Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
After the interview you may miss these long letters and I suppose I should be grateful for the catharsis.I'm not sure I'm renewing anything for sitting in a 9'x6' space for so many years tends to have one reliving their life over and over.In other words,it could be the most minute memory---if it is somewhere in my brain it will be found and relived,rethought as i wonder if I could had done it differently.A memory from 10 years ago may be found again and I don't have to ask why this particular one is so important for I tend to believe as long as I could think?Everything is of importance.
My fears in life have always been an empty soul without HOPE and being alone.It seems as I go on in life I have lost so many and it's guaranteed to bring more loss.
I have known Mr.Thieben for over 30 years,but can't bring myself to call him anything other than Mr.Thieben or Mr.T.!I believe it is the high esteem I hold for him and how much I admire him.Calling him Bill just seems as if he is an average man and I feel I must view him as so much more.It has to do with what it is to one in prison and the value of a friend.
Some live an entire life without a TRUE friend.Until I began writing Mr.Thieben I'm not sure I had a friend.I know I could talk to him about anything,but not something as simple as if you know LIES are a part of my documents,why wouldn't you help me?He knows so many people,but I think this?
He believes that all good surfaces in life.In other words,he believes at every parole hearing I'll be released.It truly scares me because I'm afraid to lose him(he isn't young)and wiyhout him I am basically alone.When I try to point this out he usually will have none of it thinking he'll be around forever.
I'm an opportunist!!Yes,I will pick up any newspaper and before I reach the end I will find someone to write.One never knows what will come from my letter to them.Sometimes there won't be a response and sometimes there is.
Look at my writing to you?It so happens that violence has been a large and ugly part of my life.I didn't know if you'd respond to my letter,but I wrote for I didn't know what may come from it.
I once asked Mr.T.,why would women want to write a man in prison?I know we're not ALL evil and many won't remain in that rut of criminal activity,but there are so many men in society for women to communicate with.I'd think that's a no brainer and he spoke about the genuine persons in this world,people that care,nonjudgmental,etc..There is also a sad side for women with low self-esteem,lacking confidence,etc. will write as well.
I guess you could say that I prey upon these opportunities and I'll reveal my ugliest side or personalities just so I don't have to be alone.Sure,I want to help with your research even if I'm just exhibit "Y" to get to the root of violence,but I dream much bigger.What if I am on an episode of NOVA and someone who is watching writes to me behind it?I didn't know anything about NOVA,but I am led to dream these dreams for I must find HOPE to grasp on to in order for me to meet tomorrow.Each night that I lay my head on my pillow I wish for a few things.
Wouldn't it be great when I fall asleep if I could stay asleep and not awaken because I have no one or nothing to awaken to?Wouldn't it be great if I met someone in life that is the flip-side of that?Someone worth wanting to wake up for like Lise?No,it doesn't have to be a woman for a friend could be any sex,but I want someone of substance.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me for there are others who do have it worse then I.I just look for that person where learning could be met on both sides.It seems so simple,but in my position there are so many obstacles & hurdles that must be met before I reach the subject of my desire.
I believe I'm a carer as well for I'd attract to a lone blossom on a sandy tract before I do to a garden of roses.I guess it's because I'd have that challenge of nurturing that lone blossom that everyone else just passes by.
I suppose a lot of what I write to you doesn't make a bit of sense,but I speak(write) when the mood strikes and that slate of thoughts is written.Did I already once tell you that there is nothing greater than a passage of time to one that is serving it?Writing 6,7, or 8 pages to you allows me to slip naway from concentrating on prison and into what I write.When I expressed that lone blossom I saw it there in the sand and almost felt bthe sand between my toes.It is priceless for me to slip away and via writing and sleep I could do this.
You asked in a previous letter if I read?At one time I use to read 4-5 novels a week.One author that really touches the reader emotionally is Danielle Steele!It seems like everyone of her books is a tear jerker,but I've been known to get choked up over the St.Judes Children's Hospital advertisements.It is som sad to see children with cancer not having that fair shake in life.If I did not have a felony as I do,I'd volunteer to visit these kids for smiles go such a long way with them.In any event,I like to read books that could be REAL.I use to write short stories and just send them to people I write.I believe they were good,but I'm not sure I could had been the next bestselling author.
What drew you 7 your family to Rocky Point?For my family,my stepfather moved us out of Central Islip when the first black family moved into the neighborhood.I suppose that makes him racist,but that is why we moved to Rocky Point.I know up until my arrest in 1983,it was still a nice area where ugliness didn't rear it's head.It did not seem like the big time crimes happened there.Parents needn't worry when children went out to play,walking to the bus stop,etc..I know the schools were nice.For some reason,my best subject was math.
I'm not sure if I expressed it enough,but I believe violence in society compared to violence in prison is much different.You're studied in this subculture by so many and you're expected to respond in a violent manner when a confrontation is met.It is the nature of this beast for the weak are subjected to other's abuses.So,is it really the same for I believe violence in here is warranted.Sure,I do go overboard at times when I don't have to and I go to the extreme,but this whole subculture is extreme.No man will ever fuck me in my ass!!
Maybe I'm justifying or attempting to justify,but it never worked with the parole board.I can't explain the inmates who NEVER committed an act of violence in here.It baffles me.
New York State seems to have the motto,"HURRY UP & WAIT" when it comes to requesting documents.I am still waiting for replies from the nurse administrator and the unit chief in mental health.I do feel these records will give you a much better understanding of all that I write to you and it will support all that I say.I think the mental health records will help you even more for you'll probably understand "THEIR" language far better than I.Once they do respond,I'll certainly let you know.
I just NOW received a copy response from medical and here is your answer.If you note,I said it's "for my doctor" because you're a doctor even if-well,I don't know--if you write them with the stationery you've written me on(it says medical department)they may just send you the records.Otherwise,I have to request them within the next 60 days(from 3-13-12).
The price went down to .25 per page(it use to be $0.50).I find it ironic that a doctor doesn't have to pay,but an inmate who makes and gets measly earnings must pay!I'll talk to the others if they are seeking a reason for their next RIOT!I'llm put the smily face so you do know I'm kidding.
I will write mental health again tonight for they haven't responded yet.I think you could get them both at no charge.If not,I know I've been to mental health far more times then medical.You let me know if and how you want to do it.Until next time,take good care.
James
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