Dear Dr.Alia-Klein:
Believe me,if I had an idea on how to put it together I'd write a book,but this amount of writing isn't unusual for me.
In your first letter you had said,"You'd do all you can to help me,but you can't promise anything."Maybe they were not your exact words,but the last three are.I declined,but I am curious to know what type of help did you mean?I think it's obvious that one of my defaults is my history of violence,but I wouldn't want to seem as a fool as well if I wasn't to ask.
I also wanted to mention one other thing about the altercation from last month?That is something I could had easily been taken to solitary confinement for without any doubt.I tell that officer whenever I see him that I truly appreciate the way he handled it.If you think about it,if his actions were known he could be disciplined and if you do ask about this I wouldn't want it to be in a way that one could easily put it together.This isn't necessarily to protect the officer for it's too late for them to discipline me for that,but people are set-up in here every day and it's a convict's word against an officers(you know who'd win that most of the time).
I do some of my best thinking late into the night when my head is on the pillow and that's what I was thinking.
When I was 16 and upon that path of destruction I tried to enlist in the Army.I took the test at the recruiting office in Riverhead and missed by 1 point.I had to get a certain score because I didn't have a high school diploma.Then when I went to live with my mother's sister in West Virginia,I couldn't enlist because I didn't yet have a social security number.That is how close I was to possibly having a different life.
I'll tell you as I've told anyone that has gotten to know me!On November 20,1983,there was no intentions in my heart to harm anyone.When I lit that fire the thought within my head was,"okay,you damaged my door,I'll show you how much damage I could do!"With the erroneous information in that report,it's difficult for me to get the parole commissioners to agree with me when they have that report.When I bring my documents from the proceedings they tell me this isn't the place to try my case.This last parole hearing the commissioner may have made a mistake on his part stating,"we realize there are discrepancies in the record."Well,if that's the case a parole decision shouldn't be rendered upon false information.It seems simple,but it never is within the courts
At times I do become bitter and angry,but then I think of those who have it tougher then me in life in general.It does not always make it easier at that particular time,but I must hold on to something.
I think as I grow older it will be more difficult to achieve happiness and success.Just as a woman has a biological clock to bear children,I think there is some type of clock for an ex-con to achieve things in life.Besides being an ex-con,explainging the change there comes an age where you won't do anything,but rent,have no children and being "SIMPLE" is good-except being old and simple?Well,again,that is where I find the HOPE in the depth of my heart.
I said it many times and I'll say it now,at 18 if I knew I'd still be here today?I wouldn't have come this far.It is a shame when you live for 47 years and you have nothing to show for it.
Everyone views their place in life differently.Some have a house,a husband/wife,children,a great job,but they're not happy.I don't care about wealth because that doesn't make you happy.Are you happy?I mean truly happy?If you could change something in your life,what would it be?
I know you're the one who is suppose to ask the questions,but I do not know whats expected of me beyond answering your questions in regards to your research.
One time when I was in the 8th or 9th grade I was feeling alittle sluggish at the bus stop and I turned around and went home.My parents had already left for work and only my little brother was still home waiting for his time to leave for school.
When the phone rang I don't know why I was so stupid to answer it and when my father(on the other end)said,"Paul?"I said "No this is James."He asked why I was home and I told him that while stamding at the bus stop a plow came by and hit me with sand that was being put on the snowy roads.
My father called the town and they assured him that they had no plows in that area.My father rushed home,told me to get my shit and he took me to the high school.Before I got out he backhanded me in the face and blood started flowing from my nose.He didn't miss a beat,he escorted me to the office and told the secretaries,"He is now in school!"I stood there with my nose bleeding,my shirt all bloodied,and the other students walking in & out.
Today he'd probably be arrested for abuse,but then it was a crushing embarrassment to me.I feared my stepfather with any approach whether it was coming to the supper table to passing by him in a room.I hated when he was home and always felt an uneasy feeling.
It was a different era,but even today some women are so submissive to their husbands that they will choose their husbands over their own children.I brought this to my mother's attention and I told her how weak she was.I told her she chose a man over her own child because he was the one who provided her with security.I told her that if vI knew I'd get away with it I'd kill him.I wanted her to know what I really felt and though this NEVER happened,I told her if she even thought of showing the letter to the Division of Parole I'd all of a sudden remember that he molested me.I told her it probably wouldn't go far,but he'd have to answer to it and I'd be sure to send a letter to everyone of their neighbors!
Do you know how you're able to tell when someone has a false smile on their face?My mother always had this vwhen she'd visit as she told me I left you monet & a package-daddy gave me the money for it.
I've never been a parent Dr.Alia-Klein,but I know my stepfather was not a good parent!I think my mother knew as well,but her security was important to her as well so she'd paint a pretty picture hoping I was buying into it.My mother was a caring & loving woman to us kids.I always ran and jumped into her arms when she came home from work feeling the comfort as she pulled me close.
I had a feeling our relationship would be ruined by that letter I wrote her in July/2003,but I felt it was more important for me to let her know what I thought of her husband.That is what I allow anger to do to me!That is exactly it.At times I know the consequences will be ugly,but I go ahead and continue just to make a point.
I didn't choose security and I knew I'd be losing 98% of my support.Yes,I went to commissary every 2 weeks with an average of $50.00 and received a 35 pound food package every month.I now go to commissary with $4.50 every 2 weeks,but I knew this would happen.
I haven't spoken to my mother in close to 9 years and every bit of time that passes love diminishes.When I think of the comfort of being held in her arms,anger rises because she sided with a man who beat me,punished me,and ruined my life.My father didn't murder my victim,but I wouldn't be where I am today if he had been a loving father.
My father ruined every relationship I had with my siblings because I could not sit and listen to them speak about him for I needed to voice my thoughts.My brother Kenny chose to live with our real father when he was 9 or 10.My mother gave him and my other older brother that choice and he was the only one who chose our real father.With Kenny's decision he became estranged to us because my stepfather treated him as an enemy to the family.I was never close to him because I didn't know him.
I do not believe a parent should ever be accepted by a child if they try to enter their life after 40 plus years.My sister welcomed our real father with open arms and she is now daddy's little girl.I can't forget the 40 plus years that he never tried to see me and it isn't all right for him to now try.
Is it proper for me to call you Dr.Klein or must I put Alia-Klein.Is Alia Latin or Middle Eastern?I'd say Italian,but I believe that is Latin.I feel as if your letters are a catharsis,but nothing I write is anything new.I haven't done so in a while,but when I put personal ads in the papers I'd always end up writing as I do now just so people truly know me.
Do you know what I fear?I have voiced as much to them as well,but I'm afraid to be alone in here and I know the four people I write are between the ages of 60-80.I recently asked Mr.Thieben to place a personal ad for me on the computer so I'll see what happens.I'd rather write someone locally in the area I grew up,but they don't have avenues for me to meet people down there.Down?I am way the fuck up North.
Did Mr.Thieben give you anything that I've written him throughout the years?If you think I write you a lot,imagine all that I've written him in close to 29 years.He told me he has files full in his office and I know his daughter(Lise)read a lot of them.
Okay,I will close and until the next time,take very good care ofb yourself.
Sincerely,
James
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