Dear Dr.Alia-Klein,
Some of these questions had worried me when I answered for so much depends on the situation!If you were to ask someone if they generally trust others it would be a far different answer to me then a person who isn't in this subculture.I also don't want it to be believed that I "fly off the handle"with the slightest irritation for correction officers get me angry a lot,but I sit & accept it because I KNOW those consequences bring horrible results.My anger amongst peers is far more likely then with someone like Mr.Thieben.He's gotten me angry before and I just swallowed that anger for I'm not so out of control that I don't know what I'm doing.I just feel that some of these questions would paint me as some out of control individual who should be "institutionalized" for the duration when my number one priority is my freedom.
You see,your interests in me are in one area ONLY which is the reason we correspond as we do.That is just the way it is,but there is much more to me then being violent when anger arises.Please,do not believe I'm pointing a finger at you for making me feel this or that for you're not making me feel anything.I just do not want to be seen by others(as well as by you) as JUST a violent man.I can and have loved women & children who has never seen my violence.
My stepfather would strike me if I touched the walls with dirty hands,but I do not believe in striking a child.I would never strike a woman either and though I did write you to help you with research,I am human and I hurt like others.It would hurt me to be dehumanized and only seen as a ticking time bomb.Some of those questions just don't seem to have a right answer and they make me feel unsettled.Not for you to worry,I just want you to understand.It isn't you,It's wondering if there just isn't any right answer there at all.Okay let me answer your letter and what you wrote.
My psychiatric hospitalizations and what prompted them?I believe there were a lot of factors that could be blamed for I think at some points I was homeless so I don't know if this triggered some behaviors that wouldn't had been caused otherwise.The one instance I speak about is when I was admitted to Sagamore Children's Center when I was 17.I don't remember it being for a violent episode,I think that was more of a depression due to homelessness,sadness,sorrow,etc. when I was in a bar fight and returned with a pellet gun?
The police officers who responded knew my stepfather and in turn knew me.They knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind waving a gun in a bar and they charged me with Criminal Mischief,but I don't remember EXACTLY what happened as for who took me to the hospital.You see,a week later I got into a fight with my brother in a bar and I left the bar alone.On the way home I sliced my wrist with a beer bottle!I sliced my wrist and was taken to the hospital by ambulance,but for some reason a week later I was still out to do that in the bar with the gun.I don't know why I wasn't admitted to the hospital for slicing my wrist?
I wasn't arrested because of the reasons above.It wasn't just that the cops knew my father.My actions weren't that of a person thinking logically and who knows what I said exactly.I know I threatened to shoot everyone in the bar and I was surrounded by cops with drawn guns.I believe I flipped the pool table over and broke a light as well.I think the officers thought psychiatric care was the best in this situation.
I don't know what diagnosis the hospital(Kings Park)had for me,but while there they prescribed thorazine.Heres what occurred,because I WAS charged with that incident with the gun,my probation officer came to the hospital and had me discharged to him and he violated me because I did not report.I couldn't report because I was in the hospital.I don't know why I was released,I wasn't there longer than 8 or 9 days,my mother wrote that letter I told you about and while in the hospital I locked someone in one of the abandon buildings and only told staff because I had second thoughts about it and I was drunk at the time.I truly believe they released me to wash their hands of me.Is that possible?I'm going to call you Nelly this one time for I want you to really understand me.
Nelly,I do believe I was manipulative at times,but in this instance and leading up to my stay at Kings Park there were many incidents:I required stitches,went into a bar with a gun(all in a few days time)and my mother wrote that letter asking the hospital not to release me.I do think I belonged there that time for I wasn't homeless then.I was out of control with my behavior,I was released for not appearing before my probation officer.I then tried to get readmitted to the hospital,but I wasn't and 11 days later I was arrested for this crime.
They did release me with a prescription for thorazine,but I never went to get it.I took Paxil and other medications I'm not sure of the name.In 2009,when Lise died was when I was diagnosed as Borderline Personality and I was given two different medications.I don't know what they were.
I never felt comfortable with taking meds for(especially in prison)I don't want to be sluggish.Yes,I do agree that some do need these medications for I see it every day with persons who are off the handle if they don't take it,but I don't feel my actions call for it.I also believe people who take medications are penalized by the Parole commissioners.If they feel I need meds to control my behaviors will they feel comfortable in releasing me?I don't know ,but I don't want to experiment on trying it.
What is the right way to address confrontations in prison?I want you to imagine this--What if you knew you were going to get into a fight,but you didn't know what your opponent was bringing to defend himself?You best bring something to defend yourself for prison is known for violence,people gain respect via violence.It is a violent world and strength?respect is given by being strong.A lot of times,I react to confrontations in the most violent way because I don't want to be caught with my hands holding nothing,but air.
Once you get the copies of my mental health records(I'm still waiting for an answer)you'll know my diagnosis and what medications I was prescribed.I do not know(off hand)exactly what they were.
Mr.Thieben should had given you all the stuff I wrote him.A lot of times he'll hold back if he thinks something something will incrimidate me.He won't say this,but I believe it to be.He is a great man who said you are a BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN,but everyone is young to him just as everyone is short to me.Don't take that in a disrespectful way,but at 47,young to me is someone in their 20s and unless you're like Condoleeza Rice(she had 2-3 PHDs by the age of 20 something)?I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth,but it's just that each time I asked what you asked him?He wasn't forthcoming and would only say,"Jim,she is a very bright young lady.I was impressed."
Do I get overwhelmed by my own anger?What can twist my own reality?I'm not sure,but I do believe I learned how to deal with certain dilemmas via how my stepfather treated me.I hate to say this because I don't want to be associated with him in anyway.
If I don't answer your questions in depth as you seek,please let me know and I will do so.On some of the Questionnaires there were sections crossed out which I assume by you?
I'll get this in the mail to you and I hope all is well with you.
Sincerely,
James
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