Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
I'm not sure I'm saying this right,but I don't want to sound as if it's always,"Woe is me" for I do think I dig my own hole at times.I suppose I'm smart enough not to bury myself completely.
When it comes to relations and I mainly speak in regards to my family,I'm unable to remain idle when something isn't right.I found out long ago that "Blood isn't always thicker than water" and you know the adage,"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to?"Well,I knew a lot of the answers,but I tested it and found that if I didn't write home I wouldn't have heard from my family.It was sad to learn this and it made me feel that much more lonlier.
Now prof.Thieben(who has told me you met with him)wouldn't allow a period of time to elapse before becoming concerned.You'll notice I put the man on a pedestal because he is a genuine person who has been within my life for over 30 years.He has done far more for me than my own family.
I'm afraid he didn't give you the igliness within my life for he would not want you to believe I'm anything but GOOD.I do respect him for this,but I also know you're interested in that ugliness more than the good.
I know my intentions have always been good until I'm rubbed the wrong way.I use to rewind my life and play those memories over and over and I know my life couldn't have turned out as it has for what I didn't do.
You see,alot believe GOD has a plan for all of us and I sometimes wonder why is this subculture my plan?I know why some of it is my plan,but 29 years?Throughout Rocky Point I was the teenage boy pushing around a lawn mower mowing the lawns of the elderly,shovelling their driveways,raking their leaves,etc. so GOD isn't punishing me for not helping those who needed it.
I've experienced far more then the average convict and yes,I do know a lot of it is my own disposition!I'd rather be left alone than to socialize with men who ONLY develop relations to serve a need.When a man approaches me in here,I automatically believe he speaks because he wants/needs something.Some will waste 15 minutes of conversation to get a cigarette and I expect this so my personalilty is arrogance.I use to believe and I tried to be a good teacher for the young white kids just beginning their sentences.
I'd fight their battles so they wouldn't be physically/sexually abused,but I could only fight so much for them before they have to do it for themselves.I just hate all that is around me for everyone salivates over another as if we're all food to satisfy a hunger.
I hope I'm not disturbing you with my letters but,I feel I'm giving parts of my personality that may lead to why things have turned out as they have.
When my stepfather threw me out of the house in August of 1981(I was 16)it was the last time I lived at 12 Violet Rd..It was the only residence I could call home for up until my arrest it was psychiatric hospitals,group homes,in people's basements.in cars,the woods,streets,county jail,etc..
On November 9,1983,whenI was released from Kings park psychiatric center I rented a room in Port Jefferson and got a job as a dishwasher.I worked at this same place in 1982 before I was thrown out of Hope House by Father Frank.I broke windows in the house after swinging a vacuum tube at another resident.Father Frank and I are good friends today.
I believe I had to turn my life around and for an 18 year old who was wayward,a dishwasher job was as if I was now responsible.Though my girlfriend was paying my rent I felt I was on the path to change.
When I came home from work at 4am on the 19th my bedroom door was kicked in.I woke up the other three tenants and Sean admitted to doing it.I met Sean in Hope House when I moved there back in 1982 and he was the one who helped me get this room in 1983.Sean claimed to be drunk and him & a few friends felt alittle rowdy.It was understandable and after a few hours of sleep I went to the hardware store to get materials to fix my door.That day Sean and I played quarters(a drinking game)before I went to work.
Either I liked drinking or I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic.All through work I'd run downstairs and drink a few beers.When I took the garbage to the dumpster I'd always have a 6-pack of beer in the garbage can to drink before I returned to work.
That evening of the 20th(really it was 5:30am on the 20th)I returned home to find my door kicked in again.I knew who did it,but I still woke the other residents besides Sean.They claimed to know nothing and a drunken Sean once again admitted it.
I went into my room,packed all my belongings and because I was just angrily tossing stuff in a suitcase some stuff wouldn't fit.The stuff that wouldn't fit was thrown into the corner.I ran downstairs,opened the fire alarm box and ripped the wires out.When I got back upstairs I threw a match on a set of sheets,turned around and left the house.About 10-12 hours later I found out that Sean died.
That was my crime close to 29 years ago and instead of channeling my anger in another way I lit that fire.I was thrown out of almost evewry place I lived(after I was thrown out of my home)for violence.As a kid in school it was violence,at a summer camp I beat a kid with a hockey stick and I suppose if I tried to,I could remember my first act of violence.
In prison violence is the way to survive,it is how you gain respect and today if violence is put forth,it is more out of hatred I believe.
Let me tell you a story that occurred on February 5,2012.I argued with an inmate and when we went to yard I picked up weights and threw them at him.I missed him(fortunately)and the officer who I use to work for didn't report the incident.I wrote the professor about this,but since then I have locked in my cell which I'm okay with for it wasn't written up and my parole board will never know about it.At that moment I didn't care about consequences,butnow I'm glad no weights hit him.
In 1988,the Inspector General's Office designated me a Central Monitoring case(C.M.C.)for being a "severe management problem and for poor discipline"criteria III-D.It scared me for I've seen officers kill inmates in here and I thought this was certainly a license for them to kill me for it would be so easy to say I wouldn't stop resisting..In 1993,I had to be reviewed by a psychologist to see if I was fit to have the C.M.C. tag lifted.It wasn't on me for being unfit,it was for what I wrote above(go figure).
The woman who worked at the North Shore Youth Bureau(Rocky Point)that I wrote articles for in 1988?I'm still friends with her&her husband.They live in Port Jefferson.I don't know if they could help your research about me,but in the beginning of our correspondence in 1988,they knew about everything I now state.She is a social worker and her husband owns his own computer programming business(two great people).
The people who would really speak ill about me?My family and all of those who are still in Rocky Point that were there in the late 70s-early 80s.I won't disturb you or bore you until I hear from you for I really don't know what information you seek.
I think I will close for now and until the next time take very good care.
sincerely,
James Morgan
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