March 14,2012

Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
                                For some reason I received your March 9th letter before your March 8th letter.Thank you for your birthday wishes and fortunately,I have never felt older then the age I was arrested at.Of course,my black hair is starting to get many strands of gray,but it is not necessarily from age-stress may play a part of it.
                                I think as I have come to be a part of prison and learned all the hustles and games that people play,I easily feel as if I'm always on EDGE.Most call it patience,but I think it's far more than that.I just feel so sick and tired of being within a world where every bit of relations has to do with each acting as if they are a leech.
                                 I suppose my agitation(s) grow to anger for my arrogance escalates the situation where the other party feels challenged in some way.I understand that there is always the possibility of this,but I accept this rather then having to hear someone elses B.S.!You really have no idea and the sad thing is that I know as soon as they open their mouths,the B.S. begins.
                                  I know I'm not invincible,but when a situation becomes heated I do not back down from it even when I am at a disadvantage I will take it to the extreme level.I just feel I want to ruin that person as much as I possibly can.I know only so much damage can be meted out with my bare hands so usually when I get into an argument and I know I'm coming out the next day to confront the situation-I will have something in my hands that gives me the upperhand.
                                  I feel that the more damage I cause the better of an example I'm setting.Consequences aren't thought about in those moments.My anger over-rides any logical thought and it's sad for most of the time it isn't that serious.When I bring reason to the situation,this is when my anger boils to where the other person backs down or we will meet the next day.Point blank?I'm not in a fucking Boy Scout camp here!
                                   In early February an incident like this took place.I was trying to get something from another inmate in another part of the cell block.When I asked the inmate porter if he could go get it(his job is outside the cells so he is the person we ask to do favors for us when we are locked in our cells)he gave me a story that the officers were watching.This is sometimes the case but a lot of times the inmate porters use that as an excuse so they don't have to do anything.
                                    Knowing this,I grew angry and went ALL out in calling the porter a "house nigger"!That term isn't a racist term,but it is the worst thing you could call a black person(especially in prison).I knew this and knew that there'd be a confrontation behind my statement.I wanted him to feel disrespected and I am aware of these things before I say them,but my anger does not allow me to care or worry about the consequences.
                                     The next day in the yard(on February 5,2012)I reached in the weight box and grabbed 3-10 pound plates and tried to hit the inmate with them.At the time I wanted to damage as much as I possibly could.There was no reasoning and it did not matter who was there.I was blinded in a tunnel and my vision only included my target of my anger.
                                     Fortunately this inmate was agile and from a few feet away he was able to duck out of the way of a 10 pound weight flyimg at him.I was fortunate that no weights hit him and furthermore,the officer that witnessed the incident was my old boss and he did not issue any misbehavior reports.
                                     I don't know if it's a higher power or what,but I haven't had a misbehavior report for any violence of any kind since 1990!Once you get my medical records you'll wonder how this is possible fot throughout the years since then In have had to go nto the hospital tom get stitches or other wounds taken care of.On May 1,2006,the orbital bone around my right eye was broken.I went to the outside hospital and the only reason the surgeon decided not to do surgery was so no scars were left on my face.It isn't apparent by the naked eye but you could feel the bones around my eye feels like a mountain range.You could feel it when we meet.
                                      This was when I went on the hunger strike,they tried putting me in administrative segregation in solitary confinement.I wouldn't tell them who hit me in the face with a pipe.Yes,I was struck in the face with a pipe that felt like a hammer.
                                       When I get angry it is like that tunnel and the only thing in view is the target of my anger.I'm sorry this is so sloppy!When I begin writing I just quickly let it flow.
                                        I don't have any thoughts when I am angry except to harm and destroy.I know there were instances like this in society,but nothing like in prison.I hope it is prison that entices my anger as it seems to be so frequent and its not something I look to have in society.I do not believe I will for in society I could walk away from situations whereas in prison you can't walk far enough away.I'm really not sure about the rage part.
                                        It's a good question that you asked about why I felt I was the target of my father's abuses?I could never figure it out,but I truly believe it's because I was the youngest of my mother's children and then my stepfather had a child with my mother and my brother(Paul)was now the youngest.It's a crazy hypothesis,but I can't think of any other reason why?I remember one time when he was beating me and throwing me around like a rag doll,I pleaded<"dad,please stop!"He said,"I'm not your father!"I never forgot this statement and whenever I use to tell my family they never responded.It's either they did not have an answer or they didn't feel my pain or they didn't want to rock the boat.
                                        How am I doing now?I don't want you to feel that I seek your help with my case,but I was railroaded and it affects me daily which is why Could never respect a fucking pig or any other member of this fucking justice system.The way my crime is explained isn't how it occurred and this was admitted,but I was told I should have raised the issue at sentencing or on appeal.So,my crime was taken from it being a horrific mistake by a teenage boy to me being seen as Hitler putting someone in an oven(so to speak).I've argued this for the past 13 years to no avail.I've asked people to help pay for lawyers and they did,but it's been to no avail.I deserve to be punished,but not for this long or for what they say.
                                        My feelings?I'm not sure I should tell you what my feelings for my lawyer is for he had to know about this report and he didn't say anything.While he sits at home with his wife & children I occupy a prison cell.I lose some sanity each and every day while I lose more of my freedom to never have that American dream with the white picket fence,children,or a young blossoming beauty.Don't ask me how I feel for you really don't want to hear my answers.
                                         When I learned about it and brought it to his attention in 1999,he said parole isn't interested in what I did to get to prison,they are concerned with what I've done in prison.Thats funny because I'm in prison for my crime and the first thing I'm always denied for is my crime.
                                           Ask prof.Thieben some of the things I wrote about that lawyer.I may never get out of prison if they were known.That lawyer told me in 2005,that his partners were close to contacting parole because I was harassing him.I fell back and I let my feelings simmer in my own heart.It hurts to think of it.
                                            Let me explain?The document says,"I lit the fire at the base of my victim's door and blocked his escape,"but really I lit the fire in my own room and immediately left the house before seeing it burn anything else.I have my minutes,arrest report,and many other documents that support it,but since I didn't raise the issue at sentencing or on appeal I can't do anything about it.
                                            Remember what I said about not wanting to know answers to some questions?Why wouldn't prof.Thiebe and it is so easily brought to the surfacen,David & Linda,Or Father Frank help me with this issue?They have the money,I do not have a pot to piss in.I struggle to buy a bar of soap in commissary.Sure,they send money and packages here and there,but nothing to address this issue.They know about it in detail and I know they are not obligated to do anything and I'm not going to ask them.It burns me up.
                                             I write to the people I just mentioned above.I have placed ads over the years and met some good people.I was married via an ad and though we are no longer together,I'm still married.She is back in California.I do look to do another ad soon when I scrape up the funds.
                                             You see,I could only write certain things with who I do write.If I write prof.Thieben 10 pages,he is like you,he'll answer it with a page even after 30 years of writing.I wasn't just suggesting anything by my statement about you.You and I do not have the same relationship as I do with the others.I call them most and then there is the letter writing.I write and call and they answer my calls and send cards at Christmas & on birthdays.Mr.Thieben is the one that writes,but he only touches the surface in his letters.
                                              Do I read?I've read 1000s of and feel sorry for those that can't read.I love to read and the only thing I won't read is science fiction & romance novels.Because I have a t.v. in my cell I don't do as much reading as I should.I find it ironic,but I watch NOVA every Wednesday night onPBS and also Frontline.I enjoy informative programs such as 60 minutes,Dateline,20/20,etc..I hate reality shows and I'd be satisfied with just one channel if it could be HISTORY channel'
                                              Am I generally happy,sad,angry,or any other emotions?All of them,but I'm a big believer in this.I could be happy or sad and the one that feels better is Happiness!Neither makes my time go any quicker,but one feels better then the other.Anger is always beneath any feelings I do have I do have and it is easily brought to the surface'
                                               I'd feel much more at peace if I could be placed in a cell with 4 walls and no contact with others.I truly would want this.
                                               I've never been one that could be told anything.A lot of inmates boast and exaggeratye and if they are talking to me I let them know if I think they are full of shit.I was a punk 18 year old when I was arrested with nothing and I'll let it be known.Here you have crackheads trying to be something they aren't and never will be.I respect TRUTH and if you can't be truthful,then I really have no use for those around me.
                                                Yes,I'm well known because of the time I have in and because others know I don't bite my tongue with the officers as well.
                                                 Because of that incident in the yard I didn't get written up but I am on the burn.I've been locked in my cell since then,but I have no record of it and I'll be in my cell until the officers feel they want me to come out.NO this doesn't effect when you come up.
                                                 I really don't know exactly what you want to know via letters so it is good that you ask questions.If I don't answer them deep enough for you,please tell me Dr.Alia-Klein.Don't worry,I won't be offended.
                                                 I don't feel pain during bouts of anger.I'm not sure I feel anything,but I wonder if aggression an anger was used in society to make things as I wanted them to be?I don't know.I know a psychologist in Auburn Corr.Fac. said I do things to the extreme and he asked that I don't cut myself so deep.I told him when I cut myself I want to go as deep as I could to reach a vein.but I never do.
                                                 In Sing Sing Corr.Fac. back in 1998,I destroyed 4 or 5 cells and a hospital room in a months time.When I broke the sinks and toilets I used the porcelain to cut myself with.Each and everytime I received stitches.I don't scratch myself,I cut deep because I am looking to end it all!
                                                  Dr.Alia-Klein,I don't want to be defined by my anger,as a murderer,or a convict.I know I could be a productive member of society one day.I would had loved to have children,but I'm not sure that's a reality any longer.I wouldn't want to be in my 60s when my child is in school.I have a lot of love in my heart to shower upon people.You are getting the ugly part of my life because this is what it seems my life has(only)been.
                                                   Well,I'll close for now and until next time,take very good care.
                                                                                                                                         James