Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
Just as some may feel more comfortable reading a good book curled in front of a fireplace...I feel my thoughts flow freely when I write,as I would a personal letter as I now do.
Your compliments on how well I was able to express myself are appreciated,but for me it seems so simple when it is usually through a pen that my voice is heard.I also know that many are only familiar with certain things via hearsay.I want persons to clearly see what I write in their thoughts and imagination.
If you feel I am doing so now?You are probably right if it seems that I'm justifying MY violence.Sometimes I feel I must justify my actions just to humanize myself for I believe a lot of people stereotype violent people as being evil.I have done so myself and I'll explain in what way.
I know it is said we are born evil,but I think we're taught good/evil as we grow up.I know the Bible's teachings were good before I could even read because it is what I was told.If I was shown a picture of a tree and I was told this tree is good I'd have believed it just as I did when I saw a picture of Jesus Christ.
Well,my first brush with evil was as a child when I committed mischief.My stepfather would send me to my room to await a beating.I would lay in my bed beneathe a blanket covered head to toes.It was as if I believed the blanket was protection and to further this protection,every part of my body that I could cross?My fingers,toes,arms,and legs would all be crossed as I whimpered prayers praying that my stepfather would forget that I was to be beatened.
Most of the time he wouldn't forget and i'd be made to pull down my pants as I laid on my stomach awaiting his belt.It was never one or two strikes,it was always closer to double figures and this is how I grew up remembering the man I called daddy.
There was never a comfortable period around him for I always remained on my toes as if I walked on egg shells.I was always afraid that I would do something wrong and I'd feel his hand cracking me across the face or to the back of my head.I remembered mom always saying,"I told you not to hit him in the head",for she'd go on to say it was dangerous for a child to be hit on the head.
My mother was as many women of that era where the man was the head of the household and as long as he put food on the table,clothes on our backs,and a roof over our heads he was a good provider.My mother was a submissive and even though I know she didn't like to see me beat,she didn't stop it.
I know I always looked to be commended by my father.I wanted to be told,"good job son"or something of the sort,but I was never told I LOVE YOU by him.I am only able to remember his anger and meanness.Memories of my father are awful as most children's memories of the darkness and the boogie man.He was the face of evil than and even now in death.I feel a happiness that he is gone,but I also feel incomplete because other family members still don't recognize that he was an evil bastard.
I ruined ALL family relations with the hatred I harbor for him because they look to cover ugliness with a pretty picture.I don't mind the pretty picture,but let me bring to light the ugliness.
Materialistic items I never was in want for my father supplied this.He owned his own business in Rocky Point and my family still owns stores and properties there.
I feel I am just like my father and it began when I was a child.Wanting to be approved by him all the time.I tried to live like him.I was always the aggressor within any click I was apart of and if I couldn't be,I'd either find another click or I ruled the other timid ones that I could.
Difficult situations were always met with aggression.NEVER in my life did I harm a woman or child and I know this wasn't accepted as a man.My father never told me that,but he'd never raise a hand to my mother or sister(that I could see).I believe I did learn violence via my father!Someone and something I hated so much has passed his ugly traits down upon me and it has ruled me for most of my life.
It seems that I meet violence with a one tract mind and that is to harm as much as possible to get the upperhand in the situation.I didn't have an upperhand with my father,but in most other situations I do.
The sad thing about it is that even in most situations when I could walk away and go on I need to leave a mark.I need to strike out marking that situation by instilling fear through physical harm.I could have walked away back in 1983,but I felt I had to ruin what my victim began.Instead of just packing up my belongings and leaving,I packed up my belongings and lit the house on fire.If I believed the challenge was to great,I'd find an equalizer whether it was a weapon or something such as I did with that fire.If I didn't respond I felt as if I was walking away with a tail between my legs as a dog would.
Looking back at it now I knew I didn't have friends,voluntarily!Most of my childhood and teens were spent punished in my room so if friends came over they could only stay until I heard my father's truck pulling up.Other times I'd lure these friends to my house with the promise of drugs that I'd steal from my father(he always had quanities of marijuana and cocaine in his room).I also picked weak friends that I could dominate with fear to mold them as I wanted.
I know there is so much more to what I am made up of,but I know I had no social childhood because I spent most of that in my room punished.I was only allowed out for the bathroom,to eat,or school.Its kind as if it was all preparation for my imprisonment.
A lot of professionals would had and have said that my childhood troubles were my way of rebelling against my father.I don't believe this and even if I knew a beating came via my troubles I must have thought I'd get away with what I did wrong.No parent would ever admit such,but I have 3 brothers and 1 sister and they were never treated as I was.
In such a short period in society I must had been a gray smudge to so many.Rocky Point isn't that big of a town,but it's big enough to where you don't wear your welcome out in every part.If it had corners I could say I did wear out my welcome in all 4 corners and the in between.If I left ugliness around Broadway I'd move on to around Hallock Landing Rd.and that area to The Tides,Sound Beach,etc..
I know you have your own line of questioning and a lot of them may not focus on what I write?I just wanted to give you a brief outline on my growing up.It is only brief,but I really didn't have much of a childhood for I was punished much of it.
My crime didn't have to happen and though many don't know this?I did not intend to kill anyone on November 20,1983.
I'm really not a religious man,but I believe in GOD and I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for all the wrongs I didn't get caught for.
It's easier to be seen as a killer in here,but in my heart I know what is real.I'll explain it to you one day,but the ugliest in here have the most respect,but we also serve the most time.
Sincerely,
James Morgan
.
I know it is said we are born evil,but I think we're taught good/evil as we grow up.I know the Bible's teachings were good before I could even read because it is what I was told.If I was shown a picture of a tree and I was told this tree is good I'd have believed it just as I did when I saw a picture of Jesus Christ.
Well,my first brush with evil was as a child when I committed mischief.My stepfather would send me to my room to await a beating.I would lay in my bed beneathe a blanket covered head to toes.It was as if I believed the blanket was protection and to further this protection,every part of my body that I could cross?My fingers,toes,arms,and legs would all be crossed as I whimpered prayers praying that my stepfather would forget that I was to be beatened.
Most of the time he wouldn't forget and i'd be made to pull down my pants as I laid on my stomach awaiting his belt.It was never one or two strikes,it was always closer to double figures and this is how I grew up remembering the man I called daddy.
There was never a comfortable period around him for I always remained on my toes as if I walked on egg shells.I was always afraid that I would do something wrong and I'd feel his hand cracking me across the face or to the back of my head.I remembered mom always saying,"I told you not to hit him in the head",for she'd go on to say it was dangerous for a child to be hit on the head.
My mother was as many women of that era where the man was the head of the household and as long as he put food on the table,clothes on our backs,and a roof over our heads he was a good provider.My mother was a submissive and even though I know she didn't like to see me beat,she didn't stop it.
I know I always looked to be commended by my father.I wanted to be told,"good job son"or something of the sort,but I was never told I LOVE YOU by him.I am only able to remember his anger and meanness.Memories of my father are awful as most children's memories of the darkness and the boogie man.He was the face of evil than and even now in death.I feel a happiness that he is gone,but I also feel incomplete because other family members still don't recognize that he was an evil bastard.
I ruined ALL family relations with the hatred I harbor for him because they look to cover ugliness with a pretty picture.I don't mind the pretty picture,but let me bring to light the ugliness.
Materialistic items I never was in want for my father supplied this.He owned his own business in Rocky Point and my family still owns stores and properties there.
I feel I am just like my father and it began when I was a child.Wanting to be approved by him all the time.I tried to live like him.I was always the aggressor within any click I was apart of and if I couldn't be,I'd either find another click or I ruled the other timid ones that I could.
Difficult situations were always met with aggression.NEVER in my life did I harm a woman or child and I know this wasn't accepted as a man.My father never told me that,but he'd never raise a hand to my mother or sister(that I could see).I believe I did learn violence via my father!Someone and something I hated so much has passed his ugly traits down upon me and it has ruled me for most of my life.
It seems that I meet violence with a one tract mind and that is to harm as much as possible to get the upperhand in the situation.I didn't have an upperhand with my father,but in most other situations I do.
The sad thing about it is that even in most situations when I could walk away and go on I need to leave a mark.I need to strike out marking that situation by instilling fear through physical harm.I could have walked away back in 1983,but I felt I had to ruin what my victim began.Instead of just packing up my belongings and leaving,I packed up my belongings and lit the house on fire.If I believed the challenge was to great,I'd find an equalizer whether it was a weapon or something such as I did with that fire.If I didn't respond I felt as if I was walking away with a tail between my legs as a dog would.
Looking back at it now I knew I didn't have friends,voluntarily!Most of my childhood and teens were spent punished in my room so if friends came over they could only stay until I heard my father's truck pulling up.Other times I'd lure these friends to my house with the promise of drugs that I'd steal from my father(he always had quanities of marijuana and cocaine in his room).I also picked weak friends that I could dominate with fear to mold them as I wanted.
I know there is so much more to what I am made up of,but I know I had no social childhood because I spent most of that in my room punished.I was only allowed out for the bathroom,to eat,or school.Its kind as if it was all preparation for my imprisonment.
A lot of professionals would had and have said that my childhood troubles were my way of rebelling against my father.I don't believe this and even if I knew a beating came via my troubles I must have thought I'd get away with what I did wrong.No parent would ever admit such,but I have 3 brothers and 1 sister and they were never treated as I was.
In such a short period in society I must had been a gray smudge to so many.Rocky Point isn't that big of a town,but it's big enough to where you don't wear your welcome out in every part.If it had corners I could say I did wear out my welcome in all 4 corners and the in between.If I left ugliness around Broadway I'd move on to around Hallock Landing Rd.and that area to The Tides,Sound Beach,etc..
I know you have your own line of questioning and a lot of them may not focus on what I write?I just wanted to give you a brief outline on my growing up.It is only brief,but I really didn't have much of a childhood for I was punished much of it.
My crime didn't have to happen and though many don't know this?I did not intend to kill anyone on November 20,1983.
I'm really not a religious man,but I believe in GOD and I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for all the wrongs I didn't get caught for.
It's easier to be seen as a killer in here,but in my heart I know what is real.I'll explain it to you one day,but the ugliest in here have the most respect,but we also serve the most time.
Sincerely,
James Morgan
.
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