
I'll close for now awaiting your response in regards to the enclosures.Until next time,take good care.
James Morgan
March 13,2012
Dr.Alia-Klein:
I received your March 9,2012,letter and would like to respond to your question about my physical(medical)and mental health records.I have no problem,whatsoever,supplying you with my physical&mental health records,but I live "hand to mouth" and definitely can't afford to pay for such.Any income that I do have is sent from the(few)circle of friends I write.These records aren't ones that I have,but I have no problem signing an Authorization of release for my physical&mental health records for you to obtain them.As a matter of fact,I'll write out a release form and will have it notarized(I'll send it to you tomorrow).I'll also write the nurse administrator(B.Lecuyer-not sure if it's a man or woman)tonight asking the costs.They definitely do not provide this free of charge to me-for you I'm not sure.
As I said in a previous letter,I will supply you with whatever information you request.I just hope the above records will be in your hands before you come up in April if you need them.I just finished the Authorization forms,so I,ll get them notarized and in the mail following this letter.
I may have a biased opinion,butI don't put much into what a prison psychologist has to say.The last diagnosis they placed upon me was Borderline Personality.I'm not exactly sure what that means,but when it comes to PERSONALITIES and myself and mental health?I'm leery about that.
The second stabbing I had in prison was ONLY because the inmate was a rapist.Maybe I'm not in any position to judge another,but I hate those that rape.It was once thought of as a mental condition,but I don't believe this is so.My sister once told me that a child molester shouldn't be judged by me for I took a life.I could had argued it with her,but I never looked to introduce her to ugliness.Remember Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch?My sister emulates her and the only ugliness she probably ever saw was that emitted by my father.
If I knew 29 years ago that I'd still be in prison today and I had the means,I would had taken my own life.I'm not afraid to die as lond as it is painless.I think the lonlier a person is-the easier it is.You see,when you have love all around you,you always feel that you must leave a message to this one or that one.My circle of friends is prof.Thieben,David&Linda,and Father Francis Pizzarelli.I feel the most obligated to Mr.Thieben,but I also write him the most.With the word most,I mean in depth,intense,and profound writing.He KNOWS me and though he may not voluntarily tell another ALL about me he knows if I was to end my life?He'd have an idea why and he'd understand it the most.
Lonliness is sad!I don't speak in terms of not being in intimate relations with a woman.I mean being alone and not having anyone that would show much concern for losing me.
In thr beginning of my sentence freedom was so desired for it wasdepressing to think I'd be defined as a convict,that prison would be my last residence!At least,than I knew I had someone to claim my body,but today I truly believe I'd be buried right outside the prison walls.It's not because of age,but at least today I could tell you I don't much care where I was buried(back than it mattered when I was surrounded by love).
A few years ago I began filling out documents by checking the box that both parents are deceased.Do you know I was once so close to my mother that I couldn't go a week without writing her or talking to her on the phone?My sister said I let hatred of my stepfather dictate and ruin my life.
Have you ever read the book or seen the movie,"The Green Mile" by Stephen King?Tom Hanks' character is kept alive by God far longer then normal for him to see all his loved ones die around him and to face other sorrows in life.Well,I truly feel this myself,but at least in Tom Hanks' case we know the answer why.
Sure,I'm only 47,but I have experienced near death incidents or should I say I should have been dead.I truly believe I'm kept alive to experience hurt'loss'pain'etc..That is why I'm so hesitant in taking my own life fir I fear failure.With my luck my 6'9" frame doesn't have many places to hang in cells that were built in the 1800s and I'd probably lose air to my brain,but not enough.I'd probably end up still alive,but paralyed and having to live life that way.I've taken a razor to my own arms and it required visits to the outside hospital for stitches.
Dr.Alia-Klein,I don't seek any sympathy or pity for my situation for I did take a life.I do not know what vprice one must pay for taking a life?
Remember Timothy McVeigh and the horrible crimes he committed?All of America thought justice was putting him to death,but I could assure you that he found the easy way out.It would had been more of a punishment if he was kept alive having to spend his life in a prison cell.I only still live because I have the possibility of release and if I didn't have that HOPE I know I'd be an empty soul left to waste away.
I'll have those papers in the mail to you following this letter.Until the next time,take good care.
Sincerely,
James Morgan
I received your March 9,2012,letter and would like to respond to your question about my physical(medical)and mental health records.I have no problem,whatsoever,supplying you with my physical&mental health records,but I live "hand to mouth" and definitely can't afford to pay for such.Any income that I do have is sent from the(few)circle of friends I write.These records aren't ones that I have,but I have no problem signing an Authorization of release for my physical&mental health records for you to obtain them.As a matter of fact,I'll write out a release form and will have it notarized(I'll send it to you tomorrow).I'll also write the nurse administrator(B.Lecuyer-not sure if it's a man or woman)tonight asking the costs.They definitely do not provide this free of charge to me-for you I'm not sure.
As I said in a previous letter,I will supply you with whatever information you request.I just hope the above records will be in your hands before you come up in April if you need them.I just finished the Authorization forms,so I,ll get them notarized and in the mail following this letter.
I may have a biased opinion,butI don't put much into what a prison psychologist has to say.The last diagnosis they placed upon me was Borderline Personality.I'm not exactly sure what that means,but when it comes to PERSONALITIES and myself and mental health?I'm leery about that.
The second stabbing I had in prison was ONLY because the inmate was a rapist.Maybe I'm not in any position to judge another,but I hate those that rape.It was once thought of as a mental condition,but I don't believe this is so.My sister once told me that a child molester shouldn't be judged by me for I took a life.I could had argued it with her,but I never looked to introduce her to ugliness.Remember Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch?My sister emulates her and the only ugliness she probably ever saw was that emitted by my father.
If I knew 29 years ago that I'd still be in prison today and I had the means,I would had taken my own life.I'm not afraid to die as lond as it is painless.I think the lonlier a person is-the easier it is.You see,when you have love all around you,you always feel that you must leave a message to this one or that one.My circle of friends is prof.Thieben,David&Linda,and Father Francis Pizzarelli.I feel the most obligated to Mr.Thieben,but I also write him the most.With the word most,I mean in depth,intense,and profound writing.He KNOWS me and though he may not voluntarily tell another ALL about me he knows if I was to end my life?He'd have an idea why and he'd understand it the most.
Lonliness is sad!I don't speak in terms of not being in intimate relations with a woman.I mean being alone and not having anyone that would show much concern for losing me.
In thr beginning of my sentence freedom was so desired for it wasdepressing to think I'd be defined as a convict,that prison would be my last residence!At least,than I knew I had someone to claim my body,but today I truly believe I'd be buried right outside the prison walls.It's not because of age,but at least today I could tell you I don't much care where I was buried(back than it mattered when I was surrounded by love).
A few years ago I began filling out documents by checking the box that both parents are deceased.Do you know I was once so close to my mother that I couldn't go a week without writing her or talking to her on the phone?My sister said I let hatred of my stepfather dictate and ruin my life.
Have you ever read the book or seen the movie,"The Green Mile" by Stephen King?Tom Hanks' character is kept alive by God far longer then normal for him to see all his loved ones die around him and to face other sorrows in life.Well,I truly feel this myself,but at least in Tom Hanks' case we know the answer why.
Sure,I'm only 47,but I have experienced near death incidents or should I say I should have been dead.I truly believe I'm kept alive to experience hurt'loss'pain'etc..That is why I'm so hesitant in taking my own life fir I fear failure.With my luck my 6'9" frame doesn't have many places to hang in cells that were built in the 1800s and I'd probably lose air to my brain,but not enough.I'd probably end up still alive,but paralyed and having to live life that way.I've taken a razor to my own arms and it required visits to the outside hospital for stitches.
Dr.Alia-Klein,I don't seek any sympathy or pity for my situation for I did take a life.I do not know what vprice one must pay for taking a life?
Remember Timothy McVeigh and the horrible crimes he committed?All of America thought justice was putting him to death,but I could assure you that he found the easy way out.It would had been more of a punishment if he was kept alive having to spend his life in a prison cell.I only still live because I have the possibility of release and if I didn't have that HOPE I know I'd be an empty soul left to waste away.
I'll have those papers in the mail to you following this letter.Until the next time,take good care.
Sincerely,
James Morgan
March 12,2012
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
I'm not sure I'm saying this right,but I don't want to sound as if it's always,"Woe is me" for I do think I dig my own hole at times.I suppose I'm smart enough not to bury myself completely.
When it comes to relations and I mainly speak in regards to my family,I'm unable to remain idle when something isn't right.I found out long ago that "Blood isn't always thicker than water" and you know the adage,"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to?"Well,I knew a lot of the answers,but I tested it and found that if I didn't write home I wouldn't have heard from my family.It was sad to learn this and it made me feel that much more lonlier.
Now prof.Thieben(who has told me you met with him)wouldn't allow a period of time to elapse before becoming concerned.You'll notice I put the man on a pedestal because he is a genuine person who has been within my life for over 30 years.He has done far more for me than my own family.
I'm afraid he didn't give you the igliness within my life for he would not want you to believe I'm anything but GOOD.I do respect him for this,but I also know you're interested in that ugliness more than the good.
I know my intentions have always been good until I'm rubbed the wrong way.I use to rewind my life and play those memories over and over and I know my life couldn't have turned out as it has for what I didn't do.
You see,alot believe GOD has a plan for all of us and I sometimes wonder why is this subculture my plan?I know why some of it is my plan,but 29 years?Throughout Rocky Point I was the teenage boy pushing around a lawn mower mowing the lawns of the elderly,shovelling their driveways,raking their leaves,etc. so GOD isn't punishing me for not helping those who needed it.
I've experienced far more then the average convict and yes,I do know a lot of it is my own disposition!I'd rather be left alone than to socialize with men who ONLY develop relations to serve a need.When a man approaches me in here,I automatically believe he speaks because he wants/needs something.Some will waste 15 minutes of conversation to get a cigarette and I expect this so my personalilty is arrogance.I use to believe and I tried to be a good teacher for the young white kids just beginning their sentences.
I'd fight their battles so they wouldn't be physically/sexually abused,but I could only fight so much for them before they have to do it for themselves.I just hate all that is around me for everyone salivates over another as if we're all food to satisfy a hunger.
I hope I'm not disturbing you with my letters but,I feel I'm giving parts of my personality that may lead to why things have turned out as they have.
When my stepfather threw me out of the house in August of 1981(I was 16)it was the last time I lived at 12 Violet Rd..It was the only residence I could call home for up until my arrest it was psychiatric hospitals,group homes,in people's basements.in cars,the woods,streets,county jail,etc..
On November 9,1983,whenI was released from Kings park psychiatric center I rented a room in Port Jefferson and got a job as a dishwasher.I worked at this same place in 1982 before I was thrown out of Hope House by Father Frank.I broke windows in the house after swinging a vacuum tube at another resident.Father Frank and I are good friends today.
I believe I had to turn my life around and for an 18 year old who was wayward,a dishwasher job was as if I was now responsible.Though my girlfriend was paying my rent I felt I was on the path to change.
When I came home from work at 4am on the 19th my bedroom door was kicked in.I woke up the other three tenants and Sean admitted to doing it.I met Sean in Hope House when I moved there back in 1982 and he was the one who helped me get this room in 1983.Sean claimed to be drunk and him & a few friends felt alittle rowdy.It was understandable and after a few hours of sleep I went to the hardware store to get materials to fix my door.That day Sean and I played quarters(a drinking game)before I went to work.
Either I liked drinking or I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic.All through work I'd run downstairs and drink a few beers.When I took the garbage to the dumpster I'd always have a 6-pack of beer in the garbage can to drink before I returned to work.
That evening of the 20th(really it was 5:30am on the 20th)I returned home to find my door kicked in again.I knew who did it,but I still woke the other residents besides Sean.They claimed to know nothing and a drunken Sean once again admitted it.
I went into my room,packed all my belongings and because I was just angrily tossing stuff in a suitcase some stuff wouldn't fit.The stuff that wouldn't fit was thrown into the corner.I ran downstairs,opened the fire alarm box and ripped the wires out.When I got back upstairs I threw a match on a set of sheets,turned around and left the house.About 10-12 hours later I found out that Sean died.
That was my crime close to 29 years ago and instead of channeling my anger in another way I lit that fire.I was thrown out of almost evewry place I lived(after I was thrown out of my home)for violence.As a kid in school it was violence,at a summer camp I beat a kid with a hockey stick and I suppose if I tried to,I could remember my first act of violence.
In prison violence is the way to survive,it is how you gain respect and today if violence is put forth,it is more out of hatred I believe.
Let me tell you a story that occurred on February 5,2012.I argued with an inmate and when we went to yard I picked up weights and threw them at him.I missed him(fortunately)and the officer who I use to work for didn't report the incident.I wrote the professor about this,but since then I have locked in my cell which I'm okay with for it wasn't written up and my parole board will never know about it.At that moment I didn't care about consequences,butnow I'm glad no weights hit him.
In 1988,the Inspector General's Office designated me a Central Monitoring case(C.M.C.)for being a "severe management problem and for poor discipline"criteria III-D.It scared me for I've seen officers kill inmates in here and I thought this was certainly a license for them to kill me for it would be so easy to say I wouldn't stop resisting..In 1993,I had to be reviewed by a psychologist to see if I was fit to have the C.M.C. tag lifted.It wasn't on me for being unfit,it was for what I wrote above(go figure).
The woman who worked at the North Shore Youth Bureau(Rocky Point)that I wrote articles for in 1988?I'm still friends with her&her husband.They live in Port Jefferson.I don't know if they could help your research about me,but in the beginning of our correspondence in 1988,they knew about everything I now state.She is a social worker and her husband owns his own computer programming business(two great people).
The people who would really speak ill about me?My family and all of those who are still in Rocky Point that were there in the late 70s-early 80s.I won't disturb you or bore you until I hear from you for I really don't know what information you seek.
I think I will close for now and until the next time take very good care.
sincerely,
James Morgan
I'm not sure I'm saying this right,but I don't want to sound as if it's always,"Woe is me" for I do think I dig my own hole at times.I suppose I'm smart enough not to bury myself completely.
When it comes to relations and I mainly speak in regards to my family,I'm unable to remain idle when something isn't right.I found out long ago that "Blood isn't always thicker than water" and you know the adage,"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to?"Well,I knew a lot of the answers,but I tested it and found that if I didn't write home I wouldn't have heard from my family.It was sad to learn this and it made me feel that much more lonlier.
Now prof.Thieben(who has told me you met with him)wouldn't allow a period of time to elapse before becoming concerned.You'll notice I put the man on a pedestal because he is a genuine person who has been within my life for over 30 years.He has done far more for me than my own family.
I'm afraid he didn't give you the igliness within my life for he would not want you to believe I'm anything but GOOD.I do respect him for this,but I also know you're interested in that ugliness more than the good.
I know my intentions have always been good until I'm rubbed the wrong way.I use to rewind my life and play those memories over and over and I know my life couldn't have turned out as it has for what I didn't do.
You see,alot believe GOD has a plan for all of us and I sometimes wonder why is this subculture my plan?I know why some of it is my plan,but 29 years?Throughout Rocky Point I was the teenage boy pushing around a lawn mower mowing the lawns of the elderly,shovelling their driveways,raking their leaves,etc. so GOD isn't punishing me for not helping those who needed it.
I've experienced far more then the average convict and yes,I do know a lot of it is my own disposition!I'd rather be left alone than to socialize with men who ONLY develop relations to serve a need.When a man approaches me in here,I automatically believe he speaks because he wants/needs something.Some will waste 15 minutes of conversation to get a cigarette and I expect this so my personalilty is arrogance.I use to believe and I tried to be a good teacher for the young white kids just beginning their sentences.
I'd fight their battles so they wouldn't be physically/sexually abused,but I could only fight so much for them before they have to do it for themselves.I just hate all that is around me for everyone salivates over another as if we're all food to satisfy a hunger.
I hope I'm not disturbing you with my letters but,I feel I'm giving parts of my personality that may lead to why things have turned out as they have.
When my stepfather threw me out of the house in August of 1981(I was 16)it was the last time I lived at 12 Violet Rd..It was the only residence I could call home for up until my arrest it was psychiatric hospitals,group homes,in people's basements.in cars,the woods,streets,county jail,etc..
On November 9,1983,whenI was released from Kings park psychiatric center I rented a room in Port Jefferson and got a job as a dishwasher.I worked at this same place in 1982 before I was thrown out of Hope House by Father Frank.I broke windows in the house after swinging a vacuum tube at another resident.Father Frank and I are good friends today.
I believe I had to turn my life around and for an 18 year old who was wayward,a dishwasher job was as if I was now responsible.Though my girlfriend was paying my rent I felt I was on the path to change.
When I came home from work at 4am on the 19th my bedroom door was kicked in.I woke up the other three tenants and Sean admitted to doing it.I met Sean in Hope House when I moved there back in 1982 and he was the one who helped me get this room in 1983.Sean claimed to be drunk and him & a few friends felt alittle rowdy.It was understandable and after a few hours of sleep I went to the hardware store to get materials to fix my door.That day Sean and I played quarters(a drinking game)before I went to work.
Either I liked drinking or I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic.All through work I'd run downstairs and drink a few beers.When I took the garbage to the dumpster I'd always have a 6-pack of beer in the garbage can to drink before I returned to work.
That evening of the 20th(really it was 5:30am on the 20th)I returned home to find my door kicked in again.I knew who did it,but I still woke the other residents besides Sean.They claimed to know nothing and a drunken Sean once again admitted it.
I went into my room,packed all my belongings and because I was just angrily tossing stuff in a suitcase some stuff wouldn't fit.The stuff that wouldn't fit was thrown into the corner.I ran downstairs,opened the fire alarm box and ripped the wires out.When I got back upstairs I threw a match on a set of sheets,turned around and left the house.About 10-12 hours later I found out that Sean died.
That was my crime close to 29 years ago and instead of channeling my anger in another way I lit that fire.I was thrown out of almost evewry place I lived(after I was thrown out of my home)for violence.As a kid in school it was violence,at a summer camp I beat a kid with a hockey stick and I suppose if I tried to,I could remember my first act of violence.
In prison violence is the way to survive,it is how you gain respect and today if violence is put forth,it is more out of hatred I believe.
Let me tell you a story that occurred on February 5,2012.I argued with an inmate and when we went to yard I picked up weights and threw them at him.I missed him(fortunately)and the officer who I use to work for didn't report the incident.I wrote the professor about this,but since then I have locked in my cell which I'm okay with for it wasn't written up and my parole board will never know about it.At that moment I didn't care about consequences,butnow I'm glad no weights hit him.
In 1988,the Inspector General's Office designated me a Central Monitoring case(C.M.C.)for being a "severe management problem and for poor discipline"criteria III-D.It scared me for I've seen officers kill inmates in here and I thought this was certainly a license for them to kill me for it would be so easy to say I wouldn't stop resisting..In 1993,I had to be reviewed by a psychologist to see if I was fit to have the C.M.C. tag lifted.It wasn't on me for being unfit,it was for what I wrote above(go figure).
The woman who worked at the North Shore Youth Bureau(Rocky Point)that I wrote articles for in 1988?I'm still friends with her&her husband.They live in Port Jefferson.I don't know if they could help your research about me,but in the beginning of our correspondence in 1988,they knew about everything I now state.She is a social worker and her husband owns his own computer programming business(two great people).
The people who would really speak ill about me?My family and all of those who are still in Rocky Point that were there in the late 70s-early 80s.I won't disturb you or bore you until I hear from you for I really don't know what information you seek.
I think I will close for now and until the next time take very good care.
sincerely,
James Morgan
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
March 9,2012
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
Throughout my years of imprisonment,more so in the past,I have written about my experiences growing up,using drugs/alcohol,and the ugliness of prison.I always believed I had a story to tell that may help someone else for I know there are many that mirror my own life.
In 2004,I wrote about my drug/alcohol use and I asked professor Thieben(the contact I gave you)if he knew any directors of any A.A./N.A.s for he knows so many people.I was impressed to learn that he was good friends with the late author Mario Puzo and being that prof.Thieben played in the N.B.A. in the '50s his affiliations are widespread.I was already in the process of writing "What Hope Means To The Imprisoned",but I really wanted to write about drugs/alcohol.
On August 28,2004,prof.Thieben visited me and he told me to write it and he'd make sure it got into the right hands.When prof.Thieben says anything,I've always been able to say "POSITIVELY" it would be done!
After a few months had passed,on October 14,2004,I received a letter from a woman in Florida who told me she had the honor of reading my story at her A.A./N.A. group.She was a 42 yr. old divorced mother of two and she has had a problem with drugs and alcohol since her teens.Her name was Lise(the German spelling for Lisa)and her father was my former teacher,friend,father figure,and the most amazing man I've ever known-professor Thieben.She only told me her dad was Bill Thieben,I added the rest to tell you.
We began a correspondence sharing one another's stories about the paths we took in life.Even though Lise used alcohol and heroin,she never dipped into the criminal aspect(beyond using)because her father always financed her needs for money.He was afraid of saying "NO" to her requests for he was afraid to lose the relationship with his daughter.Lise made good money when she did work,but she chose not to more often than not.
I remember her first letter to me,stating,"if my father didn't think so highly of you I'd never write to a convicted murderer..."It only bothered me in the sense that this was the professor's daughter saying it and I wanted to feel human to any member of his family.
Our correspondence became a drug in itself where we both became addicted to one another's letters,where each awaited the mailman to give that letter with the familiar return address.On December 31,2004,while in New York(Patchogue) for the holidays she visited me and it was very special.
That visit also caused us to become closer where we shared our dreams,goals,aspirations,and desires which included the both of us together in Florida.It was truly a love story that tragically ended on January 11,2009,when Lise took her own life with sleeping pills.
She had just returned to Florida after the holidays in New York and when I called on January 5,she seemed distant.I knew her well enough to recognize these subtle changes and when I asked her she remained silent for a few moments adding to my beliefs that something was wrong.When she finally did speak she made me promise not to repeat what she said to her dad for he was afraid of the way I'd react so close to my parole hearing(it was in March of that year).
I assured Lise that I wouldn't tell her dad and she went on to tell me that an inmate in Wende Corr.Fac.(it was where I was at the time)wrote her a letter trying to woo her away from me.She made me promise her that I wouldn't react in any violent way b efore she told me his name and who had the audacity to write the woman I loved.
I found out this inmate was my neighbor and he was mistakenly given my mail(it's the only way he could had gotten her address).I went back to my cell and and through that quarter inch piece of steel that separated us,he sat.For a few hours I contemplated addressing him and of course when I finally did he denied it in a boisterous manner.I informed him that he should hold off on all his aggressions until our cell doors opened the following day.
I did not sleep that night,instead I broke a piece of metal off of my locker and all through the night I sharpened it to a sharp point.I ran so many scenarios through my head,but it was impossible not to be him for he sent her a picture as well.
All night I ran through my head the way I would approach this once our gates opened the next morning.There was no exact science to it for I'd just come out and start to stab him,but it wouldn't be the case for his bark was worse than his bite and he never came out.
For the next few days I called Lise I could tell this was wearing on her where she was now worried that another convict had her address.She let her mind wander to believing her children could be in danger and it wore on me because this guy was still my neighbor.
The ONLY way I could get you to envision it in your head is for you to imagine if someone harmed a member of your family and they continued to live across the street from you.Maybe you can'y envision it for you have a citizen's heart,but I was not going to allow this inmate to remain next to me.
He wouldn't come out of his cell and I was boiling with anger wanting to hurt him in the worst way!!The night of January 5,2009,I came out of my cell to call the professor and by this time I had told him I knew what happened for I was concerned for Lise.He brushed it off telling me that her mind wanders,but after I got off the phone I went in front of this guy's cell and said,"you really think you're going to remain next store to me?"I reached in my pocket and pulled out a razor blade and sliced my own face open!I screamed,"he cut me!The piece of shit cut!"I was taken to the outside hospital to have my face stitched up and he was taken to solitary confinement.
You couldn't understand my reasoning and I'm not sure I was able to reason while angry,but I could not let this man remain next to me.Lise took a handful of sleeping pills 6 days later and died.I believe this was the only woman I ever loved and though the professor never blamed me,I knew if she NEVER met me she'd more than likely be alive today.
I only told the professor what I did and I always wanted to tell someone else.I didn't exactly tell you because it was a violent incident,I wanted to tell you for someone else to know how beautiful,considerate,and loving Lise was.I've always enjoyed drawing and I would draw her and her children pictures all the time and it's as if my drawing ended with her death.It's as if no one else deserves a drawing.I can't really say I'm a religious man,but I'd never denounce religion.The best picture I ever drew was Jesus Christ and I'd always draw Jesus for it is a picture that most could relate to.I wanted to show you just two simple drawings,the one was for Jolie(Lise's 10 yr. old daughter)and it was a nameplate for her door with a rose and the other for my niece who liked Minnie Mouse at the time.I only met her through a picture for my sister didn'y feel comfortable having her children meet their uncle who is in prison.
Anger harbors within my heart.I do not release it and when I do I am persistent with it!What do I mean?In 2006,I was angry over a decision the prison administration made and I stopped eating for 33 days.Yes,the state got a court order to force feed me and they did,but that's not the issue.
I know I have a lot to offer in life(society)to others,but I don't feel I value my life anymore.I'm not afraid to die,I'm just afraid to fail at ending my life.I'm very rational Dr.Alia-Klein,I am not suicidal,but when you no longer have much in life to value,life does not seem as important any longer.It is as if I live now just to mark off another day,week,month,or year of imprisonment.
I've read 1000s of books in prison(sometimes 5 a week)and it's so ironic that the only book(I could Remember)I read in society was called "IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST"by Norman Mailer about Jack Henry Abbott who was my neighbor here in Clinton in 1987'He hung himself in Wende Corr.Fac> in March/2002.
I was in Kings Park Psychiatric Center 11 days before my crime and while there my mother wrote the director and pleaded,asking them not to release me because she fely"I'd kill myself or someone else".I was in this hospital after going into a bar in Sound Beach after having a fight.
The hospital released me to the care of my probation officer because I did not report to probation.I couldn't report because I was in a psychiatric hospital.That is crazy,but 11 days later I'm arrested for killing someone else as my mother feared.I pleaded guilty right away because my parents wanted it over with because my stepfather didn't want family matters drug out in the media.
In 1986,a lawyer sued the hospital for the adoptive parents of my victim,but I wouldn't cooperate with the lawyers for the parents didn't pay for his burial(my good friend Father Francis Pizzarelli paid for it)but they wanted to profit off of his death.My lawyer then sued and it was agreed that I'd receive treatment whenever I requested it.Prison doesn't offer such treatment for they are quick to medicate,but I'm not with the whole medication thing.
You should be in receipt of my previous two letters and I assure you of this Dr.Alia-Klein,I'm far from crazy.
Have you ever heard Sagamore Children's Center in Melville?My treatment coordinator there ended up becoming my girlfriend from 1982-1986 and in 1998 the Internal Affairs came to question me about it.Of course I denied it ,but she was fired 16 years after I left the hospital.It seems like I taint every relationship/relations I have with people.I believe that.
Until next time,take very good care.
James Morgan
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
February 27,2012
Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
Just as some may feel more comfortable reading a good book curled in front of a fireplace...I feel my thoughts flow freely when I write,as I would a personal letter as I now do.
Your compliments on how well I was able to express myself are appreciated,but for me it seems so simple when it is usually through a pen that my voice is heard.I also know that many are only familiar with certain things via hearsay.I want persons to clearly see what I write in their thoughts and imagination.
If you feel I am doing so now?You are probably right if it seems that I'm justifying MY violence.Sometimes I feel I must justify my actions just to humanize myself for I believe a lot of people stereotype violent people as being evil.I have done so myself and I'll explain in what way.
I know it is said we are born evil,but I think we're taught good/evil as we grow up.I know the Bible's teachings were good before I could even read because it is what I was told.If I was shown a picture of a tree and I was told this tree is good I'd have believed it just as I did when I saw a picture of Jesus Christ.
Well,my first brush with evil was as a child when I committed mischief.My stepfather would send me to my room to await a beating.I would lay in my bed beneathe a blanket covered head to toes.It was as if I believed the blanket was protection and to further this protection,every part of my body that I could cross?My fingers,toes,arms,and legs would all be crossed as I whimpered prayers praying that my stepfather would forget that I was to be beatened.
Most of the time he wouldn't forget and i'd be made to pull down my pants as I laid on my stomach awaiting his belt.It was never one or two strikes,it was always closer to double figures and this is how I grew up remembering the man I called daddy.
There was never a comfortable period around him for I always remained on my toes as if I walked on egg shells.I was always afraid that I would do something wrong and I'd feel his hand cracking me across the face or to the back of my head.I remembered mom always saying,"I told you not to hit him in the head",for she'd go on to say it was dangerous for a child to be hit on the head.
My mother was as many women of that era where the man was the head of the household and as long as he put food on the table,clothes on our backs,and a roof over our heads he was a good provider.My mother was a submissive and even though I know she didn't like to see me beat,she didn't stop it.
I know I always looked to be commended by my father.I wanted to be told,"good job son"or something of the sort,but I was never told I LOVE YOU by him.I am only able to remember his anger and meanness.Memories of my father are awful as most children's memories of the darkness and the boogie man.He was the face of evil than and even now in death.I feel a happiness that he is gone,but I also feel incomplete because other family members still don't recognize that he was an evil bastard.
I ruined ALL family relations with the hatred I harbor for him because they look to cover ugliness with a pretty picture.I don't mind the pretty picture,but let me bring to light the ugliness.
Materialistic items I never was in want for my father supplied this.He owned his own business in Rocky Point and my family still owns stores and properties there.
I feel I am just like my father and it began when I was a child.Wanting to be approved by him all the time.I tried to live like him.I was always the aggressor within any click I was apart of and if I couldn't be,I'd either find another click or I ruled the other timid ones that I could.
Difficult situations were always met with aggression.NEVER in my life did I harm a woman or child and I know this wasn't accepted as a man.My father never told me that,but he'd never raise a hand to my mother or sister(that I could see).I believe I did learn violence via my father!Someone and something I hated so much has passed his ugly traits down upon me and it has ruled me for most of my life.
It seems that I meet violence with a one tract mind and that is to harm as much as possible to get the upperhand in the situation.I didn't have an upperhand with my father,but in most other situations I do.
The sad thing about it is that even in most situations when I could walk away and go on I need to leave a mark.I need to strike out marking that situation by instilling fear through physical harm.I could have walked away back in 1983,but I felt I had to ruin what my victim began.Instead of just packing up my belongings and leaving,I packed up my belongings and lit the house on fire.If I believed the challenge was to great,I'd find an equalizer whether it was a weapon or something such as I did with that fire.If I didn't respond I felt as if I was walking away with a tail between my legs as a dog would.
Looking back at it now I knew I didn't have friends,voluntarily!Most of my childhood and teens were spent punished in my room so if friends came over they could only stay until I heard my father's truck pulling up.Other times I'd lure these friends to my house with the promise of drugs that I'd steal from my father(he always had quanities of marijuana and cocaine in his room).I also picked weak friends that I could dominate with fear to mold them as I wanted.
I know there is so much more to what I am made up of,but I know I had no social childhood because I spent most of that in my room punished.I was only allowed out for the bathroom,to eat,or school.Its kind as if it was all preparation for my imprisonment.
A lot of professionals would had and have said that my childhood troubles were my way of rebelling against my father.I don't believe this and even if I knew a beating came via my troubles I must have thought I'd get away with what I did wrong.No parent would ever admit such,but I have 3 brothers and 1 sister and they were never treated as I was.
In such a short period in society I must had been a gray smudge to so many.Rocky Point isn't that big of a town,but it's big enough to where you don't wear your welcome out in every part.If it had corners I could say I did wear out my welcome in all 4 corners and the in between.If I left ugliness around Broadway I'd move on to around Hallock Landing Rd.and that area to The Tides,Sound Beach,etc..
I know you have your own line of questioning and a lot of them may not focus on what I write?I just wanted to give you a brief outline on my growing up.It is only brief,but I really didn't have much of a childhood for I was punished much of it.
My crime didn't have to happen and though many don't know this?I did not intend to kill anyone on November 20,1983.
I'm really not a religious man,but I believe in GOD and I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for all the wrongs I didn't get caught for.
It's easier to be seen as a killer in here,but in my heart I know what is real.I'll explain it to you one day,but the ugliest in here have the most respect,but we also serve the most time.
Sincerely,
James Morgan
.
I know it is said we are born evil,but I think we're taught good/evil as we grow up.I know the Bible's teachings were good before I could even read because it is what I was told.If I was shown a picture of a tree and I was told this tree is good I'd have believed it just as I did when I saw a picture of Jesus Christ.
Well,my first brush with evil was as a child when I committed mischief.My stepfather would send me to my room to await a beating.I would lay in my bed beneathe a blanket covered head to toes.It was as if I believed the blanket was protection and to further this protection,every part of my body that I could cross?My fingers,toes,arms,and legs would all be crossed as I whimpered prayers praying that my stepfather would forget that I was to be beatened.
Most of the time he wouldn't forget and i'd be made to pull down my pants as I laid on my stomach awaiting his belt.It was never one or two strikes,it was always closer to double figures and this is how I grew up remembering the man I called daddy.
There was never a comfortable period around him for I always remained on my toes as if I walked on egg shells.I was always afraid that I would do something wrong and I'd feel his hand cracking me across the face or to the back of my head.I remembered mom always saying,"I told you not to hit him in the head",for she'd go on to say it was dangerous for a child to be hit on the head.
My mother was as many women of that era where the man was the head of the household and as long as he put food on the table,clothes on our backs,and a roof over our heads he was a good provider.My mother was a submissive and even though I know she didn't like to see me beat,she didn't stop it.
I know I always looked to be commended by my father.I wanted to be told,"good job son"or something of the sort,but I was never told I LOVE YOU by him.I am only able to remember his anger and meanness.Memories of my father are awful as most children's memories of the darkness and the boogie man.He was the face of evil than and even now in death.I feel a happiness that he is gone,but I also feel incomplete because other family members still don't recognize that he was an evil bastard.
I ruined ALL family relations with the hatred I harbor for him because they look to cover ugliness with a pretty picture.I don't mind the pretty picture,but let me bring to light the ugliness.
Materialistic items I never was in want for my father supplied this.He owned his own business in Rocky Point and my family still owns stores and properties there.
I feel I am just like my father and it began when I was a child.Wanting to be approved by him all the time.I tried to live like him.I was always the aggressor within any click I was apart of and if I couldn't be,I'd either find another click or I ruled the other timid ones that I could.
Difficult situations were always met with aggression.NEVER in my life did I harm a woman or child and I know this wasn't accepted as a man.My father never told me that,but he'd never raise a hand to my mother or sister(that I could see).I believe I did learn violence via my father!Someone and something I hated so much has passed his ugly traits down upon me and it has ruled me for most of my life.
It seems that I meet violence with a one tract mind and that is to harm as much as possible to get the upperhand in the situation.I didn't have an upperhand with my father,but in most other situations I do.
The sad thing about it is that even in most situations when I could walk away and go on I need to leave a mark.I need to strike out marking that situation by instilling fear through physical harm.I could have walked away back in 1983,but I felt I had to ruin what my victim began.Instead of just packing up my belongings and leaving,I packed up my belongings and lit the house on fire.If I believed the challenge was to great,I'd find an equalizer whether it was a weapon or something such as I did with that fire.If I didn't respond I felt as if I was walking away with a tail between my legs as a dog would.
Looking back at it now I knew I didn't have friends,voluntarily!Most of my childhood and teens were spent punished in my room so if friends came over they could only stay until I heard my father's truck pulling up.Other times I'd lure these friends to my house with the promise of drugs that I'd steal from my father(he always had quanities of marijuana and cocaine in his room).I also picked weak friends that I could dominate with fear to mold them as I wanted.
I know there is so much more to what I am made up of,but I know I had no social childhood because I spent most of that in my room punished.I was only allowed out for the bathroom,to eat,or school.Its kind as if it was all preparation for my imprisonment.
A lot of professionals would had and have said that my childhood troubles were my way of rebelling against my father.I don't believe this and even if I knew a beating came via my troubles I must have thought I'd get away with what I did wrong.No parent would ever admit such,but I have 3 brothers and 1 sister and they were never treated as I was.
In such a short period in society I must had been a gray smudge to so many.Rocky Point isn't that big of a town,but it's big enough to where you don't wear your welcome out in every part.If it had corners I could say I did wear out my welcome in all 4 corners and the in between.If I left ugliness around Broadway I'd move on to around Hallock Landing Rd.and that area to The Tides,Sound Beach,etc..
I know you have your own line of questioning and a lot of them may not focus on what I write?I just wanted to give you a brief outline on my growing up.It is only brief,but I really didn't have much of a childhood for I was punished much of it.
My crime didn't have to happen and though many don't know this?I did not intend to kill anyone on November 20,1983.
I'm really not a religious man,but I believe in GOD and I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for all the wrongs I didn't get caught for.
It's easier to be seen as a killer in here,but in my heart I know what is real.I'll explain it to you one day,but the ugliest in here have the most respect,but we also serve the most time.
Sincerely,
James Morgan
.
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